To ask your best clean(ish) joke?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I can never think of a good one when put on the spot, so I always use:

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. When he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

(I said it was my best. That doesn't mean it is funny. Hope to hear some better ones.)

Brilliant thread OP had a laugh reading this, makes a change from the usual stresses in life.

Our family favourite is:
What do you call a sheep dunked in chocolate?
A chocolate baaaaa!

Time for tea and chocolate me thinks

@ShutUpaYourFace Yes, theft have been a loft of gems on here! It seems to be losing steam though.

@LittleDidSheKnow Great additions!

What do angry mice send each other in December? Cross mouse cards

Wow.
Yes, theft have been a loft of gems on here --> Yes, THERE have been a LOT of gems on here

@InMySpareTime

I think the confusion stemmed from "chopstick" being misspelled as "chap stick", which is also a thing (and more likely to be mistaken for a glue stick). The misspelled joke, without the Chinese meal was IMO better.

My Dad sent me that, with his partners name. I replied 1. This is a joke? 2. Did you mean chapstick? I can see the confusion lol.

Oh also meant to say the punchline being that a glue stick would stick your mouth together hence not talking which I was slow to get.

A native American boy had a troubled childhood. There were things he needed to know and so when he was a certain age he asked for an audience with the village Chief, intent on looking for answers.

He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name. The Chief said that in their tribe it was customary to name each child after the first noteworthy natural thing one of their parents sees. "When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer springing across the plain."

The boy then asked how did my sister "White Cloud" get her name? The chief described again, how when the girl was born the first thing their father had seen when he emerged from the teepee was an enormous tall white cloud.

The boy asked again, how his cousin "Crouching Bear" had been given such a name. The Chief once again explained the traditions of their tribe and how his aunt had spotted a bear crouching to drink water from a lake.

Then the Chief, becoming slightly irritated, turned and asked the boy. "Why do you ask so many questions, Two Dogs **cking?"

What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work?

Bison 🦬

@becarefuloutthere

So pure. I love it!

Two bishops in bed. Which one wears the nightie?

Mrs Bishop.

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

Hopefully some of you will be old enough to ‘get’ this one...!

I had a day off from my job as shop manager, but the assistant sent me a message at 8.30 am which said “The alarms gone off!”
So I got up and dashed to the shop to make sure everything was OK, fearing a break in. When I got there, all was calm and normal, business as usual.
“You said the alarm had gone off?” I said to the asst. manager.
“Yes,” he replied, “they haven’t made a decent record since 68 Guns!”

What do you call a snake that measures 3.142 metres?

A pi thon

I went to the shop today to buy some strawberries and apples, but they didn't have any. It was a fruitless trip.

Why didn't Cleopatra need therapy?
She was the Queen of Denial.

Why can't you make a crumble with 3.142 strawberries? Because that would be a pi.

I was very disappointed to learn that strawberries don't grow in winter. I thought strawberry fields were forever.

Did you know the Bible says men should always make the tea?
There's a whole book about it.
HeBrews.

I used to be an excellent parent...
...then I had kids!

I thought the tumble dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the fridge all along!

I got fed up of my husband being annoyed at me for having no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

I just found out I was colour blind.

The news was a real bolt out of the orange.

Tim Vine:

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up'

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Oh, I haven't checked in for a while. These are great.