Should DH move abroad for job alone or should we join him? Dilemma.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old). Both DC are at nursery PT and will be doing longer hours from September when I’d planned to return to work. This job offer has completely thrown me. It means changing our lives entirely- the children having to settle at a new nursery and adjust to a new way of life is panicking me the most. Or, maybe I’m projecting and am worrying about how I’ll cope in an environment/culture that is materialistic/superficial/misogynistic?

My plans for September also included taking driving lessons and becoming a bit more independent with a car for my sake and the DC. Husband is desperate for us to move but I’m not sure what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind, move us all out with him (pack our lives into boxes by the 2nd of July) and see how life works out for us all? Or, should I wait it out and let my husband settle there first, pass probation and get the ‘lay of the land’ before we join him? Or, should I stay put with the DC and we can take turns visiting one another every half term/end of term? The latter would mean less disruption for DC (my absolute priority) since they’ll still have their nursery space and key workers and other children they’re familiar with and would also mean I can focus on myself a bit too- I’m itching to get back to work. I’m scared I won’t cope alone but I won’t know until I try it, will I?

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed. I’m scared, left to my own devices, I might crumble. Massively. Having said that, he’ll be working silly hours in his new job so it’s not as if he’ll be able to help me out there BUT nannies/house help is cheap I’m the ME so I’d be able to buy in help? But, then I’ll worry they’re out of the British system/way of doing things and how that will negatively impact them when we come back? Argh, as you can tell, I’m struggling with all this massively. Can someone shed any light on living abroad with young children? Or even guide me on what I should do next? I’m so, so lost right now.

Apologies for the garbled post. I’ve been trying to sleep for ages but sleep just isn’t coming right now because of my anxiety around this impending move.

I wouldn’t want to be a ‘trailing spouse’ and wouldn’t support DH doing this. Suggest staying in the UK.

I think he's setting himself up for a split, blaming you for not 'supporting' him by moving.

I would focus on driving, getting a job and managing the children as best as you can.

I really don't think it is in your best interests or your children's best interests to move and the fact he hasn't taken this into account would be the key fact for me.

Qatar/Bahrain/Oman

I’m very well versed with the law in one of the countries above and the reason I don’t get involved when people are saying according to the law/or sharia this would happen etc is because so much of what they say is absolute shite.

There are zero benefits for you and your children to moving. I agree with a pp this is a slow ending of your marriage.

You won't even benefit financially which is the main/only reason people move to a misogynist desert.

Your mental health isn't going to improve in a country where you know no one, can't work and it's too hot to go outside. Don't do it.

Even if you just went fir the month, it's too hot to actually do anything with the kids. Having 2 kids in a hotel room for a month would be my idea of hell. Hubby would be going out to work and getting a break/ meeting people - your MH will probably dive.

I lived for 10 years in the ME. I loved it, though we didn't have a maid or need anyone to help with children, we were on good money and saved, as well as having a good life, so I hated coming back to Europe. But I am a spoiled old brat. There is absolutely no way I would move now if I were in your shoes. The "tax-free" aspect is often not as good as you might hope it would be and there are all kinds of "stealth taxes" creeping in nowadays, even if you're not paying any actual income tax. The cost of living is high and you will only have the option of private schooling for your children, and that becomes extremely expensive if it isn't subsidised by your employer, unless you decide to home-school, which would certainly occupy your time! It is difficult to get good help for children who might not be considered completely "normal". Given the state of your marriage and your PND, I would not even consider leaving home if I were you. Certainly don't make any decision until your husband has completed his probation period. Also, now, you are coming in to the hottest time of the year and it will be a nightmare for you and the children. Honestly, please don't do it to yourself. I'm no psychologist, but I'm fairly sure that you will cope better in your familiar environment, getting on with the life you had planned, even without the support of your DH, than you will in a foreign country, new to you, where you probably won't be getting much support from your DH because he will be concentrating on his job.
Good luck with your decision.

I think your reasoning is way out of kilter.
How will an increase in salary of 2k get you out of debt if you will have to pay increases costs for housing, schooling and travelling?
When you add in the complicating factors of you being non Caucasian and your children's ages and needs, your PND , the state of your marriage, and the misogyny in the ME affecting your ability to work, drive and go out, AND you hate the heat, it's clear at best you will have a very restricted life with not much more money, and at worst you could be trapped there for years.
Don't do it. I don't understand how either of you even contemplated the move in those circumstances.

If the package is a local rather than expat one he is going to struggle to afford the lifestyle he is probably expecting. Without an allowance most of the international schools, housing, private healthcare, domestic help, flights home will be beyond you. Does his visa allow for you all to reside? How would he support you if you stay here? To an extent it depends which country as some are more liberal than others. Maybe plan for him to go and you to visit when it is cooler. However once you go it may be difficult to return to UK, if not due to Covid restrictions as several areas are Red atm, legally he may have the power to make you stay.

ME affecting your ability to work, drive and go out

Women have been driving in Saudi for a wee while now and no other country didn’t allow women to drive.

Stay where you are, op. You have a job, the DC are settled. Don't even go for a month, it could be hard to come back.

Don't go.

I lived in Middle East for many years and the expat lifestyle is terrible for marriage unless you are absolutely solid.
Also if he is not on a big package with school fees and good housing allowance etc you may end up not living in a great area, not able to drive, very little public transport and he willl be working horrendously long hours. And you probably won't be able to get a helper either.

Stay in UK.

Go, at that age they are very portable. I lived overseas when mine were that age. But I would try to learn to drive now before you go, when the kids are currently in nursery use that time for lessons, book a theory test today. I didn't drive, mistake!

Reading the initial post i was like "ah go on! give it a crack"

Reading the follow ups:
Given the work package (no accomodation and no schooling is a big deal), the state of your marriage and your kids needs I wouldn't go.

Hell would freeze over in fact.
I am amazed you are even considering it.

If you need the money tell him you'll follow once he is settled then stall and back track and insist the kids are too settled.
For visits I would get him to return to uk and i would never fly out there (there is nothing but too much heat and oppression of women) and while highly unlikely I would refuse to enable any kind of custody issue by taking my children out of the UK.

The baby can stay home, your bigger one only needs pt preschool if anything - enjoy the time with your kids. They can share a room to keep costs low. Exh was on very low money when we were overseas but it was a great adventure.

Don't focus on the disruption to dc nursery education though, they would learn and reintegrate as needs be. It is far less disruptive to move when younger and if you are not working you can help them keep pace. The issue is you would not be able to afford the equivalent education there without funding assuming there were places available, and accessing SN support if needs be could prove difficult. Also some censorship of tv and internet still exists so some familiar resources may not be accessible.

I'd rather chop my leg off than live in the ME.

Not a nice place for a woman and I wouldn't want my kids picking up that aspect of the culture

He’s not earning £2k more, he’s earning 100% more and the o it thing I would say in his defence is that he’s clearly desperate to find some kind of work and this is all he’s been able to come up with.
Have you had a discussion about how your existing home will be funded along with his ME home, and nursery costs etc? I can’t imagine that you’d be able to enforce any arrangements about financial support for you and the kids - does he plan to support you or is this about him saving up for himself? Equally the tax benefit only arises if he remains outside the UK for 2 years I think - this isn’t a quick fix.
If however his role really has disappeared in the UK post pandemic, a short term ME contract is not going to solve the long term problem- has he discussed what he thinks he can do longer term? This feels like a panicked reaction (understandably) to not being able to f d work here.
(If it’s Muscat, I would actually say go however!)

@LIZS

If the package is a local rather than expat one he is going to struggle to afford the lifestyle he is probably expecting. Without an allowance most of the international schools, housing, private healthcare, domestic help, flights home will be beyond you. Does his visa allow for you all to reside? How would he support you if you stay here? To an extent it depends which country as some are more liberal than others. Maybe plan for him to go and you to visit when it is cooler. However once you go it may be difficult to return to UK, if not due to Covid restrictions as several areas are Red atm, legally he may have the power to make you stay.

People keep saying things like this but it's not whether the package includes these benefits but what the total package is. If he's on AED100k a month, it doesn't matter whether he has housing and schooling included. More and more employers don't do 'family' packages anymore - they pay an amount and you decide how you want to spend it. Usually there's a series of benefits that make up the package, but only because it is financially prudent for the employer to structure it that way.

I remember speaking to someone complaining we didn't get housing allowance who seemed to seriously think that employers who paid housing didn't pay an associated lower basic.

He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children

As you say though, he can always hire domestic help, if he got really petty he could easily keep the kids and it wouldn’t affect his life, just swap you for a housekeeper/nanny.

I wouldn’t move to the ME ever.

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

This is exactly what I think would happen. He'd be working long hours (as you say in another post), so you'd hardly see him.

You want to get back to work, get kids settled etc. That would be so much more difficult in a new (misogynistic) country, including finding a new job. Would you even be able to work, or would you be on a tourist visa?

He wants the family to move with him so he has the comfort of having you and the kids around him, but he doesn't actually want to do anything with you - he doesn't want to be involved in the kids' upbringing, and he won't be around much to spend time with you.

Why put yourself through that? What's the benefit for you in moving? I can't see any. It's all about what he wants, and you're on the brink of breaking up already.

Strong marriages can survive one partner working away but it's tough. A weak marriage is less likely to. However a weak marriage isn't likely to survive being trapped in an apartment in a new culture far away from friends and family either.

Being totally pragmatic and speaking plainly here, from what you've said, your marriage is dicey and is likely to end whether you go with him or stay here so your choice boils down to - would you prefer your marriage to end at home or overseas? From that point of view it's a no brainer.

If I were you I'd hedge my bets. Don't be railroaded into making a decision quickly. Let DH start his contract on his own. If you miss him and realise you can't live without him you can start to extend your visits with a view to staying out there permanently. If the enforced separation feels comfortable and right, you can then take steps to make it permanent.

@insertrandomusernamehere

Don't worry about the education side, your children are small, and you can home school if needed, I home schooled my eldest until 6 because of school starting later where we were (we then returned to the U.K.)

If you don't want to go that's fine but the kids aren't the reason, especially childcare and education. Your eldest might benefit a lot from not having the pressure of nursery to conform. My dd is autistic so I do get it!

If he had a good ex pat package including housing and child care, and if your marriage was good then I would go for it and embrace the opportunity.

However, the financial package isn't great, your marriage is shit and you want different things.

Go for the month, enjoy the holiday and then come home and get on with life as a single parent.

This is such an ludicrous idea OP

I can’t really get my head around the fact that the job was accepted and the rest of you treated almost as an afterthought

Do not go

You cannot understand how expensive everything is - it’s ridiculous

You have such limited choices there if your marriage goes tits up