Should DH move abroad for job alone or should we join him? Dilemma.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old). Both DC are at nursery PT and will be doing longer hours from September when I’d planned to return to work. This job offer has completely thrown me. It means changing our lives entirely- the children having to settle at a new nursery and adjust to a new way of life is panicking me the most. Or, maybe I’m projecting and am worrying about how I’ll cope in an environment/culture that is materialistic/superficial/misogynistic?

My plans for September also included taking driving lessons and becoming a bit more independent with a car for my sake and the DC. Husband is desperate for us to move but I’m not sure what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind, move us all out with him (pack our lives into boxes by the 2nd of July) and see how life works out for us all? Or, should I wait it out and let my husband settle there first, pass probation and get the ‘lay of the land’ before we join him? Or, should I stay put with the DC and we can take turns visiting one another every half term/end of term? The latter would mean less disruption for DC (my absolute priority) since they’ll still have their nursery space and key workers and other children they’re familiar with and would also mean I can focus on myself a bit too- I’m itching to get back to work. I’m scared I won’t cope alone but I won’t know until I try it, will I?

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed. I’m scared, left to my own devices, I might crumble. Massively. Having said that, he’ll be working silly hours in his new job so it’s not as if he’ll be able to help me out there BUT nannies/house help is cheap I’m the ME so I’d be able to buy in help? But, then I’ll worry they’re out of the British system/way of doing things and how that will negatively impact them when we come back? Argh, as you can tell, I’m struggling with all this massively. Can someone shed any light on living abroad with young children? Or even guide me on what I should do next? I’m so, so lost right now.

Apologies for the garbled post. I’ve been trying to sleep for ages but sleep just isn’t coming right now because of my anxiety around this impending move.

As others have said, given your updates, don’t go! You can visit at Christmas and Easter for some sun instead. ME education isn’t terrible by the way, unless you’re thinking they’d go to local schooos where the instruction will be in Arabic. Most expatriate children attend international schools which are usually excellent. Fees are high. The cost of living is high. I’m not sure you’d save much money if you all moved out there. I’ve lived all over the ME region so if you have any questions…

I’d let him go but get him to sign the divorce papers first.

I don't think your marriage is going to fail anyway. You have conceived two young children, so you must have been close relatively recently. Gaining employment will boost his self-confidence and will help.

I don't think you should go at all. Certainly wait to see how things pan out for him and let him get settled. But I don't think you should go. All the good possible outcomes seem to depend on things going smoothly, but life isn't like that. Help in the home is cheap, but you don't want to be reliant on it - e.g. if you feel unwell for a period of time.

Not all possible problems are on a par. The scenario whereby DH could, theoretically, keep the children in the ME country, according to their law, is an horrendous one. Yes, at the moment he might not seem likely to want to contemplate anything like that, but the circumstances around a split are different, and create new dynamics. He would talk to other people, maybe friends who grew up in the cultural system there, and they might put forward convincing arguments for him to try to keep the kids there.

You not working there would change the dynamics of the relationship. Did you say you had been the main earner in Britain, before the kids came along?. Your relationship has changed because of having children, and you are now contemplating another big, well huge, unknown.

I would stay at home; get help from family or a nanny and let him get back his confidence at work. I think whether someone has an affair is difficult to predict, but I don't think you should put your children through upheval and massive uncertainty, just on the thought that you living in the home with him will stop him having an affair.

It sounds like you are going to end up a single parent anyway.
Stay home. Keep control of your environment.
The mere fact that he has created this ultimatum speaks volumes.
My dh was offered work in the ME when our children were young. I was clear that I would not take the kids who were toddler and baby at the time. He was clear that he would miss us too much to go alone, so that was that.

I used to live in the UAE and I echo the posters who urge you not to go. Quite apart from anything to do with your marriage or your MH, it doesn’t sound as if he’s been well advised at all — the package is poor, ME start-up costs are huge, rents often need to be paid a year in advance upfront (and that’s without factoring in education for your children or travel), and as a pp said, an unusually high proportion of jobs turn out to be not as described. But surely he knows he’s not going to come out ahead financially, so is he simply doing this to end your marriage?

@insertrandomusernamehere

Thanks *@ScottishNewbie* but his new salary isn't all that great :/ we have to pay for our own housing costs and the children's new nursery costs out there. Moving out there would also mean I'd have to put my career on hold for a bit longer- what would I do out there to occupy my time? I can't stand the heat so beach visits are out!

Normally people move their lives abroad for a great salary and all the perks that come with an ex-pat lifestyle. If you won't be getting any of that then what's the point? In your position I would not go and would be strongly urging my DH not to go either for the greater good of the family. For what it's worth as a woman I wouldn't willingly move to a Middle Eastern country anyway.

he is unlikely to invoke sharia law about children staying with the father

Just the fact that he could potentially invoke sharia law would be enough reason for me not to go - let alone having to get packed up and ready to go by next week.

Normally I'm all for going on the adventure and screwing the consequences, but in this situation, even if you forget about the DC, you're potentially getting yourself into a very lonely situation depending on ease of integration into local/expat communities, as well as delaying returning to work and being bored to death.

I would go for the month if it won't strain the relationship to be stuck in a hotel managing DC and if it can really be like a holiday. After that, decide whether you want to do the long-distance thing or wait until he's settled and move over. But really it sounds like a lot of upheaval for very little gain. And if you are miserable, the DC will be miserable even if they do have their dad.

Just imagine he's been posted somewhere with the army, keep the counselling going, keep the DC where they are and build your life back up from the ashes of PND. Lots of FaceTime and as many visits as you can afford, especially him coming back. Then whether you make a go of the marriage or not you'll be in a good place.

@SheepGoBaaaa

I used to live in the UAE and I echo the posters who urge you not to go. Quite apart from anything to do with your marriage or your MH, it doesn’t sound as if he’s been well advised at all — the package is poor, ME start-up costs are huge, rents often need to be paid a year in advance upfront (and that’s without factoring in education for your children or travel), and as a pp said, an unusually high proportion of jobs turn out to be not as described. But surely he knows he’s not going to come out ahead financially, so is he simply doing this to end your marriage?

I think a lot of posters are missing the fact that the DH is out of work at the moment, with no prospect of a U.K. job. So taking a gamble on a ME post makes sense from that POV.

However, I 💯 agree with everyone saying don't go to the OP. Her DH needs to go out, see what it's really like, see whether his salary covers costs, and get established. If DH has got himself properly sorted and the job's good, then the OP might consider joining him but only then. Even if their marriage was rock-solid, it would be madness to go now.

@Divebar2021

he is unlikely to invoke sharia law about children staying with the father

Just the fact that he could potentially invoke sharia law would be enough reason for me not to go - let alone having to get packed up and ready to go by next week.

100% this. I moved home to my country to have my child so that if a split did happen, then I wouldn't be stuck in a country and be unable to leave and return home. I'd hope we don't split but you need to be realistic about these things. You can never say never

DC1 had a lot of emerging sensory processing-type issues and needs a lot of prep when it comes to visiting new places, etc. I'm scared any nursery out there will dismiss his needs as him being fussy, spoilt, etc. That's one of the reasons

You don’t seem to have much if anything positive to say or think about this part of the world so I doubt any move you may make would be given a fair chance by you and it’s probably best you stay put for that reason alone.

But there is also the above about your DC1 and it’s a scenario I know much about due to life experiences and there are children in nurseries with the kind of issues you’ve mentioned and just as there are people who may think your child is spoiled there would be those who’d know the score immediately.

You would be in the private/international/community school sector and you get what you pay for so you may have a school that does have a decent SEN dept or you may have one that doesn’t entertain children with any level of SEN. Even then you may find there is a long waiting list for children to enter as a child who needs support.

Then there is the fact that children can go up and down waiting lists like yoyo’s due to siblings being given priority over everyone else for a place. So you may think you have the place only for it to be given to someone else.

Oh and it’s just not fees you have to pay. There is also an upfront payment some schools charge that is never refunded. It’s seen as a gift to the school. And I think at one of the international school some of my grandchildren attend it’s about 8k pounds per child when they start school never to be seen again.

If you go and you split up he will insist on the children staying there to prevent you from leaving. Don't go. Not even forc a month.

I think, if you don’t go, you are essentially calling time on your marriage

I think the OP's husband by taking this job has already done that. There doesn't sound like there is any benefit for you and your sons OP. Your husband sounds disengaged and disinterested already. If you are going to be a single mother, better to be one here where your sons are already settled and happy and you can get a job etc. Good luck whatever you decide, but I hope for yours and your sons' sake you don't go.

@Divebar2021

he is unlikely to invoke sharia law about children staying with the father

Just the fact that he could potentially invoke sharia law would be enough reason for me not to go - let alone having to get packed up and ready to go by next week.

I don't know what country it is, but if neither are Muslim Shariah law is unlikely to be an issue. The issue is that if he is the visa sponsor he can probably block the children from leaving the country whilst there's an ongoing custody battle.

Not necessarily if the law of the land is Sharia-based in relation to divorce, child custody etc, @Normaigai.

I know the OP has said the country in question isn’t the UAE, but have a look at this link, which outlines the legal situation with children after a divorce:
expatriatelaw.com/arrangements-for-children-after-divorce-in-the-uae/

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

God.

Don't go

OP...I've lived and worked as a teacher in Abu Dhabi.

1. It is HOT

1. Living costs are EXPENSIVE

1. For women, it is restrictive...there are many laws (not just 'rules', actual LAWS!) that if you break, or even appear to break, you are in very big trouble.

1. Your marriage is shit...you have small children! Your husband will be very involved in his new job...see '3' above. You will be very lonely.

1. Do your research...really well!!! It's not 'the financial dream' that they like to sell! Tax free isn't enough!

1. Don't go...I wouldn't in your position.

I did enjoy my year there but only because I had housing provided and a strong, stable support network at the time. I was single with no dependants. I would not have done so in your position...and I wouldn't go back, for many reasons. Not least because of how women are treated and seen.

I would not move to a middle eastern country.

Stay where you are.

[quote SheepGoBaaaa]Not necessarily if the law of the land is Sharia-based in relation to divorce, child custody etc, @Normaigai.

I know the OP has said the country in question isn’t the UAE, but have a look at this link, which outlines the legal situation with children after a divorce:
expatriatelaw.com/arrangements-for-children-after-divorce-in-the-uae/[/quote]
UAE law is only Shariah based for custody if one parent is Muslim. That link is not correct. There may be some countries that apply Shariah law regardless of religion of the parents but I'm not aware of one, although I suspect Saudi would. I assume this isn't Saudi but Qatar/Bahrain/Oman.

You'd be mad to uproot the children (and yourself), especially as you say your marriage is shit. Don't do it.
Why on earth is your husband even entertaining such a big move if he'll only be earning 2k more??? Is it all just one big adventure for him because it seems quite selfish to me?

I’ve moved overseas and been an expat mum/spouse for many years. It can be amazing if you have
A solid marriage
A good package for you and children
Being ok with leaving support network
Clear plan of what you want professionally for yourself

You have pnd and a Rocky marriage, those two alone are a recipe for disaster. Sorry to be brutal but I have seen many similar situations.
At the very least get your driving licence and get back to work for a year.
Do not go on a posting unable to drive you’ll have no independence.

Surely any extra money he is earning would be used up on all the flights back and forth you’d be making?

And you don’t have to live on the same country to make a marriage work. Both distance or moving abroad together are tests of a marriage. If it’s meant to survive it will survive either way