To ask your best clean(ish) joke?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I can never think of a good one when put on the spot, so I always use:

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. When he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

(I said it was my best. That doesn't mean it is funny. Hope to hear some better ones.)

@onitlikeacarbonnet

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

Russell

A couple which really only work with a Scottish accent…

10 cows in a field; which ones closest to Iraq?

Kuwait (Coo eight)

And. My favourite joke ever…
10 cows in a field; which ones on holiday?

The one with the wee calf (week aff)

And you’ve missed the classic:

What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?

Warren

Man comes home from work, says angrily to wife: “I’ve just heard that our milkman has been shagging every woman on our street” - (gives wife a narrow stare - “except one!!
Wife: “Oh, that will be the stuck-up cow at number 11.”

What does a cannibal call a man in a hammock?
Breakfast in bed.

Two monkeys in the bath
One says ‘Ooh ooh ooh ooh’
The other says ‘put some cold in then’

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!!

What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill.

How do you make a venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye.

Where is Hadrian’s wall?
Just outside Hadrian’s house.

Where do mansplainers keep their opinions? In a well, actually.

How do you pay a pirate? Give him 22 coins over 7 days. (I’m really sorry about this one, I saw it on Twitter and it took me ages but was worth the groan when I got it).

What connects the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic?

Icy dead people

Aaargh @BelleClapper - I don’t get it

The pirate one I mean

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

My sons favourite jokes:-

WhAt do you call a seagull that flies over a bay?
A bagal

What's a whales favourite dinner?
Fish and ships

What's a cats favourite colour?
Purrrple

Who do you need to call when you see a field of frozen cows?
Thora Hird.

Two fleas are leaving the cinema. One turns to the other and asks, "shall we walk home or take a dog?"

Two snowmen standing in a garden, one asks the other, "do you smell carrots?"

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?
Sir.

And a very dirty one:
What's long and green and smells of bacon?
Kermit the Frog's finger

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

This might actually out me. My husband has a joke that he tells CONSTANTLY. It has been told on several continents. It has caused actual physical pain and distress to complete strangers (made a man in a full body cast laugh; he must have been on drugs, because it’s an awful joke).

And the setup for the last ten (TEN) years, has gone like this...
Something unfortunate happens.
RightYesButNo’s DH tells her
RightYesButNo: Ugh, you’re joking
RightYesButNo’s DH: If I were joking, I would have said, “Two cannibals are eating a clown and one turns to the other and says, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’”

That’s it. Anytime some poor bastard says any iteration of, “You’re joking, mate,” he gets DH deadpanning the two cannibals joke. If I forget yet again, I get the fucking two cannibals joke AGAIN. I’ve heard it at least a thousand times probably.

Someone please explain the pirate joke?!

Yes please explain the pirate joke! Driving me crazy!

Think of it as Pi rate.

Yeah DH just got it! So it did come in useful after all!😁

What's ET short for?
Because he has little legs

Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe Who?
No! YOU'RE a poo!

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and one will see you in a while