To ask your best clean(ish) joke?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I can never think of a good one when put on the spot, so I always use:

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. When he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

(I said it was my best. That doesn't mean it is funny. Hope to hear some better ones.)

What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A roamin' catholic

@UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa - I suspect that one works better if you know Sheffield.

And in the days when the number was to the left of the destination...

My friend is stupid. He said that onions are the only food that make you cry.

So, I threw a coconut at his face.

[quote DadDadDad]@UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa - I suspect that one works better if you know Sheffield.[/quote]
Ah! Thanks! That was going to drive me mad.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishwasher!

Dishwasher who?

Dishwasher the way I talked until I got my new false teeth

Did you hear about the inventor of the knock knock joke?

He won the 'no bell' prize

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Oswald

Oswald who?

Oswallowed my bubble gum!

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

How do you make Holy water?
You boil the Hell out of it.

(Credit for that one goes to DS’s friend)

@DadDadDad

And in the days when the number was to the left of the destination...

Thanks @DadDadDad Apologies for that one. As I don’t live anywhere near Sheffield, I don’t usually get the opportunity to tell that one. You are right it’s a very old joke.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana (blame my mum for that gem!).

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with three legs, one eye that plays the piano?

A winky wonky plinky plonky donkey.

“Tits like melons, Vicar!”
“And sparrows like apricots”

Man goes into see the Doctor, clutching his stomach.
'Doctor doctor I've eaten something that disagrees with me!'
Voice from his stomach: 'No you haven't!'
(Works better as a cartoon but is one of my faves!)

Why did the scarecrow win an award.

Because he was outstanding in his field..

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

...And those that didn't expect this joke to be in ternary.

There are 2 types of people in this world. Those who like to extrapolate from incomplete data.

[That's my second-favourite actuaries' joke, but my favourite will probably only amuse other actuaries]

Every year my family get together for a skiing holiday. This year, my granddad was unwell with a cough and bad chest, so he used an old-fashioned remedy, applying mustard and goose fat. He went downhill really quickly after that.

3 men were sat in a bar talking about there lack of luck with women When they spotted a man surrounded by beautiful women.
‘I’m gonna go ask him what his secret is’ said man 1, so he went over and asked him and the guy whispered something in his ear. Man 1 walked up to the most stunning woman in the bar, said something to her, she picked up her coat and left with him.
Stunned man 2 said ‘il have a bit of that’ and he did the same. Asked the man, the man told him the same as man 1. Man 2 went up to the most beautiful woman left in the bar and whispered in her ear. She picked up her coat and left with him.
Man 3 was shocked he’d never seen anything like it, he thought it wouldn’t work for him but hey he’d give it a go!
He walked up to the man and said excuse me mate, how do you attract all these women and then give my mates advice and they manage to pull too? The man lent over and whispered in his ear.
Man 3 picked up his coat and left the bar.
The bloke was shocked and wondered why he just left. He followed him outside and noticed the barn next door was slightly open. He walked closer and could hear music. When he opened the door he saw man 3 stood stark naked dancing in front of the farm machinery.
What the hell are you doing? he asked
Man three said
You told me just to do something sexy to attract her!

I got very emotional at the petrol station yesterday. I don't know why, I just found myself filling up.

An oldie but goodie:

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

My favourite joke is an Irish one but I don’t think you’re allowed to tell those anymore