I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

I live on my own with him and his dad is in America . I cope absolutely fine.

This isn't a thread about being a single parent though.

OP is presumably happy with her DP. It sounds like she considers the sacrifices she's made worthwhile and enjoys her life with him.

The problem is she wants a baby with him.

You can find 1000+ posts on MN from 'coping absolutely fine' single mothers, working full time and running businesses and owning homes. But the ops question wasn't "i want a baby with an unavailable man and am fully prepared to become a single parent if it doesn't work out."

It was the opposite. Op is in love with her partner and cannot imagine doing it with anyone else.

Op needs to balance what she currently has with her career and partner against the very real risk that she may lose both if she has a baby.

For her, the risk could be completely worth it. Great.

All posters are saying is eyes open. Be aware children can break relationships easier than they can make relationships, and protect yourself financially as much as possible (i.e consider marriage before you quit your career).

I love how I try show compassion for the OP & just mention the fact that some of you are not very nice & you come back with bullying tactics then when I don’t allow you to bully me you tell me to grow up !! Or accuse me of trying to get attention.

Some of you seriously need to take a long hard look at yourselves. Not at any point have I been rude all I have done is try to show support to the OP. Some of you have basically attacked me for speaking up about your comments , when that’s not worked you have questioned my parenting & the time I spend with my child as well as basically accusing me of lying about my job. When that didn’t work you then found fault in me saying girls because you all feel I should of said women. Then when I prove to you that the term girl is not solely for children I get told to grow up and stop attention seeking ...

Bullying at its finest..

Not one single person on here needs advice from people with such poor mentality & lack of understand and empathy & no amount of trying to belittle me will prove you are in any way right.

@Missaljenk

Gosh I’ve really got under your skin haven’t I 😂

My daughter collects my son from school and by the time they get home I am there. She doesn’t babysit my son other than to walk him home because he gets anxious on the school bus which he is entitled to travel on.

I don’t employ any under 18 year olds & my business is indeed very demanding. What’s wrong with that ? Does it annoy you that I work hard too like it seems to annoy so many of you that the OPs partner does.

I never mentioned my business as a way to show off or anything I merely stated that I run my business as well as working and caring for my son with special needs.

Don’t come at me with your bullying comments because you have nothing relevant to say

Jesus. You've got some major issues or a chip on your shoulder about something to be so irrational about this and post sucj absurd responses to people postint very rational and thoughtful emotional advice.

OP, I think a lot of posters are being unnecessarily harsh. Until you've had children it's impossible to know how it will be. But there reason people have been so strident is that so many of us have been the ones on our knees with exhaustion, careers in tatters, in bed by 8am while DP is still at work and seething with resentment - and that's even us with partners who don't prioritise work to such an extent as yours. My partner and I share a lot of care but he works shifts so I do a lot of evenings and bedtimes solo ana sometimes I can barely look at him after a bad week. And that's with a very even split of care, and a very involved dad.
It's hard to capture in these posts the sheer amount of mental and physical work involved in parenting. And that's without special educational or medical needs. If you had a disabled child, how would DP help you cope for example? And in the early weeks you need a lot of physical and emotional support post partum - if he's straight back to work is there anyone else who can stay to help you?
Ultimately posters are trying to protect you from a future where you have a wonderful child but where your resentment - predictable or not - builds to the point where you become a solo parent.
Having said all this, you might decide at 35 the risk is worth taking rather than potentially missing out on being a parent at all.
It is of course possible that your DP'a attitudes may change as he gets older but if autism complicates it then maybe not

My DH is not such a workaholic as yours, he does do long hours though. When we started trying he was working away for half the week every week and it was very much my decision to start trying. I just told him I was getting my coil out and that was that...

For practicalities check out fertility friend and learn about your cycle. We didnt have loads of time to try so it was important that I knew when I was ovulating. It was easier as DH was on board with baby making once I'd made that decision so I didn't have to try and have "spontaneous" sex when he got back from a business trip at 1am, I'd just tell him it was a good time to try.

Since having the baby the travelling has stopped which is something we planned to happen (we actually moved house and he changed role to facilitate that). I've stopped working though. I wouldn't have done it without being married unless I had inherited wealth or similar.

1. Don’t be careless with your contraception until you are both on board with having DC.

1. How many hours a week does he work in a typical week? You said sometimes he works until 10pm and doesn’t take holidays off! If he can’t spend time to you, then he will be a crappy dad with no relationship with his DC.

1. Discuss him cutting his hours down. Why should you have to stop your career to raise a DC basically on your own? You’re kidding yourself if he’ll be an actively involved, enthusiastic dad.

How long have you been together? You don’t sound compatible with each other. He cares more about work than you and a potential family. I know you said your 35 and concerned about fertility, but it’s not right to bring a DC into this.

OP do not do this
My dad was a 'workaholic' and never had time for me and my brother
We have no relationship with him whatsoever now as he refused to put us before his career at any stage. I don't doubt he loved/loves us but that's not enough.
My mum now regularly tells us that while she would never be without us, she would never recommend anyone having a child in those circumstances as she still feels now that she lets us down in facilitating my dads career

Even with the very best of intentions, many mothers find that once they have a baby their career stalls. Even if you put baby in nursery for FT long days you still need to take time off to cover sick days and have some maternity leave. Please of women realise that this isn’t what they want for their child once they are born. I wouldn’t go into this without agreement and discussion from your DP that you will marry and share finances.

I would be concerned that conceiving a child in the manner you are intending leaves you open to future accusations from your DP that you ‘trapped him’. Plenty of men grow resentful of their families when the reality of less personal spending money, decreased freedom and attention from their partner set in. I have known loads of men who ‘blame’ their partner for the children to avoid taking responsibility for the decision to have them.

@Missaljenk

Yet again a judgemental comment !! Regardless of what you think I should and shouldn’t write like it doesn’t change the fact that I do indeed work with mothers and children & have done for many years. So your comment is just ridiculous in all fairness.

This is exactly what my point is. So many on here are just bullies who think they have a right to judge people who are asking for help. The lack of empathy is what shocks me. Your comeback to my comments is to try belittle my opinion & comment on how I don’t talk like you think I should.

I would say welcome to MN, but this thread seems to have attracted some grade A bellends.

I’m sorry but you are underestimating it massively. I have an 8 week old so I can totally appreciate how naive you are because I was exactly the same. It is so so so hard.

You think there will be moments of resentment but they won’t just be moments, it will be overwhelming.

You can’t appreciate how exhausting feeding can be, trying to get them to sleep etc etc - imagine how snappy you get when you’re hungover and tired. Try doing that every night for years.

And then seeing a partner who’s well rested and loves work when you’ve given up your career (even if temporarily there are so many stats that show mothers careers stall and fathers soar).

It’s a recipe for disaster. Being 35 isn’t a reason to do it. I’m not saying leave him but have a really serious conversation with him about your expectations of parenthood.

Read how not to hate your husband after kids and actually have the awkward conversation. Trust me when the baby’s here you won’t give a shit about not stressing him out. Your baby will be your priority.

If you insist on doing this (which frankly sounds like it would be a very lonely parenting experience) I would do the following. I would suggest you get married (if he is autistic, the chances of having an autistic child increase and you really don’t know what kind of investment of time and energy that would involve, you may never go back to work). If you both have high flying careers I assume getting a nanny and a a housekeeper are affordable to you, do that. Assume no help from your DP.

Having a kid is HARD, I mean HARD, I basically cried through the first year and for a few months my DH had to look after our DD at night after doing a full day at work because I was in no fit state due to PND. It was awful for all of us. I have a cleaner in 5 days a week, all I have to do is look after my DD and a bit of cooking, still I find it hard ( might just be me though, maybe other people find it a breeze).

Honestly I wouldn’t in your shoes but you sound like you have money to throw at it. What you can’t fix is an absent parent. My DH definitely priortised us over work but it’s impacted his career somewhat. Is that something your DP would actually be able/want to do? No-one really knows what kind of parent they will be until they have a child.

I’m financially self-sufficient, but I wouldn’t have a child with someone who didn’t want to make an economic commitment to me. Motherhood will cost you financially, even if you are a high-earner. It might not be that big of a deal, but it does still come with a cost. Your partner should want to make sure he helps cover as much of that lose as possible.

Or in other words, if marriage is something you believe in doing some day, it should be done before kids. If you don’t want to be married, then you need to do something else to formalize your relationship from a legal and economic standpoint before you have kids.

As for timing, our reproductive endocrinologist recommended a schedule of every other day.

And yet you've only been here 24 hours?

@WorraLiberty nail on the head. It's disingenuous, GF nonsense.

@MandyMarr

He definitely wants a child, it matters to him a lot. He has always talked about it but only recently said all of this about wanting it to suddenly happen. He is on the spectrum and actually planning something like this would cause him stress and anxiety, which he has expressed to me himself.

If your blokes autistic the chance of you having a kid with ASD are quite high. This isn't something I'd like to willingly go into knowing I'd be mostly on my own. Your world will change more than you thought.

What makes you think he'd be a great dad? Are you fairly young by any chance?

My husband is obsessed with work. We both earn average salaries, so no financial gains.

It has caused so much resentment since having kids due to his selfishness sbout work. As I have aged, it's become harder and harder to live with. I am bitter about it.

I wouldn't be with a workaholic again. I certainly wouldn't have kids with him.

Sorry, I see you are 35. I waa 32 and idealistic. Now I'm 48 and wondering what I'm doing with somebody who loves a mediocre job more than anything.
My kids notice too now they are teenagers.

You know your partner the best OP.

Personally would not fall pregnant unless you both agree that you are TTC.

My DH is very business minded but he has always had time for us, we are his priority and he has showed that many times over the years.

It sounds like your DP wants children but doesn’t want to take the responsibility himself. So that tells you a lot him.

If you decide to have a baby, you need to go into it with your eyes wide open. Having a baby is very demanding, but also for most women the best thing you will ever do.

Good luck with whatever you both decide, I hope it works out well for you.

Honest to God I think you will end up divorced if you have a child with him. It's all fine and well when you are both busy with your jobs but when your job is changing nappies, dealing with the baby alone, getting 3 hours of sleep and having no help, possibly dealing with colic and maybe some health issues of your own, doing 40 loads of washing a week and so on, then things won't seem so reasonable to you.

It's clear he won't sacrifice his job at all. Its more important than your job and career isn't it?

So you will be a full time mummy and homemaker who is alone all the time. Lovely little life you'll have there.

All this will do is build resentment. And once that sets in you're done.

So he will plan when it comes to his job, but planning a baby "stresses him out?" .. I don't understand WHY people who are THAT dedicated to their job, get in to relationships in the first place when they KNOW the person waiting for them will never have their attention or dedication 100%. Good for him he's hard working, I admire that but WHY just have someone in the background sitting around waiting for you?

OP, personally I wouldn't have a baby with a man who just wants it to "be an accident". You'll regret it in years to come. If he can't dedicate his time to you now, he'll never do it for a screaming baby when they're being cheeky, throwing tandrums, keeping you up at night.

Do you want a baby?

Or are you going with what DP wants? What if DP said he doesn't want kids. Would you stay or go?

No, you can't just stop contraception without telling him. My DH and I had a couple of conversations like yours when he turned 30 and started to feel ready for children. Eventually I had enough faffing round (I was really broody, had been for years and he knew that) and just told him one day look, I've stopped taking the pill, and that was the start of us not trying not preventing. We would go through phases where we maybe wouldn't bother at all one month, then another month one of us would feel particularly enthusiastic about trying. But it's important that it's something you know you're both getting into and decide to do together, because you don't want him resenting you for steaming ahead into pregnancy without even telling him you're coming off the pill, even if you're sure you won't resent him for working all the time.

She won’t and up divorced, because she’ll never get married in the first place. She sees this guy once a week.

My DP is a workaholic and is also on the spectrum. He was the same as your DP pre kids.

Things are much worse now that we have kids. You are seriously underestimating how hard life is going to get. It's also not good for the child's self esteem. I watch my son's relationship with his father. He's a pre teen but he's so negative about his dad as he wants his Dad there and he's continually let down. His Dad promises he'll do something together and 5 days later, my son is still waiting. Then, randomly, DP will be really over the top with discipline. DP thinks he knows best bland has the right to