What do l do about my birth mother? ( I’m adopted)

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I was adopted in 1964. I’m 57.

I met my birth mother when l was 31. I wasn’t particularly impressed, especially when she referred to my ds as ‘technically’ her grandchild. He was my adoptive mums grandchild . Not hers.

She lives in another country. We are politically opposed. She likes Trump🤮. I liked Corbyn. I find this quite difficult.

I had her on my fb, but she would post inflammatory comments which made my real friends question who she was.

She’s now contacted me asking if we can be in contact again. She’s 79 and nearly died in ICU with Covid. Her husband has died and she has no children.

I have 2 lovely lovely children.

I don’t know what to do😢 I don’t particularly like her or want to see her. I don’t have any real feelings for her. My birth family is my family.

I feel vaguely sorry for her but no real connection, and quite a lot of dislike.

What do l do?

Honestly do whatever is best for you and you only

Just don’t respond to her, block her. You don’t owe her anything

I had blocked her on fb. The message came via Messenger.

What contact does she want?

I'm in a similar situation but my BM doesn't make comments on my fb so she can just stay there quietly.

If she wants to be added back to fb I'd say no but could stay in touch through messages. It's hard, but you have no obligations to her so do what makes you happy

I’m not sure. She wants to be more in my life😬

If she was like me in outlook and beliefs I think I’d feel different. By adoptive family were socialists and feminists. I’m the same. I don’t really want to talk to aTrump supporter.

If she was just on fb, and kept her trap shut l could cope. But she doesn’t. And l think she wants more than fb.

Do what you want to do and don’t worry about her wants.

What are the advantages for you of being more in touch?

There are no advantages apart from maybe financial. But I’m not really interested in that.

I love my kids and dh. I’m happy. I kind of don’t want her invading me.

Do what works for you. You are under no obligation to her, and it sounds like you have a lovely family.

Of course you do what is best for you, but knowing what that might be is not be as simple as block and ignore.
In reality, there's little chance of much more than the odd SM exchange or photos of your children for the foreseeable anyway. I think the issue is you feeling sorry for her and you can't quite cut her off and feel good about that.
To put it bluntly, can you try and bottom out those feelings and other relevant emotions to come to some kind of peace with yourself - and before she dies?
I know it's often derided, but a good counsellor experienced in adoption work can really help you come to acceptance here.
Good luck

Then don't. I realise there are lots of good reasons people have kids adopted but one of the things you have to accept if you do it is that future contact is on their terms.

Ds 27 keeps in touch with her ocadsionally. But he is kinder than me…. He doesn’t particularly like her though.

Well since she lives in a different country that does make it a bit easier to agree to some limited arms length contact if you want to. But you are under no obligation to do so and don't feel bad if you choose not to.
So
a) let her down gently but firmly with a no. e.g.
"I'm sorry to hear things have been difficult for you and I am glad we met but I don't feel the need to maintain a relationship going forward"

b) agree to something on your terms and clear boundaries e.g.
"I'm happy for us to email a few times a year (for example Christmas and summer) and update you on the children etc, but I am not comfortable with being Facebook friends and it's important in emails that we keep off topics where we clearly disagree".

If she lives abroad, presumably she doesn't want a close relationship anyway. Has she said what she wants? Why did you bloack her?

OP, well done for building a good and happy life for yourself from what may have been a difficult starting point.

You don't need to have a relationship with your birth mother if for any reason you choose not to.

I did have counselling before l met her.

I think the issue is, I don’t really feel anything. There was no epiphany or missing piece of the jigsaw. It was just a women who was nothing like me in anyway.

Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean to have to have anything to do with her. If this was any other person, what would you do?
It sounds like you are very different in most aspects of your lives, and would not normally have a relationship, if you don't want to, don't.

Actually, I wonder why you're posting though. It might be worth asking yourself what feeling provokes you to need the opinion of others on this because that might be the emotion that bites you on the arse when she dies (and this is what we e taking about, after all, I think).

I blocked her because l was sick of her making Trump supporting inflammatory comments.

I think she’d be on a plane like a shot if she could. She has no children. She overwhelmed me when l met her. Lists and lists of different relatives. It was too much, so l didn’t keep in touch. It was before social media.

Then she found me on fb. I friended her, but she isn’t who l would choose as a friend.

No, you met her, you don’t like her, you owe her absolutely nothing, ignore.

I mainly feel nothing. And a bit of anger that she’s a twat. I’m not sure her dying would have any real impact. She’s not really anything at all to me.

I found meeting her was totally underwhelming.

If you feel nothing, why are you undecided about what to do? (I'm y trying to be horrible, tell me to fuck off if you want)

Er, NOT trying to be horrible