I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

@MandyMarr

Sorry that should say we are NOT massively massively wealthy!!!!

A joint income of £180k and you don't think you're massively wealthy?!

OK

@Duggeehugs82

I think u have had a hard time on here, i think u mentioned he has autism that doesnt automatically mean selfish it just means hyper foucsed which is fine. Some people doesnt need to spend all their time with their partner and has very fulfilling lives. And yes having a child is hard bit if u have the money then u can get help with cleaners maternity nurse etc. I say come off contraception and see what happens

You clearly don't know much about the range of traits that can affect people with autism.

It really isn't 'just hyper focus'

I dont think 180k is counted as massively wealthy either tbh

Would he sacrifice his work when he had to, though? Because that's the "when push comes to shove" bit of it. For example, I'm currently heavily pregnant, and I can't walk without a lot of pain - so DH has rearranged his work schedule to do all the school and nursery runs for our older kids, take them to all their activities, and is doing all the supermarket shops. He's previously taken sick days or unplanned leave from work, eg when I had a vomiting bug on maternity leave and was struggling to look after the baby. We take turns to do dinner and bedtime (meaning he leaves work bang on 5 on those days), because it is tough doing it every single night on your own. A friend's DH stopped taking work trips once she was 7months pregnant because she developed a huge fear of giving birth without him. Etc etc.

Basically what I'm saying is: will your DP be able and willing to make changes to how he works and lives when you and any child need him to? Because while I've sacrificed more than DH has for our kids, he has given up a lot of things too, including work opportunities, and it would have wrecked our relationship if he hadn't.

That's the conversation I'd be wanting to have with him in your position, not "shall we go for it?" but "what do you think will and won't change if we have a child"

@Foxhasbigsocks

Setting aside what individuals may or may not manage, the most recent research on working mothers of dc with autism I have seen - about 7 years old so there may be more recent stats said only 11% of dms with dc with an asd dx worked full time.

So 89% of dms with dc who had a dx did not work full time. A third of those dms who didn’t said they would like to but couldn’t.

So the most important point is that many many mothers of dc with sn find it very difficult to continue high flying careers by working full time.

I couldn't work, nobody would look after my child. Including DH.

but I think he would always do the right thing by me

Omg despite being massively wealthy (personally I wouldn’t put £180k per year in the massively wealthy bracket) you come across as quite naive.

If you want a baby then get married.
Then have the baby. Fgs protect yourself.

As pp have said even a NT child puts a huge strain on any relationship. If for any reason you can’t return to work how would your finances and life look without any input whether financial or emotional look

Children are fantastic but no one can explain how, especially in the first few months what it feels like to exist on 2 hours sleep each night.

Do you think you wouldn’t feel resentment when your Dp is snoring away by the side if you oblivious to their child’s needs.

The pregnancy is another issue. I wouldn’t have been able to work through both of mine. I spent so much time throwing up or feeling really really shit.

How would your life work without a job and a child and being a single parent. If making a decision on actually deciding to have a child is too stressful then an actual baby/child would send his stress levels soaring.

Tbh I would find it very disrespectful that a dp/Dh could make decisions in his day to day work but making a decision on a child is somehow beneath his pay grade and is a decision for the people below him to make and he will put in an appearance when he is ready

People can change though, surprisingly.
DP had a career that was everything to him, long hours, lots of days off cancelled, never home on time, we only saw each other once a week for 2 years until we moved in together. Even then if he was on a nights rota midweek we’d not actually see each other awake for 4+ days and we lived in the same house. So I get it, I do. I had my own life that I was happy with and I loved the independence and excitement of it all still feeling ‘new’ after such a long time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

Then.. we had DC. Fully planned, ttc for 1 year. And that job and lifestyle that id not cared about before turned into hell. For both of us.

Those night shift rotas meant I was on my own for days and he’d come home to me and DC crying on the living room floor. It really was hell on earth, worse than being actually alone because they’re around.. sort of.. but not for you. Don’t underestimate how incredibly tough it is to look after a new baby, with things like colic/cmpa/reflux or what ever else can happen that means they’re uncomfortable and you just can’t catch more than 45 minutes sleep. It’s relentless, do it with someone who will be there or on your own. Just not with someone half there.

4 months into parenthood he switched to wfh m-f 9-5 to be around more, to be able to parent more, to see DC grow up and have an actual part in raising them. Life is great now.

If you’re an adult of 35, you can’t just “get lax with contraception”. You need to start folate, stop hormonal methods, possibly use barrier methods for a couple of cycles, have a health check at the GP, then get ready for regular appointments, scans, possibly feeling nauseated and tired, paying attention to your body in case of hypertension or pre-eclampsia, having gestational diabetes tests, booking into hospital, thinking about who your backup is if things get tricky after the birth - babies are just one plan after another, and that’s just pregnancy.

If he can plan for work I bet he can plan for this. I think he is telling you that he likes the idea of a child without any of the work, and that’s not parenthood.

If you go ahead you need to plan for a major external support system.

@Bythemillpond I specifically said that it WASNT massively wealthy. I am aware of that!

As I said I do think I would feel resentment towards him but overall I would be happy

When you're surviving on snatches of 45 mins sleep at a time, your nipples are on fire and you are at the end of your rope - would be be willing to cancel or postpone a work commitment to stay and help you?

[quote MandyMarr]@Bythemillpond I specifically said that it WASNT massively wealthy. I am aware of that!

As I said I do think I would feel resentment towards him but overall I would be happy[/quote]
I think £180k income per year is pretty bloody wealthy tbh! Oh how the other half live!!

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I dont think 180k is counted as massively wealthy either tbh

@Letsallscreamatthesistene yes I specifically said it wasn’t massively wealthy. I corrected my post underneath straight away!

What I meant was, my mortgage is almost paid off, I am lucky I have a wealthy family if it came to it and we earn well at the moment. I do not consider this massively wealthy but I am also not concerned.

@cripez I totally get that

Op just to run a scenario past you - let’s say (heaven forbid) you and dp split. You won’t be able to get a divorce payout as you aren’t married. You would be really well advised to get legal advice on that and what you can get in place to protect yourself.

You have a child with asd perhaps, so let’s say you personally can’t work ft.

I think you really should bear in mind that finances might still be a huge issue for you, as you would need to pay bills and private help for kids with sn can be very expensive. Eg just private speech therapy is over 2.5k per year for dd, if you were planing on going private then support in class can be say £300 a week for kids with sn, on top of fees, which are £12k plus annually as a minimum even in prep. And can be much more in london.

Do you have savings?

OP if you want to see an example of how motherhood can affect a person look at Kate Lawler on Instagram.

Pre baby she was all 'Oh this is going to be so wonderful, we'll be a family, I'll sleep when the baby sleeps etc'

Post baby, well, it's all on her Instagram. She got a big shock.

Ah ok x posted with you. If you have wealthy parents who would cover you and dc if dp left then I can see you will feel you have at least some kind of a safety net.

Is not being married your dp’s choice?

@cripez I know I can’t know how it will be, the gruelling reality. But people do it and cope.

@MandyMarr i do worry you are not factoring in having a dc with sn. Most parents of sn children I know would say they are barely coping at times. My dc are just wonderful, but the gap between parenting nt amd nd children is huge

I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work.

You have no idea what a "great Dad" is. Your sentence is totally contradictory. A "great Dad" does not leave someone else to do the legwork.

Your choices are: to have a baby with an inadequate father and try to fill the gaps yourself and buy in extra help to give you physical and domestic support and help with childcare, but you can't buy attention for yourself or your children if their father is giving all his time and attention and focus to work; or to find a different father.

[quote MandyMarr]@cripez I know I can’t know how it will be, the gruelling reality. But people do it and cope.[/quote]
You are at least ten times more likely than a non neurodiverse couple to have an autistic child.

An autistic child can be like your husband. They could also be non verbal and incontinent at 14.

You are definitely not factoring this in.

@cripez I agree with every word of your post.

Op I know it’s scary to think of having a child with significant sn. But please do at least think it through

@candylebonbon I think you're being deliberately snide now, because you've taken a disliking to the OP.

@MandyMarr

If you want to do it then just work it out in your head. That way you will have a contingency plan for every event. Bring a mum is great but a lot of women can't handle staying at home. Would he be happy paying his share of childcare and cleaners etc? If you DO stay at home will he be happy giving you total access to his money? And topping up your pension etc? Will you both contribute equally to any extended maternity pay or will he support you? If you have two children that turn out to be autistic and you CAN'T work as you can't get care due to the severity of their condition can you accept that? ( I'm not being rude or offensive, I'm a mum to 4 kids, two with serious additional needs).

As long as you know you can deal with it ask them crack on. But (andi say this as gently as possible) don't be upset if three/four years down the line you find yourself unmarried, without a career and with a kid or two while he swans into the sunset with another woman, a house and cracking earnings potential. Make sure you have a plan in place.

[quote MandyMarr]@cripez I know I can’t know how it will be, the gruelling reality. But people do it and cope.[/quote]
Yes they do cope, you're right. But it's so much better for everyone, to face an engaged, present committed partner.

At the end of the day you'll do what you want to do, and that's fine. At least you are aware of the potential pitfalls so can make a more informed decision.

I understand the desire for a child and wish you all the luck and happiness in the world op.

This is probably very naive but why does everyone think a child would have serious problems? I know it’s possible but DP holds down a good job and is loving and kind. I think I’m mostly ok?! Just wondering. It had obviously occurred to me that they may be on the spectrum (I may be too although not diagnosed) but I didn’t think it was a huge concern. We both function.

[quote Letsallscreamatthesistene]@candylebonbon I think you're being deliberately snide now, because you've taken a disliking to the OP.[/quote]
I haven't taken a dislike to anyone. I happen to think £180k income is pretty wealthy. Nothing snide, I would feel incredibly wealthy if I had that household income, but I don't, and neither do a lot of other people and I think it's a bit tone deaf to claim it's anything other than an incredibly high income that brings with it a set of privileges otherwise unaffordable.