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Original poster

Older children distraught at pregnancy- help!

121 replies

Mich86ellen · 07/06/2021 11:10

Please tell me this gets better.
We told the children at the weekend that I’m expecting a baby. My youngest is 10 and eldest 12. The baby will be a half brother/ sister and I have been with new partner and living as a family for 4 yrs so they know partner, his children and get along well. We’ve had a few teething problems with their relationship but nothing that hasn’t been resolved and certainly nothing that’s a long term problem.
Anyway, I told the children on my own on Saturday and they both sobbed and said that they really don’t want it and can I get it taken out so it doesn’t need to be born.
I’ve let the idea sink in over the last couple of days and their opinion doesn’t seem to have changed in the slightest.
I feel like I’m about to ruin their lives right now and have no idea how to move forward. Please tell me this will get easier because right now I feel like my son hates me and my daughter is adamant I’ll make this problem disappear.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 07/06/2021 11:12

Ignore them. They don’t get a say in this.

Helenahandbasket1 · 07/06/2021 11:13

Have they given you any idea why they’re so distressed by it? Perhaps they just need some reassurance.
Congratulations on your pregnancy

CoffeeAndCaramel · 07/06/2021 11:15

Unless there is a back story as to why they are feeling so negative about this quite frankly they are going to have to get used to the idea! I'm sure they will come round x

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Tatum1234 · 07/06/2021 11:17

It’s not up to them, ignore them.

Seainasive · 07/06/2021 11:17

Of course they are not going to be happy to share you with a new baby! They’ve already had to get used to sharing you with your new partner and his children. They’ll get over it in time and will come to love their new sibling. Your daughter is old enough to understand that some comments are hurtful and that telling you to make the baby go away is unacceptable.

PansyIvy · 07/06/2021 11:18

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Has the pregnancy come out of the blue for your children? Was the possibility of you having a baby ever mentioned? It sounds like they are in shock and denial.

I think it’s understandable for them to feel this way, and for it to take a few months for them to adjust to the idea. It will be a huge change in their lives and I think even an adult would struggle with hearing that their lives will change irrevocably in the coming months. They might need lots of reassurance around aspects that will stay the same.

Ragoo · 07/06/2021 11:21

You're the mum. It isn't their decision.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/06/2021 11:24

I'd be worried that there was something going on you don't know about. Could their Dad have told the children that if this happened you wouldn't be interested in them anymore? I had a child in similar circumstances and my older children were excited to have a baby brother.

Piemam · 07/06/2021 11:29

Your relationship and family dynamic seem very well established so perhaps as previous posters have said, it is just a shock. Agreed that you have to be firm and it is your pregnancy, yours and partner's baby and thus your decision.

This all sounds a little familiar...are you certain that no one else has been talking rubbish about this? My middle child was made up when I was going to have his baby sibling, but his grandparents on ex's side talked trash about it constantly and almost succeeded in putting him off. For what it's worth, the kids have the sweetest ❤ bond now. Good luck.

ChicChaos · 07/06/2021 11:32

We’ve had a few teething problems with their relationship

Is this likely to be the issue?

Serpenta · 07/06/2021 11:33

At a guess I'd say it sounds like they're worried/insecure that you, your partner and the new baby will be a family and that they will be outside of this?

Seeline · 07/06/2021 11:36

What sort of relationship do they have with their Dad/your ex?

COuld someone have been sowing seeds of doubt?

Keepitcleanplease · 07/06/2021 11:36

I think their feelings are understandable. You have already taken on a new boyfriend and new children and now you are having a new baby. It's not ideal for them.

Melitza · 07/06/2021 11:37

You'll ruin their lives much more if you terminate the pregnancy for your dc.
Imagine the resentment on your part.
And imagine in 8 or 10 years time when your dc understand exactly what they asked you to do.

You have to make it clear that you intend to have the baby (presuming you do) even as you discuss their concerns.
My dh and his sibling were the exact same ages when their youngest sibling was born and were very excited apparently.

sparemonitor · 07/06/2021 11:38

TBH, for kids of that age, having a new baby in the house has limited benefits. The new baby will take your time away from your existing children and will limit things like the holidays that you can take as they will have to be child friendly. They will never be siblings in the same way as they were to each other, the little one will only just be starting school when your oldest is off to uni. Did you expect them to be thrilled?

Excilente · 07/06/2021 11:40

this is one of those instances where they need to be told to get over themselves, stop being so selfish and grow up/suck it up (nicely of course)

ThePlantsitter · 07/06/2021 11:42

Sorry but a 12 year old saying 'can you get it taken out so it doesn't need to be born' would get short shrift from me, and I'm a very softly-softly parent.

It's not that surprising they're not happy tbh but all you can do to move forward is let time do its work and keep communicating openly about what's happening with the baby, demonstratively loving your kids in the usual way, and hope it comes out in the wash. Don't be tempted not to talk about it so you don't upset them. This is happening and they need to get used to it.

greyinganddecaying · 07/06/2021 11:43

Hmm - I had a similar experience as a child and was not impressed!
It's a tricky age and age gap.

Unless there's something going on that makes them unhappy with your partner/his kids that will be made worse by this (which you need to make sure about), they're just going to need to get used to it.

But it's natural for kids to feel pushed out in this situation and you're going to need to put in a lot of effort to make them still feel wanted/loved, as babies take up a huge amount of time/headspace.

bumbledeedum · 07/06/2021 11:44

I'm pretty surprised by the replies here. There was a thread not that long ago about having a new baby into a blended family and a good 90% said it left existing children feeling resentful and rightfully so that they would only be 'half family' of the parents and the new baby would be 'full family' and there all the time.
Did you not think about their reactions or discuss the possibility of a new sibling before going ahead? I'm surprised you're so surprised by their response.

Hoppinggreen · 07/06/2021 11:45

Well unfortunately it’s too late now and hopefully they will come round but there’s no guarantee, would have been good to sound them out a bit first.
I would have been utterly devastated in their position but you are going to have to try and find a way to manage it and hope they warm to the idea

FeatheredHope · 07/06/2021 11:45

I’m not sure many 10 & 12 year olds would be thrilled about a pregnancy, regardless of the family set up. Why would they be? At this point probably all they can see if the baby being the centre of attention and focus and the negative impacts that might have on their family life and relationship with you. But they will adjust but it is going to bring about big changes to your household.

grapewine · 07/06/2021 11:45

@Keepitcleanplease

I think their feelings are understandable. You have already taken on a new boyfriend and new children and now you are having a new baby. It's not ideal for them.

I have to say I agree with this, and one of them is a pre-teen. I wouldn't be thrilled either in their place. If you expected them to be, you're a bit unreasonable.

You're the parent, it's your decision. But I wouldn't just dismiss this either.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 07/06/2021 11:48

I think your idea of what is a long term problem, or teething issues are probably very different from how your 10 and 12 year old feel. I can understand their reactions, to be honest - there will be an element of them putting up with the blended family/new partner as they don’t have a choice, but introducing a new baby who is a “native” (for want of a better word) of the blended family will just highlight how they aren’t.

CutieBear · 07/06/2021 11:51

Your DC have legitimate concerns that everyone’s lives will revolve around the youngest. It’s a huge age gap. All family activities will have to be baby/child friendly for the youngest. Even if these activities do not interest the older 2. Your DC are now going (or about to go) through puberty and they may might minimise their worries in their teens because you’re focusing on the baby/toddler.

Huge age gaps are problematic in full blood siblings, let alone blended families.

OasthouseAlan · 07/06/2021 11:54

I think it's understandable they'd be shocked. They must have had a fair few changes in their young lives so far so this is another unexpected time of uncertainty for them. They'll come around eventually and once baby is here they will likely be excited. I was about 13 when I went through similar and was so cross/upset with my mum but when my sister was born it all went away and I have a great relationship with her, probably better than the siblings closer to my age.

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