I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

Honestly? You're setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak, Op.

He has already made it quite clear to you the sort of family man he will be. Believe him. Why pursue that and willingly bring a child into your lifestyle??

@ChairOnToast

Are you married OP? You refer to DP rather than DH. It’s bad enough having a child with someone who is mostly absent (and who you will likely grow to resent) but having a child with a man that you are not married to is equally ill advised. I realise you say you earn as much as him so are perhaps financially independent, but what about the money you’re sacrificing by having a child? Will your maternity leave be completely covered? Will you go back to work full time or part time? Who owns you house and what would happen to it if you separated?

Marriage is not the be all and end all. You don’t have to be married to have a child. Unfortunately marriage doesn’t come with any guarantee. I don’t think anyone should be telling her she has to get married before having a baby. Maybe she doesn’t agree with marriage ? At the end of the day marriage is a piece of paper. You can be fully committed to someone without being married.

Hi OP - I haven't read all the replies and I know you've "bowed out" but I just wanted to say that, through personal experience, I would predict that your career would take a huge hit and resentment might grow in your relationship, leading to contempt which equals the death of the relationship. Been there, done that, getting the divorce.

I was married to my workaholic - suspected mildly ASD - high flyer. He was often away for a week or weeks at a time. I went into it with my eyes open, like you. But once the baby was born my whole world changed and his life pretty much stayed the same. He was still a workaholic while my life revolved around DC. The quirky personality traits and habits I'd indulged before DC became annoying and upsetting - you might feel okay about sitting at home alone or holidaying without DP, but it's a totally different kettle of fish explaining to a DC why their DF isn't around/interested/engaged/fun like their friends Dad's are. Raising a DC can be brutal - you need to be with someone who has your back, not someone who has other priorities and will make you feel sidelined and unimportant. My ex now lives close by and has DC every other weekend - so he's the typical Disney Dad and to be honest it's just business as normal, doesn't feel to DC that their relationship has suffered at all (because it was always thus!). Think hard.

@billy1966

God help you OP,

You really haven't a clue about whzt could be ahead of you.

Your whole relationship hopping about accommodating him.

You aren't married.

You have a high chance of a child with issues which you are going to somehow combine with a demanding job....love to know how you will do that?

No financial security.
A father who prioritises his job and is easily stressed.

Do you have any idea how stressful NT children are? Not to mind special needs.

You are in cloud cookoo land and won't realise that until you have landed yourself in it without an survival plan.

You sound extremely naive and immature.
Both of these will cost YOU dearly.

I hope this thread gives you some pause for thought about how naive, vulnerable you are.

Do not have a child until you mature and accept the massive limitations of your situation and realistically look at protecting yourself.

What is wrong with people !!!

People have children as young as 16 without the dad present & still are amazing mothers to their children.

So what she isn’t married !! She doesn’t have to be married to be in a committed relationship. I have friends who have children & their dads work away 5/6 days a week that doesn’t mean they are a bad father.

All the comments on here are truly awful. The more I read the more shocked I am becoming.

No financial security ? What have you based this comment on ? Because he priorities his job doesn’t mean there is no financial security. Actually quite the opposite as he clearly has money & the ability to provide for a child.

Children with special needs seem to be a massive burden to most of you on here. My son has additional needs & I have never ever once thought of him as anything but a loving child who has difficulties . Even on days when it’s hard I wouldn’t change him for the world.

The whole thread is full of comments by people who obviously think they have some god given right to judge her and her situation.

Just offer advice without the nasty remarks. She doesn’t sound naive and immature at all.

I would just have a convo with him to double check that you're on the same page re coming off the contraceptive before you do, and maybe a casual conversation around how you'd both like to parent, and how you see your lives if/when you have kids.

I know what he means about not wanting to 'try' as think it'd really stress me out as well so maybe just a really clear convo that you're taking the step together to 'leave it up to nature'. And maybe agree a timeframe to re-visit the convo if it doesnt happen to consider starting 'trying' more strategically. But in the mean time just have fun with it and enjoy eachother.

I'm really sorry a couple of the previous comments are quite judgy (i could be reading wrong) but i think if you're going into this with your eyes open and you're both on the same page then thats all that matters. You know your partner better than anyone basing him off of one paragraph on the internet. I know plenty of 'workaholics' who are brilliant dads.

This is a tricky one. I have a Facebook friend who is a nurse. She was seeing a surgeon for about 10 years. They never married but they had had all the chat about children and the future etc. She earned her own money but he afforded them a very good lifestyle, she’s a lovely person and stunning. She fell pregnant accidentally and he literally dumped her the next day when she said she was keeping it. It came out of nowhere and she was left as a single mum. She’s with a lovely man now and here baby is 5 years old but the surgeon kicked her out and has had nothing to do with either of them. I would have more of a conversation if I were you!

OP, I will go against the mainstream opinion - do it. You won't be a "single parent", as so many posters noted in horror - you will still have financial help from him and - even if minimal - domestic help. As long as you go into it with your eyes open, it will be ok. There are worse qualities in men than work ethic.

I am a single mother of two with a good career, separated before the second was born. Zero support or help from anyone, unless paid for. And while yes, while childcare etc is extortionate and motherhood can be exhausting at times, it is not impossible.

I also agree with @forinborin I would just do it. So long as you go into this with your eyes wide open and not be back here in a year posting threads complaining about the lack of support from your husband and how your soooo tired and expected to do everything 🤷‍♀️ - this will be very much a case of "you make your bed you lie in it"

If I may say so, Missaljenk, your bar appears to be quite low.

...when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship

And he doesn't get home till 10 pm most days? And yet he earns under 100k... something doesn't add up. Why does he 'need' to work such long hours and not take holidays, but only earns a good but not very high salary? This is just weird.

Fwiw in London a bomb-proof nanny (reliable, experienced, drives perhaps) working 7-7 Mon-Fri will be around £30-35k. That’ll come out of your net salary/salaries.
No, it won't be that. £35K for those hours (as a cost to the nanny employer - ie also after employer NI, pension, insurance, payroll admin) will be around £10 ph to nanny. It is not a bomb-proof experienced nanny who drives, in London it is the going rate for a nanny who is a new entrant to the profession, often with a basic grasp of English only. It would be more prudent to budget for around £45K total cost. But yes, in case where both careers have to continue, it is usually worth it.

I would bet my mortgage on this man being a stand up comedian.

And if he is... good luck!

@Missaljenk you are missing the point about marriage. You're right it is a piece of paper - a piece of paper that offers financial and legal protections to the person who ends up taking a financial hit as a direct result of a relationship breaking down.

It means that, should anything go wrong in op's relationship, and her career/pension/earning capacity suffered as a result of having children, that she and their child would be protected.

It's common sense. Romance is lovely but a marriage contract is a legal recognition that affords (mainly) women protection. To suggest otherwise is incorrect.

@PurpleFlower1983 he’s not a surgeon thankfully! @FlowerArranger not all jobs pay according to the time spent. Objectively I have a high salary. I actually work most hours of the day and weekends. It’s just part of my everyday life. That’s how it is for most people who have a career.

Thanks to those being supportive. It is obviously good to hear about things I should think about even if difficult to consider but for balance it’s nice that some posters have answered my actual question which was how to go about this dates wise etc given DP feels he will be pressured to perform if I tell him dates

[quote MandyMarr]**@PurpleFlower1983* he’s not a surgeon thankfully! @FlowerArranger* not all jobs pay according to the time spent. Objectively I have a high salary. I actually work most hours of the day and weekends. It’s just part of my everyday life. That’s how it is for most people who have a career.

Thanks to those being supportive. It is obviously good to hear about things I should think about even if difficult to consider but for balance it’s nice that some posters have answered my actual question which was how to go about this dates wise etc given DP feels he will be pressured to perform if I tell him dates[/quote]
Has he told you his thoughts on marriage @MandyMarr?

@CandyLeBonBon yes he would like to but isn’t bothered about a timeline before we do this etc. I am not fussed about marriage. I have (currently) more assets and more to lose than him financially.

[quote MandyMarr]**@PurpleFlower1983* he’s not a surgeon thankfully! @FlowerArranger* not all jobs pay according to the time spent. Objectively I have a high salary. I actually work most hours of the day and weekends. It’s just part of my everyday life. That’s how it is for most people who have a career.

Thanks to those being supportive. It is obviously good to hear about things I should think about even if difficult to consider but for balance it’s nice that some posters have answered my actual question which was how to go about this dates wise etc given DP feels he will be pressured to perform if I tell him dates[/quote]
I don't think you have to have set dates - just come off contraception and have sex as normal - it'll happen. And if it doesn't then you can start looking at planning things more. Good luck.

@BroccoliRob I thought that it needed to be timed completely. I’m a bit worried as my cycles can range from 28 days to 32 days so really I’ve no idea about ovulation. I know I could do sticks to check but it probably changes each month

[quote MandyMarr]@CandyLeBonBon yes he would like to but isn’t bothered about a timeline before we do this etc. I am not fussed about marriage. I have (currently) more assets and more to lose than him financially.[/quote]
Fair enough. Well if you think you can handle it all, knowing the potential pitfalls, then happy baby-making!

[quote MandyMarr]@CandyLeBonBon yes he would like to but isn’t bothered about a timeline before we do this etc. I am not fussed about marriage. I have (currently) more assets and more to lose than him financially.[/quote]
Also, if it's any help, my now exH also didn't like the term 'trying for a baby' - like your dp, I think it made him feel pressured. I told him I wasn't using contraception and that pregnancy was on the cards and I got pregnant the first month of (not) trying. I think he was annoyed it didn't take longer to conceive actually and he was utterly useless both as a husband, when I was pregnant (I had some rare complications that could not have been predicted) and later when my eldest was born.

The mechanics of getting pregnant, (assuming no infertility issues), is the easy bit!

@CandyLeBonBon did you do it on particular days? My cycle is a bit irregular so I don’t always know when ovulating as it changes. It can go from 28 days to 32 days. Also I feel worried I am nearly 35 so could take ages.

@MandyMarr there is a super book about timing for conception - Toni wechsler taking charge of your fertility. On Amazon. I had two children at 36 and 40 - it’s very doable.

But might be worth just taking a few days to think through all the various things people have aired here.

[quote MandyMarr]@CandyLeBonBon did you do it on particular days? My cycle is a bit irregular so I don’t always know when ovulating as it changes. It can go from 28 days to 32 days. Also I feel worried I am nearly 35 so could take ages.[/quote]
I used the temperature method when I was starting out but based it roughly on ovulation occurring around 12-14 days after the start of your last period. I always knew when I was ovulating though, which I guess helped. I used to get 'mittelschmertz' so I was v aware of my fertile days (also the only time I actively fancied my exH but that's another story!!!)

I got pregnant both times on the last day of my (longish) periods. Wildly irregular from 21-45 days.

Just have sex often all month. Until you are pregnant. Which may take a few months, a few years or never happen.

Do talk to you DP about the future though. Because your current approach is complete daft. I would state now that he must take his full paternity leave. Preferably as you go back to work so he fully understands parenting. Don't be a martyr you'll be doing all of you a disservice.

Agree what nights/days/weekends might look like. Ask how he will support you in a concrete way. Talk about nappies, night wakings all the shit stuff etc

Asking questions now is normal before diving into something that will change your lives forever.

Also how will he change his work/home balance for ever? His child will need to see him while he is actually awake. So will he be home for bath time every day? Will he be doing school runs later on?

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I don't think autism is a reason not to conceive if you really want to, but you have to weigh up the possibility of looking after a child who may have it which would be very demanding. But then you could probably afford help on 180k.

VERY very naive considering he has a diagnosis and she believes she's on the spectrum herself - the overwhelming likelihood is any of their progeny will also have the condition and again, the kind of help needed is going to be extraordinary, not to mention that many times having such a child means one of you has to give up work. Even if the couple are both NT, autism is one of the conditions that results in the most divorces and splits.

When you have a condition with a known genetic component, having a baby just because you fancy is 'most people just cope' is beyond irresponsible. It needs a lot of thought and discussion and the OP's partner is incapable of such.

Im sorry but a parent of a child with autism and is on the severe end i find that quite a offensive thing to say, like ur implying its truely better to not have a child at all than have a child with autism.