I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

@sausagepastapot

And I totally disagree with the super planners above. Plenty of people have babies every single day, that are totally unplanned and have not at all been prepared for, and it generally works out absolutely fine

Don't overthink it. Life is too short.

I'd agree wholeheartedly with this.

If you absolutely must break yourself on the altar of this man, as it appears you will whatever anyone says, at least get married for some security when there's a massive spoke in your earning potential.

I work with someone whose husband agreed to having children if she did all the work. We have had years of her terrible behaviour because she is knackered and carries it all, everything, the kids, the cooking, the house work. She has what she wanted, is miserable as sin and takes it out on everyone around her. Her life is miserable so everyone's life is miserable.

Hi OP, I can’t comment on the raising a child part (and other posters have done that already) as I’m 14 weeks pregnant with my first. However, I’d have really struggled with trying to conceive and early pregnancy without a partner that was present.

TTC is lonely. There’s often just the two of you that know but you’re proposing it’s just you. If you conceive relatively quickly, it won’t be too much of a problem but other each month that passes it becomes lonelier and lonelier. It gets harder to get your period. If your partner isn’t aware that you’re TTC he’s not going to understand why you’re crying in the bathroom after getting your period again. That time that you convince yourself that you’re pregnant, you have nausea, feel tired and you felt a pinch type cramp on the left of your uterus and you’re convinced it’s implantation, then your period arrives and you can’t even cry with him because he’s not there/doesn’t know.

It took us 10 months to conceive, so within normal and healthy limits. It was 10 months of frequent sex, even if we were both tired from work, we’d suck it up and go have sex. We were two months away from going to the doctors and asking for tests. You can go for tests at 6 months if you’re over 35. How are you going to tell him that you’re going for tests or that you need to start fertility treatment?

I’ve not cooked in 10 weeks. My nausea is worse in the evenings. Most evenings I’ve lay on the couch trying to work out whether exhaustion or nausea is the dominant feeling. From what I can gather my nausea has been about average, I’ve certainly not needed anti-sickness tablets and I’ve mostly made it through without vomiting continuously. I’ve still not been able to cook because I can’t stand the thought of cutting raw meat or the smell as it cooks. DH has had to cook everything with the kitchen door shut. I am able to give very little warning between hunger and passing the hunger threshold too much and finding myself vomiting. If your partner isn’t home until 10pm, how are you going to eat if you’re unable to prepare food? Being hungry makes the nausea worse, it’s a vicious circle. There are evenings I’ve been asleep at 8.30pm and been really annoyed when DH has woken me up at 10.30pm. Again, if he’s not home until 10pm when are you going to be spending time with him?

Pregnancy is an anxious time. When you feel a twinge, a cramp. When your symptoms disappear for a day. When you have spotting. When you’ve eaten something you shouldn’t have or done something you shouldn’t. Your mind rushes to the worst scenario. If your partner isn’t there, that’s a lot of anxiety to manage by yourself and you’ll probably end up spiralling.

Both DH and I are planners. Both enjoy researching things. We’re the type of people that take three weeks to research a place before we go on holiday and then we spend months researching where we want to visit when we’re there. We’re both overwhelmed with the amount of planning and researching we have to do for prams, car seats, maternity pay, childcare. And it’s only going to get worse as the baby is here and gets older.

I know it’s not what you want to hear but it’s not as rose tinted as you’re imagining. If you’re really prepared for the type of life on offer, then tell DP that your stopping contraception. Or say you want DP to cut back on his hours at work and he needs to follow this up with action before you start trying. With the latter, how long are you prepared to give him to show that he can make a change and be around? Be prepared, that time will further feed into the not enough time to start again thoughts though.

Personally I would day have a chat about coming off contraception and taking the if it happens it happens approach. Do not just take what his said as the green light to get forgetful. He could suddenly change his mind once you find out your expecting. You could say your considering coming off it at some point would he want to know when you do or not.

• sausagepastapot And I totally disagree with the super planners above. Plenty of people have babies every single day, that are totally unplanned and have not at all been prepared for, and it generally works out absolutely fine

Don't overthink it. Life is too short.
I'd agree wholeheartedly with this.*

Life is short, but I can tell you that each day and sleepless night can feel like a decade in the wrong situation.

I didn’t plan my first 2, and whilst it’s worked out in the long term, it was insanely hard for the first couple of years and during pregnancy.

Each to their own but I remember my DH found having sex to make a baby a huge turn on.

It won’t ‘work out fine’ if, as would be the probable outcome, OP ended up as a single parent with her ex spending little time with his DC.

Even on v high pay it’d be very, very hard to juggle a full time, challenging job and parenting, when parenting alone and using paid childcare.

Frankly In your shoes I’d want to be married or have some kind of legal protection before having kids....

You have to run the scenario through in your mind like a video.

One thing for a dad not to be completely around when the child is small but as that child grows and knows his dad prefers work to him/her then do you honestly think a teen is going to take any notice of either of you.
One parent is too preoccupied with his greatest love and the other made them stick around to witness the put down.

If he really does wants child then he needs to start rearranging his work in order to be around for a child. If he isn’t prepared to plan then why would you inflict a child with a dad who has no time for them..

It's more of a 'lets see what happens'. We wanted a second but we're scared and in the end had a happy accident which was the best thing ever.
She wasn't really an accident in that we did nothing to prevent her but we never had the 'we are actively trying' chat like we did for the first because we were both terrified of upsetting a lovely life on a practical level, even though she was very much wanted emotionally.
I think just stop taking the pill. If you've been on it years you could well be looking at six months before your body is any where near 'trying'

@Lotusmonster

Frankly In your shoes I’d want to be married or have some kind of legal protection before having kids....

Well that'd be great but op's dp doesn't like to plan so getting married, even at a register office, will be impossible, won't it?

You can't just turn up and get married. Even the most basic weddings need some kind of plan. Even Gretna green needs a plan of sorts!

@MandyMarr I suspect that your relationship works right now as you always put him first. You work around his schedule, his wants and needs.

How do you think it will work when you can’t do that anymore, because you need to put your baby first ? When he wants to sit and relax with a drink and have fun, interesting conversation and you have been pacing the floor for hours with a colicky baby?

When he wants to talk about his day and all you can think about is someone to hold the baby for 5 mins so you can go to the loo in peace?

When he wakes you up at 6am for some early morning love making and you turn him down because you were up all night and only got to sleep at 4am?

How much will he love you and the baby then ? When he is no longer the centre of your universe.

I suspect the reason he wants you to get pregnant “by accident” is to give him a get out clause if / when he changes his mind.

“ I’m sorry” he will say “ but I can’t help you with the baby because i have an important thing at work tomorrow and I need my sleep. Remember you are the one who wanted a baby, not me . I told you I wasn’t sure. I said I didn’t mind if you had a termination but you were keen to have the baby. That was your choice. I did tell you”.

A man whose job is central to his being, who isnt even grown up enough to commit to a proper relationship, who cant cope with the stress of planning anything, will be a shitty co parent and a worse father.

I mean, I can see why he'd be keen, it's all on his own selfish terms.

Dont do it.

You could start by asking him what changes he is prepared to make in order to fit a child into his life...

You say you’d be okay with doing it all. I can assure you, there’s absolutely nothing that would boil your blood more than someone coming home and going straight to bed at 10pm leaving you to do absolutely everything. I’ve been there, it’s frustrating and I felt like screaming in his face.

Please go into this carefully. It isn’t a walk in the park

@MandyMarr

Urgh I feel so stressed. I just want a settled family and was happy to run the house alone. There isn’t another way if I stay with him

I totally get where you're coming from OP but this is not the way to creating a happy and settled family, in the long run.

Op, I’m not thinking your dp sounds awful at all. I think he sounds fun and sweet!

I would say though that as a mum of a dd on the spectrum please don’t underestimate the challenge that having a child with sn can bring, which is more likely for you given that dp has a dx.

My dd is a delight and I love her. BUT I can’t work ft as she can’t manage normal wrap around childcare and never has been able to. Our whole life has had to fit around her anxiety - rightly because that’s what she needs. I couldn’t do any nights out or overnights away from her at all until she was 4. Even now I do them only very rarely and she’s 10.

Holidays are only possible in the school summer and Xmas holidays as she needs a significant amount of time after the holiday to decompress. Otherwise meltdowns happen at school and that can cause weeks of distress.

My dd has had sleep difficulties, difficulties with speech (needing hours of speech therapy). And she isn’t at all badly affected by her ASD.

It is very hard to do the lion’s share of parenting with a child with sn.

Please just be sure you are going into this with your eyes open.

@BarbarianMum

You could start by asking him what changes he is prepared to make in order to fit a child into his life...

This is a good place to start. He is clearly able to commit to his job. So discussing where he feels he can actively contribute is a good start.

By holidays I mean any kind of time away. No weekend trips of any kind for us except in summer and Xmas holidays

@Foxhasbigsocks

By holidays I mean any kind of time away. No weekend trips of any kind for us except in summer and Xmas holidays

I remember that. Planning trips eith military precision so that it wasn't too much and cause my ds to not want to do it again

You'll be raising a child on your own going on what you've told us

When will he see the child if he works "very, very long hours?"

I imagine he'll want to catch up on some rest at the wkend

@CandyLeBonBon yes that’s exactly it! Basically I have to think everything through to reduce anxiety / demand and set dd up for success not failure. A friend has a hen do coming up in October. I can’t take dp and dd nearby and do a weekend because she wouldn’t cope. She will not be settled back into school with her new teacher etc at that point either, so wouldn’t cope with me going away. So basically I can’t go

I couldn’t have a job where I travelled regularly.

I have two children with a man who works all the time, we have no family support but financial means, eldest child is in school and youngest in nursery.

I don't regret my children, but if I had known how much it would change my life, my entire existence in fact, I'm not sure I would have had them with my partner. I love this man, but love isn't enough. Being a first time parent means you need to be able to count on the person you made these babies with physically and mentally. When you can't it's enough to set you over the edge, the frustration and loneliness can send you to the brink.

Don't do it OP. Not without a plan and commitment.

Dont be sad. People are being mean.

No. They are being honest and trying to help the OP avoid making a huge mistake.