I made my therapist cry - feel a bit guilty?

[feelabitguilty]

I was talking to her/explaining an event in my childhood and I could tell she was quite emotional/tearful by what I’d said . I feel a bit bad now ... what I had told her was upsetting but I already knew those things - to me it’s like writing a story about a fictional character - and so it doesn’t tend to bother me in the same way although perhaps they should . I can see that others would be upset by it .

I remember I had similar experiences when I worked directly with clients/patients that sometimes a story or a particular person would stick with you and I did feel tearful at times - and did express that to a couple of patients ... I think it’s a very healthy thing and an important part of showing empathy when it’s well judged . So I’m not sure why I feel a bit wobbly when the shoe is on the other foot; so to speak!

I haven’t done anything awful by bringing her to tears have I? She’s a lovely kind, gentle person .

It does make me realise that actually my feelings are right and OK (in terms of feeling trauma) - I remember similar when my
GP disclosed to me years ago when I told her I was scared of something, and she said she was also a bit nervous - it made me feel a bit better, that I wasn’t being stupid or silly (I was much younger in that example) .

Just wondering if anyone else has similar experience - from either side - this is OK isn’t it?

She sounds human

Yes it is ok. But it might be useful to reflect back to your therapist that you were worried about it.

It’s absolutely OK, and it’s bound to happen sometimes. Both of you are human and can be moved to tears.

You haven’t done anything wrong and you haven’t damaged her. When we have been through certain kinds of trauma, we can have an instinctive assumption that we will harm other people by telling them. Often we have evolved ways of talking about our trauma that are very matter-of-fact in order to be able to talk about it at all. There is a chance your therapist was feeling a sadness that was partly empathic and partly a sadness that belonged to you but which you were unable to experience at the time. Talk to her about it if you still feel troubled by it.

I work in a similar area and sometimes things stick. As long as she de briefs she will be fine. It's All a learning curve and hopefully she was showing empathy to you and it helps to build the therapeutic relationship

Completely normal. Please share with her that you were worried about having upset her - that sounds like an important thing to work through too.

I used to work in (NHS) mental health clinical services and think the therapist should refer you to one of her colleagues. It’s not great for either of you if eg you trigger her, or if she gets too emotionally attached. You didn’t do anything wrong, neither did she, but it’s whether you’re a good match together to achieve the end goal.

You haven't done anything awful at all OP.
Don't forget that she will have her own clinical supervision to process her emotional responses to her work.

It shows she's human and that you're justified in your feelings. Maybe mention it next time and let her know that you're worried you've upset her?

Hmmm I'd be worried you'll start to view her responses as a directive on how you should feel. Next time you tell her something that doesn't upset her does this invalidate your feelings or minimise it? In the nicest way possible it's not about her it's about you. She's absolutely human but I'm a bit disappointed as she will be aware this could develop a 'even my therapist was so upset' spiral for someone which isn't necessarily useful for recovery.

In no way should you feel guilty though.

I had a therapist that did this

Never shared properly again

I think that it can damage the professional relationship if you feel unable to say what you truly feel because you are thinking about not wanting to upset your counsellor or focussing on her.

My therapist thought I needed to work with someone else as she thought she was becoming too involved and that we weren't working as well together any more. My next therapist was very staid and distant. I initially hated seeing her but it was what I needed and we made a lot more progress.

I’m a therapist and I would be mortified if I’d done this. Of course clients stories are upsetting but we really have to keep it together.

How did you end the session?

It's her job to provide and maintain a safe therapeutic frame. Did you leave feeling 'contained' and calm, or did it feel a bit like things trailed off in an unexpected way once she became tearful?

It may have triggered an event that was similar to what she has experienced. She probably feels really unprofessional but we’re all human at the end of the day so I hope she doesn’t feel bad about it and you should definitely not feel bad about it.

A one off cry is understandable. If they're moved to tears more than that then it's not great. Do you feel like you're getting a lot out of the sessions?
I wouldn't ditch a therapist over that alone.

Eek no. That's not professional. She shouldn't have cried no matter what. Boundaries keep YOU safe. She has her own outlet for that.

I think you need to find another therapist.

You are already using her unprofessional response to validate your feelings, and it could massively affect your willingness to fully engage with her openly and honestly going forward.

@CaptainPovey

I had a therapist that did this

Never shared properly again

Me too. I went straight back into 'minimise and pretend everything is fine' mode. I didn't even do it consciously, it was only afterwards I realised.

It's normal as a therapist to feel empathy - it's a vital part of the Therapeutic relationship and one of the core conditions for person centred therapy. My concern here as a therapist is are you going to feel like you can openly talk as you need to without the same happening again. It's not really ideal for a therapist to cry upon hearing harrowing things. It can come across as judging and affect the condition of unconditional positive regard.

You need to discuss this with your therapist and hopefully she will have discussed her reaction with her clinical supervisor.

It depends on what you mean by crying, a tear or tearful eyes as opposed to proper crying. Did she say anything or acknowledge her feelings about what you were saying?

I’ve occasionally felt tearful with my clients, when it’s happened I’ve explained why and also explained that I’m ok, just touched by what they’ve said. I think as long as it’s addressed in the room it can be therapeutic, it can help some folk who are very detached from their feelings to see how someone else offers empathy for them.

She’s not a good therapist. Therapists are supposed to help contain their patients’ feelings in a safe way - not be overwhelmed by them.

This is not good therapy. You are there for help with your feelings - but now you are absorbed in thoughts/concerns about hers.

She fucked up. I’m sure she’s a lovely person but the therapy failed at that point.

Possibly you can discuss this and restore things but in crying she didn’t maintain a safe space for you.

I don't think you've done anything awful at all OP and it sounds like her showing empathy to you in this way feels ok for you.

It's worth saying that different therapists will work from different models; and some of those will have very clear positions on whether therapist emotions have a place in the therapy process or not (as evidenced by the range of responses you've got so far).

For me I do sometimes show that I'm tearful or affected by something someone has told me, but would also try to be clear that I'm ok (without making it about me!). All of the stuff that people have already said about supervision etc stands and I think bringing this up next time in therapy is a really good suggestion.

Also, it depends on the kind of crying! A bit wet around the eyes or quick dab with a tissue then carry on is ok in my view, the therapist sobbing in a ball on the floor while you comfort them might be a bridge too far.