Should DH move abroad for job alone or should we join him? Dilemma.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old). Both DC are at nursery PT and will be doing longer hours from September when I’d planned to return to work. This job offer has completely thrown me. It means changing our lives entirely- the children having to settle at a new nursery and adjust to a new way of life is panicking me the most. Or, maybe I’m projecting and am worrying about how I’ll cope in an environment/culture that is materialistic/superficial/misogynistic?

My plans for September also included taking driving lessons and becoming a bit more independent with a car for my sake and the DC. Husband is desperate for us to move but I’m not sure what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind, move us all out with him (pack our lives into boxes by the 2nd of July) and see how life works out for us all? Or, should I wait it out and let my husband settle there first, pass probation and get the ‘lay of the land’ before we join him? Or, should I stay put with the DC and we can take turns visiting one another every half term/end of term? The latter would mean less disruption for DC (my absolute priority) since they’ll still have their nursery space and key workers and other children they’re familiar with and would also mean I can focus on myself a bit too- I’m itching to get back to work. I’m scared I won’t cope alone but I won’t know until I try it, will I?

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed. I’m scared, left to my own devices, I might crumble. Massively. Having said that, he’ll be working silly hours in his new job so it’s not as if he’ll be able to help me out there BUT nannies/house help is cheap I’m the ME so I’d be able to buy in help? But, then I’ll worry they’re out of the British system/way of doing things and how that will negatively impact them when we come back? Argh, as you can tell, I’m struggling with all this massively. Can someone shed any light on living abroad with young children? Or even guide me on what I should do next? I’m so, so lost right now.

Apologies for the garbled post. I’ve been trying to sleep for ages but sleep just isn’t coming right now because of my anxiety around this impending move.

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

Yes but he could have custody of the DC without doing anything as domestic help is cheap

I wouldn't move to the middle east. Feminists really not welcome.

Wow, so many responses and so much to think about.

Just to make things VERY clear:

-He wouldn't want the children full time if we split. He'd just want regular access rights which, living in two countries, would mean every holidays, with him coming over or us visiting, etc. He can't do FT parenting.

-He wouldn't prevent me leaving the country with the children. He knows children need stability (which both of us didn't have growing up) and it's better us separated and happy vs together and miserable.

-He did discuss the new job with me and I encouraged him to accept (because I knew he wanted to and because I knew it would mean us becoming debt-free/building up our savings again).

-We are not a white family- we know the ME is incredibly racist towards certain groups of people. People from our background are usually referred to as the 'service class' so there are the pitfalls of that.

-The salary he's been offered is a £2K increase on what his salary would've been in the UK but is tax-free which is the draw for him to go out there. He's agreed to pay for everything here in UK if I stay with the children AND cover his living costs abroad. This would work for us.

My dilemma is whether or not I should go with him. I'm torn between going because the DC adore him (despite our issues, he's a good dad) and he's very hands on when I'm struggling and I do struggle. Some days I don't have the energy to get dressed/feed myself because I'm exhausted and I spent the little energy I have taking care of and managing the DC. I don't want to go because of the reasons mentioned above- putting my career on hold, uprooting the DC, not being able to drive out there (I've looked up taking driving lessons out there and they're roughly £3-£4K for 20 hours of lessons!!!), etc. being bored (I don't see shopping as entertainment sadly and don't want the DC to get into a habit of thinking buying things is the sole reason for existing). The ME is also brand obsessed and we as a family are not- I don't want the DC growing up to think they'll only buy X or wear Y branded things. Basically, the country he'll be moving to doesn't fit my parenting/lifestyle model (I know that sound wankerish- sorry!!!).

OP if you are doing couples counselling ask yourself why he is moving before the counselling has concluded?

It is because he wants the counselling to end and out of your marriage.

Moving abroad won't change the issues you have with each other and the individuals you both are. Due to the difficulties you encounter when you live abroad it will actually shine a spotlight on your relationship as a couple and your individual character flaws.

Again, I urge you, do not go.

I think it's clear you don't want to go from what you have said. I would tell your husband to go alone and review in 6 months.
Meanwhile, focus on your career.

@RedMarauder

OP if you are doing couples counselling ask yourself why he is moving before the counselling has concluded?

It is because he wants the counselling to end and out of your marriage.

Moving abroad won't change the issues you have with each other and the individuals you both are. Due to the difficulties you encounter when you live abroad it will actually shine a spotlight on your relationship as a couple and your individual character flaws.

The job offer came out of the blue- he had a gazillion interviews and then didn't hear back from them. Then suddenly they called, offered him the job and wanted to move fast and have him over ASAP.

We've agreed to carry on the counselling albeit from two different countries to begin with...

My Dad worked out in Saudi Arabia for 3 years from me being 7-10. Mum coped just find with me and my sibling. Dad did it to earn huge sums of money tax free - that was the main and only reason.

He still says now that the middle east is NO place at all to take wives or children. You certainly wouldn't catch me getting on a plane.

I really don't see the point of him going unless it's to earn big bucks - which it doesn't sound like is the case.

There are soo many reasons I think your husband is wrong to suggest this @insertrandomusernamehere .

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old).

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed.

The last thing a lot of people need when they're struggling with their mental health is more stress, more uphaeval, poorer sleep, less support.

Some people might be ok with it but I don't think he's considering your feelings and needs.

Also if one of your LOs seems to have some potential SEN that is one more reason to stay put, where it'll be easier to navigate the system because you understand the language and you have a bit more of an idea of how it works.

If your marriage has been shit then you all moving there is even less of a good idea.

@Womendohavevaginasnick

I think it's clear you don't want to go from what you have said. I would tell your husband to go alone and review in 6 months. Meanwhile, focus on your career.

This is what a few people have said and works best for me I think. Once he's passed probation/decides whether or not he likes the place, we can review then.

@MareofBeasttown just because you don’t know anyone who has been unable to leave a country with their children after a marriage breakdown doesn’t mean it never happens. A family friend had to return from the ME to her home country alone when her ex became violent. She didn’t see her child for several years.

@insertrandomusernamehere you definitely should NOT throw caution to the wind. You have little to gain by going with your DH on 2nd July (!) and an awful lot to lose. Your marriage won’t suddenly become amazing in a new place because any problems will always move with you. I found this out the hard way. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

No I don't think of it like that. You need to be reassured that the lifestyle and culture is accepting and in line with your own. Clearly it is not and even a visit is unlikely to change that. He is not in a position to offer you the security and life you want for your dc there. The job market is volatile and even a year contract could be broken, with foreign workers being sent home at short notice. A distant stressful move will not help your mh and getting help for depression in a foreign country could prove difficult and costly,. Keep your job, stay put, if it turns out better for him than you think great, you can reconsider but in the meantime you and dc are happier where you are. Do you have local support here?

Are you Indian or S Asian? I am. I agree the ME is racist in many ways towards our community. I would also argue that many other countries are racist towards us. The number of times in Hong Kong I have been mistaken for an "amah" and treated as such, because I am not interested in dressing in designer gear.... I have also had a lot of trouble finding jobs despite two degrees, because "white is right" in many expat outposts. Regarding brand obsession, I have lived in many materialistic countries and have managed to raise my kids without that somehow. Neither of them even have iphones and they are young adults. Actually, I think some kids here in the UK seem plenty brand obsessed. I think you can set an example to your kids and that in itself is a red herring. You have other issues.

Perhaps you made a mistake encouraging him to take the job but you can walk it back. Or he can go for a couple of years, you use the extra money to hire help here.

Given the fact your marriage is "shit" there is no way I would move.

Surely by staying put you get the separation and will be happier? You will have the opportunity to focus on yourself and your own MH and wellbeing, and there will be less upheaval for your DC.

You say he wouldn't sop you from leaving with the DC but you really don't know that. It's a risk for anyone, but with an already crumbling marriage there is no way I would take that risk

He’s leaving you.

How will you maintain two homes if you stay, it's not enough of an increase to do that.

Would you plan to move back before the 3 to starts school? When is their birthday you would need to be resident here when you apply. School fees are eye watering in ME.

A word of warning, affairs are rife in most of the ex Pat communities I've been involved with.

To be honest it sounds like a non starter to me.

I would say OP, that even though the job is now temporary, DH might find quick pay rises there after. My father did and again tax free, and because the money is so compelling it becomes hard to move back. For DF, his contract was 2 years and it became nearly 20. For instance, think how much you’d need to be earning in the UK a year to be taking home 40k/50k per year after tax (not DF salary just using as an example) Not saying it will be the case for you, but it’s something to keep in mind.

Racism wise DH is south Asian but could ‘pass’ for Middle Eastern and he has said he’s noticed funny glances and strange looks out there, so unfortunately it is an issue.

I do wish we had gone as a family, even if we hated it but DF benefit package seems to be a bit more robust than your DH

There are women on here every day saying how their husbands have done something they thought they never would so be very very cautious

I wouldn’t move to the Middle East again. I trust my husband but you are literally putting your life in his hands and the law weighs heavily in men’s favour. You will likely also have to cover up or restrict yourself to some extent rather or risk being sexually harassed (I was harassed with a toddler in tow). Do you know he would have rights over the children and could insist they stay even if you want to leave? I was fortunate to have a good husband and we mutually agreed it wasn’t working despite being significantly better for us financially.

It seems like he has applied for this job with no thought for you. I know you say you are fully on board but why? There is limited upside for you. £2k more salary is nothing even if tax free if you factor in additional help you will need and very regular flights back home.

If he was working for a UK or American company with flights back paid, accommodation and school/nursery fees paid, shipping allowance etc it might swing in the favour of moving, cautiously.

Getting a Uk job seems far more sensible particularly as you say his salary won’t even be that good.
I honestly can’t see the upside.

- your marriage is not great at the moment. Being apart will not improve it. Especially in the gulf. In my experience, at least 70% of men who left their families at home will cheat on them.

Well gosh in that case, you should definitely go OP. Because a guy that would definitely cheat on you given half a chance is the kind of guy you want literally in control of you and your children.

I would see it a trial separation and you'll probably feel relieved when he is gone. It all sounds shit anyway.

Men often don't want the children but they do want to control their female partners - children are the means.

Seriously, don't go OP.

Is it 2K a year more or 2K a month more?
Don't see how he is going to afford to have a place out there and keep paying for the place at home on only 2K a year more.
The whole thing is ludicrous.

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

If your marriage is shit now, how are you going to be easily able to return. You could find yourself trapped and unable to separate if you wanted to.

This sounds like everything is being done on his terms and because he wants to on his insistance without much thought to you and the kids.

Is that going to work long term?

I can almost bet, from what you've said so far that yes you are going to get left there to get on with things. He hasn't yet once thought about the implications for the rest of you has he?

DO NOT GO. SERIOUSLY.