How to support a child who comes last

[competitiveconnie]

Hi - please be kind, as I know I'm going to sound like a dick here, but I need some advice on how to support my DS. He's 7 and he's a bright sensitive little boy and he's actually reasonably good a quite a lot of things, but generally falls more on the academic side than the sporty. He is at a small school where his peers are all pretty sporty and the majority of them are the younger sibling in their families and so generally have that competitive side that is common when you have an older sibling (I am a younger sibling!)

So the thing is until recently he's not been all that bothered that he's not as good as his school friends at sports. He just enjoyed playing as he just wasn't all that competitive. He is lucky as he's perfectly well coordinated and reasonable at most things, but hasn't got something he excels at - basically he's probably pretty average at sports if in a big group, but his small pool of friends happen to be above average, so he sits at the bottom quite often.

He has started to be bothered now though and it's effecting his confidence and I am conscious that I need to get this right or he might end up being put off things forever! It's become more of an issue the last couple of months as the majority of his close friends have all got into a club that he's not at a level to join yet, so he feels v left out. He's also feeling low about the fact that he was last in some races they had yesterday and he got teased about it.

Here's where I'll sound like a dick, so apologies, but I just don't know how to deal with this as I was the lucky one when I was younger in that i was one of the older ones in my year and I was fastest etc and was lucky that I had one sport in particular that I excelled at so even if I was crap at something else I had that. He doesn't have that. Not with a non-academic thing. And a 7 year old boy doesn't care that his spelling is better than his friends...
How can I support him?

One thing I find frustrating is that when it comes to things like races, I think if he focused he probably wouldn't be last at all, as he is quite fast when putting his mind to it, but he seems to not to want to try in case he isn't successful, iyswim? I would just like to clarify that I don't care if he's last every time, but he does, so how do I get him to either not care, or to focus that desire so he isn't?
Any advice? Thanks

@Stompythedinosaur

"Everyone is good at different things" and focus on praise for effort.

Agree with this. Hard to get the fine line between helping where it’s needed and a healthy, “suck it up buttercup” resilience - especially if, as you say, it’s partly his lack of effort.

Read “You Are Awesome” with him, he’s about the right age for it. Emphasis on mindset, growth, and being good at things coming from effort.

We're not particularly sporty and all I've ever wanted for my kids was for them to be engaged with sport and find some physical activity they enjoyed doing. It's tough when they are around others for whom it means a lot.

DS in particular really didn't get team games, and running laps as a consequence of not having kit / whatever else, suited him very well!! I recall watching him on sports day when he was old enough to enter longer races, and he looked incredibly ungainly for the first lap but by the end looked like he could have kept going for ever. Usually a long way behind by that point though! He grew early, and in yr 7 and 8 actually enjoyed rugby a little - because he discovered that if he got the ball he could just barge through and noone could stop him. His teacher once used him to demonstrate how two smaller boys could take him down one leg each. At 13 he went to a school where almost no team games are compulsory, and now either runs or plays casual tennis.

Music, drama, chess are all excellent routes to finding a less-sporty child something that can be "their thing". Music and drama in particular can allow them to experience teamwork in a non-competitive manner which is so much more satisfying!

Another thing I remember from watching my children and their classmates through primary ages, is that early skill levels don't maintain the same "pecking order" as they get a little older. The outstanding athlete in one child's year didn't emerge as such until they were 9 or 10.

(by the way, there are still sports that they can't start at 7 so if he really needs to find his own thing when they are older, try, eg rowing, where those who start at ? 10-12 are way ahead of the many who start at 12-14)

It can also be harder for academic children to appreciate that they are skilled - one of mine, looking back, couldn't see how others thought he was bright age 7 or 8 - "the teachers might know, but how did other children know?" And if you can do it easily, you don't appreciate the effort others might require. Doing better in a sport is rather more obvious to everyone around you, though the same can apply!

Please don't blame yourself for not starting clubs earlier! Just keep on being supportive of your son, and talk about what he enjoys doing, focus on the progress he's making in all types of activities, maybe help him set achievable goals if he's expressing frustration with something you thought he enjoyed, and remind him when he achieves them.

Have fun!

Try to have him compete with himself. At races, time him. It doesn't matter if he's last, he'll probably have run a little faster than before. That might motivate him to try more, too - it's time, running faster does mean less time spent, so he's getting results even if his position doesn't improve.

My 2 were always last in EVERYTHING on sports day, it's horrible I know. As others have said, it's good to encourage out of school activity, especially different sports and ones where competition isn't the be all and end all (eg trampolining, swimming). You can then make them feel good about their progress in these. I also told mine how rubbish I was at school sport but now am really quite fit through yoga and pilates, which aren't offered at school. And I know it doesn't help you now, but mine much prefer secondary school sport, one is actually quite good now but both don't get picked on/teased as badly as they did at primary over sport/

Thanks @Smallfry79 - I'm glad you understand. Yes, he does take some comfort from the academic side, but as you say, it's not got the same kudos sadly. Thank you for understanding!
@WaterAndTheWild - that's actually an idea if I could figure our how he would be able to practice without driving us all mad! I think he'd love drumming as he's got good timing... will look into that.

@TeenMinusTests - yes, that's a worry. Will def try to focus on effort, thank you.
@Mumoftwoinprimary I kid you not, everything you have listed is done by at least one of his classmates (except triathlon, there's no club for that near here afaik) - and there are only 8 of them who are his age in his composite class! Every sport that is on offer within a reasonable distance, they do. We are rural and as it's a small school I think other parents realised sooner than me that the kids need other interests and as they don't have younger siblings to take in to account they can dedicate more time to travelling further to cover all these things.
The 8 other kids between them manage to cover (and there may be more I don't know about!):
Tennis, badminton, hockey, gymnastics, karate, taekwondo, horse riding, cycling, swimming, trampolining, dancing (various kinds), football, rugby, golf, athletics, kayaking, climbing, diving. Like I said, they are a sporty bunch.

We have an electronic drum kit that can make virtually no noise (drummer has headphones) - unless you want it to! There are usually a few on eBay/Gumtree etc..

Read up on growth mindsets vs fixed mindsets. The not wanting to try in case he comes last is very fixed mindset.

Mindset by Carol Dweck is the go to book on this that has loads of ideas about how to speak to kids to encourage a growth mindset.

If he would focus some of that disappointment he feels about being last into actually putting his all in to the race on the first place I am 90% sure he wouldn't be last

Oh I recognise this from DS! He wants to be effortlessly good at things, but the truth is he needs to work hard to come third (which would be a really good result for him) and that isn't motivating enough for him.

I also wish he would find something he loves and enjoys working at and putting the time into. I don't personally care about his sporting skills, but I don't want him to give up being active and enjoying sport, both for physical and social reasons.

Do you have a junior park run near you OP? Less of a focus on sports and more of a focus on exercise for health! I think they used to, not sure if they still do, certificates for milestone amounts of walks/runs completed!

Also, you could point out to him that whilst he may not be the best, he is still making progress and getting better. Then try out clubs/activities which aren't for sporty children too.

Thank you to everyone, you've all be v kind & helpful. Will look at growth mindset stuff @Trisolaris - it's def something I have been aware of, but how to explain it to him is something I need to work on. He does seem to put himself in a box, and I do want to make sure he isn't restricting himself already.

And @TheYearOfSmallThings sorry you have this frustration too. I think that's partly it with my DS if he tried really hard he wouldn't be last, but he also wouldn't be first as there is one kid who is destined for great sporting things I'm sure, so it's a bit of a 'what's the point' feeling I think. But will def have to work on this with him. I definitely feel that I just want him to enjoy being active and doing sport as you say for both physical and social reasons. I also have at the back of my mind that for me, having my sports that I was good at and enjoyed kept me from doing some of the stupid shit teenagers do... I know it's a way off for him, but it's about making sure he's still involving himself by that time?

@competitiveconnie - ok - getting harder! Table tennis, futsal, judo, fencing, archery, water polo?????

You may have beaten me and my kids do more sports than Jess Ennis!

With triathlons you don’t need to join a club - you can just enter one. You just need to be able to swim, ride a bike and run (walk!) Is he turning 8 this year? “Tri start” (the youngest age group) is for kids who turn 8 this year. At tri start level it is mainly a “put your shoes on with wet feet” race. The distances they race on are very short. And you can get some lovely pictures to take into school to show everyone.

Whereabouts in the country are you? Is it a v competitive school? I’m only asking because my son is six and I don’t recognise any of this yet? None of his friends seem to do football and I don’t think there is that thing at breaktime of kids just kicking a ball around. There was no sports day last year and not sure about this year. My son does swimming lessons on the weekend, some kids do karate. It’s like sport and competitiveness hasn’t entered our lives yet? Perhaps it’s coming.

Any sport's club you find there will be sporty kids who try, as opposed to average kids who don't.
Junior Park Run is so big it might be easier to get him to compete against himself.

Go jogging together. Bribe him to do junior park run every week. By next summer term he'll absolutely smash them

@Mumoftwoinprimary - my DS doesn't do all of those sports I mentioned, but his peers do between them..!
@Mincepiesallyearround I didn't think it was a big thing when he started school, but it kind of slipped by me tbh. Its just a state school, but I think it has unusually sporty kids in his year... I'm not sure why! There is probably an element of competitive parenting going on too (and I don't think I'm immune, but I try to be!) as other parents are v casual about it all on the surface but then there have been instances where I think I've found something no one does and I take my DS along and theres one of his school friends who has been going for 2 years...
I should add that DS is v popular with his friends, as he's funny and silly, and he is kind & helpful, he really doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He's a lovely boy - he gets v good reports form school that emphasise how kind he is and I do try to remind him about all these things. He hides how he feels about the sports stuff quite well, but he was literally in tears yesterday as it had become too much

[quote competitiveconnie]@JewelGarden - yes he does, the problem is that other kids got there first, so he's always starting behind them. I'm hopeful that with some of the clubs he does that won't always be the case IF he keeps going. I wish there was a club that his school friends didn't already go to, but I've yet to find one...

It's my fault as he has 2 younger siblings and they meant I didn't get him into lots of clubs when he started school etc when they were born as I had my hands full (and if I'm honest, I hadn't realised that kids so little were doing SO many things so often) and I struggled to cope for a bit with a bit of PND so I feel I've let him down a bit tbh. [/quote]
Of course you have not let him down
Some obe cones last.
No big deal
He will find a niche
Get dh to take him to different activities or theatre club on Saturdays

Work through the big book of worries book

And
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1591473144/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_0E204RHQEDAQZ3WMJRMR?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You sounds like a very kind mum
I was just like your boy when I was his age. It's really hard, at his age, to grasp the idea that when you're good at different things to others it means nothing about your worth as a person.. is it worth it to let it just unfold naturally, while giving him advice or encouraging him to practise if he wants, and keep on repeating the same thing to him that he has loads of strengths and he is still the same in your eyes whatever happened?
I think I'm suggesting this because I wish my mum had said it to me. Would have been a heck of a lot better for my fledgeling self esteem! (Instead she laughed at me and said I was an embarrassment)

Is there a reason you're getting hung up on being sporty? As opposed to other hobbies?

Sorry that l sounded really goady, but really didn't mean it to be! Genuinely wondering if there's an opportunity to try him at something totally different

It's a really good idea to encourage exercise for kids, and usually sports clubs are the easiest and best way to do that.

@competitiveconnie is there any opportunity for him to try watersports? I was the academic non sporty kid but rode horses from age 3 (saw you guys were allergic) and then also started kayaking and sailing with Guides when I was about 11, having been on some taster days when younger. It's a totally different experience to usual sports and he might love it as much as I did? Having those two "sporty" things meant it didn't matter so much that I was hopeless at team and ball sports.

@Bryonyshcmyony

It's a really good idea to encourage exercise for kids, and usually sports clubs are the easiest and best way to do that.

But it sounds like he still plays and enjoys it for fun. His "thing" could be something totally different while still playing with his friends

Oops just rtft. Ok, not kayaking but maybe sailing? The club I'm currently with (ironically with a kayak as I haven't sailed a lot as an adult) is super friendly and I think would absolutely love a child joining to learn. If he fancies it, of course