To ask your best clean(ish) joke?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I can never think of a good one when put on the spot, so I always use:

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. When he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

(I said it was my best. That doesn't mean it is funny. Hope to hear some better ones.)

I had to walk the plank as a child. Couldn't afford a dog.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup

What do you call a dinosaur wearing glasses?

A do-you-think-he-saurus

@MrsTuliptattsyrup I had to read the punchline three times (long day), but it gave me a giggle when I got it.

What do you call a man wearing a rain coat? Mac.
What do you call a man wearing two rain coats? Max.
What do you call a man wearing 2 raincoats in a cemetery? Max Bygraves.

This isn't clean but I enjoy it.

How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate it's tit a lot.

@Didactylos

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

-How many Mumsnetters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-If it's not sorted by the time you get home, LTB.

What's the fastest curry?
Usain Balti

Little Tommy is complaining to Little Jimmy about Little Suzie.
"That Suzie is a real cheat!" He says, "She said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine, so I did."
"Well what did she do?" Asked Little Jimmy.
"She lifted up her skirt... and she didn't have one!!"

A large company hires a tribe of cannibals on the condition that they do not eat any of the other staff. Everything goes well for a month or so, then the CEO calls the tribe into her office.
"Alright," She says, "A member of staff has gone missing. Did any of you eat her?"
The tribe chief makes a big show of talking to all the tribesmen, then assures the CEO that it was none of them. Once she lets them go, the chief gathers all the tribesmen around him again.
"Alright," He says, "'Fess up. Which of you was it?"
One cannibal shiftily raises his hand and admits to eating a receptionist.
"You idiot!" Says the chief, "Why did you have to eat someone useful? We've been eating middle management for weeks and nobody noticed!"

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
One, if you slice him thinly enough.

I used to have a job digging holes for water, but I quit because it was well boring.

A large company hires a tribe of cannibals on the condition that they do not eat any of the other staff. Everything goes well for a month or so, then the CEO calls the tribe into her office.
"Alright," She says, "A member of staff has gone missing. Did any of you eat her?"
The tribe chief makes a big show of talking to all the tribesmen, then assures the CEO that it was none of them. Once she lets them go, the chief gathers all the tribesmen around him again.
"Alright," He says, "'Fess up. Which of you was it?"
One cannibal shiftily raises his hand and admits to eating a receptionist.
"You idiot!" Says the chief, "Why did you have to eat someone useful? We've been eating middle management for weeks and nobody noticed!"

🤣🤣🤣

@PedrosPony

You can't go wrong with a good cheese based one;

How do you hide a small horse?
Marscapone

How do you eat cheese in wales?
Caerphilly

What do the cheese say to the mirror?
Halloumi

How do you get Yogi to hurry up?
Shout Camembert

How do you coax a bear out of a cave with cheese? Camembert!

A farmer moved 18 sheep to a new field. Later on he sent his dog to check that none had escaped. "There are 20 sheep in the field" said the dog. "But I only put 18 in there!" said the farmer. "I know," replied the dog "I rounded them up."

What's a pirates favourite latter?
Rrrrr
Rrrrrrr yes but his first love be the sea

These are all hilarious

Did you hear about the shy pebble? 😔

She wanted to be a little boulder 🥁

(young kid told me it the other day and it was hilarious - you probably had to be there!)

I also love this one, but fewer and fewer people get it now.

A missionary working in Africa came across a group of snakes. After several months, they'd all converted to Christianity. The next time he visited them, he was surprised to see them busy chopping down trees.

"What's going on?" he asked the chief snake. "What are you doing with all this wood?"

"Well," replied the snake. "You told us to go forth and multiply, but we're adders, so we're making log tables."

@FrangipaniBlue

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?

Still no fucking idea.

Knock knock.
Who's there.
The man to fix your doorbell.

What's square and hairy?
A pubic cube

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.

What's the last thing that goes through a bees mind as it hits a windscreen at 100mph?
It's backside.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator 😂😂

What do you call a fish with no eyes. A fsh!

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

Russell

A couple which really only work with a Scottish accent…

10 cows in a field; which ones closest to Iraq?

Kuwait (Coo eight)

And. My favourite joke ever…
10 cows in a field; which ones on holiday?

The one with the wee calf (week aff)

@PedrosPony how could you forget..

What cheese is not yours?
Nacho cheese!

Why did the lion eat the tight - rope walker?

Because he wanted a balanced meal.