To ask your best clean(ish) joke?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I can never think of a good one when put on the spot, so I always use:

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. When he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

(I said it was my best. That doesn't mean it is funny. Hope to hear some better ones.)

I do like this one :-
Man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm & orders 2 pints. One for himself & one for the road!

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and three to bitch about how it's really too high for her

How many students...?
One to screw in the bulb and two to screw in the corner

How many feminists...?
One, and its Not Funny!
or
Two: one to change the bulb and one to kick the balls of any man who offers to help
or
Three: one to change the bulb and two to discuss how the bulb is exploiting the socket

How many Sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, she just holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around her.

How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

CHANGE!?

One for @CurryLover55
An Irishman goes to an interview for a job on a building site. So, Paddy says the foreman,, can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder.
Sure, says Paddy, Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.

A bear walks into a pub , goes up to the bar and says "Can I have a ..............................
pint of lager please?"

And the barman says "Why the big pause [paws]?"

A frog walks into a bank and speaks to the lady behind the counter, he can see her name badge say Patrica Wack. He says 'hello Patricia Wack, my name is Kermit Jagger and I would like to take out a 10 thousand pound loan please.' Patrica replies that they would need some sort of collateral for the loan. So Kermit hands over a small china figure. Patricia says 'I just need to have a quick word with the bank manager'
And goes off to explain that a Frog called Kermit Jagger has come in asking for 10 thousand pound loan and has given the small china figure over for collateral. The manager says 'it's just a nick-nack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a Rolling Stone'

A white horse goes into a pub and, to the amazement of the barman, says "Pint of bitter, please." The barman says "Do you know what, that's an astonishing co-incidence - we actually sell a whisky here that's named after you!"

The horse looks at him taken aback and replies "What? You have a whisky called Eric?!"

Barman: "You'll never guess who we had in here last night - that Spanish actor who was in Skyfall; and he drank way too much and kept starting fights with the regulars."
Customer; "Wow! Javier Bardem?!"
Barman: "Not yet, but he's on his final warning if he shows his face here again!"

Fran Healy invited me over for dinner with his bandmates, but all he actually served me was a single bowl of frozen water.
It was a Travis tea of just ice.

I'm obsessed with spreadsheets, so I thought I'd see if I could completely give up using them for 40 days.
It was Excellent.

I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £40 - is that too dear? (2 deer)

If it’s ok to tell an Irish joke, this is my all time favourite:- Did you hear about the Irish hitchhiker who left early to avoid the traffic?!

Hmm, we could always say something like "Did you hear about the silly hitchhiker..." or something like that?
Surely we've moved on from Scots are mean, Irish are unintelligent and so on?

@LittleDidSheKnow

Hmm, we could always say something like "Did you hear about the silly hitchhiker..." or something like that? Surely we've moved on from Scots are mean, Irish are unintelligent and so on?

Yes, it seems those types of jokes could be easily reworked (keep the punchlines, ditch the offensive sweeping generalisations...).

I’m told that Whitehaven had an all purpose, mythical village idiot who was the subject of all jokes about someone being stupid. The only one I know is:
One dark winter’s evening Buttonsticks is on all fours in King Street when a policeman comes along. What are you doing asks the policeman ?
I’m looking for a sixpence I’ve lost says Buttonsticks. Do you know you lost it here? Says the policeman.
No, I didn’t lose it here, says Buttonsticks, I lost it in Queen Street, but I’d never find it there; there aren’t any street lights.

We had a Chinese meal tonight. I accidentally handed my husband a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

He still isn't talking to me.

@LunaNorth

Derek was a chap who loved tractors. He had tractor jumpers, tractor wallpaper, a tractor duvet cover, a tractor lampshade, a massive collection of tractor dinky toys - you name it, he had it.

But what he didn’t have was a girlfriend.

One day, he was complaining about how lonely he was to his best friend. Unable to take it any note, his friend said, ‘Derek, mate, you have to lose the the tractors. No wonder you can’t get a girlfriend. What woman wants to hop into bed under a tractor duvet cover? I guarantee, you’ll meet somebody if you ditch the tractors.’

Derek thought about it, and decided his mate was right. With a heavy heart, he got rid of all his tractor stuff, bought some new jumpers, and decided to try online dating. He was matched up with a nice woman straight away, and they met for a date in a pub. Derek wore one of his new jumpers and felt pretty good.

Well, the date was going brilliantly. They had a meal and the food was lovely. They got on really well, were chatting and laughing, and there was even a bit of heavy flirting going on. Derek was just about to suggest going back to his, when suddenly an alarm went off, and the pub started to fill with thick, black smoke. People were screaming and running around, it was chaos.

Suddenly, Derek stood up. He took a massive, deep breath, and sucked all the smoke from the room into his lungs. When the room was clear, he ran to the window, stuck his head out of the door and blew it away into the air.

Derek had saved the day. With shining eyes, his date said, ‘That was amazing, Derek! How did you do that?’

‘Easy,’ said Derek. ‘I’m an ex-tractor fan.’

Aaahahaha 😂 worth the read

@merryhouse

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and three to bitch about how it's really too high for her

How many students...?
One to screw in the bulb and two to screw in the corner

How many feminists...?
One, and its Not Funny!
or
Two: one to change the bulb and one to kick the balls of any man who offers to help
or
Three: one to change the bulb and two to discuss how the bulb is exploiting the socket

Sorry, not rtft but on that path:

How many therapists...?
One, but the lightbulb must really want to change.

What's the definition of a drawing pin?
A smartie with a hard-on
(Sorry, only halfway up the clean-ometer).

What did the Dalai Lama say to the pizza chef?
"Make me one with everything."

...And what's Good King Wenceslas' favourite?
Deep pan, crisp and even

@MistySkiesAfterRain

We had a Chinese meal tonight. I accidentally handed my husband a glue stick instead of a chap stick.

He still isn't talking to me.

What's the relevance of the Chinese meal? idgi!

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hands in its pockets and tickle its balls.

@HyggeTygge You would normally eat a chinese meal with a chop stick.

I think the confusion stemmed from "chopstick" being misspelled as "chap stick", which is also a thing (and more likely to be mistaken for a glue stick).
The misspelled joke, without the Chinese meal was IMO better.

@InMySpareTime

I think the confusion stemmed from "chopstick" being misspelled as "chap stick", which is also a thing (and more likely to be mistaken for a glue stick). The misspelled joke, without the Chinese meal was IMO better.

I agree. A chap stick and glue stick look similar so could be confused; a chopstick is not like a glue stick at all, and not used the same way, either. A glue stick wouldn’t stick the lips together if used like a chopstick, which is surely the point of the joke!

So yes, glue stick for chap stick works better!

I paid £500 to rent a limousine, but the driver delivered it to my door and then just walked away.

I was fuming: all that money I paid and nothing to chauffeur it.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
“Oops!”

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger…
And then it hit me.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

I own the world’s worst thesaurus.
Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means?
It’s not the end of the world.

If I had 50p for every maths test I'd failed, I’d have £6.30 now.

I can say it's a fascist state if I want to... it's a free country!

@LittleDidSheKnow - nice

I own the world’s worst thesaurus.
Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

You're lucky, someone stole my thesaurus and I can't tell you how sad, morose, tearful, melancholy, down-in-the-dumps, and upset I am.

Meanwhile, I've noticed my son is reading through the S section of the dictionary. I think he's up to something...

@DadDadDad