What do l do about my birth mother? ( I’m adopted)

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I was adopted in 1964. I’m 57.

I met my birth mother when l was 31. I wasn’t particularly impressed, especially when she referred to my ds as ‘technically’ her grandchild. He was my adoptive mums grandchild . Not hers.

She lives in another country. We are politically opposed. She likes Trump🤮. I liked Corbyn. I find this quite difficult.

I had her on my fb, but she would post inflammatory comments which made my real friends question who she was.

She’s now contacted me asking if we can be in contact again. She’s 79 and nearly died in ICU with Covid. Her husband has died and she has no children.

I have 2 lovely lovely children.

I don’t know what to do😢 I don’t particularly like her or want to see her. I don’t have any real feelings for her. My birth family is my family.

I feel vaguely sorry for her but no real connection, and quite a lot of dislike.

What do l do?

Do you think that now she's alone she's seeking out someone to care for her in her old age?

The fact you were adopted and then didn't have anymore children is questionable;if it was by choice then she's definitely not very maternal is she?

Sorry should read not at all to guilt her.

I’ve spoken to her. I know all the destals and got all the answers years ago. 25 years ago.

I didn’t want much more than that. But she has persistently chased me and tried to maintain contact. I feel smothered. And that she wants to pinch my children. I know this is pathetic, but their grandma was my proper mum. I don’t want her slithering into their lives.

Having contact with my birth mother makes me very mentally unwell. Should I just suck it up? If so, why? MN is full of biological children being advised to go NC with their horrible biological parents. Why is this situation any different?

👏🏼👏🏼Sums it up perfectly.

I think her husband had some genetic disease and they decided not to have any.

She always wanted more than me.

OP,
I think from your last post it’s clear, you have all the answers you want and have no desire for this woman to be ‘slithering’ into your life. Just don’t be drawn in and focus on your own life and your lovely sounding family.

I'm adopted, similar age. I found my mother when I was early 20s, I think she formed the same opinion about me that you have formed about your mother OP! Anyway, we wrote letters for a couple of years and that was that, she's never been in touch again. I was in her country about 5 years ago I let her know that it was a rare chance to meet, again no response. So I have left it. We're just not compatible, but I was glad to have chance to have photographs and letters. I'd just let it lie, as you say your DS is in contact as long as she doesn't start harassing him.

Interesting thread. I was adopted 1 year before you and found my birth mother 21 years ago - we are spookily alike and have a good relationship so it's sad to read about the other side of the coin.

Would it do any harm to find out why she wants to resume contact?

I cross posted with OPs update earlier. You must do what's right for you at the end of the day

No, you met her, you don’t like her, you owe her absolutely nothing, ignore.

This ⬆️

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

She always wanted more than me.

Same here. And she was voraciously interested in my children, who already have (well, had, as sadly both my parents have died) loving grandparents. I felt that she was trying to steal my kids too. And when my mum died she wrote me an email in which she said that she wanted to be my mother now. I have never felt rage like it.

MargaretThatcherMilkSnatcher.

That is exactly it! God that’s so right! Anger anger and more anger. It was the voracious interest that made me feel smothered. She said she wanted to come and stay with me!! I hated it!

Anger anger and more anger. I’ve never felt rage like it. ‘Technically’ my grandchild was said 25 years ago. I still rage when l think about it now. I’ve never ever carried a grudge that long.

It’s so helpful to speak to you!

Limit what she sees on FB?

OP - block her on messenger - she clearly upsets you and you would not accept it from a friend - and she's not really family - she's a stranger. You had a mum - your adopted mum.
Anything that could put the relationship with my children at risk is something I am not prepared to do.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow any time, seriously

You could ask her what she wants/expects to get out of continued contact. If she's blunt and says "I want to come live with/near you" then you can make it clear that you aren't that interested. If she says she is dying and wants to make amends then you might want to do something.

Don't have any more contact with her. You don't owe her anything.

I would send a last message saying that whilst you acknowledge she is your biological mother, that for reasons irrelavent to you, you were adopted and now have firm attachment to your mum (and dad) and full adoptive family.
Wish her well.
Block her

my dd is not mine biologically and she is similiarly dosintersted in her birth mum who is coming to visit next week, dd doesnt intend on popping home to see her cos they are just ... technically related but not really

Saying that, you dont owe her the explanation BUT you may feel better for saying it/

My dd has massive loyalty to me and my side of the family, she's closer to her grandparents than the bio ones, so i do get it - if her bio grandmother appeared, she would be utterly horrified and probably not polite

you owe her nothing. Just block her.

You had no choice as a tiny baby, but you do now. Choose what's best for you.

This is what gets me about the TV show 'Long Lost Family'! The narrative always seems to be that once the birth mother and adopted child have been reunited it's all sunshine and roses. Relationships are more complicated and I suspect some of the joy for the TV cameras doesn't last.

You've met her, feel nothing much and actively dislike key things about her so I can't see this working well for you. She may want to be involved in your life especially now she's widowed but you don't have to oblige.

Are your adoptive/real parents still alive? What do they think?

I can see you want nc which is fine. However your children are independent and can do as they wish

Yeah absolutely they can. Ds is in touch. Dd still a bit young,

As an adopted person, I can understand what you're going through.

Without wanting to sound heartless, I would block her and back away.

She might be your birth mother/blood family, as it were, but she has done nothing to deserve having you and your wonderful family and children in her twilight years. You absolutely don't owe her anything. Your children don't owe her anything. Your adopted family are your real family.

If you don't want to spend time with her - if it's not something you'd be doing because you want to, but something you'd be doing out of guilt - I would say 100% back away now. Enjoy the lovely life that you have created. The upheaval, drama and upset that this could bring into your life will be intense.

Wishing you luck

@MargaretThatcherMilkSnatcher

Same here. And she was voraciously interested in my children, who already have (well, had, as sadly both my parents have died) loving grandparents. I felt that she was trying to steal my kids too. And when my mum died she wrote me an email in which she said that she wanted to be my mother now. I have never felt rage like it.

reading this gave me serious anxiety. This is why when people ask if I have contact/interest in contact with my birth family 'no way' comes out of my mouth before they've finished the question.

Well done on being so strong. I'm sure it's been very tough.