I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

@CandyLeBonBon thank you x

OP, I've had my dc with a workaholic, you do grow to resent the lack of commitment to anything but their work, you won't understand why your little baby isn't more important to him, when it is to you. The more pressure/demands you get on the home front, the more a workaholic will withdraw to work.

But as naive as you are, this is what you want, so...

You get married BEFORE ttc.
You financially plan with you dp, setting money for
A cleaner
A nanny
Childcare
You don't give up work
And you realize he will be a DONOR, with the occasional Disney dad inputs.

@MandyMarr

This is probably very naive but why does everyone think a child would have serious problems? I know it’s possible but DP holds down a good job and is loving and kind. I think I’m mostly ok?! Just wondering. It had obviously occurred to me that they may be on the spectrum (I may be too although not diagnosed) but I didn’t think it was a huge concern. We both function.

It depends op, and obviously there are no ways to accurately predict the future. I think people are just trying to point out the possibilities because we've been through it and it was a shock, how hard it was.

My eldest is autistic and completely unexpected. It does make everything much harder ime.

You might get the mist laid back baby on the planet and wonder what the fuss was about (my friend's first was like that). You just never know what you're going to get - rather like Forest Gump's box of chocolates!

Yes, but its a matter of perspective isnt it. Its an almost pointless discussion to have.

And your tone was snide.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Yes, but its a matter of perspective isnt it. Its an almost pointless discussion to have.

And your tone was snide.

Well if that's how you read it that's down to you. I wasn't writing it to be snide, to you or anyone else.

Im going to bow out of this thread now I think. Its turned a tad nasty for my liking. Have a nice day @candylebonbon. Hope everything works out for you, OP!

Hey OP, morning. Again no need to answer but think about how your income would fall if your work took a step back. And how much of your join earnings now are yours as opposed to his.

I’d also reiterate again that you really really ought to get married before ttc - even leaving aside separation down the line, what happens if he’s hit by a bus tomorrow?

And think for yourself (there’s no right answer imo) what you see life being like with a young child - do you want to be back at work asap? Will you want a three/four day week instead of FT.

Fwiw in London a bomb-proof nanny (reliable, experienced, drives perhaps) working 7-7 Mon-Fri will be around £30-35k. That’ll come out of your net salary/salaries.

Even if you were with a more emotionally open partner these kinds of issues really need thinking about before you make the decision to have a baby.

You too @Letsallscreamatthesistene

I’m 35 in a few months so wouldn’t have time to start over really

I had my first at 38.

why does everyone think a child would have serious problems?

Because the child's father is a man who needs "dates" with his wife. Children don't do "dates". They need what they need, when they need it. And they don't perform nicely all the time. He isn't going to cope with the pressures and demands of fatherhood. And I am wondering how well you will cope with what will be (in effect) single parenthood (with him looking on) since you seem pretty naive about it.

And you don't get to order an "easy" child. You could get a child with a serious disability, or simply a "difficult" child. And you'll be on your own with it. You say that "people" cope. I would say that some do, some don't. Would you?

Lots of people do have children with "high-flying" careers, but something has to give as children are HARD work.
So either you both make work sacrifices, or one of you cuts your hours down. Either that or you pay a full time nanny who will pretty much take over most of the parenting.
As well as that you will also need lots of support from your own parents, friends, siblings etc.
I am saying this as someone who had the same thoughts as you before I had my first child. I thought it would be difficult but I'd cope. I did not cope AT ALL and I was verging on suicidal.
Second child was easier because I forced my DH to take time off, booked in friends to help for weeks and weeks, took 2 years off work, cut down all demands etc.
I definitely think this is doable for you but you need to have an honest conversation with your partner about the demands a child will bring.

@MandyMarr

This is probably very naive but why does everyone think a child would have serious problems? I know it’s possible but DP holds down a good job and is loving and kind. I think I’m mostly ok?! Just wondering. It had obviously occurred to me that they may be on the spectrum (I may be too although not diagnosed) but I didn’t think it was a huge concern. We both function.

I function. My husband functions.

Our child less so.

You really are being incredibly naive. But you won't realise that until you go through with your plan.

As I said I do think I would feel resentment towards him but overall I would be happy

...wow.

There really aren't words for the depth of your naiveté about this.

@MandyMarr I am in a special needs mums group for families with dc with asd. In my group the needs range from non verbal, child needs to attend a special school and is doubly incontinent with a learning difficulty, to very academic but suffers severe anxiety and school refusing, to the extent the mum can’t work. All the parents function and have had jobs but the children are much more severely affected in some of the families. Many of the parents now suspect adult family members are on the spectrum.

My best friend from school is a very high flying professional herself - high 6 fig salary etc. She likely has asd but is undx. Her dp is nt. Her ds is late teens, has moderate autism, no GCSEs, potentially will not be able to live fully independently as an adult. He has much much more significant needs than his mum. He was more or less non verbal until 4 and struggles with peers.

If you are both likely to have asd there is a fairly high chance you will have a dc with asd and the needs can vary hugely.

I’m not saying don’t do it! My dc both nd and nt are my world and I adore both dds. Just do go into this with eyes open

why does everyone think a child would have serious problems?

Because the father has diagnosed autism. It's known to run in families. It's a spectrum condition and there's no way to now what you'll get before the child is born, but there's a seriously increased chance of having a child with this condition if one parent has it.

@osbertthesyrianhamster and op is saying she may also have it herself, so an even higher chance here

[quote Foxhasbigsocks]@MandyMarr I am in a special needs mums group for families with dc with asd. In my group the needs range from non verbal, child needs to attend a special school and is doubly incontinent with a learning difficulty, to very academic but suffers severe anxiety and school refusing, to the extent the mum can’t work. All the parents function and have had jobs but the children are much more severely affected in some of the families. Many of the parents now suspect adult family members are on the spectrum.

My best friend from school is a very high flying professional herself - high 6 fig salary etc. She likely has asd but is undx. Her dp is nt. Her ds is late teens, has moderate autism, no GCSEs, potentially will not be able to live fully independently as an adult. He has much much more significant needs than his mum. He was more or less non verbal until 4 and struggles with peers.

If you are both likely to have asd there is a fairly high chance you will have a dc with asd and the needs can vary hugely.[/quote]
This.

I really feel for my son, he talks about having a family himself, but the reality is that he may pass on his condition and it may be more severe, unless there comes a means of testing for it prenatally, which I hope there is. He hates having it.

@MandyMarr

This is probably very naive but why does everyone think a child would have serious problems? I know it’s possible but DP holds down a good job and is loving and kind. I think I’m mostly ok?! Just wondering. It had obviously occurred to me that they may be on the spectrum (I may be too although not diagnosed) but I didn’t think it was a huge concern. We both function.

Yes, it is hugely naive.

You've said your partner is on the spectrum.

You've said that you are likely on the spectrum yourself.

A child with two autistic parents is likely to be autistic. And that can be relatively minor or a lifetime of being non-verbal, incontinent, you name it. And anything in between.

Having a good job does not mean that an autistic person does not struggle. In some ways it can be worse because such a person will be assumed to be NT and allowances will not be made. (If someone is non-verbal, etc it will be obvious that they have a disability.)

It is much easier to function without dependants than it is with them. Right now, you have only yourself and your partner to think about, not a dependent child who will need a lot of time and support and attention (whether autistic or NT.) ALL children need a lot of love and support and boundaries etc etc if they are to grow up balanced and healthy.

If both of you are autistic and your child is NT, that too comes with a load of problems.

I'm writing from first hand experience of these issues.

Of course it is a huge concern!!! And that you seem so unaware of all this is very concerning in its own right.

I also think you need to look further than just having a "baby". Lots of people think that it will be hard for the first few months/year with sleepless nights and then everything will be fine.
Lots of issues crop up over time and can be completely outside the reams of what you would expect. I have a friend whose child has functioning ASD but she has had to give up work completely due to the unpredictability of it and the amount of time of school he has had due to anxiety. This child is now 13.
I have other friends who have neurotypical children who have serious allergies, type 1 diabetes, asthma, vision problems, one child has just recovered from a brain tumour. I honestly don't think I have a single friend whose child hasn't had some sort of difficulty where the parents have had to take a chunk of time of work, go part time, etc. The only person I know who hasn't had to sacrifice her career is a lady who has a full time nanny, mum and sister on board for almost full time childcare. But sadly this work ethic has meant that her marriage has failed.
Just trying to give you something to think about here before you jump in at the deep end.

What are you going to do for childcare etc, you need to work this out, particularly as you have a career yourself. Nanny? Nursery? Reduced hours? How does it all impact on you and your finances? Working full time 9-5 with a young kid is demanding and tricky to juggle everything, never mind additional hours.

Op, in case statistics help, it might be worth looking at this report of a piece of research - if both parents scored high on autistic traits there seemed to be an 85% change their dc would have a diagnosis:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.livescience.com/amp/46641-parents-of-kids-with-autism-traits.html

I just want to be absolutely clear that while autism can of course be a distressing experience for many children, actually there is so much to celebrate for many many autistic children - loyalty, sense of justice and potentially special interests can bring incredible talents eg for music / maths. It is such a wide spectrum.

But you need to think really carefully - can I manage with an autistic child with very little help from my partner? I wonder if your parents or siblings might be good people to chat to about this, if you are close?

Sorry 85% chance of a diagnosis

@mandymarr

I think you need to stop asking strangers on the Internet for their opinions and just go with your gut feeling, that's how babies are usually made.

It sounds like financially you are in a good position and would regret not having a child.
I don't think autism is a reason not to conceive if you really want to, but you have to weigh up the possibility of looking after a child who may have it which would be very demanding. But then you could probably afford help on 180k.

I've seen some pretty b*tchy comments in this thread and some very rude assumptions about your life from here. So, typical mumsnet, no one knows you or your life and ultimately it's your decision to make.

No one is ever ready for a baby, but most people do cope.

@Foxhasbigsocks

Op, in case statistics help, it might be worth looking at this report of a piece of research - if both parents scored high on autistic traits there seemed to be an 85% change their dc would have a diagnosis:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.livescience.com/amp/46641-parents-of-kids-with-autism-traits.html

I just want to be absolutely clear that while autism can of course be a distressing experience for many children, actually there is so much to celebrate for many many autistic children - loyalty, sense of justice and potentially special interests can bring incredible talents eg for music / maths. It is such a wide spectrum.

But you need to think really carefully - can I manage with an autistic child with very little help from my partner? I wonder if your parents or siblings might be good people to chat to about this, if you are close?

Spot on. It's a very wide spectrum. My son is an amazing person, he's extremely intelligent, loyal, sweet-natured, has many talents. But he's harder work than my NT children. He has two co-morbidities, too - ADHD and OCD. The NHS does not deal well with either and tend to doubly fob off people who have an autism diagnosis. Again, it's cost us a fortune because we once had an awful GP. We have to fight for everything or pay for it. He's on 3 meds which keep him able to go to school normally and on an even enough keel just now. Without them, he'd be completely out of control. And again, he's got ASC1, 'high functioning'. ANY blip in his routine and he's a mess. For example, we had a long weekend here last week, Friday and Monday off school (Scottish bank holiday) and my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and a family friend came over from another city. MIL has been told numerous time not to bring over sweets for him as he then expects them forever. She did anyhow. Between that and the change from routine, it's taken him all this week to adjust again. He's had several violent meltdowns.

I feel terribly sorry for him, as he does seem to want a family, but he and his partner need to have their eyes open. I really, really hope there is a way of diagnosing it prenatally one day.

I don't think autism is a reason not to conceive if you really want to, but you have to weigh up the possibility of looking after a child who may have it which would be very demanding. But then you could probably afford help on 180k.

VERY very naive considering he has a diagnosis and she believes she's on the spectrum herself - the overwhelming likelihood is any of their progeny will also have the condition and again, the kind of help needed is going to be extraordinary, not to mention that many times having such a child means one of you has to give up work. Even if the couple are both NT, autism is one of the conditions that results in the most divorces and splits.

When you have a condition with a known genetic component, having a baby just because you fancy is 'most people just cope' is beyond irresponsible. It needs a lot of thought and discussion and the OP's partner is incapable of such.