How to support a child who comes last

[competitiveconnie]

Hi - please be kind, as I know I'm going to sound like a dick here, but I need some advice on how to support my DS. He's 7 and he's a bright sensitive little boy and he's actually reasonably good a quite a lot of things, but generally falls more on the academic side than the sporty. He is at a small school where his peers are all pretty sporty and the majority of them are the younger sibling in their families and so generally have that competitive side that is common when you have an older sibling (I am a younger sibling!)

So the thing is until recently he's not been all that bothered that he's not as good as his school friends at sports. He just enjoyed playing as he just wasn't all that competitive. He is lucky as he's perfectly well coordinated and reasonable at most things, but hasn't got something he excels at - basically he's probably pretty average at sports if in a big group, but his small pool of friends happen to be above average, so he sits at the bottom quite often.

He has started to be bothered now though and it's effecting his confidence and I am conscious that I need to get this right or he might end up being put off things forever! It's become more of an issue the last couple of months as the majority of his close friends have all got into a club that he's not at a level to join yet, so he feels v left out. He's also feeling low about the fact that he was last in some races they had yesterday and he got teased about it.

Here's where I'll sound like a dick, so apologies, but I just don't know how to deal with this as I was the lucky one when I was younger in that i was one of the older ones in my year and I was fastest etc and was lucky that I had one sport in particular that I excelled at so even if I was crap at something else I had that. He doesn't have that. Not with a non-academic thing. And a 7 year old boy doesn't care that his spelling is better than his friends...
How can I support him?

One thing I find frustrating is that when it comes to things like races, I think if he focused he probably wouldn't be last at all, as he is quite fast when putting his mind to it, but he seems to not to want to try in case he isn't successful, iyswim? I would just like to clarify that I don't care if he's last every time, but he does, so how do I get him to either not care, or to focus that desire so he isn't?
Any advice? Thanks

@CoffeeandCakeEqualsLove - that's ok - it's not goady, it's fair enough. it's because it is what he is hung up on, and he wishes he was good at... and the kids at his school are all talking about. It probably doesn't help that both me and his dad were sporty when younger, and he knows about this (I'm significantly less so now as I have no time, but I'd love to get back to it in a year or so when the baby is older).
Also, as @Bryonyshcmyony says - I do feel that he needs to keep active and sports are the best way to do that especially at the moment when I don't have a lot of opportunity to do lots of active things with him due to baby/toddler.
@hilariousnamehere - his dad was quite into sailing (again, not so much at the moment - what with babies and work and covid neither of us have had much time for anything other than surviving!) so think when he turns 8 I might sign him up to a club as it's not that far to the coast here. (8 is the minimum age - at least no one his age will have been doing it for years then!) he's been reading swallows and Amazons so think he'd quite like that!

I’m always saying this but climbing is an excellent sport for kids who are a bit sporty but not hugely competitive and want to socialise a bit without being in (or dropped from) a team. Ds1 got into it on the back of someone else’s birthday party when he was about 7 and joined a Saturday morning kids climbing club. He joined a different club as a teenager and they go off all over the place climbing at weekends. It’s one of those sports with toddlers and pensioners all in it together and it’s mixed sex and mixed ability.

But is he hung up on it because that's what his current friends do and he knows you and his dad were sporty?

I'd continue encouraging him to play sports with his friends and focus on praise for effort. But also give him exposure to other activities - theatre, music, public speaking, dance, chess, robotics, coding

@ohnonotyetplease - thank you for your suggestion & sorry your mum didn't say the right thing - I want to try to make sure that's not me! X

By exercise I don't mean 10 minutes in the playground!

And no ones suggested that @Bryonyshcmyony

The OP wants ideas to help her ds learn to enjoy sport and exercise. If he was terrible at coding, but really wanted to improve, would you suggest he goes to a rugby or cricket club?

Just praise his effort and explain that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. 2 of my DC are academic but not very sporty, 1 isn’t very academic but is super athletic so I have to try and support all for their efforts with things they aren’t great and and praise for things they excel at.

Definitely support the idea of sports / activities outside of school.

I was always last in races and always 'picked' last in team sports.

I became a national junior champion in one sport and played for my club in another. Sports we never did at school.

@Bryonyshcmyony

The OP wants ideas to help her ds learn to enjoy sport and exercise. If he was terrible at coding, but really wanted to improve, would you suggest he goes to a rugby or cricket club?

And I'm suggesting that it's perhaps not healthy to be so focused on him needing to play a sport and risk making him feel worse that he's "not good at it". It's unnecessary pressure on a 7yo trying to fit in with his friends and live up to his parents very-sporty backgrounds.

He can still play sports with his friends for fun. And expand his options to other hobbies he may excel at more.

If you can find a club for it near you then I recommend fencing (the sport rather than the building of fences). It’s fun, not many kids do it and if you use the sabre you get to bash people on the head with it. What’s not to like?

I see he does a martial art already but could he switch to a different one? Three of us do Taekwondo in our household and my non-sport 8 year old manages just fine.

My DS (now 16 eeep!) was not a sporty child at all.
He felt the non sportiness very keenly and was always desperate to prove his worth. I still remember with horror the sports day at nursery where he reached the finish last but then just kept on running with a pregnant me in hot pursuit...... He wanted to prove he could run.

I also remember with huge pride the year he insisted on entering the 800m, got lapped twice, refused to stop and finished to a standing ovation from all parents and an honour guard from his classmates.

It took a long time but eventually he found karate. We found a group run by an incredible sensei who oozed inclusivity ( DS is Autistic) and played to each child's strengths. He was with her from age about 9 until covid struck and was almost at black belt level. He ended up 'teaching' a group of younger children.

He also adored swimming and trampolining and is a passable runner over distance - he wasn't built for speed. (Much like his mother)

DS hated team sports with a passion because he wasn't ever good enough but he loves a Parkrun and will come running with me when I am trying to get my arse into gear. He understands the joy of doing a sport because it feels good.

(And being teased about coming last is shit. I was generally last in most things. I have reframed it as seeing everyone else safely over the line......)

@CoffeeandCakeEqualsLove - I have at no time pressured him, in fact I have told him that I didn't even start playing most sports until I was much older than him, so I think he's doing brilliantly. I just don't want him to be miserable doing things he wants to do and wants to be good at as his friends do them. I don't know how to deal with it when someone I love wants to be good at something but might not be able to be, but also, i do feel that he is better then he thinks he's just still so young and he's comparing himself against people I wish he didn't have to... As someone said before, he just wants to fit in.

I'm worried about it being outing, but there's a sport he does that he has until recently LOVED and has done for a while, but he didn't start off being in the classes that lead to the team, he is on those classes now, but as he started later than his classmates he isn't in the local team and the majority of them are. It is sadly making him feel shit about something he's always loved. I have told him that it's still the same sport and he still is good at it and he can still enjoy it, even without being in the team, but this coupled with the races thing has clearly just reached a breaking point for him where he's feeling left out and as his school is small he doesn't have much choice when it comes to who he can hang out with, so he can't get away from being the one left out as it's what his friends are all talking about.

I absolutely second all the PPs who have suggested Junior Parkrun - it is great as it gives you your time via a chip so he can compete with himself to see how his time improves with experience and you get free stuff after a certain number of attendances so it rewards persistnece over speed etc. There are usually a number of jobs that children can do - eg you could sign up to be tail runner and he can deliberately run slowly with you to encourage littlies etc

If he can run further then he could do the main event - DD did loads of 5ks with me at that age - and loved all the attention she got from marshalls when she ran alongside me. If you think that is a bit much you could try doing the Jeff Galloway run walk run method with him (Jeff was a US Olympian so a great role model).

If he could sail at 8 then I'd focus on swimming etc for now as that is always going to be useful - perhaps even a junior lifeguarding class if there is one near you so the focus is on water safety rather than speed?

However, the fundamental lesson to teach him is that we would be a very boring species if we were all good at the same things and that what is easy for one is harder for others.

I have two sporty boys who like to hang round with other sporty boys so I understand the problems it can create. The younger one picked things up quickly, particularly more technical sports, so was playing two county sports at age 8. My older son loved sport but wasn't nearly as quick to pick it up. He made the "first" team at our local football club (on attendance rather than ability!) but was moved to the second team when proper matches started. Initially he was disappointed as all his school friends played in the first team and he felt left out. But actually it was a better standard for him and nice to make different friends.

Football became quite an issue at primary school as the boys didn't allow some of the others to join in with playtime football (one parent was particularly incandescent when his son was allowed to pretend to be the cameraman on the sideline...). As you say, sports can determine the social pecking order in young kids but they do grow out of this phase.

In a tortoise and hare scenario, my older son has also now played two county sports and, due to being very conscientious about practicing and fitness, is doing better than my younger son. Equally, his sporty friends in primary school are not the best at sport in their teenage years. So my advice would be to encourage him to keep going with whatever sports he enjoys without worrying too much about being in a particular team, discourage comparisons with his sporty friends (the same way their parents probably say the same about your son academically) and it will sort itself out over time.

Bloody school sports! God, it makes me so cross. An unnecessary turn-off to school. Poor little chap - I was him!

Praise effort indeed! The only way forward.

Find him a sport that he can be good at. My son is disabled and always came last in the running race.

He feels like he's good at Judo and swimming and doesn't do that with any kids from school. I big them up! He THINKS he's really good at Judo and swimming, even though he's probably average.

Oh god! Tell him not to worry about not being in the team yet! Tell him to KBO with it if he loves it and eventually he'll get there!
My dd was one of the best in the country at a Sport when she was 8, 9. By the age of 12 she lost interest and all those who weren't as good gradually overtook her, as they really enjoyed it and she got sick of feeling she had to be the best (she does something else now and is really good at that but nowhere near even county level!)

I used to remind mine that as an adult I was required to run practically never, but had to read, write and do sums every day so wasn't it better they were good at that instead?

Of course I wouldn't have said that if they had been sporty and unacademic.

I have to say that being unacademic is worse. When they get test results back and compare scores, the ones who are disappointed with their mark ask the weakest in the class what they got, just to make themselves feel better. You can see what they are thinking: "never mind, X will have done worse than me." It's heartbreaking.

Ok so it’s as much about being left out socially due to this one club they are all at?

In which case- can you up the playdates? Take two of them out for pizza or something? If your DS and friend have had fun together on a playdate they have a bond to rival the sports club bond.

Separately - plead with the sports club - explain all his friends are in and you would have signed up earlier but had small babies etc. Ask if he can join try outs early to join all his friends. They may say no but no harm in asking.

Do school do anything to big up the non sporting abilities? My DD is 8, academic, useless at sport (she has a disability) but just recently was picked to compete in a couple of national quizzes against other schools. This kind of thing really helps as it means it’s not just me telling her “ah but you’re great at x y z” there is external validation. They also do art prizes, kindness badge, manners award etc.

And finally - I agree with a PP that this is a phase, you’ve probably hit peak “sport importance” age, it will go down again.

You need a niche sport in which it is advantageous to be brainy- and sailing is perfect for that! The writing was on the wall in terms of mainstream sports very early for my DS. However, he started sailing when he was 6 and now at 10 he is in a regional and a national junior squad. It's a total saving grace for his self-esteem at his sports-orientated prep school.

There are definitely places he could start to learn earlier that 8. Can you reach an Andrew Simpson Centre? They are at Weymouth, Portsmouth, Reading and Birmingham. They do courses from 5yo and any age can go to Saturday sailing club.

7 is still very little. I feel a bit sorry for all the other kids in his class- sounds like they don't get much time to just 'be'. I'm a big believer in them finding their groove eventually with something, but please don't feel you have to bomb around all over the place trying to find 'it'. This will become incredibly difficult to maintain if you have 3 kids as well and you'll spend all your time ferrying them to various classes. Do you think all the trying new stuff might be stressing him out a bit and making it seem a bigger deal?

I don't really have any advice on how to make him feel better about it, but DD7 is not at all coordinated (has hypermobility) and finds loads of sports really hard (although she's a decent runner). She still can't ride her bike. Her dad is very sporty, I'm pretty sporty and her younger sister seems to have inherited her dad's sports talent. She doesn't seem to care much (also has asd) but we just concentrate on keeping active- she rides, used to parkrun with me pre covid, we go swimming a lot, and to a casual trampoline session. Just keep it all really relaxed. In a year or 2 interests will diversify, and it will all seem less important.

Just to add, if you would like him to have a crack at junior sailing I would look to get him through his RYA Stage 1-4 ASAP, even if you have to travel to courses. As he's slight he'd likely be in the Optimist class and there are 8/9yos already at Nationals etc. Don't wait because your average sailing club says they have to be 8.

Do you and his dad play lots of football with him in the garden/ Park as that can give him more confidence and extra skills in practicing tackling/ blocking goals etc. Also watching football or whatever the sport is so he has the lingo/ knows the teams and players. I find with the boys l teach all these things make a difference. Even teaching him..for fun..how to start a race properly all adds up.

Thank you for all the suggestions, I'll take them all on board. I agree @101spacehoppers - I do feel they are still so young it feels to me that there is so much pressure to do so many things these days that they don't have much time for just playing... and I don't want that for my DS.
I think more play dates would be good, now we are allowed again. Will try to arrange (but it's tricky with all the after school stuff of course!)
@KibeththeWalker while I'm keen for him to have a go at sailing, I think that's a good suggestion, it's not about getting to county level etc, I just want him to have something active he enjoys and feels he is good at. I am up north, but even if I was closer I don't think I want to start travelling huge distances to get him in a sailing club sooner, or pressure whom to do courses unless he wants to, as it just won't be sustainable with his younger siblings - or is that where I am going wrong?