I made my therapist cry - feel a bit guilty?

[feelabitguilty]

I was talking to her/explaining an event in my childhood and I could tell she was quite emotional/tearful by what I’d said . I feel a bit bad now ... what I had told her was upsetting but I already knew those things - to me it’s like writing a story about a fictional character - and so it doesn’t tend to bother me in the same way although perhaps they should . I can see that others would be upset by it .

I remember I had similar experiences when I worked directly with clients/patients that sometimes a story or a particular person would stick with you and I did feel tearful at times - and did express that to a couple of patients ... I think it’s a very healthy thing and an important part of showing empathy when it’s well judged . So I’m not sure why I feel a bit wobbly when the shoe is on the other foot; so to speak!

I haven’t done anything awful by bringing her to tears have I? She’s a lovely kind, gentle person .

It does make me realise that actually my feelings are right and OK (in terms of feeling trauma) - I remember similar when my
GP disclosed to me years ago when I told her I was scared of something, and she said she was also a bit nervous - it made me feel a bit better, that I wasn’t being stupid or silly (I was much younger in that example) .

Just wondering if anyone else has similar experience - from either side - this is OK isn’t it?

While I understand about the therapist being human etc, this could be problematic in the therapy. I was in analysis for a couple of years. Having a tough time and did feel emotionally held by the therapist which helped at the time. A couple of years after the end of the therapy she called me with a problem of her own (I am so a mental health professional and she wanted advice about a close family member's acute mental health problems, which she described in detail to me). I was quite upset about this, her being the vulnerable one who was needing my help really shook me. I know she is a human with human problems but her seeking help from me basically destroyed my whole feeling about the therapy and pretty much invalidated the whole thing for me. Maybe not fair at all but that is how it felt.

That isn’t true
I’ve sat with parents who’s children are dying and cried but I am crying for them not myself. No parent has ever thought I’ve made it about myself, more appreciated the empathy I have towards them and their child

@RicherThanYew

It sounds like your therapists emotional response has validated your trauma, I wonder if you would now feel able to tell someone again about your experience without the same feeling of detachment?

I think that makes sense yes. I definitely had a good cry at it all last night and felt a bit, oh my goodness, this happened and this was horrible and I must have felt so scared . In a way I’ve never felt able to face before .

There is something very specific that triggers off those feelings - a couple of things . Every time I’ve gotten upset before I’ve sort of slammed the lid shut on it as I’m scared to feel anything and I physically avoid the triggers . I do feel like therapist’s reaction has made me feel I too, could allow myself to feel a bit tearful and angry and frightened without it being dangerous iyswim . I wish I could sit and cry about it properly with someone but never have been able to .

@feelabitguilty therapists have Co therapists to help them deal with the trauma their patients disclose xxx you're fine and so is she

A couple of years after the end of the therapy she called me with a problem of her own (I am so a mental health professional and she wanted advice about a close family member's acute mental health problems, which she described in detail to me).

For me that feels like overstepping boundaries, presumably she called you because she knew you through therapy, rather than her being referred to your service. I’d be uncomfortable that she had retained my contact details and used them for her personal reasons, albeit they might have been wholly relevant to your profession etc. And she shared her personal circumstances with you which is always tricky.

It’s one thing showing emotion for a client in session and quite another disclosing your own stuff, albeit long after the therapy ended. I’d have been unsettled by that too.

@theDudesmummy

While I understand about the therapist being human etc, this could be problematic in the therapy. I was in analysis for a couple of years. Having a tough time and did feel emotionally held by the therapist which helped at the time. A couple of years after the end of the therapy she called me with a problem of her own (I am so a mental health professional and she wanted advice about a close family member's acute mental health problems, which she described in detail to me). I was quite upset about this, her being the vulnerable one who was needing my help really shook me. I know she is a human with human problems but her seeking help from me basically destroyed my whole feeling about the therapy and pretty much invalidated the whole thing for me. Maybe not fair at all but that is how it felt.

Fucking hell that’s so inappropriate! Analysts are meant to be the most ‘blank slate’ of all too!

I've only cried once (in 30 years) with a patient. It was a young single Mum, living in utter poverty who came back to tell me she had got the benefits I helped her apply for.
They were happy tears.

Hmmm yes she is human but I think it's an unhelpful reaction. How would you now feel going back and revisiting the event that made them cry? If it's going to inhibit you then it's going to hinder your progress surely?

A friend of mine served in Afghanistan and the things she described to her therapist made the therapist cry multiple times. She felt she had to leave and never got the full therapy she needed as she was then concerned that her experiences would be 'too much' for someone to handle

She's human.

Ps I can see how the therapist crying once validates your experience but you shouldn't need to comfort your therapist! That would be crazy!

Yes, I thought it was very inappropriate as well. I was very upset at the time, it just felt so "wrong". She had kept my mobile number and called me out of the blue. I did give her some advice about accessing services etc, and tried my best to be empathetic, but vowed not to answer her calls after that. She didn't call me again. I might have been inadvertently a bit icy while talking to her.

I would feel immensely embarassed and guilty if my therapist wept.

As this is a majority British website, I'm not surprised that most people here wouldn't be comfortable with their therapist crying in session. A lot of stuff you find online about therapy and what's acceptable is American, and based on their mainstream cultural norms. A culturally-sensitive therapist shouldn't IMO allow their tearfulness to show in session in a mainstream British cultural context, unless they know their client well enough to know that it would be therapeutically beneficial — it's inappropriate IMO.

I’m a therapist based in the U.K. and know many therapists who would express emotion during sessions. Not to detract from the clients process, there’s also considerable research in this area undertaken in the U.K. what a strange assumption to make.

There are a lot of sweeping statements about "bad" therapists here. Some models of therapy are relational and expressive, others are analytical and unemotional, neither are necessarily wrong or unprofessional.

And have you disregarded the various posters who found their therapists emotional response to them helpful and facilitative?

Jelly there's a difference between expressing emotion and actual tears. In most British cultural contexts, even now, it's expected that tears will be held back unless they really can't be. Visible tears, especially in someone you'd expect to act professionally, would tend to signify extreme emotion to most British people, and I don't think it's necessarily helpful to give the client the impression they've triggered extreme emotion to the extent that the therapist cannot control their reaction.

And I did caveat my statement by saying that it's up to the therapist to judge if it would be helpful if they know the client well enough.

For me, my therapist crying at something I said would be the end of that therapeutic relationship. I wouldn't feel emotionally safe with them.

I used to work in (NHS) mental health clinical services and think the therapist should refer you to one of her colleagues

This. I very strongly would not want a therapist to do this, and it would affect how openly I communicated in future.

For me, my therapist crying at something I said would be the end of that therapeutic relationship. I wouldn't feel emotionally safe with them.

And for me knowing my therapist cared for me and felt for me when I couldn’t feel for myself was so key to the therapy, I wouldn’t feel emotionally safe with someone who didn’t show emotion. We’re all different and need different things but to dress that up as “British people are uncomfortable with tears” is stereotypical at best.

It’s ok that you wouldn’t want to see emotion in your therapist, it’s ok that I found it helpful, different strokes for different folks and there are therapists of various modalities who will be a good fit for us both - neither are inherently wrong or unprofessional even in a British context.

@FrankensteinIsTheMonster

Jelly there's a difference between expressing emotion and actual tears. In most British cultural contexts, even now, it's expected that tears will be held back unless they really can't be. Visible tears, especially in someone you'd expect to act professionally, would tend to signify extreme emotion to most British people, and I don't think it's necessarily helpful to give the client the impression they've triggered extreme emotion to the extent that the therapist cannot control their reaction.

I disagree with that. Proper sobbing, yes, but just having tears in your eyes in public or at work when talking about a sad event is not unusual and wouldn't signify 'extreme emotion' to me.

Wow so many posters so terrified of emotion! Very British 😂

It's fine. Different types of therapy, and as so many have pointed out, she is human and demonstrating an appropriate response to a traumatic story. From what you describe she is still in control, not weeping and wailing. She sounds lovely.

Jelly, stereotypes are often based on a reality. The reality in this situation is that in mainstream British culture, it's considered polite to hold back your tears in most contexts. Therefore, allowing the tears to flow communicates something that the same action wouldn't communicate in a culture where conventions around crying are different.

Unless the therapist knows the individual client well enough to know that the client would benefit from the therapist acting outside the dominant cultural norms that the relationship operates within, then yeah, I think the therapist crying in session is inappropriate and potentially harmful. Even if for you specifically, you get off on making people cry.

'Cried' is having tears run down your cheeks.

'Teared up' is very very normal. That's tears in the eyes that don't fall.

It is very normal as a therapist to see clients disconnected from their feelings and feel the feelings underneath their reaction - that's empathy.

When I have tears in my eyes they're never mine.

(Psychotherapist 20 years now)

digest.bps.org.uk/2013/03/28/older-more-experienced-therapists-cry-more-often-in-therapy/