Older children distraught at pregnancy- help!

[Mich86ellen]

Please tell me this gets better.
We told the children at the weekend that I’m expecting a baby. My youngest is 10 and eldest 12. The baby will be a half brother/ sister and I have been with new partner and living as a family for 4 yrs so they know partner, his children and get along well. We’ve had a few teething problems with their relationship but nothing that hasn’t been resolved and certainly nothing that’s a long term problem.
Anyway, I told the children on my own on Saturday and they both sobbed and said that they really don’t want it and can I get it taken out so it doesn’t need to be born.
I’ve let the idea sink in over the last couple of days and their opinion doesn’t seem to have changed in the slightest.
I feel like I’m about to ruin their lives right now and have no idea how to move forward. Please tell me this will get easier because right now I feel like my son hates me and my daughter is adamant I’ll make this problem disappear.

My parents had another dc when i was 13 nearl 14 i wa smortifeid and yes jealous was havng a tough tme already i guess i got used to the baby but our age gap meant i just wasnt interested till she was older

Didnt really make my point give them time and try to include them in everything but dont push it too much

When I found out I was pregnant it was completely out the blue as we had written off ever getting pregnant. When I told my daughter who was 11 at the time (12 when baby was born) her reaction was identical to your DCs. She was sobbing and told me she was used to having us all to herself and the rest of the family gave her a lot of attention too and realised the baby will be getting all the attention and she will be ‘forgotten’
I had to constantly reassure her and with time she got better but I felt I couldn’t openly enjoy my pregnancy. As soon as baby arrived she was hot and cold with him. Now he’s 4 months and wants to interact with her she’s totally smitten.
It will get better but they need to understand baby is coming no matter how they feel.
Allow the news to sink in and give them time. Speak to them about it when they want to talk about it.
It does get better

Everyone in the comments are treating Op like a criminal for daring to have another child while she has older children (she didn’t even plan the pregnancy). Everyone needs to grow up and stop pretending we all live perfect lives. So what if op planned the pregnancy too? No, it isn’t necessary to discuss our plans to have more children with our children. I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous. The kids might take time to adjust but they’ll get over it, heck, it might even enrich their lives when the baby is here. Not all tweens/teens are heartless monsters that want to horde all available resources to themselves, while viewing potential siblings as inconvenient threats. I come from a blended family. Please stop projecting your own feelings on to OP’s situation. The kids are shocked, they’re emotionally young but old enough to realise it’s a big change to the status quo. Their initial reactions were so negative somewhat because of this. Most kids don’t grow into adults wishing their siblings weren’t born because of an age gap (unless there has been a major parenting fail). The end. They will be fine. OP’s son is already warming to the idea. Why does everyone become to negative when people step away for the nuclear 2-child-in 2-years formula?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, op.

Well, there is literally zero upside for them is there? It’s all negatives?

Less space. Less time with you. Less attention. Less money to go round. A noisy baby in the house. A toddler who will get in their way and break things. You won’t be able to do all the tween/teenager things with them, because, baby/toddler. Oh, and it will probably bring info focus that the man they live with isn’t their dad, and there will be a difference in the way the baby is treated.

I am the eldest of what would now be considered a large family.
My parents are still together so I can't talk about the blended aspect but I remember being gutted at the news of every new baby except the first because I was only two....but apparently I suggested sending her back and tried to give her away to a visitor when she was newborn so I probably wasn't thrilled with her either
I was the age of your eldest when the youngest was born and all I could see was the downsides, more babysitting, less attention, even less fun with my friends as babies cost money etc
I love him now and he's one of my favourite siblings.
If my parents had done things to suit me I would be an only and my life would be much less rich without my siblings.
You sound a kind and understanding mother, so just keep being there and listening and when their new sibling arrives there will come a day when they know they love them as fiercely as they love each other now.

Mine were 10 and 12 when I fell with no.3
10 year old sobbed. She hated the whole idea
Mortified that her ancient parents (of 38) did what was needed to get pregnant!
When dd3 was born, she loved her and all that.
But if you say "could you imagine life without her?" The answer is always "yes"

I'm flabbergasted by posters saying it's nothing to do with them. Of course it is!

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP but did you not think about how your children might feel? New siblings with a new partner can have a real emotional impact on children, I hope they are able to come to terms with what you've done.

But my daughter in particular (now 10) would not want to share our home with another adult and absolutely would not want me or her Dad to have a child with anyone else
I’m sorry but at what point do you become a person and not a require permission from your child?
I hope they are able to come to terms with what you've done
Seriously? god forbid there’s life after divorce and we don’t get down and beg our kids to be allowed to have a life!
The comments on here are verging on unhinged, OP isn’t locking them in a tower ffs, they will adapt.
Congratulations OP

@ladygindiva To my shock and surprise my 18 year old dd was horrified when I told her I was having a baby with dp.

This was me with my mum. I never actually told her how I felt, but maybe she worked it out? I'm not sure.

Honestly it came from the selfish place of wanting her to be a "real" gran to my kids, and a "real" adult mum to me. By real adult mum I mean the things adult DDs with their mums, you know? Shopping on a Saturday morning without a pushchair. Sharing a bottle of wine on a Friday night without breastfeeding.

I had the best memories of doing things with her and her mum (my gran) all through my childhood and I knew that would never happen for my kids / would stop for us.

Which came true.

But ten years on I wouldn't change it. I love my siblings, although more like DNs than the sibling I was raised with. My relationship with my mum is more like sisters, and our children are more like typical cousins than aunts / uncles / DNs. We're each others babysitters, emergency childcare and even worked around each other for a few years to save on childcare.

So I obviously wouldn't change it for the world but yes, when she told me, I didn't take it very well .

Am amazed that children can dictate to parents over their own lives.
when we grow up we learn that life can be unpredictable so this can be a good life lesson for them.
Also th e importance of contraception for them as they grow up.

The upside to this situation can be the love in the home can grow. In a few more years your kids will be pulling away to live their own lives.....

@HerMammy

But my daughter in particular (now 10) would not want to share our home with another adult and absolutely would not want me or her Dad to have a child with anyone else I’m sorry but at what point do you become a person and not a require permission from your child? I hope they are able to come to terms with what you've done Seriously? god forbid there’s life after divorce and we don’t get down and beg our kids to be allowed to have a life! The comments on here are verging on unhinged, OP isn’t locking them in a tower ffs, they will adapt. Congratulations OP

It is not about requiring permission, it is about knowing what the cost could potentially be to the most important relationships in my life and to the wellbeing of the people that I am primarily responsible for. And knowing that having already changed their lives irrevocably by leaving their father, no way would I bring about further significant change for them. I date and am in the early stages of a relationship with a man who feels just as I do in not wanting to ever go the whole hog again, I have a great life, I think two children is enough in any case and my children are happy and settled. This is more than enough for me.

I've got a slightly bigger gap with my first two and the two from second marriage. I was very lucky and had no issues but I met two other women in a similar position at antenatal and their kids were fine once the baby was born. I remember seeing them at a get together and they seemed very happy with the little ones.

Mine are close and the one thing that upsets them is if someone (MIL!) says they are half siblings. Their reply is a resounding No, there's no halves in this family.

Good luck, hope it works out for you.

How many 12-year-olds would be thrilled about a new baby, whatever the family set-up? let alone after so much disruption in their lives. It does seem rather a self-indulgent decision at their expense.

New siblings with a new partner can have a real emotional impact on children, I hope they are able to come to terms with what you've done.

For goodness' sake--she's conceived a child, not robbed a bank or thrown somebody out of a helicopter.

Sounds like there's already been some improvement @Mich86ellen . It'll be ok xx

@katy1213

How many 12-year-olds would be thrilled about a new baby, whatever the family set-up? let alone after so much disruption in their lives. It does seem rather a self-indulgent decision at their expense.

Well I haven't counted but I do know that when I was 12 or 13 a girl in my class at school had a new baby sister. We were all jealous and she was thrilled.

Some kids will be upset, some won't be interested and some will be thrilled. They will all have to get used to it.

How many 12-year-olds would be thrilled about a new baby, whatever the family set-up?

@katy1213 Why would they be upset by it? There's no recent upheaval- OP has been with her partner for years.

I don't get it TBH, though I understand it in the case of the one with ASD, as change can be disconcerting for them.

@Mich86ellen Sounds like it was just a bit of a shock and they're already coming round to the idea.

I don't think I would've been upset by the idea of having a baby sister or anything. I'd just have seen it as a thing that was happening.

This isn't about them being jealous of having a new baby sibling. Their feelings are to do with their mother having a baby with someone who's not their dad. They are going to be the "other" in your house now. Even at their age they understand that they're the odd ones out.

Shocked at some of the replies. Of course it's not up to them. But they need reassurance and comfort that they'll still be loved and valued and will have their place in the family intact.

I’m sure I wouldn’t have taken it well. They already have an extra 2 siblings in their lives with their step siblings, who they have to share their home with. Don’t know if there are anymore on their dad’s side. Now a new baby who will live 100% of the time in their home whereas I assume they split their time between 2 houses.

I remember a thread from a few years ago when a mum was on here wondering why her 12yo daughter seemed to be struggling. She was in a blended family. Before her parents had divorced she had one younger sibling. Then both the parents got together with new partners who had children and then both her parents had children with the new partners. So she had gone from having one sibling to having about 12. It was only when the mum wrote it down explaining the family make up that she understood why her daughter was struggling. I think it is really important to consider children in blended families. Their lives have changed so much with their parents divorcing and then having to accept a new adult in the house. I think for some people it is too easy to get swept up in the new relationship and just expect the children to get on with it.

My best friend's mum had a late baby (same father) when BF was 18 - the older children (all teens) were totally disgusted at the thought of their parents still "doing it", and took some time to adjust to the idea of her having another baby - but they all came round and got used to the idea. They adjusted.

Yours will too - sounds like your DS is getting there. As your DD is ASD, then it may be more difficult for her to adjust but I hope that she will come around too.

I agree that you can't ignore them entirely, but I don't suppose anyone actually meant that - they just meant to ignore their insistence that you should terminate the pregnancy, as it's not their decision at all.

Good luck and congratulations!

Coming from the child's perspective, my mum announced she was pregnant with my brother when I was 11 and my sister was 7. My sister had no issue but I threw a massive tantrum and just wouldn't acknowledge anything baby related. But as soon as he was born and I met him all that went away.
8 years later my mum announced she was pregnant again but this time I was happy and excited but my sister who was 15 wasn't at all. She cried and said how embarrassing it is etc.
Fast forward 2 years my sister and 2 year old brother are now inseparable.
I can't speak from a blended family pov but I think its such a nice thing to have big age gaps, I feel like I've really gotten to spoil my little brothers and its been so nice to watch them grow up. I was worried about friends thinking it was weird my parents having another kid while I was at uni but they all love him and he now has even more people to spoil him:)

Sounds like they've been jerked around a lot in their young lives. Can't say I blame them resisting yet another sign that mom's love life is more important than maintaining a stable life for them after the first botch job with their father(s).

It probably can work but will take a lot of emotional intelligence from you both to manage this well. I was one of the children in a similar scenario. I felt insecure due to mum’s new relationship.