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Original poster

Older children distraught at pregnancy- help!

121 replies

Mich86ellen · 07/06/2021 11:10

Please tell me this gets better.
We told the children at the weekend that I’m expecting a baby. My youngest is 10 and eldest 12. The baby will be a half brother/ sister and I have been with new partner and living as a family for 4 yrs so they know partner, his children and get along well. We’ve had a few teething problems with their relationship but nothing that hasn’t been resolved and certainly nothing that’s a long term problem.
Anyway, I told the children on my own on Saturday and they both sobbed and said that they really don’t want it and can I get it taken out so it doesn’t need to be born.
I’ve let the idea sink in over the last couple of days and their opinion doesn’t seem to have changed in the slightest.
I feel like I’m about to ruin their lives right now and have no idea how to move forward. Please tell me this will get easier because right now I feel like my son hates me and my daughter is adamant I’ll make this problem disappear.

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 08/06/2021 01:21

Well it's hard for them with separation, new partner. Now this cements it.

They will be worried about their place in your affections I suppose. Split from dad what if you split from them too, prefer new baby new family.

They are young.

I'd go for. Well I'm having a baby. But I love you both more than anything. Shower with affection and love. Get them involved in pregnancy once they've had time to settle in. I dunno. Tell them you'll count on them to help as baby will be tiny. Baby will be totally impressed and in awe of big bro and sis.

That sort of stuff.

IJustLikeBiscuitsOK · 08/06/2021 01:22

My childhood best friend went from being an only child to a single Mum for 16 years, to sibling by the time she was 17. It went down like a sack of lead balloons, I remember she slept at mine for about 3 weeks when she first found out... She was a lovely girl too, not selfish or anything, I think she was just mortified that her Mum had had sex and worried she wouldn't know how to be a good sister (me and my sister weren't exactly role models, we hated each other). Fast forward to baby being born and she was besotted. However, now her little sister is pre-teen they are really back to ignoring each other, the age gap is a bit too big right now. I'm sure when her little sister is mid teens they'll be back to being really close again. Your children will come around, just give them some time and lots of reassurance. Out of curiosity, how did DP's children take it, could they help your two adjust?

earthyfire · 08/06/2021 01:38

I was 12 and my sibling 9 when our mum had another baby, we were both thrilled and despite the age gap we all got on well and still do. I'm sure it's just a bit of a shock to them, but as long as you reassure and involve them as much as possible they will soon get used to the idea.

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Families

Stanleysaysyes · 08/06/2021 01:42

Did you rtt where it said the op's daughter has autism?

I can't believe the abrupt one liners on here saying "ignore them, it's not their decision" etc.etc. This event will completely change the dynamic of the house, over which the older DC have no control at all. And they are bound to feel sidelined and jealous. After all, the new baby will have both it's parents living at home when they do not. It's a very complicated situation and has to be handled very sensitively.

Stanleysaysyes · 08/06/2021 01:47

Did you rtt where it said the op's daughter has autism?

Sorry the quote didn't appear!

My post was in response to the poster who said op's DC used infantalised language for their age.

musthavebeenlove · 08/06/2021 01:49

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I didn’t see any judgemental comments here.
Only comments of those who say they understand the children’s feelings and that they should not me minimized. Which I wholeheartedly agree with.
Your DC feel insecure, even if the baby had the same dad as them they might not have been thrilled about the news but the fact that you’re having a baby with your new partner highlights even more that they’re the kids from the previous marriage. Is it really so difficult to understand that they feel insecure and need reassurance that they’re still as much loved and important as they were before? Imagine you were their age and in this situation, isn’t there a big chance that you would feel the same way?

The comment from the 12 year old about the termination is horrible though, I agree with you and understand that it must have been very painful to hear this but remember at 12 she’s still just a child, she said something out of emotion/shock/anger and she’ll cringe at the memory in a few years time.

The best you can do is lots of reassurance and accept their feelings for what they are now, very likely they’ll come around but they need time.

frankenpoodle · 08/06/2021 02:18

As you've acknowledged, the situation is complicated by the fact that the baby is proof that their old family unit/dynamic is truly a thing of the past, etc.

That said, if they continue acting this way, they're old enough to be told that it's hurtful. They don't have to be thrilled about it, but this baby will be a part of their lives soon, and they need to accept that and stop saying mean things.

I'd reassure them that no matter what, you'll love them the same as you always have, etc. Put emphasis on the positives: How sweet and funny a baby is, how they will be able to help teach him/her how to talk, read, play games, and how they'll be this baby's heroes in the way that only big brothers and sisters can be.

Derbee · 08/06/2021 02:52

They’ll get over it when their sibling is born.

Taikoo · 08/06/2021 02:54

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Your DC were really out of line to tell you to have a termination.

But I have have to admit that if I was them, I would be distraught too.
It's a very big age gap and their lives are going to be turned upside down.

BeachSunsets · 08/06/2021 02:57

They are being insecure. Potentially concerned that the dynamic will change and the attention will be focussed on the baby. This is not their decision. Don’t let them get to you. Please ignore them. They will get on board with time.

VoluptuaSneezelips · 08/06/2021 03:07

Just seen your thread and wanted to post. My mum had me when my sister was 14 and brother was 10 years old, they were both upset/shocked/disgusted and from what i can gather reacted similar to your children. Fast forward to me actually being born and my siblings were fine with it, they loved me and couldn't so enough for me. Think they were just grossed out about parents having sex plus they just needed time to adjust. So i just wanted to reassure you that im certain all will be fine eventually. Me and my siblings grew very close, my brother would read bedtime stories to me and eventually he was the one who taught me to read when I was 5 yrs old, my sister would cook for me, even grated onions as I wouldnt eat if i could see them in my food, she would also take me on days out with her mates - alton towers, blackpool, chester zoo etc. Have so mny amazing memories in our photo albums and in my head of us all growing up. Im in my 40's now and sadly my sister passed away about 10 years back but me and my bro are still extremely close, call/message each other, hang out together now covid rules are relaxed, our kids adore each other even though mine are 19 and 21 n my niece is 9. He is probably my best friend in the world. My partner is the same with his kid brother who is 10 years younger too.

Daisychainsandglitter · 08/06/2021 03:26

I was 12 when my DM told me she was pregnant with my half brother and like many of the PP's acted with horror and disgust. I was so angry with my mum and refused to acknowledge the pregnancy until he was born.
I had no interest in a baby sibling and I felt the age gap was just too big to have any interest or anything in common with him although my attitude did improve when he was born.
The age gap did mean growing up that we had very little in common. When he was starting school I was approaching 18.
I think your new baby is unlikely to have the closeness your DD and DS have being closer in age but I'm sure they'll come round in time.

Robotindisguise · 08/06/2021 03:35

If your DD is autistic, all change is hard and this is a whopper. See if there are ways you can give her some sort of control - maybe buying things for the nursery etc. Be kind but consistent. And congratulations x

strawberrydonuts · 08/06/2021 04:43

@Mich86ellen

Had a bit of progress with ds tonight. He came in and helped me with laminating stuff and he said it might not be that bad actually as he would like to play football and take it out to places but it needs to be a boy. He said if it’s a girl then we need to bring it up as gender neutral and we can’t ever call it her or she so they will never know what they are and make it play football 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ He also said he wants to decorate the little room and be in charge of choosing toys (although he’s not spending any of his money on it he will spend mine) seems quite chipper and chatty about it all tonight, dd still not wanting to know but that’s okay, she may just need some time and she may start talking more if he becomes a little more accepting xx

Tbh I'm quite concerned about your son's ideas about gender. Why does he think his sibling has to be a boy or gender neutral to play football?

Cadent · 08/06/2021 06:09

He said if it’s a girl then we need to bring it up as gender neutral and we can’t ever call it her or she so they will never know what they are

Really, a child said this?

winched · 08/06/2021 06:17

@Cadent if they're anything like my ten year old and her friends, yes. Tis the way of the world now, apparently

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/06/2021 06:20

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I had two sisters when I was 13and 15 years old. The middle one has emigrated but I'm very close to the youngest and we talk everyday.

I should add I was super pissed off when they arrived, screaming babies when you are a teenager not to mention constant baby sitting duties and a mum who was always tired and grumpy but I wouldn't be without them now. I'm 60 and they are over a decade younger so things have very much evened out. I had no interest in them while they were babies though.

Halliabaloo · 08/06/2021 06:36

Even without the blended family dynamic my 9 year old was distraught when told she was getting a baby brother. She got over it very quickly when he was born.

traumatisednoodle · 08/06/2021 06:39

I was 12 when my DM had DB, full siblings. No divorce, no blended family. I think it affected my relationship with DM for years and TBH although I love him I am not super close to DB.

Pixxie7 · 08/06/2021 06:44

My 2 were 10 and 8 when I fell for my son perhaps I was lucky but they were pleased. I think in your case it’s a matter of reassurance that you are their mum and love them which won’t be changed by a new baby.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 08/06/2021 06:50

Everyone assumes a new baby is a blessing, but it's not always the case and of course they didn't react well.

I'm surprised you are so surprised OP to be honest.

It's not their choice, but people should stop and think about their existing children before bringing new ones into the mix.

justanotherneighinparadise · 08/06/2021 06:56

I’m absolutely sure that once the baby arrives the children will be extremely proud and loving towards their little brother or sister. I too would have probably been unhappy at that age but I’m sure I would have become very maternal once the child was born. You haven’t ruined their lives!!! Congratulations xx

Soontobe60 · 08/06/2021 07:09

Some of the comments on here are awful!
OP, my children were born 10 years apart with different fathers. When I became pregnant with my second child, my eldest was a bit negative, as she was disgusted we had had sex - her words!. We made sure to include her in everything baby related including choosing the names. She very quickly became excited at the idea of a sibling and she absolutely loved / loves her sibling. 15 years on, they are best friends. They don’t see each other as half siblings and we have never referred to them as such.

Soontobe60 · 08/06/2021 07:11

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Everyone assumes a new baby is a blessing, but it's not always the case and of course they didn't react well.

I'm surprised you are so surprised OP to be honest.

It's not their choice, but people should stop and think about their existing children before bringing new ones into the mix.

Did you not read the part where she said her dp was believed to be infertile? How many people really really think about the children they already have before having another?

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 08/06/2021 07:13

@Keepitcleanplease

I think their feelings are understandable. You have already taken on a new boyfriend and new children and now you are having a new baby. It's not ideal for them.

This with bells on. My ex went on to have 3 more dc after we split and expected our older dc to be delighted. They weren't and it has totally changed their relationship with him sadly.

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