How to support a child who comes last

[competitiveconnie]

Hi - please be kind, as I know I'm going to sound like a dick here, but I need some advice on how to support my DS. He's 7 and he's a bright sensitive little boy and he's actually reasonably good a quite a lot of things, but generally falls more on the academic side than the sporty. He is at a small school where his peers are all pretty sporty and the majority of them are the younger sibling in their families and so generally have that competitive side that is common when you have an older sibling (I am a younger sibling!)

So the thing is until recently he's not been all that bothered that he's not as good as his school friends at sports. He just enjoyed playing as he just wasn't all that competitive. He is lucky as he's perfectly well coordinated and reasonable at most things, but hasn't got something he excels at - basically he's probably pretty average at sports if in a big group, but his small pool of friends happen to be above average, so he sits at the bottom quite often.

He has started to be bothered now though and it's effecting his confidence and I am conscious that I need to get this right or he might end up being put off things forever! It's become more of an issue the last couple of months as the majority of his close friends have all got into a club that he's not at a level to join yet, so he feels v left out. He's also feeling low about the fact that he was last in some races they had yesterday and he got teased about it.

Here's where I'll sound like a dick, so apologies, but I just don't know how to deal with this as I was the lucky one when I was younger in that i was one of the older ones in my year and I was fastest etc and was lucky that I had one sport in particular that I excelled at so even if I was crap at something else I had that. He doesn't have that. Not with a non-academic thing. And a 7 year old boy doesn't care that his spelling is better than his friends...
How can I support him?

One thing I find frustrating is that when it comes to things like races, I think if he focused he probably wouldn't be last at all, as he is quite fast when putting his mind to it, but he seems to not to want to try in case he isn't successful, iyswim? I would just like to clarify that I don't care if he's last every time, but he does, so how do I get him to either not care, or to focus that desire so he isn't?
Any advice? Thanks

My boy is the same, now early teens, but the good thing is he really doesn't care. It helps that we aren't a sporty family and an ideal day out for us would be a museum or a science event. Encourage him with what he is good at and build on it. At the moment he is trying to fit in. Once he moves up to senior school he will find his tribe who have similar interests and abilities.

Find him a hobby that plays to his strengths. If he's more on the academic side, what about a science club, computing or something like chess? Or Scouts? Personally I would be trying to steer him away from a focus on competitive sport. The club you mention, even if it gets in it probably won't be great for his self esteem to be at the bottom of the pile. He will benefit from making other friends somewhere that he feels confident.

There's not much you can do about the races except sympathy. He'll learn to come to terms with it in time.

If he is academic, then he must be better at things others aren't? Isn't it better to teach him that everyone has strength and weakness? I'm sure he would understand that if he is academic 7 years old.

If he is fast but always come last because he doesn't put effort in, then he needs to know what he wants, surely?
My dc isn't sporty. Not fastest runner, but on long distance running, he always comes to one of the fastest. It's because he spent so much time doing one sports he has chosen and done the training since he was in reception, putting so much effort. So he knows he isn't fast but he also knows he exceeds others in other aspects.

I was the younger sibling in this dynamic. I think its about finding your identity, at the moment he probably doesn't want to try in case he wins or fails, and later on you do want to have your own identity and to have done well. DB talks about having wanted his Dad to play football with him, so maybe some 1.1 sporting time, and community clubs outside school - martial arts are great for being inclusive - with no pressure, so he doesn't lose out on practising. while also filling up time with other hobbies, so if love of sport is never ignited there are still lots of other things he feels good at.

Thanks for the suggestions. Will have a think about other clubs etc.
@roguetomato - yes, he is better at academic things than his classmates (literacy based in particular) but as with a lot of kids, this isn't what matters to him or his peers sadly. I do try to tell him though exactly what you've said about everyone having their strengths and weaknesses etc. And I totally agree about the needing to know what he wants. That's the frustrating bit. If he would focus some of that disappointment he feels about being last into actually putting his all in to the race on the first place I am 90% sure he wouldn't be last (he def wouldn't be first either!)
I think as @Overdueanamechange says, it's that he desperately wants to fit in, but while his friends all have their sporty thing he need to fit in with, he doesn't have something that they can fit in to. Honestly, you name an after school club, they all already do it. If actually love him to do something that they aren't, but it's virtually impossible. He has started doing some music lessons which he is doing well with, so there's that I guess.
I just wish he had something that he felt was his 'thing'...

he was last in some races they had yesterday and he got teased about it

This I would take up with the school, it's really not on to tease the person who is coming last.

Your DS sounds exactly like my DS1. We have been trying to keep him active by doing stuff like swimming, cycling, rock climbing etc that don't involve a team. We also took it up with the school - if a 7 year old wasn't good at maths or reading they would be given extra help and support as it's too early to write them off but in sport it seems that so early they write kids off as "not sporty" and only the "sporty" kids are focused on by PE teachers and coaches. We actually ended up moving him to another school at the end of Year 1 because we could see the direction of travel, he was already getting left out because he was no good at football and not going to the saturday football training at our local football club. Some of the kids had been training multiple hours a weekend since they were 4!!!

Not everyone needs to be sporty. I get it - at that age that's the default "thing" but it's not the only thing. And if he's not competitive by nature, it's not going to be his thing.

I'd try to get him into some other activities. Music or theatre/drama maybe. He'll make new friends that he does "fit" with when he finds something else he enjoys

Also to add - he's actually not that far behind with the club thing - he just didn't start on the 'pathway' as early if that makes sense, so hasn't made his way through the levels you have to to join... if that makes sense? (You don't get to try out for the team until you are a certain level).
I think the main worry I have is that he potentially COULD be reasonably sporty - he has a decent eye for a ball, he can run fast when he puts his mind to it, he has a reasonably strategic mind etc, I just think he's still so little that he's just not ready for a lot of things yet. He's v slight (his dad was too when little). I just don't want him to decide 'I'm just not sporty' and so give up on stuff when he's actually only 7 and when he's 14 and grown a bit he might well find he's brilliant at some sport, who knows? But he will never know if he gets it in his head that he's rubbish and sport is just not his thing..?
I just keep thinking that when I was 7 I didn't play any formal sport at all, just played out etc. and I wonder if I'd have been crap at and put off the sports I ended up being good at if I'd played them then? I don't know if that makes sense! I don't want him to write himself off yet... and I still want him to be active. He does a martial art, and does enjoy that, but again his school friend started it a year before him and is further thought the levels. (This hasn't bothered him as much, but worried it will if he keeps thinking like this)...

Try horse riding , great for self esteem and confidence building as ponies / horses make great listeners . Aside from that I think it’s a case of just explaining that you can’t be brilliant at everything .

@Xiaoxiong - yes, that's it - I don't want him written off yet! Exactly.
I am sorry you've had this problem too, but relieved that it's not just me that's considered moving school because of it. I feel that sounds drastic, but I am starting to worry its having a massive effect on his confidence as I do think his main school friends are unusually good at sports..so he's getting a skewed idea of how good other people are? If he was in a bigger school I'm confident he'd sit somewhere in the middle sporting-wise which he'd be fine with. It's the fact there isn't a sport he's not seen as the worst at that's getting him down. (And I mean seen as, as I do think that there's v little in it with some)

@Floralnomad - sadly we are all allergic to horses or it might have been an idea!

My DD was academic and definitely not sporty but she loved taking part, during holidays I signed her up for courses in tennis then badminton, which she loved. At the end of the courses the coaches always gave positive feedback, as I was told she will never be good but she is one of life’s triers.
Into adulthood she still played badminton not because she was good! but because she enjoyed it.

.

Youth theatre is the salvation of many a non sporty child.

when he's 14 and grown a bit he might well find he's brilliant at some sport, who knows? But he will never know if he gets it in his head that he's rubbish and sport is just not his thing..?
You don't want either extreme! You just want someone who can hold his own in a kick-around situation.
It sounds as if academics and music come easily to him. This is nice when little but it can mean that they don't learn that practise=improvement. You need to teach him (gently, age-appropriately) to apply himself, both when he is naturally good and also when he is naturally rubbish. There's no point complaining after he has lost the race, he should have been training beforehand.

Does he go to any clubs? Get him into a football team or something to give him a chance to develop skills. He won't just be as good at sports without any training as kids his age who are getting training.

I hope that he ends up like your daughter @Herbie0987 and still plays things when he's older 🤞 that's my worry that too much negativity will mean he won't, and I hate the idea he will miss that if he gets put off now.
@senua - I think you are spot on, he needs to learn that practice = improvement - the music lessons have been helping with this as he is def improving well and therefore he's keen to practice. It's the practicing something he's not so good at that is tricky.. any tips?

@JewelGarden - yes he does, the problem is that other kids got there first, so he's always starting behind them. I'm hopeful that with some of the clubs he does that won't always be the case IF he keeps going. I wish there was a club that his school friends didn't already go to, but I've yet to find one...

It's my fault as he has 2 younger siblings and they meant I didn't get him into lots of clubs when he started school etc when they were born as I had my hands full (and if I'm honest, I hadn't realised that kids so little were doing SO many things so often) and I struggled to cope for a bit with a bit of PND so I feel I've let him down a bit tbh.

"Everyone is good at different things" and focus on praise for effort.

I sympathise with you but Im afraid I dont have any solution. My boys are similar. I agree with not wanting him to quit as i see with my older boy he finally seems to have come into himself at 15 in the one sport he didnt quit.
It is hard watching their self esteem taking a beating. I was very similar as a child and actually to this day i have strange feelings towards sports and feel its impact on confidence etc the less well able is underestimated.
I know those saying well he is academic so focus on that mean well and i even do it myself but its of limited use. I grew up being told i was good at maths which is true but definitely not as cool, fun or desirable as being the sports star! I liked and was proud of my mathematical ability but it didnt help when i was feeling crap on on the sidelines in a match.
Sadly music/sports star has way more staus than mathematician or good reader

My academic, non sporty son was great at drama and public speaking. Has your son tried that?

But also agree that by secondary, he had a super bunch of friends who play chess and cards, go to science clubs, debate politics with etc.

Could you take him (and potentially a couple of friends) out and do some partner sports, like tennis or badminton? Less pressure from the classmates and you then have the opportunity to give him lots of praise and encouragement.

My son is like this and I figured out quite early on in primary school that he was pretty happy being last in PE as long as he had really really fetching sports kit to wear. So now I get him really elegant great and fancy trainers and he goes in feeling like the cats pyjamas. I mean it doesn't solve everything obviously, but it does seem to really really help. Good luck there.

Oh - also one time the school teachers engineered things on sports day so my DS came first in a race, and they stuck a big "1st" sticker on his t-shirt. We framed the t-shirt with the sticker still on, and have it on a wall in our front hall, and that really helped.

Drumming?

My non-sporty youngest son started one on one drumming lessons around the same age and it's been great for him.. It's still a masculine/cool thing to do in the eyes of his peers, adults are impressed by it, he's got a nice relationship with his teacher where they chat about all sorts, and it's really helped him with other instruments

It's a good age to have the talk about trying your hardest, not everyone can be good at everything, someone has to come last etc etc.. And I would be talking to his teachers about being teased for coming last

Praise effort rather than achievement.
Praise improvement against himself rather than other people, explicitly link the improvement to the effort.

If he doesn't get the message, you may find yourself back her in 7 years saying 'my bright but lazy DS ...'

Honestly, you name an after school club, they all already do it. If actually love him to do something that they aren't, but it's virtually impossible. He has started doing some music lessons which he is doing well with, so there's that I guess.
I just wish he had something that he felt was his 'thing'...

I think you need to think outside the box a bit here. There are literally hundreds of sports in existence - his classmates can’t all go to all of them. You may need to travel a bit but there will be options.

Off the top of my head:-
Badminton
Climbing
Cycling
Triathlon
Diving
Trampolining
Open water swimming
Athletics (which is made up of so many sports - could he throw a javelin or do well at high jump?)