Does anyone else have really old fashioned parents?

[Spoldge45]

My mum & dad are both 71, so not that old, but honestly, I feel as tho they are in their mid-eighties. They dont seem to have embraced anything post 1995.

They still take their camera film to the shop to be developed
They don't use the internet/have never brought anything online.
They don't have mobile phones (even tho not using one has caused issues in the past like last year when my mum fell over whilst out walking, & she was badly injured but had no way of contacting anyone. so had to wait to be found by a passer-by)

I'm just curious to see if this is so rare or if others have parents in a similar situation, who just refuse to embrace any form of technology.

My uncle gave my mum a mobile, but she wont use it. We brought them a tablet a few Christmases ago & spent ages showing them how to use it, but it just gathers dust.

As they are getting older I feel technology could be really useful to them. I worry about my mum going out alone without a phone as she has some health problems & is very unsteady on her feet, but despite my best efforts she wont use a mobile.

Is anyone else in a similar situation & do you have any tips? Thanks x

Generally, all the people I know aged around 70 are quite good with tech. I think that a lot of people over 80, or nearly 80, haven't got into mobile phones or much other technology.

DM (early 80s) is frozen in 1996 when she bought a brick mobile phone for emergencies. I believe that her last mobile phone, a clamshell with polyphonic ring tone has died and gone unreplaced.

She hasn't seen what DS1 (10) looks like in 18m because there isn't a straightforward, practical way to share photos.

It's annoying because she is a proud luddite who actively chose to resist technology and the past 10 years have changed and left her isolated. But that's the world's fault not hers.
(She could also invite me and the DCs over... she can't drive as far as mine anymore but that part is fair play)

@Bathshebahardy

Generally, all the people I know aged around 70 are quite good with tech. I think that a lot of people over 80, or nearly 80, haven't got into mobile phones or much other technology.

Many over 70s will have worked with computers in their later working years.

DM tends to get her friends to deal with her social life admin such as booking tickets. DB for things like healthcare.

So she gets out of it by passing the buck to others rather than genuinely living tech free.

@MargaretFraggle

As time goes on it will leave you increasingly cut off from many basic services.

That's different from your adult children eye-rolling because you won't FaceTime, though. Some people like a phone call, and find a basic mobile OK for this. There is nothing wrong with that.

I agree that cash is dying and that online banking may be the only option in future. This is unfortunate for the older people who live with the very real fear of having their retirement savings taken from them by a slip of technology. It's not as though online security is perfect, or that the systems of major companies and governments are not (often) hacked. Many older people, even technologically capable ones, don't want to risk that and currently don't have to.

Technologically capable people who don't want to use digital banking services can of course do what they like. If losing all their money in a digital slip is a viable fear, no doubt a market will spring up to offer products to those with these concerns.

My parents are a bit like this. They have brick style phones without internet etc. They do have a pc in the house, but mostly use it for iPlayer etc, nothing useful. Digital banking - no chance!

I think they're missing out on some things which make life easier, but they are happy. They don't ask others to do stuff for them, they just genuinely are happy with low-tech life.

It WOULD annoy me if I was always being asked to sort stuff for them, just because they couldn't be bothered to learn though.

My mother is 81 and owns every Apple product on the market. She zooms regularly with fam/friends. Orders everything online including plane tickets.

I do think it can be a struggle for older people to become familiar with newer technology though.

My DGP would have been 101 this year. He had email in the late 1990s and a digital watch with all kinds of fancy features in his mid 80s. He also ran his retirement fund active investment portfolio using a funny combination of internet and print outs well into his 80s. So no it’s not inevitable at all.

I know a couple like this in their late 50s!

They were lucky enough to make enough money to be essentially retired now, living off of a few houses rents. They have a phone but that's all. They are really happy helping look after their grandchildren and far more chilled than most of us!

But it can cause us issues as we have to.pick up the pieces for the things they refuse to adopt. But we won't change them!

Bought not brought, surely?

My dad, mid 70s, had an old Nokia that literally had DUST BALLS inside the screen it was that old. But he was remarkably open to buying a new iPhone, I took him and step Mum to store and they both got some slightly older model iPhones a few years ago. His stopped charging this year and he got me to order a replacement online for him (and posted me a cheque to pay me back for it haha). But they were never reluctant like yours, just hadn’t had someone to show them the possibilities/get them moving (I only moved back home a few years ago).

I think it all depends what actually interests you. Although I'm happy to use my phone and computer for online banking, shopping etc and download books to my kindle I have no interest in Netflix and have never downloaded any music or watched anything on YouTube other than exciting stuff like 'how to bleed a radiator'. TV, I just watch the original five channels and only at the time they are broadcast. Just haven't moved forward with that at al and I'm only in my 50s.

I've always said my mum was born old 🤣

My mum is in her 70s and is terrified of all technology. She's never used a computer (refuses to try), she won't even use a cash machine as it's too complicated and always goes into the bank. We bought her a very simple mobile phone but she panicked every time she tried to use it.

Yesterday she was distraught as a message appeared on her TV screen, I tried to guide her over the phone to push the downward arrow and then OK on the remote control but she was in tears with the stress of it all. I had to make a 30 mile round trip late in the evening to press the OK button!

I'd say her life hasn't evolved at all in the last 50 years. It's very sad, modern culture has passed her by and she lives in a time warp.

I expect some parents were too busy to learn about technology because they were looking after grandchildren, working to find children’s university/card/flat deposits/house deposits etc.

@Fairyliz
Not necessarily. Some are genuinely tech-phobic and have refused multiple offers from children and grandchildren to get them up to speed and equip them with gadgets that would greatly enhance their lives.

My mum only has a microwave because dad went out and bought one back in the early 90s when mum visited me to help out after the arrival of DS. She refuses to get a dishwasher, had an old rotary phone until it was simply impossible to use one any more. She refused for years to get a bank card and to set up direct debit for bill paying, preferring to go into town on the bus with a wad of cash in her handbag. She only uses her washing machine for a limited number of clothing items because she believes the rest of her clothes would be ruined by it. There is no basis whatsoever for this belief of hers. Other people have put in full loads of mixed fabrics and colours and shown her the excellent results.

I was the mother of four small children when technology really began to infiltrate our lives in earnest and still managed to find time to wrap my head around it all.

I think personality and individual feelings about the 'New' in all its forms, not just tech, is the reason for the divide between tech positive and tech phobic approaches. Perhaps people who cling to all the old ways have experienced some trauma that affects their trust in everything and everyone else in life. This is not ageism. I'm suggesting this with compassion.

There is also the fact that many older people experienced wartime childhoods and adolescence. The make do and mend spirit may have got more of a hold over some people's outlook on life than others, keeping them from seeing possibilities in new tech and inclined to stay in their own comfort zones. Again, this may be due to some trauma, or some life experience that prevented them from embracing new ways.

@LidoLady, my mum is in her late 80s and sounds very like yours.

When she presses the wrong button on the remote, mine relies on phone instructions from my sister, who nearly always ends up telling her to unplug the broadband cord (cue anxiety because broadband isn't something she understands).

That's different from your adult children eye-rolling because you won't FaceTime, though. Some people like a phone call, and find a basic mobile OK for this. There is nothing wrong with that.

@MargaretFraggle, there is something wrong with it if it means you never see photos of your grandchildren on another continent, and if your daughter has to keep a landline account costing $$ per year in order to take your calls. When an older woman in Ireland tells her friends that her daughter America never sends photos, they are inclined to think the worst of that daughter.

My mum recently gave out to her younger sister about never getting any photos of the sister's grandchildren, and was feeling very sorry for herself over the phone to me about being ignored. I pointed out that people take photos with their phones, send photos over the phone, and do not get rolls of film from a camera developed to post to people any more. She insisted that people take photos with cameras, and I had to explain that the cameras are digital, with no rolls of film, and they connect to phones and other devices.

Human connections are lost when someone decides to stick fingers in her ears and sing lalala instead of trying something new that would benefit everyone. It's not the 1930s any more, when relatives in Australia sent long letters that took six weeks to get to Ireland, and were treasured in a special box in the parlour.

Lockdown has been very hard on my mum for reasons she could have done something about but refused to. I know the reason for her refusal, but she is her own worst enemy in many ways, and it is incredibly frustrating.

Mathanxiety - that’s very much my mother’s situation, too. That way of thinking is difficult or impossible to shift, but so often it’s self-defeating.

My mum is in her 70s and is terrified of all technology. She's never used a computer (refuses to try), she won't even use a cash machine as it's too complicated and always goes into the bank.

So she was in her 20s when cash machines first appeared in Britain?!

I don't know if it's the case for other elderly people, but I get the distinct impression with my FIL (79) that, as well as 'being too old for all of that stuff', he partly feels it would be like losing a lot of control of all that the knowledge and experience that he's built up in his life and maybe force him to accept that much of it is now effectively obsolete.

If it makes sense, I'd liken it to winning the jackpot in the lottery at the age of 80: you'd be so thrilled that your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren etc. can have secure, comfortable lives; but, whilst it was necessary for all of those years, as you can't apply your win retrospectively, in one way, it can effectively seem like, on balance, all your work was for nothing.

I think it must be very embarrassing for a lot of proud elderly folk when they have 7yo (great) grand children who can understand something perfectly that they themselves don't have the faintest clue about. Not just something 'for the young' like knowing the names of the Octonauts or lyrics to the latest pop songs, but actually, as a young child, knowing the basics of how the whole world functions better than somebody 6, 7, 8 decades older does. In those circumstances, I can well see how you would find it easier to dismiss it all as laziness, a fad, fancy bells and whistles for the sake of it etc. than to come to terms with, in some major respects, much of what you've spent your life learning and understanding is now sadly pointless.

Sorry if that comes over harsh - it really isn't meant to, and I am most definitely NOT saying that older people themselves and their lives are obsolete - couldn't be further from that; but I probably haven't explained my thought process that well.

I often think the same when you hear of people who move to another country and stay (or are forced to stay) in their own little communities, meaning that they can live for 30 or 40 years in a country - having moved there already as an adult - and then their 5yo grandchild ends up already speaking the language of the country they all live in far better than they ever will. It just seems so very sad.

I am sure it's frustrating mathanxiety, and I also worried about my DM a lot during lockdown. However, I accepted that she does not do social media, does not enjoy Zoom or FaceTime and simply prefers a phone call (daily!). She does have whatsapp which helps.

In your situation I would probably send your mum a few photos every now and then by photobox. I have done this before for older relatives. They loved it. The choice is not just digitally sent photos or processed film. Also, a smart phone doesn't need to be an iphone, and people with smart phones don't need to FaceTime if they don't want to, which is the sort of complaint I am reading on here.

Just my opinion as a modern luddite

I can relate to the photos scenario too. Mum (73 quite with it) complains about no photos. I had to get a photo book done for her. She does have a very basic phone but only turns it on if she wants to send a message out - there’s no point in me replying as she won’t see it for months!

Before she got it she was adamant she wouldn’t get one/adamant she didn’t need it, then one day insisted she did need it as when she returns from holiday, she needs to call a taxi!

She is very suspicious of technology and being scammed. Mum got a phone deal with router etc and sent it back. My DD really hates that “Nana doesn’t have internet”. If she visits though, she will ask me to look stuff up on the IPad. I say to her that she is missing out but she just doesn’t want to know.

She also sent her debit card back and asked for one without Contactless. She also doesn’t believe you should use your card for anything other than large purchases, so if I try and use it for the car park fee ie quick swipe on the machine, she will be rushing to give me the cash and tell me not to use it.

My DMIL on the other hand (a few yrs older) uses her IPad all the time.

I find it frustrating.

My parents, I was shocked to find, enjoyed music in their youth, going to gigs and collecting records during the 70s. They played on sports teams and were popular, with lots of friends. What a time it must have been!

Especially because ten years later, they were miserable. They hated EVERYTHING. Never once did they put on some music. They disliked films, hated going out anywhere and, though they’d once owned cookbooks and held dinner parties, now both refused to cook or see friends, or have any, and we were never allowed anyone around to visit the house. I remember my mum, still only 30, constantly complaining she was ‘old’ and couldn’t do that, go there, wear this, because she was ‘old’. Haven't been to the cinema, theatre, a foreign holiday, a gallery, honestly anywhere at all since about 1981.

Though they had two children to show them how to use computers and phones in the 90s and 00s, they refused. They continue to shout loudly about their ineptitude at these things. They also like to claim everything 'is confusing'.

My mum’s refusal to touch anything new led to her leaving the workplace in her 50s and she refused to learn to use a computer.

It surprises me really, as they simply are not that old. They live alone now, bored, just watching TV. Never go out, refuse to even visit us to see their grandkids. Only 65ish. A waste of a life to be honest.

I work with people who are only a bit younger than them, and they’re youthful, fun, have interests and personalities, enjoy their job and enjoy the challenges it brings. Such a contrast to two people who hit age 30 and decided to put on old people clothes and scowl for the next 50 years.

My mum in her seventies has been texting on an old mobile for about twenty years. Can't use a smartphone or other technology. Doesn't bother me at all.

Why are so many people saying it's not normal? Normal to whom?? We're all different.

I know young people who are resistant to tech, as well as some elderly people. It may not be the majority but there are others out there who are the same.

My mum is now in her 80's but when my parents were in their 70's my dad was massively keen on all new things in the world of tech, so he had a laptop and mobile. He loved them! Mum had zero interest whatsoever and still none!

But you're right it would be very beneficial to them to learn. Maybe have a chat with them and see what it is they don't like, try to see if from their perspective and then take it from there.

It's too late for Photobox, @MargaretFraggle - my DCs are now aged 20 to 31.

WhatsApp is far easier and cheaper.