Should DH move abroad for job alone or should we join him? Dilemma.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old). Both DC are at nursery PT and will be doing longer hours from September when I’d planned to return to work. This job offer has completely thrown me. It means changing our lives entirely- the children having to settle at a new nursery and adjust to a new way of life is panicking me the most. Or, maybe I’m projecting and am worrying about how I’ll cope in an environment/culture that is materialistic/superficial/misogynistic?

My plans for September also included taking driving lessons and becoming a bit more independent with a car for my sake and the DC. Husband is desperate for us to move but I’m not sure what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind, move us all out with him (pack our lives into boxes by the 2nd of July) and see how life works out for us all? Or, should I wait it out and let my husband settle there first, pass probation and get the ‘lay of the land’ before we join him? Or, should I stay put with the DC and we can take turns visiting one another every half term/end of term? The latter would mean less disruption for DC (my absolute priority) since they’ll still have their nursery space and key workers and other children they’re familiar with and would also mean I can focus on myself a bit too- I’m itching to get back to work. I’m scared I won’t cope alone but I won’t know until I try it, will I?

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed. I’m scared, left to my own devices, I might crumble. Massively. Having said that, he’ll be working silly hours in his new job so it’s not as if he’ll be able to help me out there BUT nannies/house help is cheap I’m the ME so I’d be able to buy in help? But, then I’ll worry they’re out of the British system/way of doing things and how that will negatively impact them when we come back? Argh, as you can tell, I’m struggling with all this massively. Can someone shed any light on living abroad with young children? Or even guide me on what I should do next? I’m so, so lost right now.

Apologies for the garbled post. I’ve been trying to sleep for ages but sleep just isn’t coming right now because of my anxiety around this impending move.

You would be mad to go.

If he were even a halfway decent husband and father he wouldn't be asking or putting you in this position by going. I say that having read the context you've provided.

He wouldn't prevent me leaving the country with the children. He knows children need stability (which both of us didn't have growing up) and it's better us separated and happy vs together and miserable.

You do realise every mother who has been prevented from leaving a foreign country with her children once adamantly believed the man would never do that to her? None of them moved thinking it would happen to her.

You're being naive on that point.

How could he possibly fund another lifestyle rent/food/bills etc etc in an expensive country like UAE and still pay everything at home and save money? On 2k more? Its ridiculous. Your going to be hemorrhaging money!

I’ve been an expat twice. Even in countries where things seem cheaper, it’s still quite expensive to live there. It sounds like he’ll be there on a “local” package, so no assistance with housing, relocation, schooling and healthcare and not much of an salary uplift. Some of the other expats will be on better packages. You won’t get Uk child benefit and therefore you won’t get anything towards your state pension. When you come back you have to re-register with a doctor and wait 3 months to use the NHS. Jabs before you go (cholera, typhoid etc.) and children’s immunisations once you’re there will probably have to be paid for.

There’s all the hassle of getting visas, not being able to speak the local language (it’s scary being in a taxi driven by a lunatic where you don’t know the words for “slow down”). If your DH likes “British” food such as only Heinz baked beans or HP sauce, then this imported stuff is expensive, and he’ll moan about your cooking not tasting right. Being stuck in a foreigners’ type housing area where you have to get taxis everywhere sucks.

It’ll cost ££ to fly out there and transport your stuff, and you have to wait for it to get through customs. Depending on the country, there are certain things you can’t bring. Popular flights times such as Xmas and half terms get booked up early and cost more.

It’s very isolating to be stuck in a highrise flat all day with young children, and if you step outside in the summer you can hardly move for the sweltering heat. Working long days may mean he then socialises with his new work buddies, leaving you on your own in the evenings too.

If you own your home back home then you have to rent it out, more hassle.

Just sorting out a lot of day to day things in another country/culture/language takes time, and of course he’s busy at work so it will all be up to you!

It’s tempting to do a “relocation” to run away from your problems and go somewhere new, but the excitement in being in a new place soon wears off in a few months and the problems are still there…

le. People from our background are usually referred to as the 'service class' so there are the pitfalls of that

In 40 plus years I’ve never once heard that expression.

Don’t do it - can tell from your responses which way you are DEFINITELY leaning. Do not ignore your instinct.

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

Do not go if your marriage is shit. Makes zero sense

I would let him go and settle for a bit, work out what you will be able to do over there as expat life for the partner can be a bit dull if you are staying at home and unable to work..... We just returned from an expat assignment and I knew the minute we got there it was a mistake and I wished my husband had been out for a while first instead of arriving there blind as it was incredibly stressful. Like others have said there were good bits and I made great friends but there was more bad than good in our experience.

If you're worried about £3-4k for driving lessons he's really not being paid enough to move the family. This is how expensive the Middle East is!

I haven't heard 'service class' referred to either. I am assuming your background is not South Asian from that though as I can't see how that group would be referred to as that. If your family is black or Filippo heritage I would take that as another good reason to not move, sadly.

Your current plan makes sense. Please don't go now.

Don't go. Your marriage is in the rocks. He doesn't give a shit about his kids and leaves it all to you. So you won't be worse off in that sense. He'll probably be working long hours so you'll be left alone in a strange country getting over PND. You would be mad to go.

not being able to drive out there (I've looked up taking driving lessons out there and they're roughly £3-£4K for 20 hours of lessons!!!), etc. being bored (I don't see shopping as entertainment sadly and don't want the DC to get into a habit of thinking buying things is the sole reason for existing). The ME is also brand obsessed and we as a family are not- I don't want the DC growing up to think they'll only buy X or wear Y branded things. Basically, the country he'll be moving to doesn't fit my parenting/lifestyle model (I know that sound wankerish- sorry!!!).

Driving lessons? I don’t know where you read the figure you mentioned but I can tell you that where I live ( it’s one of the countries where the new job could be) the figure for learning to drive is nothing like the one you’ve mentioned.

Shopping as entertainment? Again I don’t know where you get your information but shopping is way down the list of people priorities here as there’s so much more to do. The weather is fabulous 9 months of the year and most people spend it outdoors and even then there are still places you can camp in the summer.

The middle east is brand obsessed? Perhaps Dubai is but the rest of us are kind of country bumpkins compared to Dubai and the greater majority of people live very normal lives with limited mean and wouldn’t know a designer brand of it bit them on the bum.

The country he’s moving to doesn’t fit your parenting style? I think it’s more like your cliched ideas of life in the middle east is so out of kilter that you basically don’t know a thing about it.

Should you come? Again, I say no. But this time I’ll also say you shouldn’t come because you’re not actually the type of expat people would like here. And that may surprise you but just as people are allowed to say they won’t come here for x y and z reasons - the people who are from here, citizens and residents, are also allowed to say please don’t come because your not the type of person we need here.

I wouldn't. A friend of mine has lived all over the world as a trailing spouse and just rolls her sleeves up and gets on with it.

BUT when she moved to Saudi (or was it Dubai, I can't remember), she lasted a fortnight before throwing the towel in and moving back to the UK. Husband was on a 2 or 3 year contract, they made it work.

Where on earth are you thinking of moving to?! It can't be Oman with the comments about brands and shopping as entertainment. Maybe Qatar? Even if Qatar that is massively stereotyping. I've lived in Qatar and most people are just normal down to earth people. I hate shopping, it's torture not entertainment and I didn't feel particularly out of place with that attitude!

The Middle East is the sort of place you go to only as an expat on a very high salary with everything paid for. Everything that makes life comfortable for someone from a British background is very expensive because it's set up for people who can pay. If you don't have spare money to throw around in case things get hard as well ... it will be difficult.

I'm from a Muslim country with a low exchange rate - nurses, finance professional etc regularly move to the Middle East for a couple of years and come back with enough money to buy a house outright. None of them even contemplated staying

@MaBroon21

le. People from our background are usually referred to as the 'service class' so there are the pitfalls of that

In 40 plus years I’ve never once heard that expression.

I used to live in the UAE, and I immediately knew what the OP meant.

I think you are sensible to not jump in

Fwiw, I went expat with DH when we had a baby, then moved to another country when kids were 1 and 4

It was hard

Even though we loved the places we lived (amazing culture, local people very welcoming, we spoke the language, we loved the food, everything) but it was still hard

What I learned is that it takes a year to settle in, you will need to organise: dentist, go, healthcare, hairdressers, playgroups etc

I learned to drive and that helped.

But, but, but…. The most important thing is that I learned that I needed a support network, I had an emergency with DC2, DH was on an oil rig, I needed someone to look after the other DS immediately. I remember looking at my list of contacts/friends in the new country and calling them one by one, all were busy/out until I hit the last person on my sad little list. She came to the rescue.

Ever since, I put a lot of effort into cultivating new friendships with other mums, wherever I am. I don’t give up on friends easily either. I can’t do this alone . And neither can you, OP.

Whether you go or stay, I’d invest money in learning to drive, and time into meeting people and making new friends.

Good luck

Everything that makes life comfortable for someone from a British background is very expensive because it's set up for people who can pay.

Yes, that - is your DH sure it's such a great offer? This region is verycomfortable to live in, if you are paid well. But if you're saying salary is not great and just 2K more than in the UK, and nothing else like housing provided - doesn't sound like such an amazing deal?

God this is insanity. And the things you are worried about are the trivialities. There are vital well-being issues that seem you seem blind to.

This has got disaster written all over it. Please don't go. Concentrate on the things you mentioned, the nursery for the DC and getting your driver's licence and going back to work.

I used to live in the UAE, and I immediately knew what the OP meant

Yes. So did I. It’s something I’ve read in novels and heard on the TV in the likes of The Jewel in the Crown, Downtown Abbey, The Forsyth Saga and Poroit.

Never once though have I heard it said in this part of the world in the 4 plus decades I’ve lived here.

What are the employment equality laws like out there? If your husband isn't white and discovers that colleagues who are white or the same ethnicity as the ruling classes in the host country are doing the exact same job as him but getting paid far more, or he gets passed over for promotion or all the plum tasks in favour of men who are the "right" ethnicity and has to do all the shitwork instead, what legal recourse would he have?

On another note, you say that he is very fair...but could months and years living in a culture and among colleagues who believe that men are tops and women are...not, could that infect his attitude at all? Especially if family life isn't something he really likes anyway. IIRC, there's a bit in The Handmaid's Tale near the start where the female protagonist suspects that her right-on, leftie type boyfriend actually kind of secretly enjoys being the lord and master of the house with her being financially powerless and her quality of life in his gift. OK you're not moving to Gilead itself.... but think carefully about the effect culture can have on somebody.

As long as your DH isn’t from that country and will definitely return home then I would go. Sure it’s an upheaval but it’s also an adventure. Might even bring you closer together!
Think of that nurse who asked all the people in her care home what they most regretted. Few of them regretted things they DID do. Only things they DIDN’T.

,,The job offer came out of the blue- he had a gazillion interviews and then didn't hear back from them. Then suddenly they called, offered him the job and wanted to move fast and have him over ASAP.,,

Just make sure it is genuine job.
Send him alone first.
Check it is genuine

I’d be more concerned about the fact he’s accepted a job overseas without you both having a clear plan for the family.

This

If he goes and you stay, you will split up. I wouldn’t go either on your shoes. The only way you will stay together is if he doesn’t take the job.

Also sorry just caught up on full thread - @insertrandomusernamehere absolutely do not move there with your race being what it is. You'll bear the double burden of both not earning enough to mix with the Joneses and not being white.

Compared to European countries - racism in Asia and the Middle East is open and the norm....