What do l do about my birth mother? ( I’m adopted)

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I was adopted in 1964. I’m 57.

I met my birth mother when l was 31. I wasn’t particularly impressed, especially when she referred to my ds as ‘technically’ her grandchild. He was my adoptive mums grandchild . Not hers.

She lives in another country. We are politically opposed. She likes Trump🤮. I liked Corbyn. I find this quite difficult.

I had her on my fb, but she would post inflammatory comments which made my real friends question who she was.

She’s now contacted me asking if we can be in contact again. She’s 79 and nearly died in ICU with Covid. Her husband has died and she has no children.

I have 2 lovely lovely children.

I don’t know what to do😢 I don’t particularly like her or want to see her. I don’t have any real feelings for her. My birth family is my family.

I feel vaguely sorry for her but no real connection, and quite a lot of dislike.

What do l do?

Could you remove her from facebook and send her a postcard every 2 or 3 weeks from places you have visited with just general chat?
I suggest this because you don't want to engage too much with her but if you had wanted to go no contact you would have done with asking here.

I have similar with my biological dad. I thought about it and I respectfully declined. He does not serve my life or the lives of my children. It was the right decision for me, I have put his wants and needs first twice before against my better judgement and had gone NC again. I KNEW I’d go NC again so it seemed silly to restart contact.

I think she did the best thing for her particular circumstances when she gave you up for adoption. You now need to do the best thing for you and your circumstances.

I wonder whether she thinks that now she’s on her own, she can just insert herself into the role of grandmother in a ready made family and it just hasn’t occurred to her that that might not be what you want.

I think that you can either cut contact with her completely or write her a letter, explaining that you are very different people with very different beliefs and ideals and that her trying to become grandmother is making you want to run in the opposite direction, but if she can rein in the political statements, grandmother etc, there might be a possibility of some kind of relationship in the future. Whatever option you decide should be the right one for you.

The fact you were adopted and then didn't have anymore children is questionable;if it was by choice then she's definitely not very maternal is she?

I think not having more children was very common among women who had their babies taken from them for adoption in the 50s, 60s and 70s. “Traumatised” is a word much over used today. But can you imagine what it was like to be a young, single woman hiding a pregnancy for months because of the stigma and shame. When it began to show you had to go away somewhere to give birth, often under the “care” of callous and judgemental staff who denied pain relief to help you atone for the sin of having conceived outside wedlock. You breast fed your baby for six weeks until it was abruptly removed and you were told to go on your way and forget the whole thing. And that was in England. It was much worse in Ireland where you might then be locked up in a Magdalen laundry for years on end.

Hardly surprising that many of those women subsequently turned out not to be “very maternal”

I was in a similar situation - she found me. She took it very easily, didn't rush in, we have a lot in common and became good friends - we have similar but not identical values and she understood completely that my parents and family and extended family are not her/her family. It has been a very valuable friendship for both of us. we were lucky.

Even so, it was a tricky enough relationship to navigate at times and I was quite clear to myself that the only person I would prioritise as we started out was me - if there was any point where the relationship was going to bother me, I was out. I had no choice as a baby but I did have a choice now.

In your circumstances I would write her a polite note saying I am not interested in continuing any relationship and simply block/not respond.

The comment about not very maternal is not right though. my birth mother was so traumatised by the shame attached to her pregnancy and giving birth in a mother and baby home and then giving up her child that she simply could not face pregnancy again. what happened to her was horrific and not of her choosing - still wouldnt make it my problem.

I'd block and ignore

This is a tricky situation. My step father adopted me as my biological father was/is a waste of space. He is back in touch mainly, I suspect, for someone to look after him in his old age. My view is that I am not legally his daughter and therefore I am not obliged to do anything I don’t want to. This sounds callous and selfish but the baggage of history is too much to cope with if he is in my life any more than the perfunctory greetings cards.

@unlikelytobe

This is what gets me about the TV show 'Long Lost Family'! The narrative always seems to be that once the birth mother and adopted child have been reunited it's all sunshine and roses. Relationships are more complicated and I suspect some of the joy for the TV cameras doesn't last.

You've met her, feel nothing much and actively dislike key things about her so I can't see this working well for you. She may want to be involved in your life especially now she's widowed but you don't have to oblige.

Are your adoptive/real parents still alive? What do they think?

Yes. I enjoy the programme but I think the emphasis is always on happy endings. It would be interesting to know how many reunions go badly.

I come at this from the opposite angle. My older sister was adopted. My mum had her when she was 19 in 1970. She came and found us; she was in our lives… properly in our lives, like she did a reading at my wedding, her husband was an usher and her kids were bridesmaid and pageboy… and then one day she decided that feeling torn between her biological family and our family was too hard. And that was it. I haven’t seen her in, I guess, 4 years now. Her kids follow me on Instagram and I follow them back but that’s it. It has been the most tremendous grief to us all. I have cried and raged about it.

A completely different set of circumstances but I guess it makes me think - if you can, let her down gently? It won’t cost you anything to just send a polite message back explaining that you don’t feel able to have contact but wish her well etc. rather than just blocking her. My sister explained to my mum that she wouldn’t be in contact anymore… I wish she’d told me too rather than just leaving mum to pass on the message.

I will tell her. I’m just building up to it.

I dont think you need to commit to any big manifesto about giving up. Just send a birthday card and a christmas card.

You don't have to see her and it would be difficult anyway as she lives in another country. However keeping in touch with her would be a kindness, especially at this time in her life.

Sometimes I think FB is a curse, far better were the days when people wrote occasional letters.