I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

You need to chat with him about the possibility of a child with higher needs. One parent definitely on the spectrum and another with traits gives you a higher chance to have a child with more needs than the parents. Although it is equally possible to have a child with less high needs than him, you just can’t plan that.

Having just one child is an option, especially if you are lucky to have one without autism. You’d get your life back quicker and need less support. Not refereeing fights or keeping one safe due to the other’s behaviour. It’s also cheaper for private education and healthcare.

I wouldn’t have had kids with my husband had I known the difficulties they would face, mostly my eldest, and the stress and restrictions placed on us both. My husband is on the spectrum and I have traits, but we didn’t know when we had kids. DD isn’t that severely impacted compared to many kids but it’s still been much harder than a typical kid and there’s very little support available to parents. My husband is very hands on and involved, deliberately quitting a job that involved travel when DD was a baby, he sounds less severely affected than your partner. I wouldn’t have coped doing it alone. Although I know some ASD babies can be easier, mine screamed a lot and didn’t sleep through consistently until in school. It’s no surprise that marriages with a SEN child more often end in divorce.

Although DD is amazing and I’ve fought for her, it’s just incredibly stressful, for us and for her, and not a life we’d have chosen. DH doesn’t deal well with stress and I found the relentlessness of parenting a high needs child suffocating.

There’s nothing wrong with having a baby with him as long as you both go into it with your eyes open. What support do you have if he won’t be available? Have you spoken to his parents/siblings about what he was like as a child? If you can’t cope what will he do?

Ignoring all the relationship stuff, just get cracking with sex. Ignore all the ovulation stuff to start with, aim for every other day if possible, and enjoy yourself for a few months. Dont make it contrived unless you need it to be

[quote MandyMarr]@BroccoliRob I thought that it needed to be timed completely. I’m a bit worried as my cycles can range from 28 days to 32 days so really I’ve no idea about ovulation. I know I could do sticks to check but it probably changes each month[/quote]
If you're having regular sex then one or two of those times will fall into the ovulation period. My cycles are much more irregular than yours and I got pregnant by accident twice and then third time on our first month of trying.
I absolutely know that it is not anywhere near that simple for a lot of people but with you describing the way you'd like to conceive, I think it's a good starting point.

if youre an autistic person and you want to have kids, of course theres going to be the possibility your kids will be autistic too, but 1. thats not the end of the world, and 2, its not like you get to try again in the next life to try and not be autistic.
Autistic people have the same desire for children as anyone else.
I think someone that already knows their struggles before they start out is going to have a better chance of managing the challenges than someone who might not be aware.
Id just not have too many, but autistic people can make brilliant parents. Not every family has to be standard to work

If you’re certain you want to TTC with him you need to buy some ovulation tests and start taking them around 10 days after the first day of your period. As a general rule of thumb it’s a good idea to have sex on days 10-18 of your cycle if you have fairly regular cycles. Doesn’t need to be every day, every other day is fine.

I don’t think I’d be happy in this set up at all though. It doesn’t sound like he’s around very much so raising a child may be difficult and you might become resentful.

OP you are not addressing the question of marriage. If you do end up with a dc with additional needs, on your own, you may not be able to go back to work and on top of that you’ll be on your own financially. Your parents may be wealthy but surely your dp should be willing to put his name (and commitment) to his dc before you have any.

You’re doing this the wrong way round. Have an adult conversation with him about how he is going to commit post dc, get married then try for dc. Her you are worrying about contraception when you have bigger fish to fry.

autistic people can make brilliant parents. Not every family has to be standard to work

Absolutely, 100% agree. But having a child in this situation and just quite nonchalantly saying ah its okay I'll just do everything whilst keeping my own income and job is ridiculous naive.

I actually think some people might be jealous of you, OP. You're financially secure and you love each other. Not all relationships fall into resentment and mutual loathing when the going gets tough.

@Alcemeg

I actually think some people might be jealous of you, OP. You're financially secure and you love each other. Not all relationships fall into resentment and mutual loathing when the going gets tough.

That's hilarious! An up to 85% chance of having a child with a condition that may mean, there's no way of knowing, you have to stop work entirely, become a full-time carer, a child who may never speak or live independently, with a partner who's not emotionally there, yeah, that's a lot to be jealous of.

@Branleuse

if youre an autistic person and you want to have kids, of course theres going to be the possibility your kids will be autistic too, but 1. thats not the end of the world, and 2, its not like you get to try again in the next life to try and not be autistic. Autistic people have the same desire for children as anyone else. I think someone that already knows their struggles before they start out is going to have a better chance of managing the challenges than someone who might not be aware. Id just not have too many, but autistic people can make brilliant parents. Not every family has to be standard to work

I am an autistic parent and I'm pretty awesome at it. And I adore my child and genuinely would not change them. They or me are not the issue. The issue is the general lack of societal support, and for us personally a complete lack of local/family support.

Nobody has ever offered to look after my child overnight. They're nearly seven. Nobody wants to do the dirty work.

There's a lot of dirty work to be done.

We had a whole month last year where our child took it upon themselves to only defecate in their own bedroom. I cleaned up faeces 10x a day.

OP should know that this could well be their future, as they have an autistic partner and have a very high likelihood of having an autistic child themselves, and if their partner is off flying high and becoming a captain of industry they 100% will be the person left forgotten and ignored, up to their elbows in shit.

I agree with CandyLeBonBon on the wealth issue.
"I happen to think £180k income is pretty wealthy. Nothing snide, I would feel incredibly wealthy if I had that household income, but I don't, and neither do a lot of other people and I think it's a bit tone deaf to claim it's anything other than an incredibly high income that brings with it a set of privileges otherwise unaffordable."
Surely a household income of £180k is the top 10% or possibly 5%.
It does irritate me when privileged people are completely unaware and uninterested in acknowledging just how privileged they are!
I swear people should have to volunteer at citizens advice or a food bank or homeless shelter for 6 months as some kind of national service!

[quote MandyMarr]**@PurpleFlower1983* he’s not a surgeon thankfully! @FlowerArranger* not all jobs pay according to the time spent. Objectively I have a high salary. I actually work most hours of the day and weekends. It’s just part of my everyday life. That’s how it is for most people who have a career.

Thanks to those being supportive. It is obviously good to hear about things I should think about even if difficult to consider but for balance it’s nice that some posters have answered my actual question which was how to go about this dates wise etc given DP feels he will be pressured to perform if I tell him dates[/quote]
That’s not how it is for ‘most people with a career’. Most parents with a career — and that’s a lot of people — cannot allow work to take over their lives to that extent, because your young child doesn’t give a shiny shite if you’re saving the world, saving a life or writing the best novel of the 21st c. It’s not that work stops being consumingly important to you, but you have to work more intelligently and intensively in shorter hours curtailed by childcare and your child’s needs.

DH and I and virtually everyone else I know — and I’m thinking of lawyers, journalists, consultant medics, politicians, artists, academics, professional musicians — have in fact become more productive since having children, because of working harder and smarter within hours curtailed by our need to be available to our children, and around available childcare. But you simply can’t continue to work ‘most hours of the day and weekends’. DH is CEO of a major sports organisation and I have a demanding professional job, but since we had DS, we both cluster things for which we need to travel very strictly, turn down far more things, are brutal about overrunning meetings, and are basically far more efficient.

Before you start checking your ovulation and throwing away your contraception, I would make very sure your partner understands that his life, and his work life, will not continue as before. You don’t get to decide your child is ok with one parent ‘doing the legwork’ and the other so work-immersed he only in fact maintains a relationship because the other person makes big sacrifices — a child won’t be guaranteed to be as delighted with crumbs of time as you are.

You're financially secure and you love each other. Not all relationships fall into resentment and mutual loathing when the going gets tough.

That raises a relevant question. MandyMarr is this the first time when the going might really get tough in your relationship? Have you had any of the "big" stressful life events happen to you while you've been with him, times when you needed support and empathy from your partner, or times when you needed him to step up and remove some of the important everyday practical burdens from your shoulders? Life events like, say, loss of a parent or sibling, or unemployment, or serious illness? And if any of those have happened to you, has your partner been able to support you through them?

Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread but what has struck me is all the planning around having a baby these days!
When we had our first twenty years ago it was just a matter of us saying 'wouldn't it be nice to have a baby' and hey presto two months later I was pregnant. Must say it was still a shock and there followed many months (9 to be precise) of us panicking, wondering WTF had we done and how we would cope.
We managed. We adjusted. We had another.
It feels as if in this 'modern world' everything is over thought.
Had we reallly recognised the impact on our finances and mental well being we would never have embarked on becoming parents.
As it is we adapted and learnt and embraced our new life of madness.
Your DP has expressed his wish to be a parent so just go for it.
FWIW it sounds as if your child will be much loved and anything else is a learning curve, as it was for all of us.
Best of luck

Pp who said marriage is just a bit of paper?? Really , what partner has spun you that line? It financially protects you, even if you’re well off like op, if you end up taking maternity or being a sahp your career and earning potential can be massively impacted. All while you support your partner’s career. Not to mention protecting you and making things a hell of a lot less painful and complicated if your husband passes away or is seriously ill. You aren’t considered next of kin. I can’t believe some people still see as a bit of paper still.
Even just having the same family name is an important part of being married imo.
As well as showing you there’s a commitment to you for life, because your partner loves you and is unafraid of taking it to that level of commitment. Plenty of threads with women with multiple children, sahp with a partner who doesn’t want to get married. Dangerous territory

@WobblyMelon

Pp who said marriage is just a bit of paper?? Really , what partner has spun you that line? It financially protects you, even if you’re well off like op, if you end up taking maternity or being a sahp your career and earning potential can be massively impacted. All while you support your partner’s career. Not to mention protecting you and making things a hell of a lot less painful and complicated if your husband passes away or is seriously ill. You aren’t considered next of kin. I can’t believe some people still see as a bit of paper still. Even just having the same family name is an important part of being married imo. As well as showing you there’s a commitment to you for life, because your partner loves you and is unafraid of taking it to that level of commitment. Plenty of threads with women with multiple children, sahp with a partner who doesn’t want to get married. Dangerous territory

Surnames are irrelevant, and I know virtually no one who has changed her name or marriage or given her children her husbands name, but the OP is very financially comfortable now because she devotes all her time to a well-paid career. Given that she anticipates that she will be doing all the actual rearing of this child, while her boyfriend schedules the baby one ‘date’ a week, her career is likely to take a major hit, and her financial situation far more precarious. It is then that she will need the legal and financial protection of marriage.

I think having the same surname is important, I didn’t want to be called something different to my dc or them to their dad, but anyway my main point was the financial aspect

'Pp who said marriage is just a bit of paper?? Really , what partner has spun you that line?'

Aren't women capable of independent thought any more?

In response to timings for conceiving: I think having sex every other day is ideal. Stop drinking and smoking. Take prenatal vitamins or just folic acid and vitamin D. Cut down sugar. Do some exercise but don’t massively increase it.

I easily conceived my 3rd at age 34 and my 4th at 36. Had a miscarriage in between (more common after 35 I believe). My friends have all had similar stories of east conception, but some are yet to have babies after trying for years with lots of loss and heartbreak. It’s not due to age, though.

I think you’ve taken people’s advice very well. You’re very financially sorted which will help to pay for a part time nanny- I’d start saving for this as it will be a gamechanger.

@JewelGarden

'Pp who said marriage is just a bit of paper?? Really , what partner has spun you that line?'

Aren't women capable of independent thought any more?

Because it’s the line trawled out on many many threads I’ve read by male partners not wanting to get married. I’m sure there are women who think it’s a bit of paper too. However, if they are sahp or going to be then they need to understand the consquences. If they are richer than the partners ( have seen one of two threads) then they are protecting their assets by not marrying. Either way it’s not a bit of paper

‘About’ not ‘by’ male partners

OP the thing is nobody knows what’s round the corner, the best laid plans are all very well but then things happen out of the blue to change all you had planned.
That is just how life is and any one who says it’s not is themselves naive.
OP you seem to be aware that a baby could be (most probably will be) hard going, you finance are relatively stable, you have a secure home and you and your partner love and care for each other.
I think based on those points it’s not unreasonable to have a child.
Circumstances are rarely ‘ideal’, life is never perfect but if you’re prepared to give you best, even when times are tough that’s good enough.
Stop contraception, be healthy, start saving and have sex very regularly.
Mother Nature will most likely take care of the rest.
Good Luck x

@Peppapeg

autistic people can make brilliant parents. Not every family has to be standard to work

Absolutely, 100% agree. But having a child in this situation and just quite nonchalantly saying ah its okay I'll just do everything whilst keeping my own income and job is ridiculous naive.

well not if they get decent childcare. Its only one kid

And there it is, right on cue... The never mind, op, they're only jealous line.
🙄 How utterly tedious.

@GreyhoundG1rl

And there it is, right on cue... The never mind, op, they're only jealous line. 🙄 How utterly tedious.

I am definitely not jealous of being a bit on the side to someone who is clearly more in love with their own career. Our family income isn't that far off OP's anyway, but I cannot imagine feeling jealous of that set of circumstances.