I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

@Alcemeg

I actually think some people might be jealous of you, OP. You're financially secure and you love each other. Not all relationships fall into resentment and mutual loathing when the going gets tough.

Nope. Really not jealous of the idea that, based on his current behaviour op's partner will most likely be predominantly unavailable to both herself and her child, leading her to live a lonely kind of half-life where he offers crumbs of attention, leaving the bulk of the hard work to her?

Why would anyone be jealous of that scenario?

Jealousy doesn't come into it. I actually feel quite sad for the op that she is happy to accept so little. I understand that she loves him and accepts those risks, I really do, but it does make me feel sad that she'll most likely be doing it alone. That's a very lonely life. Perhaps I'm projecting but that's how it was for me.

That said, it's her choice, in which case I'm glad she at least has a wealthy family to fall back on should things become harder than she might have anticipated. I also hope her family can offer practical and emotional support because I suspect she'll be grateful of it.

@Alcemeg

I actually think some people might be jealous of you, OP. You're financially secure and you love each other. Not all relationships fall into resentment and mutual loathing when the going gets tough.

I have a higher income than the OP, utterly adore the very bones of my husband, and wouldn’t swap places with the OP for £100m.

Seriously. What kind of a fool could be jealous of her?

I’m really surprised people are saying they feel sorry for me! I’m very happy most of the time!

I guess it’s horses for courses and I don’t see it as much of a sacrifice as others seem to - possibly because I haven’t done it, of course. But I love DP and would look after him and his job as much as I would a baby. Maybe I’m a fool, maybe I have a warped view of things, maybe I’m deluded about the realities. I genuinely hadn’t considered half the things in this thread - of course I know these scenarios happen but I didn’t consider them in the light they are presented here. I don’t mind facing the challenges of lack of sleep and pressure. I see that as a given really. Part of it. I’ve always considered that I would be the main caregiver even before I met DP actually. I am clearly in the minority with these views though, so I accept I may well be missing something

Also people referring to jealousy and commenting on income. As someone who has always had access to money and been relatively well off, I can say with certainty that it doesn’t make for happiness. It makes life easier not happier. Hence why I don’t care about factoring it in here, we have enough to manage and that’s fine.

@MandyMarr

I’m really surprised people are saying they feel sorry for me! I’m very happy most of the time!

I guess it’s horses for courses and I don’t see it as much of a sacrifice as others seem to - possibly because I haven’t done it, of course. But I love DP and would look after him and his job as much as I would a baby. Maybe I’m a fool, maybe I have a warped view of things, maybe I’m deluded about the realities. I genuinely hadn’t considered half the things in this thread - of course I know these scenarios happen but I didn’t consider them in the light they are presented here. I don’t mind facing the challenges of lack of sleep and pressure. I see that as a given really. Part of it. I’ve always considered that I would be the main caregiver even before I met DP actually. I am clearly in the minority with these views though, so I accept I may well be missing something

Not sorry for you op, sad for you. There's a difference. Genuinely meant.

@Houseofvelour

Parenting is absolutely exhausting to the point I was looking forward to surgery so I could spend a few days in hospital, sleeping.

If you're certain that this is what you want, I'd highly recommend getting some support with childcare like a nanny if you can afford it.

I remember being grateful for appendicitis for this reason! The blissful rest and sleep following surgery, thought it was just me 😂

Oh god @Chailatteplease I can remember telling my HV that I wanted to drive into a wall so I could be taken into hospital and be looked after for a while.

It's brutal isn't it?

@MandyMarr

I’m really surprised people are saying they feel sorry for me! I’m very happy most of the time!

I guess it’s horses for courses and I don’t see it as much of a sacrifice as others seem to - possibly because I haven’t done it, of course. But I love DP and would look after him and his job as much as I would a baby. Maybe I’m a fool, maybe I have a warped view of things, maybe I’m deluded about the realities. I genuinely hadn’t considered half the things in this thread - of course I know these scenarios happen but I didn’t consider them in the light they are presented here. I don’t mind facing the challenges of lack of sleep and pressure. I see that as a given really. Part of it. I’ve always considered that I would be the main caregiver even before I met DP actually. I am clearly in the minority with these views though, so I accept I may well be missing something

You just have absolutely no clue what you're in for.

Motherhood changes you as a person. It lays bare all your insecurities. It's like a bomb going off in your life.

If you’re worried about your cycle not being super regular try Flo, my periods could be a week different in length and this helped me track them and now when I was most likely to be ovulating. We made sure to have sex at least every other day in that week. Got pregnant in the second month of trying. Definitely talk to him first though.

@MandyMarr

I’m really surprised people are saying they feel sorry for me! I’m very happy most of the time!

I guess it’s horses for courses and I don’t see it as much of a sacrifice as others seem to - possibly because I haven’t done it, of course. But I love DP and would look after him and his job as much as I would a baby. Maybe I’m a fool, maybe I have a warped view of things, maybe I’m deluded about the realities. I genuinely hadn’t considered half the things in this thread - of course I know these scenarios happen but I didn’t consider them in the light they are presented here. I don’t mind facing the challenges of lack of sleep and pressure. I see that as a given really. Part of it. I’ve always considered that I would be the main caregiver even before I met DP actually. I am clearly in the minority with these views though, so I accept I may well be missing something

Ah bless you OP.

@Newmum29

If you’re worried about your cycle not being super regular try Flo, my periods could be a week different in length and this helped me track them and now when I was most likely to be ovulating. We made sure to have sex at least every other day in that week. Got pregnant in the second month of trying. Definitely talk to him first though.

@Newmum29 how does it know?!

I’m actually intrigued as to how I would cope in this scenario as I just don’t see it being as terrible as portrayed in some of these posts. Maybe I’m terribly terribly naive or maybe I would just accept the shit days as part of it and be ok with that.

Oh dear.

This won't end well. Your poor child will suffer the most.

Are you even going to have a discussion about how it's all going to work in the future?

I think stop contraception, start prenatal vitamins and folic acid.. then if nothing happens in 6 months or a year, go see fertility docs. If you do conceive, then think about a nanny or someone to help you form a month or 6 weeks after birth (mothers help) so you can sleep and rest, if like me you have no other supports around.. plenty help and pay them well, and you'll be fine

"Motherhood changes u as a person" im intrigued about how and also a little 🤮

And im a mother to 2 little girls

I’ve only read your posts @MandyMarr but it looks as if you’ve been given a lot of stick on here. Here’s my perspective.

Before I found MN I’d genuinely never heard of ttc. In my day (I’m old!) you just stopped using contraception, sat back and waited to see what happened. Back in the dark ages, my mum became pregnant at 35 and 39 by doing that - and my dad was away during the week.

There are thousands of forces families where fathers are away for months. I know of one family with a two year old and an eight month old where he’s a pilot and he’s regularly away for days at a time. He’s a very involved dad when he’s there. Like you, they knew exactly what they were signing up to before they became parents.

It doesn’t matter what other people think. The two of you are adults, you know your relationship and you’ve thought realistically about your situation and your ability to cope with it. There are as many ways of organising a family as there are families, what works for one doesn’t for another.

@CandyLeBonBon

Oh god *@Chailatteplease* I can remember telling my HV that I wanted to drive into a wall so I could be taken into hospital and be looked after for a while.

It's brutal isn't it?

It doesn’t even surprise me that you said that to your HV. Parenting can be extremely brutal at times!

@Duggeehugs82

"Motherhood changes u as a person" im intrigued about how and also a little 🤮

I'd agree that it does. I'm a shell of my former self. It's changed me in ways I didn't expect and almost exclusively for the worse.

@MandyMarr

I’m actually intrigued as to how I would cope in this scenario as I just don’t see it being as terrible as portrayed in some of these posts. Maybe I’m terribly terribly naive or maybe I would just accept the shit days as part of it and be ok with that.

Not a single woman on this forum who is commenting and sharing their experiences with you thought it would be as hard as it was.

That's why people are saying what they're saying.

Your comment here is actually quite insulting. It's as if you're insinuating that PP are making mountains of molehills and that it couldn't possibly be that bad because you have superior coping skills. It's dismissive to say the least.

I'm beginning to doubt your sincerity tbh.

@MandyMarr

I’m really surprised people are saying they feel sorry for me! I’m very happy most of the time!

I guess it’s horses for courses and I don’t see it as much of a sacrifice as others seem to - possibly because I haven’t done it, of course. But I love DP and would look after him and his job as much as I would a baby. Maybe I’m a fool, maybe I have a warped view of things, maybe I’m deluded about the realities. I genuinely hadn’t considered half the things in this thread - of course I know these scenarios happen but I didn’t consider them in the light they are presented here. I don’t mind facing the challenges of lack of sleep and pressure. I see that as a given really. Part of it. I’ve always considered that I would be the main caregiver even before I met DP actually. I am clearly in the minority with these views though, so I accept I may well be missing something

You really want a baby and you really want your dp to be its father, and you are financially comfortable at the moment and you are happy to be doing the childcare and give up your career, so just go for it. If things are harder than you expect then hopefully you'll have help from family and friends, emotionally and practically (although you carefully avoid any questions about family support) or can buy in lots of help. You are planning to look after your partner his career and the baby so you must be willing to come last in the household priorities all the time. It sounds like you're happy with that, so go for it!

Not a single woman on this forum who is commenting and sharing their experiences with you thought it would be as hard as it was.

That's why people are saying what they're saying.

Your comment here is actually quite insulting. It's as if you're insinuating that PP are making mountains of molehills and that it couldn't possibly be that bad because you have superior coping skills. It's dismissive to say the least.

I'm beginning to doubt your sincerity tbh.

I agree.

How much time have you actually spent together? Do you live together? Have you spent two weeks on holiday together?

I'm starting to wonder if this is real, because I can't believe a 35 year old woman can have led such a sheltered life as to be so blissfully unaware of things!

The first year of parenthood brings even extremely healthy relationships to their knees. It's worth being clear-eyed about that because the total life change, sleep deprivation and the fact the baby doesn't come with an Off Switch are pretty hard going.

There's no coming home from work and relaxing. There's no couple time. If you're doing it alone without help from him, you either need to buy in help or expect to be wrung dry by the sheer effort. At the same time you may resent his not helping and he may resent your not paying him attention anymore - because you won't have the time or energy. And you'll be 36-37, which is not the same as the energy you had in your 20s. (I had my last at 37 and the difference between my first at 28 was noticeable)

It gets easier in some ways and harder in others as they grow, and for me it's been worth it. But my body is shot and my earning power never recovered. I wish I'd known about that before making decisions.