What makes a man crap in bed?

[biggirlknickers]

A question inspired by a post on another thread, along the lines of: ‘a man with no sense of rhythm and poor coordination is guaranteed to be crap in bed’.

So what do we mean by ‘crap in bed’? (other than selfishness, which presumably isn’t linked to lack of rhythm.)

@Boosterfeat

Performative type sex, when they’ve watched too much porn.

Absolutely. I had an ex who was porn-obsessed, and he was terrible in bed.

Food poisoning.

But I only read the title.

• "Doing" sex to you - ie obviously reenacting some porn scene he's seen with you as the stunt body

• Not being able to get it up. Sorry if that's a controversial one, but I like fucking and want someone that's capable of doing it.

Only bothering with two erogenous zones.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I too came on to say a really nasty bout of campylobacter!

Me three

@AnxiousPixie

Only bothering with two erogenous zones.

See, this doesn't bother me! I can't be doing with lots of touching and fiddling. I find it really irritating. And don't get me started on cunnilingus!

But having been on Mumsnet for many years, I heavily suspect I like different sex to lost women!

*most, not lost

@JovialNickname many years ago (pre-children!) I was having , well, trying to have, sex with some guy who was having trouble getting an erection...he blurts out 'should I just roll it up and shove it in?' 😱🤣🤦‍♀️

Erm...that would be a no from me Lover Boy 🤣

Still makes me laugh now when I think about it and this happened over 30 years ago!

@Boosterfeat

Performative type sex, when they’ve watched too much porn.

Yup. Men who have a checklist of scenes they want to recreate and try and tick them off one by one in a session.

Small appendage, very overweight with a blobby body, body odour, no idea about love and good sex, and falls asleep after two minutes.

This is not my own scenario at all, as I am single,and don't have a man in my life,.. But was just imagining a grim bedroom scene somewhere !

Weird breathing. Most common in over weight men huffing and puffing. Very off putting and I want to stop.

Bad kisser or not interested in kissing.

Ah mumsnet, where we can have a thread about "What makes men crap in bed" and it can have replies that say "Small penis", but where if a woman came on to say "My boyfriend commented on a thread about "What makes women crap in bed" and he said "having a baggy vagina and small tits"" and all the replies would be "LTB!" and "What a sexist misogynist he is!".

I think that no one is "crap in bed",and it's all about what people like and if they bother to try and make it good for their partner (and the OP says that not trying to doesn't count as being "crap in bed", so it should really be more of a "what don't you like a man to do" becuase some couples might both like something that another couple hate.).

My ex same routine every time, wouldn’t listen to suggestions.taking ages to come for me very painful. Had no idea of foreplay.

Doing sex noises when he cums. Had a boyfriend like that years ago and it really put me off 🤮

Not being intuitive with what is and isn't working.

I disagree with this. Communication works both ways. Men are not mind readers, and women who expect them to be ‘intuitive’ are setting themselves up for disappointment.

My DP has a lot of faults, including being completely clumsy and he has no coordination whatsoever. However, he is very good in bed.

Jackhammer

Many different aspects in my experience...

• Silence (making no sound whatsoever is quite off putting IMO)

• Poor personal hygiene

• Jack rabbit style (very quick, like masturbating using a vagina)

• Zero foreplay

• Not being able to lose them self in the moment (folding clothes as they take them off for example)

• Leaving socks on

• Too buttoned up / never impulsive

• Any lack of respect for boundaries

@HotChocolateLover

Doing sex noises when he cums. Had a boyfriend like that years ago and it really put me off 🤮

That's interesting, I'm the opposite.

Can't stand silence when climaxing.

Only interest in foreplay to avoid friction burns
Having absolutely no interest in their partner's pleasure

Readers, I left the bastard. Sadly it took me 40 years.

I read this as a digestive issue

When a man goes through his entire repertoire of positions in a single session. I hate that as I can't just relax into it.

A bad vag-peen fit, which can be too big or too small, too long or too short, too thick or too thin, or the "wrong" shape. Basically, just when you're physically incompatible. Personally I'd rather they were on the smaller side than too big for me.

If they move "wrong". I had a man who would grind against my hips in a circular motions. Not for me.

When they put their head down and go at it like a jack-hammer. Hello, you're fucking a human not a blow up doll!

Premature ejaculation 😑😩

When you can’t have a giggle with them. A man can be technically great, but if he’s too serious in bed I become unusually self-conscious and don’t enjoy it. I had to end a relationship with an otherwise nice man because of this 🙁 Just not compatible.

Running commentary. Too much sex talk
Arrgh, I hate that! I was with one bloke who used to do that and it was so off putting. “Suck that cock”, “ride that cock” all the bloody time. Shut up, we’re not making porn 🙄

Can't stand silence when climaxing
Nor me.
I dislike it when they just lie there like a corpse when I’m on top too. A combination of silence and inactivity is crap. Mind you, I was with a bloke who roared, and I mean ROARED when he came which was pretty alarming 😬😆 Somewhere between silence and roaring is ideal 😄