I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

You have had a LOT of replies, I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, it’s a weird situation I know. What about telling your DP you are coming off contraception with a view to seeing what happens?
Some considerations (from my own experience!!)
How are you on very little sleep? I became incredibly resentful of my husband when I was tired - and he did a massive amount of the childcare and still does actually. Sleep changes everything!! If you have someone who can help you when you’re overwhelmingly knackered that’s definitely a positive.
When you’re unwell with a baby, it is TOUGH. Please make sure you have help on back up. There’s a handful of times my husband has had to come home from work because I’ve been so poorly.
Make sure you’re financially secure. Whether that means marriage or whatever. Good luck Op!

YOU are comfortable doing the leg work and being secondary to his job, but what about the child! It's not fair to them to be brought in to a relationship where they won't be the priority.

I would only have a child with someone who worked this much if we lived with my mum, sister or best friend as well.

Good luck op, whatever you decide. There will always be someone on here to support you, wwhatever happens 💐

It is simple op. Stop contraception, have sex until you get pregnant.

Sounds like your eyes are open to what your dh is like, you sound switched on to what having a baby will be like, who will do the bulk of the care, sounds like you've got a handle on the financial side of things.

And it sounds like you love each other in your own way. Different ways work for different people. That's the variety of life.

Good luck

My husband is a long distance lorry driver, so judging by these comments I shouldn't have had kids with him and he's a shit father who doesn't prioritise his children 🤷‍♀️

I think posters are being overly harsh on you, and passing judgement on what they weren't asked for.

If you want it to work, it will work OP.

With regards to your question, would it be too much pressure for your DP if you had a discussion about ditching birth control but not actively planning for a baby? So your upping your chances without putting that pressure on him, but get a better feel of where he's at with the whole thing?

I think he's told you he'd love to be told he's going to be daddy. But he's also said that you are going to be the parent on the spot holding the fort. The conversation that needs to be had is the one about who is paying the bills.

"said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident"

The above screams to me:

• he might like the "idea" of children but he wants the fairy tale idea of it not the reality
• the fact that the reference to being a stay at home dad was said as part of a joke means he meant it as just that - a joke. He would never be a stay at home Dad or even if in the short term you know deep down he is not a stay at home Dad type. The truth is you would be doing near on 100% of the day to day child raising
• the reference to "accidents" sound like an anecdote from one of his mates - my girlfriend got pregnant by accident and now how happy are week etc (i.e. not likely true pub banter)
• it sounds to me like he wouldn't mind some offspring. But in sense of being able to refer to another human being as his son or daughter rather than actually doing the whole Dad thing.

I don't know - maybe it is the way you wrote your original post. But as I am in the position of not knowing your partner I would say imagine you got pregnant and then he literally walked away (apart from that you knew he referred to your child as "his child" at family gatherings etc) and did nothing else/was not in your life.

How would you feel about that? If the answer is "OK" then go for it.
Otherwise I would seriously reconsider.

Oh OP, if he was willing to plan, to discuss with you the adjustments he plans to make and show some awareness that your lives will be different then I’d feel so much more confident for you .

I’m sorry OP. You’re hanging on to this man thinking that he’s amazing but what is he actually giving you? Really? A date night once a week? Words?

You need something solid. It shines out from your posts. That’s perfectly natural. You want a partner in the true sense of the word.

Please listen to people on here particularly those who are married to people with autism or have a child with autism.

I too see demand avoidance in your partner’s behaviour. I’d treat it as a red flag and proceed with caution.

Let's just talk about the realities of sleep. If your dp often comes in at ten, I'd guess he fixed himself some food, washes, preps stuff for the next day and goes to bed at 12 to get up and back out the next day at 6 or 7. A day completely centred on work.

My kids woke at least 2-3 times a night until they were over one year old, they now wake at 5.30 on average but occasionally they decide 4.30 is wake up time for the day. They go to bed about 7.

Your dp would not see his kid if he came in at 7, and probably wouldn't be up in the night or making them toast at 5.30. You'd end up having separate bedrooms so he wouldn't wake you.

I just don't see how someone living like that has time in their life for DC. At 35 you have around 7 years when you could likely conceive, I don't think you need to sprog with your current partner or have no hope of ever having kids.

@Greenmarmalade

No one is being mean. We have lots of lived experience between us and are staying this painful knowledge with OP. Having a baby isn’t remotely romantic and parenting is a slog.

Exactly.

Posters saying "People are being mean" are enabling the OP to remain naive and unrealistic. Of course getting pregnant and having a baby and all the stuff involved in parenting isn't simple! Even if both parties are totally on board and enthusiastic. Which is not the case here.

There are lots of children with parents who work incredibly long hours or who’s parents are away for a length of time. Fathers in the army, navy etc??

[quote MandyMarr]@WorraLiberty I guess I don’t think about marriage as I have my own financial security.[/quote]
You have financial security because you work full time.

Maternity leave, post-natal issues, having to take time off for childcare/child illness, or having to give up work because of a child’s disability will quickly remove this from you and you’ll be at the mercy of your boyfriend, financially.

You’re crazy to consider having a baby without the protection of marriage.

To be honest, from what you’ve said, it sounds like this guy barely wants to make room in his life for a girlfriend, let alone a wife and child.

Could you just attempt to bring up in a laid-back way that you're coming off contraception and you'll both see where the future takes you? Rather than sitting down planning 'I want a baby, let's do x y z' if that would send him into a panic. A 'go with the flow' attitude will be better for him but you will have to tell him if you're coming off contraception.

As for conceiving, start tracking your cycles (if you don't already have an idea of them - Flo is a really good app) just aim to have sex a couple of times a week, you're bound to hit your fertile window at that point.

Hope it all goes well for you OP

@Millymog is right. I see him wanting ‘his child’ too. My previous partner had autism and actually agreed that he wanted a child because it would be something that was ‘his’. It was really important to him. Not saying this is part of the autism but the relationship was very much about meeting his needs rather than my needs or our needs.

He puts his work first, doesn’t have much time for you now, so could be the same when you have his baby! You know all this and seem prepared to go through with it, but what about the child in all of this, he will need interaction from his /Her father ,

@winched

I’m surprised so many people wouldn’t want a DP like mine. I’m mostly proud of him and happy for him and think he is wonderful.

You are deliberately missing the point.

Pre children, I would love a DP like yours. DP working until 10pm suits me perfectly - I'm a freak who likes cleaning, so time to get the house all sorted, nice bath, bit of Love Island, catch up on work emails, then he comes home and we engage in intellectual conversation with loads of laughs over dinner, cup of tea while he showers, TV together then wild sex at midnight.

Sounds like a dream, honestly.

But I cannot stress enough how much this will completely change. Especially if you decide to give up work. (Please don't give up work though). Either way your life is going to be turned upside down, the things that used to matter stop mattering and things you never even considered before will become The Most Important Thing.

Have you ever hated someone so much you could scream because you're so sleep deprived, you need to sleep, and they are snoring soundly beside you without a care in the world? You are tired, exhausted, brain fogged, stressed, the most basic shit like leaving the house becomes a monumental hassle... and he will never understand. Ever. Can you imagine how frustrating this is?

Add in colic or a baby who doesn't sleep. Or post natal depression. Or like me, a post birth DVT + PE that leaves you unable to walk for months. And that's just the first year, without going into the drudgery of every single bedtime routine and every single 5am wakeup and every single bit of homework, dance class, PE kit, playdate, birthday party etc.

And what if he never even pretends to understand and actually argues with you / puts you down? Complains the house is a mess? Complains the baby is waking him up? He can't possibly hold the baby so you can shower at 10.30pm because he needs to shower?

Just imagine all the pent up resentment in these situations and then imagine him turning around and saying well you knew it would be like this. I never said I'd be doing any of this. You've known all along my work comes first. Why are you complaining when you wanted this? Yes, I know we didn't plan to have an autistic child, but we didn't plan to have any child.

That's the point you come on Mumsnet and 100s of posters who have been there, done that, tell you to LTB.

I left my own bastard because he had depression and wouldn't get out of bed (so hardly his fault but there was just far too much resentment - I was doing everything on my own, inc working full time, and he just didn't / wouldn't / couldn't understand). I loved him too, a lot, but ultimately I loved myself and my child more. I lasted three months. At least on my own there was nobody around to minimise or fob me off. I was doing exactly the same amount of work but the resentment being gone made it instantly easier - as did the Friday nights and Saturday mornings to myself - which I eventually ended up spending with someone exactly like your DP (no child? No problem.)

Hahahahaha I remember this too!!!! The pride! The intellectually stimulating debate. The thinking ‘he does something so meaningful and lives his passion’.

Then BANG!!!!! I no longer gave a fiddlers feck about all that. I was so tired. So so so tired. His passion became self indulgence. The meaning no longer had meaning. All that mattered was my bone aching exhaustion and borderline depression.

And I hasten to add..... mine is one of the better ones. He pulled his weight (at least as much as he could) from day one.

We still play who does more olympics on a daily basis. And I cannot remember the last intellectually stimulating conversation.....

But maybe that’s me?!? I always thought I’d be such a ‘natural’ laid back mother. But actually I find it really really hard.

OP, it might all be great. You might be a natural. You might maintain the pride. But you might not.....

If you want it to work, it will work OP.

Well lots of people 'want it to work' @NamechangeApril21, (I know I did), but simply 'wanting something to work' doesn't mean it will all turn out just rosy, as numerous threads on this site evidence. I'm glad it worked for you but otherwise, what a tone deaf and utterly disingenuous statement that was.

Get rid of your contraception, go for it. Not everyone has an ideal life with a partner home to do their share, you know this, go for it. My husband works long hours, I want to look after the children and it works for us all. It's easy for people to say he shouldn't work so much, that's not always an option especially for self employed people. Maybe a child will make him come home earlier when possible, certainly helped my DH!

Don't plan a child. Just say let's not bother with contraception and see how it goes.

I can't think of anything worse than having to try. Just enjoy the fun.
I don't think I could have endured the stress of trying.
We happily now have 3 kids without actively trying.
I read your post as he has given the green light just go with the flow and enjoy life.

Well you have his permission to crack on and get pregnant if you want. It would be wise to get married though, because the chances are it will impact your career and you need to protect your self and your kids.

You also need to think c what you will do for childcare to keep your career going, which you should.

It doesn’t sound like an ideal situation for kids, but there are much worse also.

Entertainment industry, eh OP?

I did this. Figured it would be fine because I would be the at home person and DP could be the high flying career person.

Our first born child is disabled. I am their full time carer.

That wasn't in the plan.

I literally do everything pertaining to DC's care. Everything. And I am completely exhausted and a shell of myself. DP's career has continued on an upward trajectory. At my expense.

If you want it to work, it will work OP.
Got to be the most ridiculous statement on the thread.

Years ago I had a colleague who had children with a DH that worked away for 12 weeks at a time and was home for 4-6 weeks in between. Like you, she went in with her eyes open and expected to do all the work. She never resented him not helping with the kids but it did reach a point where she resented him for coming home. She had a nice routine with the kids and their own little rituals. She loved being a mum and loved spending time with them. When he was home he'd "disrupt everything" by trying to help her and trying to have fun with the kids. It was a very strange situation that she didn't predict.

I completely understand your situation OP and I think you should just go ahead and give up contraception and have this baby.

However, as a Mum in the same situation 10 years down the line from you, here are some thoughts (things that I learned the hard way):

Sometimes things go wrong. For example, the baby can have health problems or disability that make the child a two-person job to look after. You need to plan for that, and make sure you have enough money to hire a live-in nanny if necessary.

If your partner is quite ASD with anxiety issues, it is more likely that the child will be tricky to look after so you need to plan for that. If he's a real high flyer, it's again likely that the child will be quite a handful, in the nicest possible way.

Sometimes things can go wrong with the Mum post-natally which mean that she needs someone to step in and care for the child. This can be for a little while, if it's the flu, or a long while, if something more serious happens. If your partner is not able to step in for you, then you need to get paid backup, and agree with your partner that that is okay and that the funding is there.

You may have to entirely give up your job, so you need to make sure that there is funding to pay for your needs and the child's. This means either your own money or your partner's money. If you are reliant on your partner's money then you need to be married to him so that if something goes wrong down the line then the finances will be shared equally.

You also need to make sure that if you give up your job then pension payments will be made for you, and life insurance will be bought and paid for. Wills need to be made.

Once all that security is in place then you can go ahead and conceive.

That means giving up contraception, and then waiting 12 days after your period and having sex every other day until you ovulate. You will know when you've ovulated because you can buy urine test sticks from amazon that will show when it's happened.

You can also buy pregnancy test strips cheaply from amazon that are the same as the ones used by the NHS. They are about a fiver for a packet of 50.

Your partner doesn't need to be in on the planning, except that he probably ought to give up smoking and drinking alcohol if he does those things normally.

About his worry about planning - you just need to bear in mind that if he has anxiety issues around planning then that is going to be an issue in your future life, and the child may be the same. It might be good to get the contact details of a good psychologist in advance to talk through how to handle anxiety. However, you will grow as a couple together, and one way or the other, you will both learn. We all did. :-) Good luck! I hope this helps.