I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t want a DP like mine. I’m mostly proud of him and happy for him and think he is wonderful.

You are deliberately missing the point.

Pre children, I would love a DP like yours. DP working until 10pm suits me perfectly - I'm a freak who likes cleaning, so time to get the house all sorted, nice bath, bit of Love Island, catch up on work emails, then he comes home and we engage in intellectual conversation with loads of laughs over dinner, cup of tea while he showers, TV together then wild sex at midnight.

Sounds like a dream, honestly.

But I cannot stress enough how much this will completely change. Especially if you decide to give up work. (Please don't give up work though). Either way your life is going to be turned upside down, the things that used to matter stop mattering and things you never even considered before will become The Most Important Thing.

Have you ever hated someone so much you could scream because you're so sleep deprived, you need to sleep, and they are snoring soundly beside you without a care in the world? You are tired, exhausted, brain fogged, stressed, the most basic shit like leaving the house becomes a monumental hassle... and he will never understand. Ever. Can you imagine how frustrating this is?

Add in colic or a baby who doesn't sleep. Or post natal depression. Or like me, a post birth DVT + PE that leaves you unable to walk for months. And that's just the first year, without going into the drudgery of every single bedtime routine and every single 5am wakeup and every single bit of homework, dance class, PE kit, playdate, birthday party etc.

And what if he never even pretends to understand and actually argues with you / puts you down? Complains the house is a mess? Complains the baby is waking him up? He can't possibly hold the baby so you can shower at 10.30pm because he needs to shower?

Just imagine all the pent up resentment in these situations and then imagine him turning around and saying well you knew it would be like this. I never said I'd be doing any of this. You've known all along my work comes first. Why are you complaining when you wanted this? Yes, I know we didn't plan to have an autistic child, but we didn't plan to have any child.

That's the point you come on Mumsnet and 100s of posters who have been there, done that, tell you to LTB.

I left my own bastard because he had depression and wouldn't get out of bed (so hardly his fault but there was just far too much resentment - I was doing everything on my own, inc working full time, and he just didn't / wouldn't / couldn't understand). I loved him too, a lot, but ultimately I loved myself and my child more. I lasted three months. At least on my own there was nobody around to minimise or fob me off. I was doing exactly the same amount of work but the resentment being gone made it instantly easier - as did the Friday nights and Saturday mornings to myself - which I eventually ended up spending with someone exactly like your DP (no child? No problem.)

@osbertthesyrianhamster Yep, DS would be classed as high functioning too and it's bloody hard, especially with the puberty moodswings added in

I had a Dad like your DP. I don't know him at all. I don't know a thing about him other than the tiny snapshots I got of him on rare holiday's, where he was usually drinking too much. Being around him as an adult was tedious, and I am more comfortable in the company of strangers. He thinks he was a wonderful father because there was always money and I was provided for...and I think he is a massive useless dick. I would go as far as to say I detest him. We have been no-contact in 7 years.

Everything was left to my Mum and my grandparent's....and I mean everything! They hated him eventually, too. And, the funny thing is, he isn't a bad man. But a father and husband he was not.

My suggestion initially would be to stay at home as if you no longer have your career and were in the position of having to look after a baby.

Live that life as for a period of time and then assess at the end of it, how you feel.

I think only then you will realise how little time you both are spending together and right now, how your career is filling your partner’s absences from you and the relationship.

Then read up or have a chat with mothers of new borns how things went/going for them. I look back now when our children were born and I could have done with DH taking time to be at home more than he was.

It can build resentment. Being a mother is tiring and sometimes you just want out of it all. Once you have the baby, unless you hire staff to assist, you cannot pass it off to someone else and you may find your partner saying “well we talked about this before you become pregnant” as if that is going to solve how you feel....

Birthing and mothering isn’t a bed of roses.

Is that you Carrie ?

Yes to above post. Tell him you’re ready for a child, double check he is too, then casually tell him you’re stopping contraception to see what happens. You will know from his reaction what his true feelings are.

You’ve had a hard time on here but I get it, good luck!!

I know a couple who got married and she stopped her birth control...he was happy, but it was very much a situation where he wanted no responsibility and she was happy to take on the care.

Everything that @winched said

Errr...no! You'll be the one left carrying the can ie the baby, supporting the both of you etc etc

I’m really interested in the type of high-flying career that somehow caters for people who are driven into a panicked tailspin at the mere mention of planning.

Also, OP, a cautionary tale. I worked with someone who became a friend. He was a notoriously inefficient worker, known for missing deadlines and complete disorganisation, but who was in the office from before 8 am till well after 7 daily, and often came in at the weekends, but still was unproductive, and a total faffer.

It was only when I got to know him better and met his wife and children that I realised his wife — who did literally everything for the children and home as well as working FT — honestly believed he had to work those hours because he was indispensable to the organisation, and very important and senior. He’d trained her to think that, while he was pottering around at work, on the internet, not doing much.

It was only when she got to know me and realised I did exactly the same job as he did working FT but compressed hours over four days, and two days a week from home, that she realised that ‘busy at work’ was just an alibi for getting out of 90% of family life. They’re divorced now.

You'd be insane to get pregnant with his baby. He's barely home, you take holidays with friends and you called him a third person in the relationship. None of this sounds like father material.

I'm saying this as kindly as possible - you're considering having a baby for your own selfish reasons. He won't spend more time at home, he doesn't now and he won't a year down the line. Babies need planning around and he panics when you even mention trying - it's not sustainable when you have a baby. You'd be bringing a child into a shit storm.

[quote MrsSnitchnose]@osbertthesyrianhamster Yep, DS would be classed as high functioning too and it's bloody hard, especially with the puberty moodswings added in[/quote]
Yep! He's got ADHD and OCD as well. He's on drugs for both and another for his violent meltdowns. And that's with us paying a fucking fortune for private care. If we were left with the NHS and CAMHS, I'd be dead and I don't say that lightly. It's HELL a lot and we lost our eldest as a girl.

If you decide to simply stop using contraception, you need to tell him. If he has sex with you under the impression that you are on the pill or whatever it is you use, but you aren't, he has not given informed consent to sex.

If a man does this to a woman, there's a word for it. Rape.

Ok @Letsallscreamatthesistene report the posts that have been mean. The majority of posters have given clear, fair, direct advice as to why this could be a bad idea.

The kind of person to have a baby with is one who says ‘I want to start a family with you’
Anything less is a recipe for you raising the child single-handedly and you getting shafted if you breakup down the line.
If he cannot say that he wants a baby then how do you imagine you can plan and agree your approach to parenting before getting pregnant.
Op you sound lovely but your eyes don’t seem to be very open.

I think people have been tough on you here, OP, but that might serve to strengthen your resolve.
Plenty of "busy" people have children, so I don't think he should be written off. Think of all the successful people in the world we know of; how many of them don't have kids? Not many. As long as you are prepared for doing the lion's share, as you seem to be and as many millions of women have done before you, then I see no reason to leave the relationship.

@HollowTalk

You understand that if he's autistic the chance of your child being autistic is much higher, don't you? If he isn't prepared to spend time with you and the child, you might really struggle.

This. the hereditary factor.

Also, and i know there are exceptions to this, a lot of autistic people struggle hugely with the actuality (rather than the fantasy) of being a parent. Being a structuring, planning, logistical sort of person can be very useful in certain jobs but those very qualities don't usually help with relationships and certainly not with parenting (much of which is about the unexpected, about having to be flexible.)

I get the strong impression your partner would be, at best, a part-time parent, the type who leaves all the difficult stuff, the emotional stuff, the tiring stuff, to you. Of course your child will become aware of this.

People don't essentially change when they become parents. Someone who hardly spend time with you already and who apparently can't be bothered to even have a holiday with you is NOT going to be an attentive and involved husband just because you have had a child. And he won't be an attentive or involved father either.

@MandyMarr I completely get what you mean. You both want a baby & have agreed to do this, you just don't want to schedule it out per se.
Was similar for me. Told DP I was coming off the pill & said no more til I was pregnant, no pressure on him to perform etc. but I was aware of timings etc.
Is this something that would work for you? Not everything has to be planned in fine detail.

I don’t think anyone wants to be mean OP but your situation doesn’t sound ideal. I’ve been on MN for donkeys years and the threads always to the same ‘I’m now a SAHM, DH a high earner, working 24/7, no help or support on days off, I’m feeling resentful when do I get a break’ etc etc. If you plan on going back to work unless you have a good nanny it will all fall to you and be a nightmare. I have two lovely children, well behaved, sleep well, very supportive DH who is incredibly present in their lives. I also had severe PND after both children and without him a think I probably would have committed suicide at the time. Even now I have bad days and struggle and my kids are fairly easy and husband is there. I never thought I would have PND (I had/have a great career and no history of MH issues) but 4 years on from my youngest I still feel it. Parenting is lovely but so hard. It’s a two person job in my experience (hats off to single parents you are all heroes in my eyes). I could never have a child with someone who made time for me once a week let alone didn’t even discuss planning a child. I think it’s upsetting because it’s some sad home truths. Wishing you luck with your decision and the baby if you go that way.

Unless you are so independently wealthy that you will never need to worry about money, then you need to marry him. It's clear he won't be doing the hands on childcare. I think that can work okay if it's what both the couple want, but he needs to be contributing financially in that case. How will you survive financially if you're not married, and he turns out not to like parenthood and leaves you and the baby?

You need to talk. He says he would like a kid - so what does that mean to him in practice? How much parenting does he see himself doing on a daily basis? And does that work for you?

If he can't talk about stuff like this, then how will you solve conflicts and problems in the future? I'm worried that your default is just to go along with whatever he wants - if so that's not fair on you, and not sustainable with a child to prioritise.

Do you have support around you OP? Your family? Friends? Are your jobs the sort that could allow a nanny?

As others have said- parenting is something else. It changes the orientation of your whole world. If you are left to do it on your own with no support, then in all likelihood you will become resentful. You may start to look at partner v differently. I remember being so jealous of my husbands commute as he got to read a book for 30 mins each way. Parenting can make you mental (or at least it did to me in the early days).

Op right now he doesn’t give you much support and that’s ok. You’ve accepted that and worked out ways around that eg holidaying with friends.

Lack of support from a partner when you have a baby is a whole different ballgame. The resentment is overwhelming. The pain when your child asks where daddy is, is like a knife to the heart.

I also see no evidence that your DP will be a great dad. Great dads know they need to sacrifice for their children Your dp doesn’t seem to think his life will change at all and isn’t willing to have a nanny so you have some form of help.
You are both being really unrealistic about what a child needs and what raising a happy healthy child looks like

@CandyLeBonBon

Ok *@Letsallscreamatthesistene* report the posts that have been mean. The majority of posters have given clear, fair, direct advice as to why this could be a bad idea.

Interesting you say the majority of posts have given good advice. Not ALL though, hey? Great u-turn. There have been some mean posters, as per usual.

If he gets stressed about planning - I hate to break it to you but having children is all about planning. Even where you live is planned as it effects schools etc.
Maybe one day as a joke tell him your period is late and see how he reacts. If its not the reaction you want then you might have your answer. I worry you will fall pregnant and then he expects you to have an abortion or decide between him and a baby.

Will your friends want you to bring the baby on holiday? If not, will you be OK going on holiday with the baby on your own?

I guess all these scenarios need a bit of a think through. I'm surprised you've not had these conversations but at least you've got lots of experience here to draw on. I'm sorry thar it's been a bit of a shock but better to have a good think about it now and make sure you're as aware as you can be of what you're committing yourself and any children to.