What do l do about my birth mother? ( I’m adopted)

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I was adopted in 1964. I’m 57.

I met my birth mother when l was 31. I wasn’t particularly impressed, especially when she referred to my ds as ‘technically’ her grandchild. He was my adoptive mums grandchild . Not hers.

She lives in another country. We are politically opposed. She likes Trump🤮. I liked Corbyn. I find this quite difficult.

I had her on my fb, but she would post inflammatory comments which made my real friends question who she was.

She’s now contacted me asking if we can be in contact again. She’s 79 and nearly died in ICU with Covid. Her husband has died and she has no children.

I have 2 lovely lovely children.

I don’t know what to do😢 I don’t particularly like her or want to see her. I don’t have any real feelings for her. My birth family is my family.

I feel vaguely sorry for her but no real connection, and quite a lot of dislike.

What do l do?

Blue jag, I’ve reported that post.

You know nothing about me.

The two good things here are that she lives thousands of mules away and isn't in the best of health! Oh and Covid, which makes transatlantic travel pretty unlikely for the rest of this year at least.
Keep her away from your Facebook (if she's blocked, she can't even see you're still on it) and then it's in your hands to limit how much of your life she has access to.
PS You don't have to answer her calls.

Look at your posts again, ArseInTheCoOpWindow, there's not one reason in there why you would stay in contact with her. Be true to yourself, you're under no obligation to do something you don't want to do, you don't owe her anything

I think this v common. My cousin met her birth mother and felt nothing. She doesnt try to force it though. She satisfied her curiosity as was her right. Her mum and her sister are her adopted mum and sister, not the randomers who chain smoked their way through the first meeting. Sorry if that sounds snobby but my cousin found it awful.

I hope you tune in to what you want and feel entitled to do / not do just that.

💐💐🍷

I think you are perfectly entitled to write her a polite message saying thank you for your interest, but you feel happy with the life you have, and don’t want further contact. Wish her well. Then ignore further contact. You don’t owe her anything.

Because basically l think l would feel sorry for anyone in her situation. That’s where the feeling sorry comes from. It’s more of a general thing.

It's complicated isn't it but you need to look after yourself.I applaud you for having counselling l did something similar when dealing with a parent who was trying to force their way back in.

Birds and Bees.

Thank you, l think that is what l will say.

I agree with BirdsandBees comments .FB "findings" are becoming more common now .There is an interesting article in the Telegraph life section about this . Just say you are happy ATM and dont want any more interaction .Do not feel guilty in any way .Years ago Adoptions were "closed" and any further contact would be frowned upon!

She’s well educated and worked in a professional job. I just don’t like her.

Trust that 🧘‍♀️

You have no obligation to her so if you don’t want to be in contact with then don’t

You have no obligations to her. If you find her neediness difficult to deal with (not surprising) then block her without guilt. She does sound pretty awful and also pretty self-serving to come knocking at your door now she is old, her husband has died and she has no children to tend to her needs. She left it a bit late and it sounds one-sided.

@BlueJag

I couldn't cope with a Corbyn supporter either. Let her know you are no longer interested in a relationship and move on. Looks like you far away. If you are as shallow as to think that all that is important about this woman are her political views she'll be better off without you.

You do realise that this is about more than political views, right?

Someone who supports Trump has vastly different values in life about every conceivable thing than someone who supports Corbyn. Everything is political.

OP, it’s a different situation but I have no contact with my father who was abusive. What I think about is how I would feel if I got a call to say he had died. Would I feel like I should have seen him or spoken to him, or would I not care? Personally I would feel relieved if he died, and regret nothing at all. Do you feel you have any need to built a relationship or tell her how you feel or say things that are unsaid? Put yourself first and do what’s right for you.

I wonder why you're asking? It makes me wonder if theres a tiny part of you that does what to stay in touch? Or something?

Maybe, if you're worried about completely closing the door, you don't have to make an absolute decision today.

You could reply to her messages, keeping it very low key, and just don't rush to engage. You may find out a little more about the woman behind the bigotry, and you can always shut it down at any point.

If you feel you want to burn all bridges, then stick to no contact, but there's nothing wrong with keeping her at arms length, with you managing the contact, if you're not sure you're quite done.

Def consider talking it through with a therapist - they can help you with the idea of keeping low contact on your own terms.

No, l don’t feel anything. Nothing at all except a vague sense of dislike.

I can’t even be her friend, I choose friends based on shared values/ humours. Friends validate your beliefs.

She validates nothing.

I suppose try to see it from her perspective. She is probably hurt from giving up a child and feeling later life regret but doesn't really no how to express herself so is coming across badly. I would keep your distance but occasionally phone her for a catch up etc

To be harsh it sound as though she is old and alone and wants someone around.

That person 100000% does NOT have to be you.

I’ve tried to see it from her perspective. That’s why l feel bad.

But you mention a phone call, and there’s just no way l could do that. So you have ( unintentionally!) helped me very much.

Can you say yes but keep her at arms length?

If you're really certain that you have absolutely nothing left to say, then go no contact.

Although I'm not sure why you need to be actual friends. Not everyone I know is a friend, and not everyone provides validation of my life choices. There are people I'm in touch with because, for example, they knew my parents when no one else does. Or, I talk to people because we are in the same industry. Not everyone serves the same purpose.

If seeing her name just fills you with a feeling of tedious dread, then block her.

I’ve kept her at arms length. But she wants more. Much more l suspect.

Yes, she is someone to be pitied. But she's absolutely not your responsibility and if your life is 100% easier without her in it (and will remain so) then don't have her in it.

I don’t particularly like her or want to see her.

This is your answer. Don't do it. She is asking for her benefit, not yours. You don't owe her a thing.

You have too much antipathy. An ongoing relationship won't work.