I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

@CandyLeBonBon you doubt my sincerity yet have just said yourself everyone woman on this forum believed it would be easier than it was?

I wasn’t trying to offend anyone. With respect, I sleep on average 3 hours a night with my work. I know a baby is a different situation but all I was saying was I don’t feel I couldn’t cope. That side, I’m sure I will be surprised based on these comments here and I don’t doubt I’m being naive!

@MandyMarr

I’m actually intrigued as to how I would cope in this scenario as I just don’t see it being as terrible as portrayed in some of these posts. Maybe I’m terribly terribly naive or maybe I would just accept the shit days as part of it and be ok with that.

What scenario do you mean? Motherhood with a workaholic partner who doesn’t co-parent and whom you describe yourself as ‘looking after’?

What strikes me from your posts is that you keep talking about yourself, how you would cope, how you’d be fine etc. When the point is that you’re making a whole new person who isn’t you, and who hasn’t agreed to being hunkydory with a father who doesn’t do any parenting.

And yes, I think you’re being very naive about the hand grenade that is a baby. I’m a confident, can-do person, with good MH, who had a baby in a loving, supportive relationship of more than 20 years, and the exhaustion of the early months meant that when I had to go to A and E in the middle of the night with kidney stones (DH had to stay home with our newborn), I was lying in pain on a trolley in a busy corridor, and all I could think was that I hoped they wouldn’t discharge me for a couple of hours because then I could snatch a bit of sleep on the trolley. My friends remember me phoning them and talking at them in my home language (not English) which they don’t speak. I had hallucinations of black liquid shadows growing out of the floor.

You would probably cope as many women do.

But you're not thinking about what it's like for a child to have a father who they hardly see. Children aren't stupid and will realise that work is his priority which is going to inevitably knock the child's self-esteem.

[quote MandyMarr]@CandyLeBonBon you doubt my sincerity yet have just said yourself everyone woman on this forum believed it would be easier than it was?

I wasn’t trying to offend anyone. With respect, I sleep on average 3 hours a night with my work. I know a baby is a different situation but all I was saying was I don’t feel I couldn’t cope. That side, I’m sure I will be surprised based on these comments here and I don’t doubt I’m being naive![/quote]
One thing I've heard women say is "I wish someone had told me how hard it was going to be" before they had children - me included.

That's what PP are offering you here but your answers come across as dismissive and disingenuous, as if those accounts rs couldn't possibly apply to you.

They may not in which case you'll be immensely lucky and I'd be very happy for you, but don't dismiss the very real possibility that it will be a lot harder than you might imagine.

That's all I'm trying to get across.

Maybe so @CandyLeBonBon but it’s not a reason not to, is it?!

@MandyMarr

Maybe so *@CandyLeBonBon* but it’s not a reason not to, is it?!

Solo, which you would be, it probably is tbh

@MandyMarr

Maybe so *@CandyLeBonBon* but it’s not a reason not to, is it?!

No it's not. I never suggested it was. I wouldn't change my children, because they bring me joy every day, but it makes me sad that their father is a disengaged, unhelpful and detached parent who has never and will never put either his children, or me (when we were married) front and central. I feel sad that my children don't have the father they deserve, and I know it upsets them too.

@floofyhens so those who choose to have children alone or in gay relationships, that’s presumably a mistake, too?

But many many women have babies on their own. Some by accident, some by choice, some by donor sperm. And if it’s something you are aware of I don’t see why the absolute negativity by some.

Women who are choosing to have a child single handedly are more often offered support here rather than this. Children who are loved cope remarkably well in all sorts of situations and OP seems to be clear that whilst her DP is busy, he’s more than capable of forming loving healthy relationships.

Personally I’d just stop contraception and start having sex without protection whilst using the app previously suggested to track your periods and likely fertile windows. And then take it from there.

@MandyMarr in a gay relationship you still have a partner or husband/wife?
Solo you don’t have the resentment as there’s no father in the picture from the start because you’ve done sperm donation or something. You’re going into it realising you’re alone and it’s all down to you, not exposing a baby to a poor father, and hopefully completely set up financially to afford support

I for one found having a dc those first 6 months just overwhelming. I was in a panic mode, lack of sleep, loss of identity, tied 24/7 by bf and felt trapped. I was a high flying career person and I was completely shocked by how I felt. That was with a very supportive dh who shared the load and I cried to constantly! I survived on very little sleep pre baby so thought I’d ace it. It really is a shock to the system.
Nobody can really prepare you until you have the baby tbh, people told me how hard it was but I was like ‘ ah ok thanks’
I would do it again to have my wonderful dc but women on here are just trying to prepare you and make sure you go in with eyes wide open.
I discussed and planned a baby with dh so we were both ready as much as we could be and talked about it in depth. I really think you do need to revisit the conversation at a minimum and agree that you start trying and will be reduce his work , will you stay at home etc

@WobblyMelon but I am going into it with limited expectations of him? It’s really no different to speed donation, except DP wants this

It never occurred to me that I might have twins..... But I did.

I barely slept for 6 months. Despite having a very caring, hands-on husband who was able to take a fair bit of time off work.

'Not a single woman on this forum who is commenting and sharing their experiences with you thought it would be as hard as it was.

That's why people are saying what they're saying.

Your comment here is actually quite insulting. It's as if you're insinuating that PP are making mountains of molehills and that it couldn't possibly be that bad because you have superior coping skills. It's dismissive to say the least.

I'm beginning to doubt your sincerity tbh.'

She's probably just getting fed up with people telling her how daft and naive she is, when she sees herself as a normal woman who knows it'll be shit sometimes but will cope like every other woman who finds themselves at home with the baby all day every day.

Yeah the first year is knackering and often pretty shite but it's doable and you do have a baby to love too so it's not like it's all bad.

There are plenty of children with one SAHP and one high flying career parent that is never there. It's not ideal but you're 35, you love him, you say he's a good person, you're financially secure......there are worse positions to be in.

Parenting is hard though, although (personally) I've not found it as hard as some are making out on here. I don't doubt those that have dealt with severe sleep deprivation have really struggled.... there's a reason it's used as a form of torture. Having a baby didn't set a bomb off in my life but it has changed things, mainly physically for me...... having DC1 resulted in a prolapse and it's incredibly common.... I have friends and siblings who have had the same. Just go into it knowing as much as you can about the facts.

What concerns me more than him not being around much is not wanting to marry you first. Hopefully it's just naivety but marriage protects you, legally and I would hope that any decent man would want that for his partner and children. Also that discussing TTC stresses him out. There are far harder conversations to come, far more stressful matters that will need discussing. If you're ill, or the child is ill, or you suffer a family bereavement, or your child is desperately unhappy at school....is he going to be able to have those conversations? When the going gets tough, will he stick around?

Parenting is tough and you need to be a team and have one another's backs. I'd make sure you really do before proceeding with anything.

OP, here’s a view from someone who is mega successful. Before kids I travelled the world and was totally kick ass. Currently most of my kids have popped out the other end into adulthood and I run a successful business with 85 staff. I know my shit, but despite all of that, I could not cope with my first child.
I had PND but never addressed it (other than knocking back some St. John’s wort which I could get without seeing a doctor), and I lost maybe 18 months of my life down a black hole. I went back to o work because I couldn’t deal with being at home and I still recall - 25 years later - many days when I pulled up on the driveway after a day at work and sobbed because I didn’t want to get out of the car and go inside and ‘parent’.
That’s not an extreme example of what it’s like. That’s just the kind of stuff that happens. I coped with it because I had a partner tearing his hair out trying to help me and to fix things. He got parents involved, extended family, paid help, anything that he could think of to help. Turns out my first child was on the ASD so some of the pressures were real and not imagined.
Without the proper, strong, drop-anything support that i got, I may have coped. There’s plenty that get through it because they have no choice. But I’m fairly sure that if I’d had a partner who hadn’t stepped up to the plate, one that avoided the responsibility and avoided sharing the burden fairly, well, I would have despised such a person and the partnership would have ended within 6 months.
You may be fine. But if you are like I was and your partner is the kind of person you describe him to be then you are sleepwalking into a disaster and your relationship may be very quick to disintegrate.

I think you've the wrong end of the stick op. No one is saying you won't be a good Mum and able to cope, practically everyone is saying that your relationship is unlikely to last.

Me and my dh stayed solid when our middle child didn't sleep for four years until he was medicated. We stayed solid when our eldest was diagnosed at 4 with Type 1 Diabetes. Eventually I gave up my career and became a full time carer but my dh has shared every aspect of our parenting experience from injecting a very young child and cleaning an 8 year old when he does his daily poop in his pants.

Your partner can't even cope with talking about how to have a child. Go for it but only if you are prepared to shoulder every burden alone.

If you hand on heart be totally fine with him acting like a sperm donor when that isn’t what you actually chose, then go for it. If he can’t even the conversation about having a baby And is a workaholic he’ll really struggle to be a proper parent and be any support to you whatsoever.
With sperm donation you absolutely know you’re alone. In this situation you feel he will be a loving parent at least but he can’t even have the first conversation about this like a grown up - so I don’t see how he will be and that’s not fair on a child who gets exposed to a distant dad.

What do you want from this thread?
It seems clear that you want to go ahead and have his baby, despite the warnings here.
So do you want advice about TTC with someone who is mostly working apart from a weekly date night?
Advice about support you'll need to put in place for yourself when you're struggling and he's working?
Or just for everyone to say "go for it you'll be fine"?

I'm not sure I understand why this thread has gone the way it has, there is some good advice but it is a bit lost in the doom and gloom kind of theme honestly.
I'm married to someone who works incredibly long, stressful, completely inflexible hours. He also loves his work, its in his family so no escape! It's something I actually love about him. He's driven and responsible and a proper man unlike some of the man babies you read about on here.
However he isn't here alot, we have two kids and one more on the way and it's been hard. But it suits my character. I'm an only child, incredibly independent and strong. And I can handle it.
Sometimes I cry in the bathroom or on the kitchen floor, but I pick myself up and get on with it because that's motherhood.
I do have a really good group of friends. Do you have some support OP? My family are shit so no breaks there either and friends are far away but being able to have them on the end of the phone makes all the difference. I think everyone is so different it's very hard to glean from a post what your situation is truly like.
Stop contraception and enjoy trying for a while! Don't worry about the timings and a plan! This comes if it's not happening and then another conversation will be in order.
The last point I will make is that people have pointed out that a child who may have additional needs would make life much much more challenging. People have shared the possibilities due to autism for example running in families, but your age will also play a factor now as 35 and over makes an additional risk. I'm not saying that to be harsh but as someone who is pregnant at 34 and had some difficult waits for test results and worries with this pregnancy.
All the very best of luck OP. It sounds like a stressful time for you.

I just don’t see it being as terrible as portrayed in some of these posts

That’s just because you haven’t lived it yet that’s all @MandyMarr many many women also didn’t think it was that terrible.

But as a mini ‘experience’ for you, just set an alarm for every 60 minutes tonight. Wake up, immediately get out of bed, walk around the house ‘shushing’ for 15-20 minutes then get back in bed, fall back asleep and repeat. Only sleep with something tweaking at your nipple.

Some have it like that for days, some weeks, some months. Us, we were lucky and had it for 3 months . Not sleeping for more than 45 minutes to an hour for 3 months, without a doting DP I actually don’t know how we would have coped.

You will be totally f*cked if your future child has additional needs with a set up like this. You will need all the support you can get.

He said he’d be happy if it happened but he doesn’t want the stress of planning. I take that as the pressure of the deed. And I think I would stop taking contraception and just tell him that’s what you’ve done and if it happens it happens

And those saying he won’t be a great dad don’t know anything. Having kids changes people. Me and my partner have full on jobs and we make it work

Hi MandyMarr,

I worry a bit that you are getting people laying into you on all sides in this thread. I'm not sure if you're experienced on mumsnet, but it can be like this.

You don't need to justify your decisions or your lifestyle on here even though people may behave as though you do. I just wanted to mention, as I got totally shredded the first time I asked a question on mumsnet. I had to go through it a few times before I learned to just walk away.

If you just want advice on conception without the judgement, it might be good to try this kind of website:

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/trying-for-a-baby/trying-to-get-pregnant/

Good luck! I'm sure you will have a brilliant family and be very happy.

Xx