I get so sick of reading newspaper articles about the "fabulous fifties" and how life is so mcuh better in middle age. Glad I'm not totally alone in having a less than stellar decade.
My 50's have been the pits of hell, can't catch a break. All the striving and hard work over the decades have come to nowt. I'd have been much better off if I'd stayed in the small house in London we bought in the late 80's and just paid off our mortgage and done absolutely nothing.
Our business collapsed in the last recession and we never really recovered, this last year has floored us. I'm going to be a very poor pensioner. My 50's have seen two downsizing and area moves to keep a roof over our heads, absolutely constant money worries and frugality forever, no holidays , no luxuries. My H had a masssive, very scary, aggressive mental breakdown - our relationship is calm on the surface but pretty crap. He said things that made me feel my soul had been trampled on.
A medical condition I had under control since my early 30's came back with a vengeance, so my balance is f*cked, constantly dizzy, can't go out on my own, drive etc. but not ill enough for any benefits (according to PIP people). Can't get any paid work even shelf stacking or HCA work despite lots of qualifications and a senior RG academic job in the past (not that I'd actually be physically capable). I do some really poorly paid data innput stuff when I can get it.
Horrendous perimenopause for what seems like the past 10 years, uncontrolled chronic migraine, anxiety and flooding. I'm almost 58 and still having bloody periods but the past year never know when or for how long. Had to look after IL's (who had been foul to me for decades)- commute to them for months and months and promise not to let them die in hospital - just awful, they borrrowed lots of money from H a few years previously (we had to extend mortgages), promised share of house for us but they left everything to druggie child and H with a pile of debt.
DC all struggling to find their way. Eldest has high flying scientific career but has started to hate it and found WFH this year all alone in her tiny flat has shattered her MH. Twins finished Uni 2 years ago and have become totally insular together. They run a small business which only makes pocket money - seem to have no motivation to go out in the world. Youngest has deferred Uni and is trying for internships but also a homebody. I feel worried for them as I won't have much to leave them so they need to get a shift on to support themselves.
No one seems to give a fig about me or my health/happiness or want to listen to anything a "dreadful cis gendered, hetronormative person" has to say.
I worked so hard to support DC, give them lots of extra curricular opportunities, encourage friendships, ran playgroups etc. always all about them (I did that awful martyring of myself as I had a shit childhood and wanted better for them) but I feel I've failed in every sphere of life. I was a people pleaser to no avail.
The medication I take has made me pile on the pounds and feel sluggish. I look dreadful. Due to a car crash in my teens I had a bridge to replace my front teeth, it failed last year and I can't afford implants so have a horrible, ill fitting denture plate I loathe. I'm a drudge. An old workhorse that is living past their usefulness.
On the plus side, I'm so grateful to still be alive (no cancer or early onset dementia like my parents) and try to live in the moment and just enjoy the small things like a nice cup of tea, or good book, a non headache day. I had a very hard childhood and apart from some hedonism in my 20's adult life hasn't been much easier.