I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

@HollowTalk

You understand that if he's autistic the chance of your child being autistic is much higher, don't you? If he isn't prepared to spend time with you and the child, you might really struggle.

This this this x 100

In general it is a good idea to have a conversation about how finances and logistics would work, if you are thinking about having a baby. You could keep it theoretical, e.g. you know you said you wouldn't mind if we had a 'mistake', how would that work? I know you are going to say that he won't like this as it is planning but if you aren't prepared to do that, then can I suggest you browse a few threads from women who have had babies with men who refuse to take part in parenting or pay for someone else to do so.

I was also financially secure before I had my daughter - high earning over achiever who wanted a child. It's amazing how quickly it can all disappear. I hope you are able to have a conversation with your partner about how you would parent as a couple, including money and how he would cope with the noise and disruption that children bring. He will need to compromise if he wants to have other people in his life.

I think you're overcomplicating this.
Plenty of families operate exactly like you describe - a SAHM and a breadwinner. As your husband holds down a successful job and is in a relationship with you then I'm guessing he's Asperger's. It's true that there's a genetic link to autism, but would it really be awful if your child had the same traits as his dad? My son has Asperger's like his dad and whilst there are some challenges for him I wouldn't change him! Autism is a huge spectrum, sounds like your husband must be very high functioning.
It sounds like you are happy the way your lives are running already so don't let other people tell you that it's not good enough!!
Traditional roles work for us and plenty of other families even if it's not PC these days! And you have plenty of money to get help in if you find yourself struggling.
You love each other, enjoy a happy life and both want a child. I have no idea why you'd allow strangers on the internet to tell you otherwise!
I think he's given you the go ahead but just tell him clearly you are coming off the pill. No need for long protracted conversations!!

Is he a spy?

Can't think of many jobs that are so interesting and important that absenteeism is this excusable....

Hi Op, I don't know if this helps but when I was trying instead of doing all the testing we just said we would stop contraception and just see what happens. I said to my friend we're not trying not to get pregnant. I found it a lot more relaxing and no pressure on either side but also start taking tablets for pre pregnancy x

Your DP has totally done a job on you. He’s an egoistical prick if he thinks that his career deserves so much bowing down to. What on earth can be so important as he is making out?

Mandy, if you want a child and you are happy with your husband, just ignored the negative comments. On MN, people project a lot and think every relationship should be like theirs. You have thought this through. I think the best way forward is just too say to him that if you want kids some time, you need to come off all contraception and just see what happens. You don't have to be monitoring your cycle and knowing when you ovulate etc, you just need to carry on as you are, without the contraception. Hopefully he will be fine with that if you chat to him. It takes all sorts to make the world go round but it is probably worth having a bit of a chat about how he plans to be around a bit more so not a stranger to his child.

@sauceyorange

Is he a spy?

Can't think of many jobs that are so interesting and important that absenteeism is this excusable....

Rife in showbiz.

Most important industry in the world, apparently.

Showbiz of course

I think there's a distinction to be made by whether a partner is unavoidably at work or not, because, to use examples given by previous posters, say they're a long-distance lorry driver or in the armed forces. Those kind of hours/absences, whilst challenging if you have a baby, are not what I think OP is talking about.

Whilst the OP does not use these words, her partner sounds like a workaholic. That is something very different. A workaholic will almost always prioritise anything work-related, whether that is necessary or not. They will stay late at work, because they always want to finish something off (that actually can wait). They will work/deal with emails at home on an evening and weekend because they say otherwise they'll just have to deal with it on Monday (even though that would be perfectly acceptable). They say they are unable to book leave as they're too busy (even though booking time off is expected and acceptable). They will cancel non-work arrangements/plans at the drop of a hat and disappoint friends and family if they decide nearer the time that they cannot spare the time and need to be working (even though they have agreed the arrangement/plan earlier and promised to commit to it). In this way the workaholic prioritises their work over every other aspect of their life, almost every single time. The term doesn't have the suffix 'aholic' for nothing. It is an addictive-style behaviour.

I think choosing to have a child with a workaholic is a very poor choice. For you, and especially for the child. Both deserve a better family life than a workaholic will be able to offer.

If your not married you are absolutely bonkers to be even considering this.

Countless threads on here - "been with my dp for years, had kids and still won't propose'.

It sounds like he is scared of having adult conversations to be honest

@sauceyorange

Showbiz of course

I heard a rumour that a prominent comic actor, no hints I'm afraid, nearly missed the birth of their first child because they were filming and needed to get their take right. They arrived literally with seconds to spare.

Workaholic or dickhead

@Bowlofcereal it isn’t the business that concerns me - they aren’t married, he won’t discuss actually having a baby unless drunk, and OP is anxious about asking him how finances will work because that might set him off.

If her DP had the same job and was willing to discuss who was paying nursery fees, or how he would support her if she gave up work or went PT, that would be a totally different situation. But she would be going in blind, hoping he wouldn’t mind if she “accidentally” got pregnant, hoping he would stay with her, and assuming she would be covering all costs associated with the child by herself, cutting back on her work to do pickups etc. While he carries on as he is, occasionally deigning to acknowledge the child one day a week. That is really not what you are describing at all.

[quote MandyMarr]@Shoxfordian I work. I earn similar to him. I’m not worried about finances.[/quote]
And would you be able to continue to do so if caring for a child with no practical input from the father? I work full time in a good career and am the sole carer for my children and believe me, it is absolutely exhausting. What about when the child starts school? How will you manage your career around school hours and holidays without taking a huge career hit if he isn't pulling his weight?

If he genuinely wants a child and you both have successful careers then you should both cut back your hours and share the career hit and parenting between you. I can guarantee you'll regret it later if you accept that all of the parenting will fall on you alone.

I’ve had two unplanned babies with the same bloke. We are still together but we atm don’t spend a huge amount of time together. I’m busy with children and my business, he’s busy with his business and a few other commitments. I do almost all of the parenting and it’s fine. I have a routine.
He does drop everything if there’s a crisis, we’ve got household tasks nicely divided up and we agreed early on not to do competitive Tiredness or busyness.
I have my own long term plan and don’t want it interfering with and he has things he wants to do. Sometimes there has to be a conversation about how we are going to manage something but generally things are fine. We do spend time as family but not as a couple due to lack of time.
We are a happy but not normal family!

@MandyMarr

Yes I am ok with it, as I said in my OP. I love DP and accept his job and always have done.

I just don’t know how to go about this next stage as it feels like I’m controlling it a bit, he’s not there to plan the days to have sex etc. I know if it happened he would be there. Yes I will do the lion’s share of all the care but as I said, im going into it with my eyes open. I want this with him.

Whats wrong with you having some control over it. Hes basically already said hes fine with it happening. If you want a kid, you want him and hes pretty much said ok, then just do it

Hi @MandyMarr I’m regards to trying for a child I think it’s very honest of him to tell you upfront that he would rather you both were a bit careless and it happened rather than you both consciously ‘try’ as it does cause pressure for some guys and can affect their performance.

In relation to how you go about this, well firstly you’d need to track ovulation and then I guess make a move on the fertile days? It will be mainly up to you to do the leg work as he probably doesn’t want to know your ‘trying’ those particular days. If you’re prepared to put the effort in then go for it x

Sorry I meant ‘in regards’

Most of your current things (high flying job, social life) would become very difficult with a DC if you were doing the vast majority of the parenting and domestic work that comes with a DC. Even more so if DC had additional needs.

If your DP won’t make much time for a partner, he won’t for a DC.

Sounds like, for him, it’s a whim.

Having an absent boyfriend can work fine with no DC.

Completely different - and shit - proposition with a DC.

Shitty for the DC too.

I think I would be ok with leaving work for a while. I know it may and probably would impact my career.

I just feel sure about it. I love DP and don’t mind him working and being busy. We have been happy. Maybe my expectations are low.

OP, everyone who deliberately gets pregnant feels sure about it, or they wouldn't do it. Being happy now doesn't mean you will be with children thrown into the mix. It changes everything. None of the people I know with children had fully comprehended how much it would change their life or their relationship beforehand, I don't think that's possible so it's understandable that you don't. But please don't believe that because things are fine at the moment where you each have minimal responsibilities other than work, that it would be the same with a baby. It won't.

@MandyMarr
But yes I’ve given up a lot, travelled round for him and supported him and been very very patient at times.

Would he do the same for you? Previous posters have talked about resentment and this is key. You have given 100% to this guy. He gives you his attention every so often. This may feel enough for you right now. It may not feel enough if you have a child and things are challenging. If you were ill or needed support would he ‘give up a lot, travel round, support you and be very very patient at times’? Would he do that now?

If you can afford a nanny and a cleaner and have someone available for emotional support go for it!

The emotional support will be key. Do you think when he gets home at 10pm and you're exhausted and the baby is fussing with colic (always worse late evening time) that he will LISTEN to YOUR day pick up baby, cuddle baby and tell you to go and soak in the bath because 'he's here and he's got this' because THAT is what you're going to need.

Yes the feeding, cleaning, washing and changing is exhausting BUT the most exhausting for me was the second guessing my actions and baby's temperature, baby's feeding and sleeping and then wanting to tell someone the good stuff (baby smiled, baby picked up toy) it's sounds so boring from a non present parents point of view, they won't get it. It's the worst if they then say, what have you been doing all day, why are you so tired, why's the house a mess, why is baby not asleep and you're not waiting for me looking pretty (over exaggerated on the last part but in some level they will think this)

Sorry OP just being honest from my experience (it ended in divorce)

Not rtft but my take on this situation is that he is setting the bar low for himself early on - you do all the donkey work and he gives you just enough to keep you around. He is also putting himself in the perfect position to say "you knew how it was" etc dont underestimate how hard babies can be on you and your career, your relationships - what if you want to maintain your career can he help you because he would need too.

My advice would be don't have a baby with this man and certainly do not do it without getting married.