How to support a child who comes last

[competitiveconnie]

Hi - please be kind, as I know I'm going to sound like a dick here, but I need some advice on how to support my DS. He's 7 and he's a bright sensitive little boy and he's actually reasonably good a quite a lot of things, but generally falls more on the academic side than the sporty. He is at a small school where his peers are all pretty sporty and the majority of them are the younger sibling in their families and so generally have that competitive side that is common when you have an older sibling (I am a younger sibling!)

So the thing is until recently he's not been all that bothered that he's not as good as his school friends at sports. He just enjoyed playing as he just wasn't all that competitive. He is lucky as he's perfectly well coordinated and reasonable at most things, but hasn't got something he excels at - basically he's probably pretty average at sports if in a big group, but his small pool of friends happen to be above average, so he sits at the bottom quite often.

He has started to be bothered now though and it's effecting his confidence and I am conscious that I need to get this right or he might end up being put off things forever! It's become more of an issue the last couple of months as the majority of his close friends have all got into a club that he's not at a level to join yet, so he feels v left out. He's also feeling low about the fact that he was last in some races they had yesterday and he got teased about it.

Here's where I'll sound like a dick, so apologies, but I just don't know how to deal with this as I was the lucky one when I was younger in that i was one of the older ones in my year and I was fastest etc and was lucky that I had one sport in particular that I excelled at so even if I was crap at something else I had that. He doesn't have that. Not with a non-academic thing. And a 7 year old boy doesn't care that his spelling is better than his friends...
How can I support him?

One thing I find frustrating is that when it comes to things like races, I think if he focused he probably wouldn't be last at all, as he is quite fast when putting his mind to it, but he seems to not to want to try in case he isn't successful, iyswim? I would just like to clarify that I don't care if he's last every time, but he does, so how do I get him to either not care, or to focus that desire so he isn't?
Any advice? Thanks

@junebirthdaygirl watching more sport is actually a good point, he doesn't yet - he doesn't actually watch much tv at all (he loves films though) so he does miss that aspect of sports... it's def worth thinking about!

Swimming? Active but doesn't require especial skills and lessons are fun and non competitive?
My DS was similar at 7...couldn't catch a ball or kick a football. Trying cricket was a total failure, he just wasn't ready. But now at 9 he has had a go at tennis holiday club (enjoyed it despite not being much good!), has done some rugby group sessions and kinda enjoyed that. He is not and never will be part of the footy crowd (boys tend to divide into footy mad or not). I'm happy that he gives things a go. But really the only thing he feels a bit of pride/confidence in is swimming. I think 7 is hard as they are still small...keep him trying new stuff under no pressure and he will find some things he enjoys (even if he's distinctly average at them like my DS!)

@Twattergy you'd think that about swimming wouldn't you? I certainly did until recently! Active, fun, non-competitive... etc. Where could it go wrong?! He loved swimming, brilliant.
I worry this will be hugely outing to anyone who knows me, but it's not football as others thought, but swimming that's the club he isn't in

I thought it was swimming. Swimming is the most annoying sport as it suddenly stops being fun and the top groups are expected to train five times a week.

I have a DC that on land is not a natural, but put him on any water based sport and he's in his element. At 7 he was sidelined by the alpha boy footballers, but non-school sport was the game-changer. Scouts has led to DofE. Suddenly, an academic has found his groove.

or is that where I am going wrong?

Well, honestly, in terms of your DS feeling like he is good at sport, probably yes. Junior sport is competitive and packed with parents going the extra mile to gain their child an advantage. You've already said you caused the swimming situation by putting him on the pathway too late.

Of course, it doesn't matter if you don't want that lifestyle for him. There is no reason on the earth that any small child needs to be involved in competitive sport. Just let him have a nice, relaxed childhood. But then he will need to learn to live with the kids who are getting good at things.

You can't say 'I want him to have something he's good at' and 'but I don't want to do any work towards that' in the same breath, unfortunately.

and... you know the swimming club leads to many many hours of training and travel to galas at the weekend? Would you be prepared to do that if he did make it into swim team? My DS was on 8hrs/week at 8yo. We've given it up for sailing now though.

I think at that age a lot comes down to practice. I have two sporty DC but my eldest (age 8) really took off with things when she started doing a lot more out of school. Her swimming went from okay to amazing when I started taking her more often - she swims three times a week now, does drills and lengths (not just messing around swimming), has a semi-private lesson (shared with one other) and is now very good and considerably better than her peers. It was and is a hassle for me (both me and DH work full time) but something she wanted to do so I wanted to give her the opportunity.

My younger DC enjoys running so joined an external to school running club. Running two times a week in formal sessions he is excelling and loves it.

They also do some other sports together and each other’s sports to a lesser extent. To be honest it’s a pain to fit in and costly but as long as they are enthusiastic and want to do it I’ll take them and fund it. I do see it giving them confidence, but it’s only through practice, repetition and external coaching that they’ve excelled. I do find it slightly annoying when other parents say oh your DC are so lucky to be good at sport because actually it’s not luck, they both really work at it and show commitment despite being young.

@KibeththeWalker maybe things have changed hugely since I was younger but I was v sporty as a child/teenager and while my parents drove me to places to facilitate those sports they certainly didn't travel miles across the country to do so. (When I was 13-15ish I played county level for a couple of sports, but not when I was just 7)

If we literally had no opportunities in our area to do things then I'd probably consider moving to a different area before driving hundreds of miles every week as while I want him to have a 'thing', he's 7 and needs time to play and see his siblings, who he loves. So if we have a sailing club near us, then I'll use that for now rather than go miles now to get him started a few months sooner.... but you are basically saying that's me letting him down?

I don't actually think that having a 'thing' means 'trying to be national champion'. I do want him to have a nice relaxed childhood, but I also don't want him to feel left out snd like he's shit.. I was hoping that there was an in between... your post depresses me tbh.

No, I'm obviously not saying you have to do that! Just that other parents will. Swimming involves miles of travel and hours and hours of time too, as would most other sports at a decent level.

However, I think I have misinterpreted what you mean by 'good'. I thought you meant 'able to compete well against others' but I think maybe you mean 'competent enough to enjoy at hobby level'. Which is healthy and a good aim.

No kids I know who excelled at 8 are still doing high level sport. Not a one. Some did it at 8, didn't excel, but worked hard and now at 17 are doing super well. None of the superstars (my dd included) have kept up the intensity. I think it is extremely extremely rare to do so.

Particularly as those who excel at 8 usually have lots of natural ability which becomes totally secondary to dedication and a love of the sport.

Your child is 7 years old. Pre-pubescent boys have a massive range of heights and build, so any success or failure he has where speed and strength count is temporary. You are a little too concerned about him coming last.

It's good to be always last, you either:
a. Decide that you hate being last and train in secret and work really hard to move up the rankings
b. Learn the resilience, patience and acceptance that last position beings

The choice belongs to your son. Stop being so anxious about it. Are you embarrassed by his lack of prowess? Is he actually that upset by being last? If he performs at club level in a sport, you can be sure that he will be better than 90% of our couch potato young people, so you should remind him of that and be impressed by his tenacity, which is a very under-rated and rare characteristic of young people

@CinnamonJellyBeans

Your child is 7 years old. Pre-pubescent boys have a massive range of heights and build, so any success or failure he has where speed and strength count is temporary. You are a little too concerned about him coming last.

It's good to be always last, you either:
a. Decide that you hate being last and train in secret and work really hard to move up the rankings
b. Learn the resilience, patience and acceptance that last position beings

The choice belongs to your son. Stop being so anxious about it. Are you embarrassed by his lack of prowess? Is he actually that upset by being last? If he performs at club level in a sport, you can be sure that he will be better than 90% of our couch potato young people, so you should remind him of that and be impressed by his tenacity, which is a very under-rated and rare characteristic of young people

Yes I agree with this post

@CinnamonJellyBeans I am not the least bit embarrassed by him, I am v proud. He is kind, funny, smart, loving and thoughtful and he knows I am super proud of him.
He is upset at the current situation, therefore I feel sad for him & want to know how to make him feel better. If he came last at everything but was fine with that, I'd be fine with that too if he had tried his best.
That aside, I totally agree with your first point that he's only little and things change - but that doesn't help him now much, does it?

My daughter is very much the same, academic and not sporty. She had some mobility issues as a baby, so was late to walk, just by a few months, and is a bit clumsy. At infant school she was last at everything. Tried though, and kept smiling, so the headteacher gave her the Spirit of Sports Day certificate. She embodied what it means to have fun being active, whether it's your field of excellence or not. I would hope the school are finding ways to praise effort, and reward for other areas not just sports.

It might also be worth having a chat with him about whether he wants to be content being last, and excel in other areas, or whether he wants to really give it a go and see what happens. There is no shame in failing, either way. You'll be proud and he will have the control of having decided what he wants.

What will help him now is being brisk and telling him he is only little, things change and if he wants to be good at a sport he has to stick at it and to stick at it he has to enjoy it. Then leave him to work it out.

Based on what you’ve said, I don’t think finding a more niche sport that can be his “thing” is necessarily going to help much. He still won’t be in the swim club like his friends, unless you can wangle early entry.

Maybe you need to explain to him what you’ve said to Kibeth - that those who devote huge amounts of time to sport (especially to one particular sport) are missing out in many other ways and that it’s really good to be more rounded.

To back this up, I would suggest (again!) playdates with the swim club kids if they ever have time, or with new friends if not… A different non school activity might be a good way of meeting new friends if these ones are all going to be fully occupied with their sport all week and if there aren’t other friend contenders at school. Or fun activities with siblings that his swim mates don’t have time for ?

You can enjoy swimming with him in a fun way.
Just be breezy
Tell him "oh I didn't find a activity I like till I was 21 I tried lots of different things. What would you like to try?
Some kids try many things .dd has a cupboard full of different sports attire (££ ugh) but in late terns found activity she liked

Drama is good builds confidence if they operate again

Had ... in late teens...

Do you have Beavers/Cubs neàrby? It's been the biggest confidence booster for my DD. She's shy, quiet, unsporty (in traditional sports, her skiing ability doesn't exactly get noticed at school!) And dyslexic, so no academic kudos either. She's tried so much stuff, and is willing to give stuff a go.

She now does watersports and cricket as well as skiing (as does her younger sister, they are 8&10).

As for swimming, there are 7yos in Stage 1/2. Mine can't get lessons at the moment (they were stage 4&5 pre Covid, age 6&8). Your son is in no way behind.

Thanks @minipie - I think you may be right. Will have a think and see what can do about playdates.

@HereForTheCakes yes, think I need to have a chat to him about it and see what he says. His music practice is definitely helping him realise that practice pays off as he's improving well as he enjoys it and so practices, so will probably use that as an example...

@KibeththeWalker it's semantics but to me in many way both of those are the same - able to compete and enjoy at hobby level often go hand in hand as a kid as if you really can't compete with others then it starts to be less enjoyable, no? I think however there is a big area between competing at county level and being 'able to compete' generally. For example in N Yorks a county football team might have maybe up to about 30-40 players they select from - but there will be literally thousands of kids playing football, and being v good at it, but they aren't in that little group...

@Aroundtheworldin80moves yes, I tried to get him into beavers/Cubs - waiting list is huge at the mo, but will chase them up as I agree they would be great for him.
Re the swimming, I think that's what's hard, I tell him that he's doing really well (as he is!) but as his school peers are all doing better I think he doesn't quite believe it. It feels a bit drastic but it is why I've briefly thought about moving him to a much bigger school so he can sit squarely in the middle (and he'd possibly even be better than average) and see that he's doing perfectly well. He's quite an anxious little thing, but others might not realise.

Cricket. Cricket is your answer. My non sporty son sounds v similar to yours and is absolutely loving his third season playing (now u11). We felt he needed to try one outdoor activity and a team sport, we aren't pushing him to 'be sporty', just do one thing outside school.

I've also just done a coaching course and there's a v strong ethos of everyone just has a go and enjoys it. There are no players of the match, no weekly certificates, everyone just plays and enjoys it. Plus with all the different positions there is something for everyone. We've a star wicket keeper who is a girl - she can't really bat but she stops every last ball. And last night one of our very new u11s was lent to the opposition as they didn't have enough players. He's not much experience and his bowling action is.... unorthodox. But he bowled out our star player! It was amazing! He's got so much confidence from playing and there is no "right" way as long as it works. Honestly he looks like he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn but his accuracy is amazing.

Try looking up your local Dynamo or All Stars (5-8yo) and give it a go

Sorry typing fast as my phone battery is going!

My DDs did go to a small school for a while... Every child in the area went there. And to all the same clubs. It was actually quite claustrophobic. The school was brilliant. Their friends were lovely. But there was no escape if things weren't quite right. So I understand your thoughts!