To ask your best clean(ish) joke?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I can never think of a good one when put on the spot, so I always use:

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. When he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

(I said it was my best. That doesn't mean it is funny. Hope to hear some better ones.)

You think swimming with dolphins is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

A man is out driving on his own on a long motorway trip and his wife is a bit concerned about him. She hears an emergency traffic report on the radio about the motorway that he is on and calls him immediately on his car phone.

"Albert, you need to be very, very careful indeed, as they've just said on the radio that there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the M11."

"I'm doing my best, Mabel, but it isn't just one idiot - there are hundreds of them!"

A sweet little girl goes into a pet shop, stands next to the rodent tank and calls to the assistant "I'd like to buy thicth mithe, pleathe."

The assistant bends down to her level and asks gently "Would you like six brown mice, six white mice, half and half or a random mixture?"

She beams up at him and replies "It doethn't really matter to me, thank you - I don't think my python givth a thyit!"

A 90yo woman calls the police in shock and asks them to send somebody around urgently. An officer is dispatched immediately and she tells him to come up to her apartment.

She points to the window in the same-level apartment across the road, where there's a big muscular, very handsome man aged about 25 using a treadmill in his bedroom.

"LOOK, officer, LOOK - it's disgusting, outrageous! How can I be expected to put up with having to see him exercising completely stark naked all day, whenever I have my curtains open? He never closes his curtains either!"

The officer looks very carefully and concludes "But, Madam - looking from all the possible angles, you can only actually see him from the waist up - surely that isn't a problem?"

"The wardrobe, Officer - jump up and stand on top of the wardrobe with these binoculars!!!"

What’s the difference between mash potato and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potato.

What do you call a pig with 3 eyes? A piiig!.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

And when the pencil didn't work he had to use logs.

Sorry.

@AlternativeCarpark

"Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?".

"Well, it's an anagram of Easter and your mother really likes Easter".

"Ok, thanks Dad".

"That's alright, Alan".

@FelicityBeedle

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

Marvellous 😹😹😹

Why did the policeman stop the bus?
Because it had 52 Crookes on it.

Two fish are in a tank one says to the other "can you drive it?"

Fish walks into a bar - Bartender says "why the long faeces"

What does a fish say of it hits a wall ? "Dam"

A microlight plane tragically lost all engine power and plummeted to the ground, crash-landing in a graveyard.

Investigators have forensically combed the accident site and reported finding 619 fatal casualties.

I was working for security at an old-school pop festival, when a fight broke out between Steps and Jamiroquai. Luckily, just before things got really nasty, I managed to get between H and JK.

I was also contracted to work backstage at a 60s & 70s revival extravaganza to be held on the banks of the River Tamar, but it had to be cancelled when neither The Jam nor Cream could agree on who would go on stage first.

There's 8 cows in a field.
Which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf

A gangster gave his girlfriend a beautiful expensive mink stole for her birthday. He told her: "the mink is faux, but it's genuinely stole!"

A friend of mine has had a really terrible few days. As if it wasn't bad enough when her boyfriend was run over by a bus on Tuesday, on Wednesday, she lost her job - at the bus company.

I got a new pair of gardening gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

My parents are in the iron and steel business: my mum irons and my dad steals.

My long-term-unemployed uncle was so chuffed to finally get a job with the local bus company, he was determined to give it 110% in doing the very best job he possibly could.

Unfortunately, that was actually the cause of him losing the job soon after - when he pulled out all the stops.

My Cockney brother-n-law told me that a bird had done a big poo on his windscreen the other evening, when he was on a date.

It turned out that neither of them wanted to go on a second date....

A couple are out on a date. The woman decides to order octopus.

They sit and chat, they have several drinks. The mans food comes.

Waiter: “Yours will be along in a few moments madam”

They wait and wait some more. The waiter comes back “I’m ever so sorry, the octopus isn’t quite ready yet, it’ll only be a few minutes now.”

This happens again and the lady says “you said it was going to be a few minutes half an hour ago! Why isn’t my octopus cooked yet?”

“We’re doing our best but he keeps turning the gas off!”

Did you hear about the Buddhist refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal was to transcend dental medication.

How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: 5 beers, please!
Another Roman asks for a Martinus. "You mean Martini?" Asked the bartender. "No, just the one, thanks!"

Who is the cleanest footballer in the world? Robin Van Persil.

What's Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1

@ButtercupSquash

Why did the policeman stop the bus? Because it had 52 Crookes on it.

I don't get this one. A little help?