I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

1. Get married before trying for a baby. It is more than a piece of paper. If, for nothing else, you would be entitled to longer compassionate leave (at least in my workplace) if he dies before you.

1. Some men don't like being told when their partner is ovulating as it bring pressure. Buy ovulation sticks and they should help guide you to when you are ovulating. You can find them in supermarkets next to pregnancy tests. When you figure out when you are ovulating seduce him without telling him.

1. I would look into my finances and see if they can be stretch to get regular help. Babies themselves tend to be expensive. But if your partner is not going to be there to help you, if his job is so important then it should be able to pay for any help you might need. I would search how much nannies cost.

1. There is nothing wrong with having penciled in plans to spend with your children. Would/ does he respect plans you make together? Some men give false promises of time, while others will hold it against you and refuse any flexibility. Flexibility is needed when raising children, but commitment is also needed, to give children stability.

He gets anxious about any kind of planning?

Now that would be a red flag to me.

Just track your periods on an app and it will tell you when you’re likely to be fertile, no planning required on his side. But if/when you do get pregnant there’ll be a lot more planning he will need to be involved in, where to live, nurseries, schools etc. The mental load is immense.

[quote MandyMarr]@Notagain20 yes that’s true. It’s always been like that though. He gets very anxious about any form of planning.[/quote]
Op. I don't like planning either. It makes me anxious and I feel trapped.

I have three kids as a single parent so I've had to suck up my discomfort for the sake of my kids. It's hard but my love and desire to be a good parent helps override my discomfort.

Because I HAVE to. Because I'm on my own.

Your dp has you to do all that, so it's unlikely he'll have imperative to do the same.

Have you spent much time with babies and kids OP? If you have other parents with demanding jobs in your social circle, it might be worth chatting with them and seeing what their life is like to see what your be letting yourself in for.

I think you'd either need a nanny/very long hours at nursery or to accept a major downgrading of your career. It's an unpalatable choice but your basically either not see your baby much or let your career suffer.

Before you have one, it's hard to imagine how a baby takes over your entire life, they're not a hobby you can put down - it's a 24/7 responsibility for at least 18 years.

I don't think your daft for considering having one, but you need to link your biological broody urges with actual practical everyday reality. You don't just get through maternity leave and go back to your previous life.

In terms of getting pregnant, tell him you're thinking of stopping contraception then track your ovulation with an app, it's easy. I have to say that many things about having kids are insanely stressful, if contemplating conception is too much for him, it doesn't bode well.

If you downgrade your career to care for a child then you should get married first, it at least understand where you'd stand if you end up breaking up and you have caring responsibilities and lower earning power. Or indeed if one of you dies early, falls ill etc.

Sorry it's all doom and gloom, there's usually a way to work things out but look before you leap!

Do you think his attitude to work would ever change? I.e. is he working flat out to build up a business/ gain promotion to a certain level/ pay of the mortgage sooner or is it job that will always require 95% of his time and attention? If the intense work is to reach a particular goal how far away is that goal? One year? Five? Twenty? If you think he would step back when he has achieved X which should be in 18 months time that is a very different prospect to another 30 years of him not putting his family first.

Get married first.

If he doesn't love you enough to marry you NOW, he doesn't love you enough, period.

And you would be crazy to give up your career trajectory for someone who not alone doesn't love you, but still likes the idea of you ruining your career to carry and raise his child without inconveniencing him in the slightest.

You're 35 - you have plenty of time to start over if you start over this year.

You don't sound 35. You sound 15. But I really, really love him and just want his baby. I do. I really do.

I grew up as the daughter of a workaholic, absent father. Okay, so he provided me with a beautiful home, fancy holidays and an expensive private education. But I have very few memories of my Dad because he was never around. He passed away from cancer just after my 25th birthday, and I never really knew him at all.

You need to stop focusing on your wants, and your DPs wants and focus on what a child needs - and I can assure you that no child needs an uninterested, distracted father in their life. Every child needs and deserves to feel they are incredibly important to both their parents.

You say your DP understands that children need nurturing, attention and care? So why doesn't he understand that you need nurturing, care and attention from him? It sounds to me that your bar is so incredibly low that you're prepared to wait pathetically for the crumbs from his table. Fair enough if that's what you're prepared to tolerate but you have no right to subject a child to such selfish, self centered behaviour.

I’d be protecting my financial security by protecting my career and income source.

If he hates planning then book a date at the registry office and ask him to turn up and marry you.

If he declines, you have your answer about your future. I really would not be considering having his child without being married to him.

Your posts sound as though you are hanging on to him for dear life…he wants to live in the moment but you’d rather talk it through a bit more…have some certainty about your future.

You barely see him OP. You’re not living a real life with him. How do you know you can live together as a couple?

Do you feel that he is too good for you OP?

Unless you have a lot of support in the form of friends and family it sounds like it would be very lonely if he isn't getting home until 10pm some nights

@crosspelican

Get married first.

If he doesn't love you enough to marry you NOW, he doesn't love you enough, period.

And you would be crazy to give up your career trajectory for someone who not alone doesn't love you, but still likes the idea of you ruining your career to carry and raise his child without inconveniencing him in the slightest.

You're 35 - you have plenty of time to start over if you start over this year.

This.

What's your housing situation? Do you own or rent? If you give up or scale back work and then break up will you have a home or is it his in his name?

As some one married to a man on the spectrum (although we did not know it until the last few years) I would tread very carefully. The fact that actively TTC would be stressful for him set off alarm bells for me.
My dh is quite demand avoidant and he has really struggled with the demands of parenting, and his mental health has been affected.
He has many great qualities and is loving and caring and overall probably a 'good enough' parent but he can be very hard to live with at times and I often wonder whether having children was the right thing for him or them.
Our younger child is also on the spectrum but does not need a very high level of support (and is completely wonderful, of course).
I would echo the concerns of others that you are under-estimating the stresses that parenting can bring to a relationship (we all do) and the resentment that builds up when you don't get the support you need.

@MandyMarr

Ok I wasn’t expecting people to lay into DP!

I kind of wanted advice on how to go about this with timings of sex etc given DP would be very stressed having it all planned out.Just wanted to talk it through. I don’t think it matters DP has an intense job, he is still capable of being loving.

You are completely missing the point here. Love is irrelevant. People who love their children can be dreadful parents. As a parent you do love. As the parent of a young child, love is inextricable from the work you put in to raise that child. You don’t get to decide for a child that he or she will be OK with your freakishly low expectations of this man.

You’ll be up most of the night for a long time- will he play his part with the parenting when you need a break in the evenings long before 10pm?

What if it’s twins?

Will he take time off work without planning if the child is ill and can’t go to childcare? This happens a lot. A lot!! Can’t just be down to you.

Who will drop off and collect from childcare?
Who will take to clubs and activities and pick up from friends’ ?

It’s not a viable situation. You can’t imagine how exhausted you’ll be or how vulnerable you’ll feel (be).

Christ. Your bar for a "great dad" is pretty damn low! Rule number one is to be present!

"I do think with a child he would be more present generally."
Why do you think this? Have you discussed it with him?

As a general rule it's foolish to think a man will change after having kids, most don't.

If he's a workaholic now that's unlikely to change.

Don't underestimate how difficult it is to have a young child. If you're effectively functioning as a single parent while he continues to work long hours, you're likely to become exhausted, lonely, unhappy and resentful. It wouldn't be fair on you or the child.

Child is more likely to have autism- this can be incredibly tough for a parent on a daily/nightly basis.

In the nicest possible way @MandyMarr you don't sound like a 35 year old woman, until you said how old you were I thought you were much younger than that.

I'm the same age as you but coming at this on the back of 13 years being a single parent to an autistic DS. As PPs have pointed out, a diagonsed father increases the risk of autism in any offspring. You're adamant you won't mind doing all the leg work for the child, but you have no idea what that really looks like.

If your child did end up having additional needs, you'd be in the same sort of position as me because your DP is so consumed with his work. Believe me, it's not nearly so easy as you're thinking it's going to be. Even with an NT child it's difficult, but with autism thrown in it can be hell on earth some days. Many times I've almost reached breaking point and a few times I've thought about just walking away. I think you need to seriously consider what you may potentially be letting yourself in for and take the rose coloured glasses off

Nothing about what I've said is meant to be harsh, just the truth from my own experiences

Come off contraception. But it's only fair to let him know you've come off it. You could use the excuse of letting your body have a rest from chemicals (if pill / injection).

But I wouldn't. Sounds like a disaster.

Gosh. I don’t think I’ve ever read a thread where the op goes on about how much she loves her partner before. I think you’ve written it what eight times?

Ok, don’t take a career hit if you’re not married
Do you own or rent? Do you live together? How do you share finances? How long have you been together?

I think people are being pretty rude to you here, OP. Its not called for. You're an adult that has made a decision with her partner and was just a little nervous about the next step. Sorry you've been forced to defend your relationship and your partners suutability as a father.

OP my advice would be to post on the conception threads ...you will then get the advice you are looking for . Good luck ...as long as you have your eyes wide open as to how hard it is looking after a child you will be fine . Remember many women do manage 100% on their own and have happy,well balanced children .

Sorry I am reading these just taking a break as finding it a bit overwhelming. I’m just so sad. I want a family so much and DP said he was ready. I thought it would be simple

Ready for what exactly?

What a sorry situation to bring a child into. Two parents who are so selfish and concerned with their own needs that they don't consider the wellbeing of any child they may actually create, only what they want. A woman who is unable for whatever reason to have a discussion about family planning with her partner and instead asks strangers on the internet. A man who has conveniently convinced his partner that, despite being apparently hugely successful, he finds it so very stressful to plan anything that she needs to take all of the responsibility for making things happen at home without any involvement (or even knowledge!) from him whatsoever (which is absolutely bound to extend to other life decisions).
If he frequently gets home at 10pm, those are full days that his child won't see him. Every day that he gets home after 7pm in fact is a day that his child won't see him. So how many of those will there be? Will this child ever get to experience holidays as a family? Will he be there for their birthdays? School plays? From experience, I can tell you that fathers who aren't involved in the day to day lives of their children and families in a meaningful way, exclude themselves from the family dynamic. The family members who do spend proper, quality time together become the core family and the absent father is sort of a satellite on the outside. In our case, my dad then resented us all massively because he felt left out. And we resented this bloke who showed up occasionally on a Sunday afternoon and muscled in and didn't understand the way we worked. It was fucking rubbish, frankly.

Think not about what you want or what your partner wants, but about what you can offer a child. Money is not a substitute for a present parent.