Older children distraught at pregnancy- help!

[Mich86ellen]

Please tell me this gets better.
We told the children at the weekend that I’m expecting a baby. My youngest is 10 and eldest 12. The baby will be a half brother/ sister and I have been with new partner and living as a family for 4 yrs so they know partner, his children and get along well. We’ve had a few teething problems with their relationship but nothing that hasn’t been resolved and certainly nothing that’s a long term problem.
Anyway, I told the children on my own on Saturday and they both sobbed and said that they really don’t want it and can I get it taken out so it doesn’t need to be born.
I’ve let the idea sink in over the last couple of days and their opinion doesn’t seem to have changed in the slightest.
I feel like I’m about to ruin their lives right now and have no idea how to move forward. Please tell me this will get easier because right now I feel like my son hates me and my daughter is adamant I’ll make this problem disappear.

I was in your older dc's situation as a teenager and found it really hard to get my head round at first. Concerns about being left out, of second importance etc. Needless to say, I loved my db when he was born. We forget that this kind of thing is a huge deal for kids and brings up lots of feelings. I imagine they just need time and reassurance.

@greyinganddecaying

Hmm - I had a similar experience as a child and was not impressed! It's a tricky age and age gap.

Unless there's something going on that makes them unhappy with your partner/his kids that will be made worse by this (which you need to make sure about), they're just going to need to get used to it.

But it's natural for kids to feel pushed out in this situation and you're going to need to put in a lot of effort to make them still feel wanted/loved, as babies take up a huge amount of time/headspace.

I was also in a similar situation, I was 10 when I found out I would be having a half-brother. It is upsetting for a few reasons:

• Feeling like you're not "enough" for that parent anymore, because they feel the need to have a new baby with your stepparent.
• Feeling like the new baby will be more precious and loved because they are the product of the new happy relationship whereas you're just a leftover from the marriage that went wrong, a reminder of a failed relationship.
• Knowing that because you're so much older, you're no longer cute and special, whereas the new baby will be
• Feeling like your childhood is soon ending because you're going to be the much older sibling.
• Knowing that in practical terms your parents will have less time for you and more of a focus on baby and toddler stuff. Baby stuff and toddler toys will takes over, CBeebies will be on the TV, the family focus will shift to be oriented around the new baby.
• It's another mail in the coffin of mummy and daddy's relationship, they are definitely not getting back together... Even age 10 kids can still secretly fantasise about their parents magically deciding to get back together.

I don't list these concerns to make you feel guilty, but to maybe help understand some of the feelings that your kids might be having, and can't help having. It doesn't mean you've made a bad decision, it's just a challenging aspect of family life and I think you can deal with this challenge as long as you help your kids navigate these feelings. I think if your kids can see you understand these feelings, and that you don't dismiss their concerns but help them to feel more positive about it, they will feel much better.

Involving them as much as possible will probably help - get them to help choose baby stuff they like, not just clothes but let them choose baby toys etc, maybe write down what things they would like to do with their new sibling, what responsibilities they might want to have, places they would like to take their little sibling, etc.

Talk about what the future will be like when the sibling is older too: remind them that the baby stage is so brief, a baby is a 4 or 5 year old before they know it! What things will they enjoy teaching their kid brother/sister? When they are 16 the baby will be 6, when they're 18 the baby will be 8, etc! By that age, they can take him/her on days out and be the cool older sibling. Lots of nice things to look forward to in future. Maybe brainstorm these things to think of more positives.

But "ignore them" as others have suggested? Please don't Family life will be happier for everyone if you address their concerns thoughtfully, while bringing along some positivity.

@Snowisfallinghere spot on.

There's an unmet need here, and/or a very real fear that they are now 2nd best. A lot of insecurity.

You need to focus on reassuring them both verbally and in practical ways and this reassurance needs to continue long term. I know it will be challenging with a newborn and when your dc reach their teens but remember negative behaviour is because of fear, insecurity or justifiable feelings of being left out in their part. Even with a newborn you both need to continue to parent them.

I'd get the wider family involved if you can, to support both them and you.

Remember, acceptance of your new dp in their lives doesn't equate to successful adjustment emotionally.

Their comments about the pregnancy come from a desperate need to know they come first. They might already feel that they don't which is why this news has hit them so hard. It isn't naughtiness on their part, it's a feeling of desperate insecurity which you need to address with compassion on an ongoing basis.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, its a very hard position to be in and I'm sorry their reaction has taken the shine off what is wonderful news. What is your dps attitude?

I had two sisters when I was 13and 15 years old. The middle one has emigrated but I'm very close to the youngest and we talk everyday.

At the end of the day they don't get a say in it, as savage as that sounds, and they won't know how they feel about it until the baby arrives.

I was in the same situation (half brother is 13 years younger than me), to be honest I hated the thought. My main concerns were listening to a baby crying all of the time, parents would no longer have time for us, being expected to help out and babysit. Soon adapted when they arrived. When it's sunk in maybe listen to what they're concerned about and reassure them?

they really don’t want it and can I get it taken out so it doesn’t need to be born.

They said this at 10 and 12??

Woah some of these comments are quite judgmental and others very helpful.
The ‘teething problems’ I mean when dp first moved in we all needed time to adjust and settle into a new routine but nothing alarming or dysfunctional. They have a fantastic and very close relationship with step siblings in fact my son and partners son are like best friends.
I won’t just ‘ignore’ their input at all I’m glad they can share their feelings with me but I just wanted some help moving forward with this. I think it’s coming from a place of fear and then feeling left out once the baby is here. They have a very good relationship with their dad and we also get on very well. There’s a lot of support around them from both sides of their family. It has been the 3 of us for a long time and I think they thought that would never change.
It will cement the fact that their dad and I aren’t getting back together (even though that was never an option 7yrs on).
My daughter has mild autism and I don’t believe she even knows or understands what a termination is yet so I feel that is coming from quite an innocent place in just making the whole thing disappear.
I think they’re in shock as was I as this pregnancy was a surprise to us as dp was told he wasn’t able to have anymore children.
So tricky, I just want to give them as much reassurance as I possibly can but hopefully get a more positive thought process going for them both. Thank you for your comments guys

I am shocked by some of these comments. Yes the children will have to get used to it but that doesn't mean they have to be happy about it and won't need reassurance . And as for their comments ,well they are young and can only see things from their view point. Their world is being rocked again. All you can do is reassure them and be sensitive about how they feel.

@Mich86ellen

Please tell me this gets better. We told the children at the weekend that I’m expecting a baby. My youngest is 10 and eldest 12. The baby will be a half brother/ sister and I have been with new partner and living as a family for 4 yrs so they know partner, his children and get along well. We’ve had a few teething problems with their relationship but nothing that hasn’t been resolved and certainly nothing that’s a long term problem. Anyway, I told the children on my own on Saturday and they both sobbed and said that they really don’t want it and can I get it taken out so it doesn’t need to be born. I’ve let the idea sink in over the last couple of days and their opinion doesn’t seem to have changed in the slightest. I feel like I’m about to ruin their lives right now and have no idea how to move forward. Please tell me this will get easier because right now I feel like my son hates me and my daughter is adamant I’ll make this problem disappear.

It's because your kids have had to adjust a lot and honestly I loathed it every time my mum said she was pregnant. It felt like we weren't enough, they'll get used to it in time though and probably come to love their new sibling. They might not be close as I'm not with some of my siblings with a bigger age gap but it will work out.

I think you just need to be matter of fact about it but with lots of re-assurance about how much you love them.

Maybe spend some one to one time with each of them?

How have DSC reacted? If they've been less affected maybe they will rub off on them.

Had a bit of progress with ds tonight. He came in and helped me with laminating stuff and he said it might not be that bad actually as he would like to play football and take it out to places but it needs to be a boy. He said if it’s a girl then we need to bring it up as gender neutral and we can’t ever call it her or she so they will never know what they are and make it play football 😂🤷🏼‍♀️
He also said he wants to decorate the little room and be in charge of choosing toys (although he’s not spending any of his money on it he will spend mine) seems quite chipper and chatty about it all tonight, dd still not wanting to know but that’s okay, she may just need some time and she may start talking more if he becomes a little more accepting xx

I don't think what they are feeling is odd. Mine were 12 and 8 but both knew better than to ask me to get rid of it
I find that quite disturbing.

To my shock and surprise my 18 year old dd was horrified when I told her I was having a baby with dp. I genuinely thought she'd be pleased but she was upset, although she said she didn't know why. Then it was twins, so, yeah, lol. She came round by the time they were born and loved them from then on. Not sure what that was all about tbh.

My DM and DSD had my brother when I was 12, I adored him (still do!) They'll come round to the idea OP, give it time (not that you've got any choice anyways)

I am amazed at some of the responses here. Telling kids to get over it, they don't get a say etc is awful. Your kids are only young for a short while and they will have a view on the way they were treated. Be empathetic! It's awful for them for all the reasons other PPs have listed. You don't want to lose them long term.

@ladygindiva

To my shock and surprise my 18 year old dd was horrified when I told her I was having a baby with dp. I genuinely thought she'd be pleased but she was upset, although she said she didn't know why. Then it was twins, so, yeah, lol. She came round by the time they were born and loved them from then on. Not sure what that was all about tbh.

To be honest, I think that all 18 year-olds are horrified and grossed out by the very thought of the old folks actually having sex.

I should think they are threatened and worried about you 'dividing' your love and them no longer being your priority.

Lots of reassurance.

I can see why they’re upset if they were under the impression that another baby wasn’t going to happen. Did they know that your partner (supposedly!) couldn’t have any more children?

My mum considered having another baby with her (then) partner when I was about 12 or 13, but they didn’t in the end. I knew it was a possibility and I was ok with it but I think I would have felt differently if it had been a complete surprise... that’s obviously not a criticism of you or your partner at all though!

I am a bit shocked by the comment about having the baby taken out though. I work with secondary school aged children and I wouldn’t expect to hear them say anything like that.

Yes I think that was it 🤣

Sorry that seemed flippant, the quote button failed. Op, I think they may well come round.

@MintyMabel

they really don’t want it and can I get it taken out so it doesn’t need to be born.

They said this at 10 and 12??

Yes, surprisingly infantilised terminology, isn't it? Both will know what an 'abortion' is; 'termination' might be a bit of a stretch, I suppose. Really, there is no guaranteed upside in the situation for them, and plenty of certain downside. Not surprised they resent it. And it is not at all a given that they will 'love the baby', when it is born, or ever.

I seperated from my children's Dad when they were 5 and 9. They have been very 'good' about that, very understanding and really sucked it up about living across 2 homes etc. They are very open to the idea of me or their Dad having boyfriends/girlfriends. But my daughter in particular (now 10) would not want to share our home with another adult and absolutely would not want me or her Dad to have a child with anyone else for the many reasons described here. And I can totally understand and agree with her position. They have had to adjust enough. So OP, I think you have to really take a step back, look into your heart and try and really see things from their perspective where frankly they see themselves as having lots to lose and little to gain. That is the starting point for your conversations, not where you thought or hoped it would be. And even after much talking and much reassurance they are still upset, unsure, resentful etc, well that is their right too. I do think there is something about new life coming in that shifts dynamics and melts hearts and there is every reason to assume that will happwn for you. But do really listen to them and be prepared to 'sit' with their genuine and to my mind, understandable feelings

The comments aren’t judgemental just because you don’t like them OP, they’re honest.
How did you expect them to feel?

I had a similar reaction from DD who was 13 when I got pg with my youngest. She adored her as a baby and despite the 13 year age gap, her and (now) ten year old youngest DD are the closest out of all of my kids.

I think it was partially a case of "Yuck you had sex" coupled with the insecurities of the tween/teen years leaving them feeling that you will love the baby more than them.

Both will know what an 'abortion' is; 'termination' might be a bit of a stretch, I suppose

I had no idea about abortion at 14, nevermind correct terminology