How to support a child who comes last

[competitiveconnie]

Hi - please be kind, as I know I'm going to sound like a dick here, but I need some advice on how to support my DS. He's 7 and he's a bright sensitive little boy and he's actually reasonably good a quite a lot of things, but generally falls more on the academic side than the sporty. He is at a small school where his peers are all pretty sporty and the majority of them are the younger sibling in their families and so generally have that competitive side that is common when you have an older sibling (I am a younger sibling!)

So the thing is until recently he's not been all that bothered that he's not as good as his school friends at sports. He just enjoyed playing as he just wasn't all that competitive. He is lucky as he's perfectly well coordinated and reasonable at most things, but hasn't got something he excels at - basically he's probably pretty average at sports if in a big group, but his small pool of friends happen to be above average, so he sits at the bottom quite often.

He has started to be bothered now though and it's effecting his confidence and I am conscious that I need to get this right or he might end up being put off things forever! It's become more of an issue the last couple of months as the majority of his close friends have all got into a club that he's not at a level to join yet, so he feels v left out. He's also feeling low about the fact that he was last in some races they had yesterday and he got teased about it.

Here's where I'll sound like a dick, so apologies, but I just don't know how to deal with this as I was the lucky one when I was younger in that i was one of the older ones in my year and I was fastest etc and was lucky that I had one sport in particular that I excelled at so even if I was crap at something else I had that. He doesn't have that. Not with a non-academic thing. And a 7 year old boy doesn't care that his spelling is better than his friends...
How can I support him?

One thing I find frustrating is that when it comes to things like races, I think if he focused he probably wouldn't be last at all, as he is quite fast when putting his mind to it, but he seems to not to want to try in case he isn't successful, iyswim? I would just like to clarify that I don't care if he's last every time, but he does, so how do I get him to either not care, or to focus that desire so he isn't?
Any advice? Thanks

I've got mixed views on this tbh. I'm getting mixed messages from your posts OP - on one hand you are saying you don't mind but on the other you want him to find a something he's good at. Maybe I'm misunderstanding but here's a few thoughts:

• focus on physical activity as a well to be healthy. My DS (similar age to yours) loves to cycle and I value this as a way to stay healthy.
• focus on what he wants to achieve rather than where his peers are with swimming and other activities (sporty or non-sporty). Let him set his own challenges.
• let him do non-sporty stuff if he prefers this

A think a big problem is that parents generally gravitate to encourage boys towards sport and encouraging girls to do more creative stuff. I don't think they necessarily think about this or realise the underlying gender assumptions - it tends to be what's available and what the majority do, so it becomes the default. If your child is in any way different it becomes harder to fit in. So many of my DS friends only do sport, whereas my DS does drama and a bit of sport.

My main aim is to expose him to different opportunities simply so he can decide what he likes as he gets older, as a way to make friends and do something constructive and to give him a creative outlet (which many boys are lacking IMO)

There is an art to losing and this is an age at which lots of children seem to struggle with it. All 3 of ours did, all 3 outgrew it.

I think it’s often about identity at this age, and in their minds winning at sport = winning at life.

The older two forged identities where they rarely won but had a laugh with their friends and enjoyed themselves anyway. Our youngest child is more naturally competitive and it turned out winning is just more important to her than it is to her 2 brothers. One year she picked an event (the skipping race) that she thought she had a chance of improving at and spent hours practicing in the garden beforehand. She won, and won again the next year. She considered training for the cross country too, before deciding it was too much effort compared to just turning up and coming in at the back. Point is, she learnt there was a relationship between effort and achievement (not always an equal one, but there nonetheless).

The good news is that they all worked this out themselves, so all you really need to do is apply sympathy and time!

@NotSoLongGoodbye I don't mean to give mixed messages sorry! It may be partly down to me trying to think of things that might help him feel better, so I thought that having something that was his 'thing' that he was good at might help (as it helped me), but maybe that's not the answer, maybe just building his resilience is, and trying to get him to see the longer view...?

I do encourage other interests and he is reasonably good at other things and we are v much encouraging him with music (he's v keen) and he's good at art, so we try to make him see that he has LOTS of skills... it's just for him in his current circumstances music and art aren't seen as cool right now - it's all about the sport and computer games (and I'm not letting him play the games they are playing - that's a while other thread!) - and this is amongst the boys & girls too.

Some kids don't get good at sport for ages (if ever) keep trying, try different activities, especially ones where you aren't competing against others. Climbing, golf, boxing, dance, martial arts, etc.
My DD loves boxing and is getting competent but only really started aged 12/13. A friend's child, really not a sporty kid has hit puberty got very tall and strong and has been scouted as a potential sprinter/high jumper. Aged 14. No previous interest or training in athletics.
It's important for self esteem to have some wins, but losing well is an essential life skill.

Thanks @TheSockMonster - yes, it's definitely about identity - I am seeing through this chat that he needs to work out what matters to him and it's hard to be the person standing by while he does that, and I need to work out how to help him. That's good to hear though that yours worked through it fine and came out the other side happy! That's all I really want, for him to be happy in himself & feel confident

I was dire at sport in my youth. I did dance and that kept me active into adulthood where I've tried various sports and got into running.

I started my two off with a broad range of activities, not to make them brilliant, but as a foundation for whatever they want to do longer term. It's worked out well for DS1 in particular as it turns out he has dyspraxia and ASD. The early start on co-ordination at swimming and gymnastics has stood him in good stead. At 10, he's been doing junior parkrun since he was 4. He knows he's a decent distance runner (2k for juniors). At 5k he's ahead of many grown-ups and that's good for confidence. The breadth of the parkrun community is a good antidote to the closed world of school/ youth sport. Parkrun is about time so you can find competition within yourself and beat your own times rather than it being about the others around you.

I suspect that DS is not the only dyspraxic person in the family, but he has a much more positive attitude to sport and performance than when I was at school and there was little positive interest in children who struggled.