I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

Do thinks he has the right to discipline but comes down hard because he barely knows our kids. I've had to get my son to build positive relationships with other make family members to fill the gap that he doesn't have with his father. The father he lives with but is mostly absent.

And yes, doing EVERYTHING, cooking, cleaning, life admin, child rearing, medical appointments etc while working is truly shit. If you have a child with this man, your workload with a child is going to increase 6 times over. Can you really see yourself working 7am -midnight 7 days a week for years? Because that could be your reality. Even if the baby goes to bed at 7 you're going to be catching up on housework etc. I think you should try a month if trying to work with about 3 hours sleep before you decide to try for this baby. Then imagine that that could go on for many months.

When my DP does "help" because he has no clue about the kids, I come back to a shit storm so it's never ever a proper break for me.

It can be so lonely looking after a baby and thas even when your DP is around. You will be exhausted and probably end up resentful.

And have a child with daddy issues who spent more time at work than with his child.

But, I get it if you're 35 and really want a baby. I would just make plans to pay for a regular, weekly babysitter so that you get some time to yourself.

I feel like I have to be the Mum and the Dad. So, if my son wants someone to fix his bike, that's me, if he wants food, that's me, if he needs new furniture putting up, that's me, need something from the loft, that's me, need his clothes washing, that's me etc etc

Almost everything my kids have learned has come from me. I honestly can't think of much that my DP has taught me kids. Well, except to teach them that I'm a slave to the family and that he'll let them down regularly and not to expect much from him. That when he says he'll do something for them, it likely won't happen until I do it for them instead or that he'll always be late for everything.

@Jim1980Bob Sounds so so difficult (understatement). Exhausting for you.

Fact is men can usually walk away, absorb themselves in work, get out of the house and generally carry on their lives. They can say ‘Sorry my job is really demanding at the moment. I need to focus on it. It’s important.’ What can you say if they are the main earner because you have had to give up work or take a back seat career wise? You can’t force them to spend more time at home if they choose not to.

Being a low priority when you are not a parent is one thing because you can go on holidays with friends and throw yourself into work and hobbies. Being a low priority when you are a parent is a different beast altogether.

The other day, my son spent the whole day thinking his Dad was in the office at his desk when my DP had actually been meeting a friend. It's so normal for my son to not see his Dad while we're all together in the house he just assumed that his Dad was where he always is, in the office.

And that's even though we're all on "holiday" so his Dad isn't technically working.

But, I never regret having the kids. I'm never lonely and they're the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's been hard but they've been worth it.

I just had to accept that I couldn't ever really rely on my DP. I now have outside help when I need support.

OP if your DP wanted a family he would be able to have a adult conversation about marriage and when your going to start trying. that's just basic emotional intelligence.

He has not offered either just that he said wouldn't mind if you got pregnant once whilst he was half pissed.

He needs to grow up and stop leaving this all down to you. I think deep down you now what the response will be if you just came out with "so are we getting married then?' Or 'Right ive stopped the pill lets try for a baby' - he is going to avoid it like the plague.

Why are you allowing him to keep you dangling?

Does he want to get married?
Does he want to have children? if yes when?

These are all normal questions you should be able to ask him.

He doesn't want to 'plan' to have a baby because it gives you the green light to stop taking the pill. Its his get out clause.

Dh was one of these type of dads. Rarely there for the children he shared a house with.

My children are young adults now and there is no connection between them and their father.
Dh worked away for 2 weeks out of every 4 and would leave for the office at 6.30am and not be back till 7.30pm when he was in the country.

It got to a point that the children didn’t even realise he had gone.

@KeflavikAirport

She won’t and up divorced, because she’ll never get married in the first place. She sees this guy once a week.

Once a week, seriously? You're quite deluded if you imagine he's ready to play happy families with a baby, op. He doesn't even want to share his life with you.

God help you OP,

You really haven't a clue about whzt could be ahead of you.

Your whole relationship hopping about accommodating him.

You aren't married.

You have a high chance of a child with issues which you are going to somehow combine with a demanding job....love to know how you will do that?

No financial security.
A father who prioritises his job and is easily stressed.

Do you have any idea how stressful NT children are? Not to mind special needs.

You are in cloud cookoo land and won't realise that until you have landed yourself in it without an survival plan.

You sound extremely naive and immature.
Both of these will cost YOU dearly.

I hope this thread gives you some pause for thought about how naive, vulnerable you are.

Do not have a child until you mature and accept the massive limitations of your situation and realistically look at protecting yourself.

Once a week, seriously?

Actually I think I misread the OP in fairness. She says they have dates once a week, the rest of the week he comes home after ten at night. Doesn't change the fundamental situation though.

Are you willing to do it, basically alone?

My partner doesn’t get him till gone 10 and he manages to be a great dad. Not everyone works 9-5 office jobs....

Thanks for the posts. I do understand that it isn’t the ideal situation. The ideal would be DP home the majority of the time. But that’s not my reality and never has been. This is who he is and he is engaged, caring, loving, wonderful when we are together. Those of you saying that will turn into resentment if we do this, when it isn’t just us, I believe you. I can well imagine that happening and I also don’t know how I would react to my career taking a huge hit when his doesn’t. I would probably be overwhelmed with feelings about it and grow to resent that too. I can see all of this. But ultimately I love him and don’t want to do it with anyone else. I have had relationships in the past with men who were constantly around, it was nice, it was in many ways easier. But I have fun with DP, real fun, it’s not ‘intellectual conversation’ all the time as a poster suggested, it’s just laughter and care. I KNOW those things will disappear either temporarily or completely if I’m knackered at 10am after no sleep and he’s off progressing his career. I’m not a total idiot. I also know I can’t really comprehend the impact without having done it. But I don’t want someone else’s child.

@MandyMarr have you thought through having a child with asd, maybe considering what it would be like if your dc is more impacted day to day than your dp?

You sound like a really happy and loving couple, but as an sn mum to another potential sn mum, it is so hard and with no exaggeration has nearly broken most sn mums I know. Might be worth a pop onto the sn boards here and have a read.

As for income, we are massively massively wealthy. I am lucky I have a 20k mortgage left, he has a 150k mortgage left. Between us we earn 180k. I know that will drastically change if I’m not working but people cope on much much less and I’m not about to start worrying about finances. As much as we are lucky to earn what we do, it’s been a long time since money has mattered. I don’t want anything material, I’m quite happy in primark and living a quiet life if it came to it.

Sorry that should say we are NOT massively massively wealthy!!!!

When he says he wants a baby but then can't discuss details because it stresses him out, presumably that makes you realise he won't he able to have any tricky conversations once a baby arrives? What if the baby has additional needs? If you have post natal depression? If you have a difficult pregnancy with complications? If you / he lose your job or become unable to work?

Do you genuinely feel that in those situations he would step up and support you emotionally and practically at the level you need? Be honest with your answer, it's really important.

@youvegottenminuteslynn he has an unusual approach to support, he can be awkward about things. But ultimately yes he is very very caring, very sensible and careful about things. I could be wrong, you can’t know for absolute certain how someone will be but I think he would always do the right thing by me.

Op if you’re sure you want to do this with him my advice would be:

1. Get married first
2. Talk to him about how he would change his life and what compromises he would make for a child
3. Come off the pill and just dtd every other day in the middle part of your cycle (if you are fairly regular with a cycle of around 28 days). If after a few months that hasn’t worked then you probably will need to start planning more carefully and that will need cooperation from your dp

Good luck

I think u have had a hard time on here, i think u mentioned he has autism that doesnt automatically mean selfish it just means hyper foucsed which is fine. Some people doesnt need to spend all their time with their partner and has very fulfilling lives. And yes having a child is hard bit if u have the money then u can get help with cleaners maternity nurse etc. I say come off contraception and see what happens

You say he is sensible and caring but how does that tally with someone not being able to cope with any kind of planning? You can't even have a conversation with him about trying to conceive.

You do realise babies and children require constant planning?

You are being very foolish. Love isn't enough.