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Original poster

Older children distraught at pregnancy- help!

121 replies

Mich86ellen · 07/06/2021 11:10

Please tell me this gets better.
We told the children at the weekend that I’m expecting a baby. My youngest is 10 and eldest 12. The baby will be a half brother/ sister and I have been with new partner and living as a family for 4 yrs so they know partner, his children and get along well. We’ve had a few teething problems with their relationship but nothing that hasn’t been resolved and certainly nothing that’s a long term problem.
Anyway, I told the children on my own on Saturday and they both sobbed and said that they really don’t want it and can I get it taken out so it doesn’t need to be born.
I’ve let the idea sink in over the last couple of days and their opinion doesn’t seem to have changed in the slightest.
I feel like I’m about to ruin their lives right now and have no idea how to move forward. Please tell me this will get easier because right now I feel like my son hates me and my daughter is adamant I’ll make this problem disappear.

OP posts:
Ansjovis · 08/06/2021 07:15

I was in this situation as a child, although I was slightly older than your children are now. The one piece of advice I haven't seen further upthread is to think very hard before you promise them anything. My mother promised me a great many things out of absolute desperation to win me round and then had second thoughts about pretty much everything once I was no longer actively hostile towards the idea of a sibling. I've never forgotten it.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 08/06/2021 07:16

@Excilente

this is one of those instances where they need to be told to get over themselves, stop being so selfish and grow up/suck it up (nicely of course)
Really? So after coping with the divorce of their parents, a new partner and getting used to step siblings etc they are expected to just 'suck it up' You clearly have no idea how traumatic divorce can be for children.
Original poster
Mich86ellen · 08/06/2021 07:34

Thank you!!!! Xx

OP posts:

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Families
HerMammy · 08/06/2021 08:10

@PerveenMistry
Can't say I blame them resisting yet another sign that mom's love life is more important than maintaining a stable life for them after the first botch job with their father(s)
Absolutely disgraceful comment, have you never heard of divorce or 2nd marriages? slanting the blame to the mother for the divorce. I’ll assume you have a perfect life/marriage?
Off back to 1950 for you!
How different the replies would be if OP hadn’t mentioned this pregnancy was with a new partner 🤔 but just an age gap concern.

MaMaD1990 · 08/06/2021 08:19

Your update on your little boy wanting to bring the baby up gender neutral so he can play football with it made me howl 😂 glad he's coming around. Sometimes these things just take some time to get used to. May be a nice idea to go shopping with your DD to let her choose outfits and toys so she feels involved and eases her fears of being put to one side when baby comes. Talk to them both about the things they can help with (cuddles, bath time, feeds if using a bottle etc). It must be a shock for them but it sounds like you're on the right track!

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/06/2021 08:31

Your boy sounds lovely. A great big brother in the making there.

Veronika13 · 08/06/2021 08:31

At that age I just learnt about sex and my friends mum got pregnant, I was mortified for my friend that her mum "has sex".

I know that's how we were born too but to learn what a man does to a woman and an idea of my mum "still" doing it - repulsed me.

It obviously wore off and I've a healthy relationship with sex now, but I think it can be a shock to kids to learn what 'their parents do'. Not sure if that helps but that's how I would have felt as a kid. A 12 yo doesn't want their mum to have sex Smile

AlternativePerspective · 08/06/2021 08:45

How different the replies would be if OP hadn’t mentioned this pregnancy was with a new partner 🤔 but just an age gap concern. I think it’s unrealistic to expect children to be happy about a new sibling when there’s such a big age gap regardless of the family dynamics.

The reality here is that the DD is now 12 so she will be 15/16 before the baby isn’t a baby/screaming toddler any more and can be interacted with in any meaningful sense. They just aren’t going to have the kind of sibling relationship that you are hoping for them to have, and in truth they may never really have a full sibling relationship. When you’re off on child friendly holidays they’ll be wanting to stay home and see their friends/bugger off to Ibiza instead.

I would tell them that the baby is staying, but you do need to recognise that your family dynamic has changed irrevocably now.

My ex has a DS with his DP and my DS was 13 less than happy about it when she fell pregnant. While he does acknowledge that their DS is his little brother he sees him maybe 2/3 times a year. There certainly isn’t a sibling relationship there.

dementedma · 08/06/2021 08:53

My 10 and 12 year old dds were not at all impressed at the unexpected dc3. 12 year old was difficult first few weeks after he was born too, refusing to hold him and saying he was ugly.
Fast forward many years and she is now using her car to teach him to drive. It settles down. 12 is a difficult age as they understand you have had SEX, which is gross!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/06/2021 08:59

@CutieBear, big age gaps in full blood siblings are not necessarily a problem. Dh was a third child, with a 10 year gap between him and no. 4, also a boy. They have always had a good relationship, especially so since both were adults.

Eviethyme · 08/06/2021 09:05

It's obviously up to you not them but I wouldn't be thrilled at my mum having a baby when I was that age. It changes the family dynamic and they are probably sad that you the baby and the baby's father will seem like one happy family whilst they don't get to have there dad with them

dottiedodah · 08/06/2021 09:24

Your DD is coming up to puberty and it will be sooo embarassing for her to realise that yuck her parents still have sex! I think she will come round though .In a few years she will have a ready made job as a babysitter! Just try and give her a bit of space for now . Hurtful comments about making the baby go away arent acceptable though .Just say something like "Babys coming now ,we will still be able to have fun together though. Maybe take her out shopping /to the cinema together .

criminallyinsane · 08/06/2021 09:29

Poor wee things. Poor you, but it would be a mistake to take it personally.

Ask them why they are upset and see if you can get to the bottom of whether there is a negative outside influence to their reaction.

I'd talk up ways in which they can become involved with the baby to reassure them that their position in the family and your affections - which is what this insecurity is all about - is enhanced rather than diminished. "I'll need you two to be in charge of / help me with blah..." etc. Some very important role as they won't be the babies in the family any more. Perhaps choosing new little baby outfits or helping you paint baby's room/space if that is something you're going to do? You'll need lots of love and patience.

Your words of reassurance might not be heard right now if they are so upset, but what you do will convince them one way or the other that the baby is someone wonderful to be excited about in their new roles as older siblings. Enjoy your pregnancy. It will get better!

aSofaNearYou · 08/06/2021 09:44

I don't get why anyone is shocked by people saying "ignore them, they'll get over it" - people aren't saying to say that to THEM, just that OP should ignore their desire for a termination.

I wouldn't worry too much OP, just do the usual things to help put it in a positive light and give it time. This is normal family life.

I have to say though, although it might not be the time to address it since he's being positive, your son's comments about gender, football, and how the baby has to be a boy did make my blood boil a bit. I hope you will address those views before they become more cemented/he imposes them on the baby!

Viviennemary · 08/06/2021 10:53

It is difficult. But you need to have every sympathy for your DC's. You have a new partner who already has children of his own. Then add a baby to the mix. Its a lot of change.

MrsBerthaRochester · 08/06/2021 11:10

This happened to our family. I was 13 and my sister 12. My mum had already left us to live with our grandparents to move in with her partner(who we hated and turned out to be an abusive sociopath)
We were devastated when she told us she was having another baby. She had spent our childhoods pretty much telling us she regretted ever having kids.
When my youngest sister was born it took time to adjust and our relationship was more maternal as our mum left a lot of the looking after to us.
Sadly now I do not have a relationship with either sister due to my mum's mental illness.
Do everything you can to reassure your kids that they and their feelings are still a priority to you. Good luck.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/06/2021 11:12

As a matter of interest, @Mich86ellen, how have your partner's children taken the news?

ancientgran · 08/06/2021 16:48

@AlternativePerspective

How different the replies would be if OP hadn’t mentioned this pregnancy was with a new partner 🤔 but just an age gap concern. I think it’s unrealistic to expect children to be happy about a new sibling when there’s such a big age gap regardless of the family dynamics.

The reality here is that the DD is now 12 so she will be 15/16 before the baby isn’t a baby/screaming toddler any more and can be interacted with in any meaningful sense. They just aren’t going to have the kind of sibling relationship that you are hoping for them to have, and in truth they may never really have a full sibling relationship. When you’re off on child friendly holidays they’ll be wanting to stay home and see their friends/bugger off to Ibiza instead.

I would tell them that the baby is staying, but you do need to recognise that your family dynamic has changed irrevocably now.

My ex has a DS with his DP and my DS was 13 less than happy about it when she fell pregnant. While he does acknowledge that their DS is his little brother he sees him maybe 2/3 times a year. There certainly isn’t a sibling relationship there.

It was realistic with my kids, the older ones were thrilled and made great big brothers and they do have a full sibling relationship. When the younger ones were 11 or 12 they loved getting the train and going to stay in the big city with their big brothers, then when the older ones had kids the younger ones had the same sort of relationship with nieces/nephews. Oldest to youngest is a gap of 40 years and it blends brilliantly.

We aren't the Waltons by any means but yes my kids were happy to be big brothers to a new baby when they were early teens.

Viviennemary · 08/06/2021 17:43

Of course the replies are different when baby is with a new partner. It's a different situation.

Enough4me · 08/06/2021 17:49

They had a shock, felt pushed out possibly, now your DS is on-board your DD will see his reaction and likely relax, but of course it's going to take time.

Pregnancy and newborns are really hard work so you have set yourself up for many more challenges. Keep your DC involved and ask their opinions when you can so they feel involved.

Happypainter · 21/11/2023 23:20

I know this is an old post but I’m going through the same thing so please tell me it all sorted itself out!! I feel horrendous and guilty :( I couldn’t say anything to reassure my son who is 12. He is distraught, upset and angry! :(

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