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Original poster

What do l do about my birth mother? ( I’m adopted)

112 replies

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/07/2021 10:09

I was adopted in 1964. I’m 57.

I met my birth mother when l was 31. I wasn’t particularly impressed, especially when she referred to my ds as ‘technically’ her grandchild. He was my adoptive mums grandchild . Not hers.

She lives in another country. We are politically opposed. She likes Trump🤮. I liked Corbyn. I find this quite difficult.

I had her on my fb, but she would post inflammatory comments which made my real friends question who she was.

She’s now contacted me asking if we can be in contact again. She’s 79 and nearly died in ICU with Covid. Her husband has died and she has no children.

I have 2 lovely lovely children.

I don’t know what to do😢 I don’t particularly like her or want to see her. I don’t have any real feelings for her. My birth family is my family.

I feel vaguely sorry for her but no real connection, and quite a lot of dislike.

What do l do?

OP posts:

CaraherEIL · 03/07/2021 11:21

Regardless of the politics are there personal questions that you would like answers to, are there any pieces of family history that you would like to know for your children? Quantify honestly what the purpose of becoming more involved with her at this stage of her life would look like?
You are likely to then see her becoming more and more frail and possibly become involved in her care decisions, funeral etc.
Do you think her reaching out to you might be her way of trying to make peace in the later stages of her life, or just an act of selfishness?
The main thing you must focus on is your own emotional well-being because even if you feel as if you are very sorted about it all, seeing your biological mother through the later stages of her life will affect you and the more you see her the more it will affect you. You have to decide if knowing her more will enhance your life/ sense of self for the future or if you will be opening an unnecessary can of worms for someone who has not spent any of her life focused on you.

Benediction · 03/07/2021 11:22

Could you be more similar than you think? Both politically involved, both with marmite politicians, both passionate about improving things? Both rather convinced that your stance is correct?

If it were me I would probably stay in touch a little, just because she is lonely and I would feel sorry for her. But it's up to you.

rookiemere · 03/07/2021 11:22

Why did she put you up for adoption? Is it a decision she desperately regrets?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

gillysSong · 03/07/2021 11:23

You don't have the connection, that's fine, I didn't either.
My birth family aren't nice, they have some terrible opinions. They aren't on my fb, and after I met them I kept them at arms length.
Now it's the odd celebration card, even these have slowed down, and a call if one of them dies.
It may seem mean but blood isn't always thicker than water, and you are mostly the product of your adopted parents, down to sharing views, which are important to you.
My advice would be arms length, just be very busy with a busy life.

MareMare · 03/07/2021 11:23

@lborgia

If you're really certain that you have absolutely nothing left to say, then go no contact.

Although I'm not sure why you need to be actual friends. Not everyone I know is a friend, and not everyone provides validation of my life choices. There are people I'm in touch with because, for example, they knew my parents when no one else does. Or, I talk to people because we are in the same industry. Not everyone serves the same purpose.

If seeing her name just fills you with a feeling of tedious dread, then block her.

I think those instances are substantially different to the OP’s situation, though, when having her birth mother in her life continually confronts her with the dispiriting/disturbing realisation that someone she finds deeply awful, with reactionary politics, gave birth to her.

You must and should do what’s best for your own mental well-being, OP.

A friend of mine who traced her birth family in her 30s was sickened by their politics and appalled by the extent to which petty criminality and antisocial behaviour was considered normal by them. I know that although she didn’t stay in contact she struggled hugely for years with her strong physical resemblance to her biological mother and half-siblings, and had a lot of therapy for something that amounted almost to a kind of body dysmorphia.

Original poster

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/07/2021 11:23

I’ve met her before and filled in a lot of the genetic history. And Ds is in touch with her.

She lives far away in another country. I wouldn’t be seeing her or involved in anything l don’t think. I think she is an old lady who wants to lay some demons to rest. And that’s why l feel crap.

OP posts:

Original poster

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/07/2021 11:27

I was put up for adoption as that is what happened in the 60’s. It’s in the press at the moment about how some mothers were forced into it and had their children taken at birth.

She had 6 weeks with me before l was adopted. She told me it was what was expected at the time. And in the early 60’s, it probably was. Unmarried mothers and all that.

However l remember when l had my first child and he was 6 weeks old, thinking no one would ever take him, l would never give him up.

OP posts:

CaraherEIL · 03/07/2021 11:28

OP,
I am not being difficult but with her husband dead and no children, who has she named as next of kin? I appreciate you might not visit but who would handle things if she died.You mentioned that there might be financial gain, which you didn’t want if she died. I would clarify that she is not reaching out because she wants to put your name on forms and then you will end up involved.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 03/07/2021 11:30

@CaraherEIL

OP, I am not being difficult but with her husband dead and no children, who has she named as next of kin? I appreciate you might not visit but who would handle things if she died.You mentioned that there might be financial gain, which you didn’t want if she died. I would clarify that she is not reaching out because she wants to put your name on forms and then you will end up involved.

She can write whatever name she likes. OP is not obliged to have anything to do with it.

CaraherEIL · 03/07/2021 11:31

If you really think that it is simply trying to make peace then maybe just respond by card saying you wish her well, and there is no ill will etc then draw a line under it.

Original poster

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/07/2021 11:31

I think she has a cousin she is very close to who will be in that role. And I’m not her next of kin. I know nothing about her. She lives 10,000 miles away.

OP posts:

CrotchetyQuaver · 03/07/2021 11:36

You do what's right for you.
But
Please remember you were born at a time when it was the norm to steal babies away from their birth mothers so they could go for adoption. She almost certainly wouldn't have had any choice about where you went. Interesting that she's had no more children after you, was that choice or could she not have any more? How well did they look after unmarried pregnant women back in the 60s?

I think you need to be kind to her, tell her you both need to agree to disagree about politics. A lot of the rest of it, I would put down to Americans being very very different to the British, nothing that can't be overcome I'm sure. But I think it would be harsh to completely turn your back on her, the lines of communication ought to remain open.

I'm the same age as you, I remember many many school friends who were adopted, it was very common as you know back then. I'm glad you have had a successful adoption, it didn't work out so well for a few I knew...

CaraherEIL · 03/07/2021 11:36

I agree TheSunshine but if there is a named person ie the OP to inherit then she would be contacted and is likely to be asked what she would like to happen. She could then say she wants nothing to do with arrangements/ house sale/ funeral etc but it would still be upsettling.
I had the same thing happen to me and it upset me much more than I thought it would and I had never imagined I would be named or asked to be involved.

CaraherEIL · 03/07/2021 11:38

Oh just read your update, if she has a cousin to sort all that, then just decide what you think about a much more low level card exchanging if that makes you feel better or not.

MareMare · 03/07/2021 11:42

@CrotchetyQuaver

You do what's right for you. But Please remember you were born at a time when it was the norm to steal babies away from their birth mothers so they could go for adoption. She almost certainly wouldn't have had any choice about where you went. Interesting that she's had no more children after you, was that choice or could she not have any more? How well did they look after unmarried pregnant women back in the 60s? I think you need to be kind to her, tell her you both need to agree to disagree about politics. A lot of the rest of it, I would put down to Americans being very very different to the British, nothing that can't be overcome I'm sure. But I think it would be harsh to completely turn your back on her, the lines of communication ought to remain open. I'm the same age as you, I remember many many school friends who were adopted, it was very common as you know back then. I'm glad you have had a successful adoption, it didn't work out so well for a few I knew...

But it isn’t the OP’s job to assuage her birth mother’s regrets or to make up for the way in which unplanned pregnancies were dealt with in the past, or for the circumstances in which she was adopted. That’s not on her. Similarly, she’s not obliged to maintain any form of relationship with someone whose beliefs are abhorrent, purely because of shared blood.

CaraherEIL · 03/07/2021 11:42

Op You state you know nothing about her maybe decide if you want to change that. I also noted what you said about her not having any other children, maybe there was a lot more distress about giving you up than she has shown to you.
I know you are not her next of kin but you are her closest living blood relative.

MargaretThatcherMilkSnatcher · 03/07/2021 11:45

Hi OP

I am in a very similar situation - adopted at birth, met my birth mother when I was an adult, chose to go NC with her about a decade ago. She recently contacted me to let me know that a relative had passed away. I agonised over whether to respond but I haven't. I will gain absolutely nothing from having contact with her, and I don't owe her anything.

To non-adoptees that will probably sound monstrous, and it has taken me DECADES of self-reflection and counselling to get where I am now, but there is no point in forcing a relationship with someone who only has a negative impact on your life.

That guilt/gratitude spiral is really strong sometimes!

ineedanewnameplease · 03/07/2021 11:47

I think I would respond along the lines of although we may share the same dna we don't share anything else. I have nothing to offer you as my life is full and therefore I don't feel I can be of any support to you.

MareMare · 03/07/2021 11:51

@MargaretThatcherMilkSnatcher

Hi OP

That guilt/gratitude spiral is really strong sometimes!

I’m a non-adoptee, and I think this sounds healthy rather than monstrous.

MargaretThatcherMilkSnatcher · 03/07/2021 11:52

@CaraherEIL

Op You state you know nothing about her maybe decide if you want to change that. I also noted what you said about her not having any other children, maybe there was a lot more distress about giving you up than she has shown to you. I know you are not her next of kin but you are her closest living blood relative.

And here's a lovely example of the guilt trips that adopted children are subjected to. Removing a child from its birth mother goes against all the laws of Nature; the child didn't ask for it and they CERTAINLY should not have to compromise themselves in later life for something that they had no say in. OP bonded with her adoptive family; she doesn't owe her birth mother anything.

Having contact with my birth mother makes me very mentally unwell. Should I just suck it up? If so, why? MN is full of biological children being advised to go NC with their horrible biological parents. Why is this situation any different?

MySocalledLoaf · 03/07/2021 11:52

Deciding whether to be in touch or not is the only agency you have had in this whole situation so use it to make the decision that makes you feel better and don’t let her feelings be a factor.

RaindropsOnRosie · 03/07/2021 11:55

Consider doing a pro con list and be really honest. Would you ever consider speaking to her about what lead up to your adoption, or what she's done with her life since you've been adopted? If you have no interest in her life, and gain nothing by her being in yours I don't see why you would see her.

You absolutely do not have to 'agree to disagree' on her shitty beliefs, or put your valid feelings towards her aside.

ThePlantsitter · 03/07/2021 11:58

I'm a non-adoptee too and I don't think it sounds monstrous to go NC either. It's entirely the adopted child's call in my view. I do think it's important to be certain that's what you want though (and I'm not suggesting anyone on this thread isn't/wasn't).

CaraherEIL · 03/07/2021 11:58

Margaret
It definitely is not meant as a guilt trip I was in the same situation and felt it would be better to go no contact which I did for 15 years, it took me another 10 and the death of that person to realise there were things I wish I had asked/ known. My comments were meant to make sure that the OP had done everything to ensure her future well being, not at all the guilt her into fostering an relationship she doesn’t want to have.

BraveBraveMouse · 03/07/2021 11:58

'To non-adoptees that will probably sound monstrous, and it has taken me DECADES of self-reflection and counselling to get where I am now, but there is no point in forcing a relationship with someone who only has a negative impact on your life.'

As a non adoptee that does not sound the least bit monstrous to me. I have dysfunctional family members myself I am NC with but often feel the societal pressure of 'but they are your faaamily'. I think people who have great birth parents who gave them a warm loving childhood over attribute that to the genetic element.

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