I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

@MandyMarr

Sorry I am reading these just taking a break as finding it a bit overwhelming. I’m just so sad. I want a family so much and DP said he was ready. I thought it would be simple

Dont be sad. People are being mean.

A baby changes everything, you're both delusional if you think it won't. Even if you have support from family you might end up resenting DP it and splitting anyway. Not to mention your child feeling neglected if dp puts his career first. You asked how do you go about this, the answer is having a grown up conversation to see if this is the right thing to do, how you both see it working, any concerns you may have and how you want to bring up said child.

@MandyMarr

Sorry I am reading these just taking a break as finding it a bit overwhelming. I’m just so sad. I want a family so much and DP said he was ready. I thought it would be simple

It is simple. Come off contraception. Tell him or not, your choice.

If you’re happy to raise the child practically alone do so

Peoooe are just asking you to think through the practicalities and not some rose tinted romantic view.

Plus, every material benefit provided by your DP's high income will be 100% irrelevant if you are unlucky enough to get PND after the baby is born. I'm not talking about the famous Baby Blues which often kick in a few days after birth. I'm talking about proper, potentially dangerous PND and it's even more dangerous cousin post partum psychosis. It's far more common than many new Mums realise.

What on Earth will you do OP if you are ill after the birth? What if your child is ill or born with complications?

No one is being mean. We have lots of lived experience between us and are staying this painful knowledge with OP. Having a baby isn’t remotely romantic and parenting is a slog.

Tell him you’re taking a break from contraception and he can wear condoms. If he’s fine to take the risk then have sex every other day, that way it doesn’t matter when you ovulate. That’s the closest we came to “trying for a baby”. Give it 6 months and see what happens, takes the stress out of it for both of you.

I think your biological clock and yearning is making you brush over the glaring issues highlighted on here.
I have a very supportive, hands on dh and I really struggled with one dc ! You’re going to find it really hard to get your career up and running at the same pace after maternity ( kids are always sick those first years or have to be dropped off/picked up from nursery) it’s exhausting juggling it all.
I don’t understand why he’s afraid of planning if he’s got such a great career , surely he’s got to where he has from planning his career moves ? I’m sure he’s had to plan in his life. Sounds like excuses.
I would also doubt with his work obsession he’d want to be a sahp himself or support much. Having said that I was career obsessed myself but have a much better balance since dc here.
You need to have the conversation about trying ( he doesn’t need to know all the details about ovulation etc ) and about how it will be when baby arrives. What kind of dad does he hope to be? What does he expect ? Etc
I would really encourage marriage to protect yourself if you do become the sahp because if you separate you may find yourself in a precarious position like many women on here, who end up with nothing except child maintenance after years of child rearing.

@peaceanddove

Plus, every material benefit provided by your DP's high income will be 100% irrelevant if you are unlucky enough to get PND after the baby is born. I'm not talking about the famous Baby Blues which often kick in a few days after birth. I'm talking about proper, potentially dangerous PND and it's even more dangerous cousin post partum psychosis. It's far more common than many new Mums realise.

What on Earth will you do OP if you are ill after the birth? What if your child is ill or born with complications?

I have to say though, I agree with this. You do need to think about a real and reliable support network if your partner isnt going to be around.

Oops, seem to have missed the direction of the thread. Should have RTFT...

If you're up for it go for it and I'm sorry you're feeling sad but honestly people here are just letting you know the practicalities that you'll need to plan for since he won't. Like financially protecting yourself.

I also don't think you need to be sad, having children is a lovely thing to do. Just go into it with yours and dps eyes wide open. Communication is key, you could end up having a lovely life if you both give 100%

@MrsSnitchnose

In the nicest possible way *@MandyMarr* you don't sound like a 35 year old woman, until you said how old you were I thought you were much younger than that.

I'm the same age as you but coming at this on the back of 13 years being a single parent to an autistic DS. As PPs have pointed out, a diagonsed father increases the risk of autism in any offspring. You're adamant you won't mind doing all the leg work for the child, but you have no idea what that really looks like.

If your child did end up having additional needs, you'd be in the same sort of position as me because your DP is so consumed with his work. Believe me, it's not nearly so easy as you're thinking it's going to be. Even with an NT child it's difficult, but with autism thrown in it can be hell on earth some days. Many times I've almost reached breaking point and a few times I've thought about just walking away. I think you need to seriously consider what you may potentially be letting yourself in for and take the rose coloured glasses off

Nothing about what I've said is meant to be harsh, just the truth from my own experiences

This. And you need to hear it and hear it some more. We have no known autism in the family and our son is 'high functioning'. Like Mrs, I have many days of wanting to walk away now he's going through puberty. If you think that's harsh, you should see the reality of living with this and again, he's 'high functioning'.

Nobody is being mean. It is absolutely, categorically not "kind" to encourage some to plan a baby in these circumstances. Telling someone what they want to hear is not necessarily kindness.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene no. People are being far from mean. Women on here have experienced these situations and want to ensure the op goes in with a clear understanding of the potential downsides.

Wanting a family is such a powerful feeling it can cloud judgement. I know it clouded mine.

Sorry you're feeling sad @MandyMarr - take your time. And whatever you decide, MN will no doubt be here to offer support on your journey.

@IWantT0BreakFree

Nobody is being mean. It is absolutely, categorically not "kind" to encourage some to plan a baby in these circumstances. Telling someone what they want to hear is not necessarily kindness.

Yes there are some posters on here who have been.

Op I feel for you. What happens if you have trouble conceiving? After a year and a half of battling infertility it literally nearly broke me and my husband, if your husband would panic over planning then he isn’t going to like fertility treatment or infertility at all, it takes over your life. Please don’t be naive and if you’re gonna do this which you probably are you are going to need a plan of action because you are basically going to be a single parent majority of the time. I’m sorry you have a partner who prioritises his work over you.

@Tubs11

I also don't think you need to be sad, having children is a lovely thing to do. Just go into it with yours and dps eyes wide open. Communication is key, you could end up having a lovely life if you both give 100%

Which can be the wayside if the child also has SN and the 'D'P simply cannot step up. UC and Carer's Allowance, fighting for DLA and any support, which the 'D'P might not be able to provide.

Oh, believe me, there's nothing fucking sadder than this situation.

If you are both high earners then get a nanny.

@Pyewackect

If you are both high earners then get a nanny.

Outsourcing the practicalities only deals with part of the issue

Hi OP, don't let all these replies stress you out. Only you know if you have a relationship you'd like to start a family in. We're just reading a tiny snippet about your DP on the internet!

If you do want a baby with your DP I think you should:

• have a think about what kind of involvement you'd want him to have & make sure you and he agree what life looks like. This doesn't need to be tied to talk to trying to get pregnant now.
• get married if you're planning on lowering your earning potential (courthouse job would be nice & easy. Covid is a great excuse for this!)
• regular sex or sex at the time of ovulation (buy cheap test strips so you know when you're ovulating). No need to tell him you're tracking this. I didn't tell my DH in an attempt to retain the romance (lol)

Good luck!

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@Letsallscreamatthesistene no. People are being far from mean. Women on here have experienced these situations and want to ensure the op goes in with a clear understanding of the potential downsides.

Wanting a family is such a powerful feeling it can cloud judgement. I know it clouded mine.

Sorry you're feeling sad @MandyMarr - take your time. And whatever you decide, MN will no doubt be here to offer support on your journey. [/quote]
I disagree. Like always, SOME posters have been, SOME posters have given good advice.

I honestly don't understand why you think he would have the time and patience for a screaming, pooping, belligerent little human when he barely has the time for someone he is supposed to love spending time with.

I really think you should listen to the posters on here. Babies are excruciatingly hard work, and nothing will prepare you for it, much less having a very absent partner/father.

If he can't show attentiveness to you (a much more pleasant person to be around than a baby) then I really think you'll be left alone when the baby arrives... and it's lonely and isolating enough as it is even with a great support network.

If you realise what you are letting yourself in for then go for it. We are just trying to provide you with an insight. For what it’s worth I had dc after three months of dating because I was late 30s and felt like I was completely set up in life to be a single mum. I was even looking into sperm donation. Luckily, my instincts for my now dh were right and he was the one for me. I was prepared to go it alone though and he knew too that we were taking a risk in a new relationship. We would both have given dc all our love and support together, even if we hadn’t lasted. I looked at all the risks and all the angles. I really wanted a baby as did he and we planned it.
As long as you realise what can go wrong and protect yourself financially and don’t end up resentful because he’s never around etc then go for it

To go against the grain here OP (as I'm not in this situation but can see myself doing it). If you really want a child with him and have the financial support to do all the legwork (nannies, cleaners, the lot) then go ahead. If people are all for single women having babies alone with no dad in the picture, what's the difference with an absent one (as long as he's fully present when there and gives you financial resources)?

HOWEVER if planning stressed him out - are you sure he will really be onboard with the baby? Sometimes people say things they don't mean.

Maybe jsut tell him you're coming off the contraception.. then just sleep with him as usual and see where it does. There's no need for timings etc etc... now if you have trouble conceiving that's when there'll be an issue.

@Pyewackect

If you are both high earners then get a nanny.

Read the thread. He doesn't want that. And again, he has diagnosed autism, which increases the chance of having a child with autism. It's a spectrum condition, you don't know what you'll get if you have a child with this condition, so you may not in fact be able to get a nanny at all unless you're very rich. That type of nanny is usually in the region of about £60k/annum (David Cameron had 2 of them and his child didn't have autism).