Should DH move abroad for job alone or should we join him? Dilemma.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old). Both DC are at nursery PT and will be doing longer hours from September when I’d planned to return to work. This job offer has completely thrown me. It means changing our lives entirely- the children having to settle at a new nursery and adjust to a new way of life is panicking me the most. Or, maybe I’m projecting and am worrying about how I’ll cope in an environment/culture that is materialistic/superficial/misogynistic?

My plans for September also included taking driving lessons and becoming a bit more independent with a car for my sake and the DC. Husband is desperate for us to move but I’m not sure what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind, move us all out with him (pack our lives into boxes by the 2nd of July) and see how life works out for us all? Or, should I wait it out and let my husband settle there first, pass probation and get the ‘lay of the land’ before we join him? Or, should I stay put with the DC and we can take turns visiting one another every half term/end of term? The latter would mean less disruption for DC (my absolute priority) since they’ll still have their nursery space and key workers and other children they’re familiar with and would also mean I can focus on myself a bit too- I’m itching to get back to work. I’m scared I won’t cope alone but I won’t know until I try it, will I?

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed. I’m scared, left to my own devices, I might crumble. Massively. Having said that, he’ll be working silly hours in his new job so it’s not as if he’ll be able to help me out there BUT nannies/house help is cheap I’m the ME so I’d be able to buy in help? But, then I’ll worry they’re out of the British system/way of doing things and how that will negatively impact them when we come back? Argh, as you can tell, I’m struggling with all this massively. Can someone shed any light on living abroad with young children? Or even guide me on what I should do next? I’m so, so lost right now.

Apologies for the garbled post. I’ve been trying to sleep for ages but sleep just isn’t coming right now because of my anxiety around this impending move.

It's only 2k more than UK salary? But with no package? Housing/schooling/medical?
Have you actually sat down and weighed up all of the costs?

Well I read your posts and the answer is simple, No.

Please don’t, the reasons not to are far far
more than the reasons to move.

@ScottishNewbie - that's the plan. Get some space from one another. He saves and I start working again and I save. We carry on with the couples counselling from two different places and hopefully when he returns, we'll hopefully be on a more even footing re: independence/financially so we can then plan next steps. I just want to move to the unknown, hate it there and then come back and try to rebuild our lives by getting the DC back into a nursery (getting a place is a nightmare with an 18-24 months waiting list) and getting ourselves up and running again.

Do not go. If your marriage breaks down he can prevent you from bringing your DC home. Even if you were moving to a place where women had equal rights to men it would still be incredibly difficult (if not impossible) for you to move home with your DC if he didn't agree.

[quote insertrandomusernamehere]@ScottishNewbie - that's the plan. Get some space from one another. He saves and I start working again and I save. We carry on with the couples counselling from two different places and hopefully when he returns, we'll hopefully be on a more even footing re: independence/financially so we can then plan next steps. I just want to move to the unknown, hate it there and then come back and try to rebuild our lives by getting the DC back into a nursery (getting a place is a nightmare with an 18-24 months waiting list) and getting ourselves up and running again. [/quote]

Just don't want to move*

Don’t go.

Have you costed everything up? If you were all going what happens to your house here? If you stay will you be able to pay for 2 lots of accommodation, regular flights etc.

Any expat will tell you NOT to move unless your relationship is solid and you have the potential to have an interesting life in your own right. Throw in the fact that you are still dealing with PND and the pay isn't amazing, it would be a huge mistake to go, honestly. And especially not within two weeks!

He should go and test it out, he might hate it anyway. See how things are going in a few months.

I know you are scared of doing it all on your own but you will find a way. It might even be easier without a troubled relationship affecting you day to day.

He wouldn't want the children- I can't emphasise that enough! It's all on me if anything goes wrong. He can't deal with the pressures of family life and is very open about it hence the couples counselling.

We've sat down and costed everything out- the finances work. He'd continue paying for everything here as well as his living expenses abroad. His package doesn't include housing or nursery/school fees but does cover us all medically.

Would you trust him living alone abroad?

He's been invited for a month long induction where he'd be in a hotel. He wants us to come with him. We'll go but then I want to come back and see how he gets on there and how I cope here. If it works, fab. If not, then we'll move out there. There's just so much to think about that I can't make sense of what the best thing for me and the boys would be. Husband can happily live alone forever and ever and ever. This is a big adventure for him. For me, it's hassle and lots of little sacrifices.

Do you honestly think that being in another country will help. It seems to me that he isn't bothered about you and the kids that much, being in another country is unlikely to change that and in most liklihood will just make you feel worse. You will lose independence and any support you have. Definitely stay here at least for the next few months.

Don’t go!
It would be madness in your situation.
Stay where you are, take driving lessons and focus on regaining some independence.
Sorry you had horrendous PND 💐

@ineedaholidaynow

Would you trust him living alone abroad?

I genuinely would. He's an arsehole in lots of ways but he's fair. He wouldn't torture/punish the DC to get back at me. He'd do what's best for them.

I would have said go, if you are undecided.

I've done two trailing spouse moves and have got a lot out of them (as well as having lost a lot)

But.

They are a strain on the best marriages at times. Don't go if your marriage is already fragile.

Don't go if you know you don't want to go.

Don't go. You already said your marriage is unhappy. It doesn't seem like you're excited to go there. It will be a huge cultural change. You said he'll be working all hours. You said a year could make a big difference financially, so tell him to go for a year then reevaluate.

I would never move overseas with young children without a rock solid marriage. Especially to a middle eastern country.

Sorry for the bitty updates: I should add- we're not a Caucasian family so we'll all probably be treated like shit out there anyway. DC1 had a lot of emerging sensory processing-type issues and needs a lot of prep when it comes to visiting new places, etc. I'm scared any nursery out there will dismiss his needs as him being fussy, spoilt, etc. That's one of the reasons I want to stay here- he's happy where he is and the staff are great.

We have an expression where I come from.

There is need.

There is greed

There is insanity.

Stay where you are, I had a friend who did it, husband was very high up, put it this way they now bank offshore, but they only stuck it out, because the children went into the school system and they were stuck. The day after their youngest daughter finished school she took the children straight to the airport and headed home, he followed a month later.

And their marriage was ROCK solid.

@insertrandomusernamehere

He's been invited for a month long induction where he'd be in a hotel. He wants us to come with him. We'll go but then I want to come back and see how he gets on there and how I cope here. If it works, fab. If not, then we'll move out there. There's just so much to think about that I can't make sense of what the best thing for me and the boys would be. Husband can happily live alone forever and ever and ever. This is a big adventure for him. For me, it's hassle and lots of little sacrifices.

I'd go along with what you've put here, with one exception: if it doesn't work, stay put and make a new life without him where you are. Do the hotel month but that would be it for me, no matter what happened afterwards.

@FinallyFluid

We have an expression where I come from.

There is need.

There is greed

There is insanity.

Stay where you are, I had a friend who did it, husband was very high up, put it this way they now bank offshore, but they only stuck it out, because the children went into the school system and they were stuck. The day after their youngest daughter finished school she took the children straight to the airport and headed home, he followed a month later.

Thanks for this. It's one of the things worrying me- imagine we go for a few years and then return to the Uk for the children's schooling (ME education is terrible according to my ME heritage friends), my DC will have missed out on all the prep work their nursery would've done to have them settle in to the new setting plus all the friendships that are formed at nursery and continue at primary school.

I envy your friends financial status but nothing is more important that my children's well-being. I have to do what's best for them but then I think would it be to separate them from their dad?

Let him go, do the probation period, then see where things are.

How would you cope in a hotel with 2 small children?

I wouldn't worry about separating them from a dad who works all hours and can't cope with family life

The more you write, I genuinely don't understand why you're even considering it

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself

Don’t go! It would be madness in your situation. Stay where you are, take driving lessons and focus on regaining some independence. Sorry you had horrendous PND 💐

Listen to everyone's warnings. Stay here and get a job and learn to drive. You may find your PND will lessen when you are more independent and he is out of your everyday life. Your marriage is not in a good state. Out there, you and the children will be his Property. If you fly in with the children to visit him, you will have to have his written permission to leave with them. You may think he would not want the children, but if your marriage breaks up he might decide to keep them just because you DO want them.