I made my therapist cry - feel a bit guilty?

[feelabitguilty]

I was talking to her/explaining an event in my childhood and I could tell she was quite emotional/tearful by what I’d said . I feel a bit bad now ... what I had told her was upsetting but I already knew those things - to me it’s like writing a story about a fictional character - and so it doesn’t tend to bother me in the same way although perhaps they should . I can see that others would be upset by it .

I remember I had similar experiences when I worked directly with clients/patients that sometimes a story or a particular person would stick with you and I did feel tearful at times - and did express that to a couple of patients ... I think it’s a very healthy thing and an important part of showing empathy when it’s well judged . So I’m not sure why I feel a bit wobbly when the shoe is on the other foot; so to speak!

I haven’t done anything awful by bringing her to tears have I? She’s a lovely kind, gentle person .

It does make me realise that actually my feelings are right and OK (in terms of feeling trauma) - I remember similar when my
GP disclosed to me years ago when I told her I was scared of something, and she said she was also a bit nervous - it made me feel a bit better, that I wasn’t being stupid or silly (I was much younger in that example) .

Just wondering if anyone else has similar experience - from either side - this is OK isn’t it?

I’d find a new therapist, given that you’re worried your upset her will you feel like you’re holding back in later sessions?

I felt incredibly uncomfortable and vulnerable when a therapist did this. I think she thought she was expressing empathy but it made me feel unsafe and I didn't want to tell her anything after that.

@Jellycatspyjamas

It depends on what you mean by crying, a tear or tearful eyes as opposed to proper crying. Did she say anything or acknowledge her feelings about what you were saying?

I’ve occasionally felt tearful with my clients, when it’s happened I’ve explained why and also explained that I’m ok, just touched by what they’ve said. I think as long as it’s addressed in the room it can be therapeutic, it can help some folk who are very detached from their feelings to see how someone else offers empathy for them.

It does sound like what you’re saying matches to my experience. Not even proper crying just slightly tearful .

She’s a lovely, lovely person and is really helping me .

I think that makes sense; I felt totally detached from what I was saying and almost said it like a story - totally flat . I did have a cry last night after talking to her because I thought, hells teeth, she’s right, that was horrible .

I think I’ll mention it by saying I’m worried I might upset her by talking and see what her reaction is . I desperately don’t want to have to change therapist or anything as she is helping, just I panicked thinking I’d maybe shared too much .

I had forgotten that about clinical supervision yes .

@FudgeSundae

She’s not a good therapist. Therapists are supposed to help contain their patients’ feelings in a safe way - not be overwhelmed by them.

This is what I was trying to say earlier but didn’t word it properly.

Therapists are trained not to do this, so if you trigger her she really needs to refer you to someone else. How can she appropriately help you if she has a strong emotional response to your problems? You’re supposed to be seeing a professional after all, not a pal

Not a therapist but a related field.. I don't mind showing emotion in my work, and have had tears in my eyes at times, but I stay completely composed for the client and name it: "what you just said is really powerful and I'm having an emotional response, it's only natural to be moved etc but I'm very much still present with you please carry on.."

I've made mine look horrified when I told him about something, it actually really helped. I felt validated if you know what I mean, something I'd kept hidden was bloody awful and was something you would help with.

I think that makes sense; I felt totally detached from what I was saying and almost said it like a story - totally flat . I did have a cry last night after talking to her because I thought, hells teeth, she’s right, that was horrible

That can sometimes be the value of showing emotion in therapy, by being with someone who shows empathy for you, you can learn to have empathy for yourself. In the modality I practice your therapists response would be fine - with the usual caveat that she’s in supervision, is able to talk about it with you and reassure you she’s ok and doesn’t need you to protect her.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with her, and she’s helping you so I’d hang in there unless there was anything else worrying you. Don’t worry about her, she honestly can look after herself, modelling empathy, acceptance of the whole of your story (including the parts that are touching) is important. Yes unconditional positive regard is a key element of person centred therapy, but so is congruence - it sounds like your therapist was very present with you and congruent in her response to what you brought to the session.

Different modalities would say therapist emotion have no place in the therapy room - so responses saying that are ok too.

I think your therapist needs some therapy, this really shouldn’t have happened!

Yes it’s fine and normal and she sounds really nice. It’s great you feel validated (as you should) and I’m glad you have a therapist who cares about you.
I remember telling my therapist about a very upsetting situation and she said ‘I feel like crying’ but she didn’t. But I remember thinking well if you’re upset, it’s okay that I am too

It’s interesting how the people that work/have worked in the industry have a completely different opinion to those who are service users

I can assure you that she went against her training here (although she’s only human)

It’s interesting how the people that work/have worked in the industry have a completely different opinion to those who are service users

I’ve been both - any reputable therapist will have had extensive therapy themselves. There will be different views from therapists depending on their modality and training. And different service users will have different views too based on their needs at the time.

Therapy is a very individual thing, what works for some won’t be ok for others, which is why finding the person with the right fit is important.

I can assure you that she went against her training here (although she’s only human)

Unless you know her training you can’t assure her of that at all.

I think that you would find a range of views in both service users and therapists.

There isn't one type of therapy and there isn't one response to the therapeutic relationship.

There is going to be agreement that a therapist shouldn't dominate the emotional landscape, that they should have clinical supervision to discuss these issues and that their emotional responses shouldn't be something that interferes with therapeutic progress.

But after that different types of therapy, different styles of the therapist and the service users wishes are all going to vary.

Therapists are human and it's ok that she empathised. Just talk to her however you feel

The nurse I disclosed my very violent rape to, I was battered and hurting and I could see my pain reflected. I remember her saying I wasn’t to blame, that if I felt I should let her call the police” she said she had daughters.

I remember her kindness and her name, I frequently think of her being there for me.

It’s fine

There has been a big ongoing debate about this and I remember there was a very interesting programme about showing emotion as a therapist (an episode of All in the Mind on R4 I think). And as a PP said, the debate seems to have advocates on both sides.

I’m a therapist in the NHS and private practice and to my mind it isn’t ideal. Of course she is only human and sometimes it’s really hard hearing what people have experienced but it is all about the client. As soon as we become emotional to that extent we move the focus onto ourselves. I think it must be very disconcerting for a client too. If they are discussing a traumatic event they need a calm listening ear who can help them to unpack events and restructure their thinking. I think the therapeutic alliance is better served by keeping warmth and empathy at the forefront but leaving emotion out of it. I think it’s OK to say that you feel like crying or you found what the client said really hard to hear though.

Her behaviour was fine.Mentoon it next session,it could be valuable

It sounds like your therapists emotional response has validated your trauma, I wonder if you would now feel able to tell someone again about your experience without the same feeling of detachment?

“I think the therapeutic alliance is better served by keeping warmth and empathy at the forefront but leaving emotion out of it.”

I think it varies from client to client. Some clients really benefit from it; others would find it very unsettling - and even just for one client there will be times where it’s helpful and others when it isn’t.

Therapists are humans too. I do think sometimes that it’s forgotten

My therapist has tons of empathy. He’s person centred. He’s heard me tell him all about my child sexual exploitation and the horrors of it. He’s made upset noises on my behalf. Gasps and “oh” in a upset way but it’s controlled. It’s for me. It’s empathy without it feeling like I’ve upset him.
If he had cried I would have run a mile.
She’s over stepped boundaries here. Hopefully she’s a good therapist and will take supervision here and refer you elsewhere.

@RicherThanYew

It sounds like your therapists emotional response has validated your trauma, I wonder if you would now feel able to tell someone again about your experience without the same feeling of detachment?

I agree with this.

Similar happened in my therapy. I told my therapist something horrific from my past and she looked tearful. Like you, we had already built up a good connection for months before that and I knew she wasn't trying to muscle in on my pain or make it about her; she knew me and empathised. It was a really validating experience for me. I wouldn't want a therapist who was robotically reciting "And how did that make you feeeeel?" while I bared my soul.

All therapies are different though. I needed a human connection, some people need distance.

As soon as we become emotional to that extent we move the focus onto ourselves.

I think it depends, it’s possible to have an emotion response without being overcome by it, and to be tearful without being overwhelmed. Different ways of working are based on different understandings of how people heal and recover and different therapists will offer different kinds of support.

In terms of trauma research shows people need to be able to process events cognitively and emotionally which can be very hard when the client for many reasons can’t access or express emotion. An open, empathic therapist who can model an emotional response can, as previous posters have said, really help in enabling them to touch their own emotions.

For some clients that can feel like an overstepping, for others it can be hugely facilitative. There’s a lot of debate and research in this area, with no right or wrong, just what works for the client.

I made my therapist cry, we were doing a mental exercise going over a past experience that stuck with me, it was highly emotional and difficult for me, it took a lot of energy and bravery for me to face it and I ended up in tears along with my therapist.
She was truly a wonderful therapist and she understood my difficulties really well. She apologised for crying and I also felt a bit guilty but I also felt relief, that my own feelings were also valid and it was ok to find the situation hard and it’s ok that it stuck with me. I haven’t gotten over it yet but it doesn’t have the same impact on me anymore and I owe a lot to my therapist as she really did help me through some difficult things.