I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

Well all of our children were not planned but just an unspoken agreement that we wouldn’t bother with contraception until we really couldn’t face any more children. You don’t have to have it all planned out! My DH would absolutely never ever say we were “trying”, but all the pregnancies were met with happiness. I mean it’s so much pressure and stress!

I think that if you are just really practical about the logistics & how much time there is in a day, you'll work out that you probably can't meet the demands of your job AND all the childcare & night feeds, etc. If you are happy to accept all of your husband's work related needs & timetable, time alone, etc., that's fine & you know yourself better than anyone so nobody here has a right to say that's not working for you (because right now it is), but you don't know yourself as a mum and that'll make you see everything differently. In some ways you become a different person.

I expect when a newborn arrives, you'll resent the hell out of him for not helping, he'll be very upset that he is no longer at the centre of your world and that you actually need him to step up, you'll be so tired (bone crunchingly so), making constant sacrifices with your career, not having time to even shower for 2 mins in the first few weeks without it being a massive hassle, your body will feel different, you'll have a HUGE new priority & you won't have any patience with him anymore. What felt like his cute endearing foibles in your early pre-child days will probably become the mind numbing frustrating actions of an unhelpful man child when there's a baby and he's doing nothing. It's not great for the child either to have one parent who seems to have already checked out...

I'd just say try to be realistic, be prepared to have to give up your job, do everything & not expect anything of him really - and that he might not be so happy with you, as you can't enable the world to revolve around him anymore...also think about the financial insecurity not being married might bring to that whole new scenario. I'd just try and be practical.

So all roads really end at a serious conversation about what you both expect and want to do - and if the man can't even have a small 10min chat about it without having a major stress episode and bolting, he's certainly not capable of sticking around if you have a child. If you guys can't get through a contraception chat either, he's just not ready for any kind of long term commitment.

Would you stay with him if he didn’t want kids? Just wondering if you love him enough to not have kids, or if you are settling for him because you so badly want kids.
It sounds like you are likely to be parenting as a single parent, even though he will be in the background somewhere. Have you thought about the practicalities of managing this alongside your job? You will be doing every handover, that’s 5 mornings and 5 evenings every week where you have to drop off the child and pick up the child and still fit in a whole day’s work. Most couples divy them up so that the onus isn’t on one parent alone, but you will be doing all 10. You won’t be able to catch up on work in the evening as you will be doing bedtime alone, every night, and getting up in the night to deal with feeds and later on, illness and nightmares (this goes on for years). It really isn’t a walk in the park. It’s utterly exhausting and relentless and the quiet nights alone you enjoy now will be a thing of the past for at least 18 years. You say you want his baby but do you want his dependent for 18 years as that is the reality.

[quote Foxhasbigsocks]@CandyLeBonBon yes that’s exactly it! Basically I have to think everything through to reduce anxiety / demand and set dd up for success not failure. A friend has a hen do coming up in October. I can’t take dp and dd nearby and do a weekend because she wouldn’t cope. She will not be settled back into school with her new teacher etc at that point either, so wouldn’t cope with me going away. So basically I can’t go

I couldn’t have a job where I travelled regularly.[/quote]
My asd/adhd ds is 19. I do work but I would still struggle to work 40hrs a week because he definitely needs interaction I wouldn't be able to give him if I were out 5x days per week.

It's flavoured my life for 30 years, and it has absolutely been hard.

20 years not 30 years.

OP I’m going to answer your question, rather than join the debate about whether you should have DC with him - that’s your choice.

In your situation, I’d reference back to your previous conversation and ask him if you should stop taking contraception and see what happens. You really should ask him that direct question to be sure he knows there is now a possibility you could get pregnant. Then I’d not mention it further. It’s not so much actively TTC in his head then, it’s more that whenever you have sex, pregnancy is always a possibility. And the longer it goes on, the higher the probability but without the pressure on him to perform on the right dates.

@Dozer

It won’t ‘work out fine’ if, as would be the probable outcome, OP ended up as a single parent with her ex spending little time with his DC.

Even on v high pay it’d be very, very hard to juggle a full time, challenging job and parenting, when parenting alone and using paid childcare.

I do this.

But yes, it us hard!

His having a demanding career is not, in my opinion, an insurmountable hurdle. I know some couples where the husband has a demanding job (surgeon, restaurant owner, hedge fund trader) and they make it work. The way they make it work is that the wife does not have a job outside the home, and they hire in a lot of help (typical roster of help: full time housekeeper and part-time nanny and part-time gardener, i.e. three employees). The common thread in each of these cases is that even though the husband is very career-minded and works very long hours, his wife and children are his top priority. His career serves the family rather than the other way around.

Two things in your post are red flags, in my opinion. First, you are not married to this man. Some women do manage to keep their high-flying careers after having a child, but for many women, this is not possible. It is especially hard to combine a successful career and children if your spouse does not participate in childcare/housekeeping. This is true even if you have enough money to hire lots of help, because children are very needy by nature. In addition, as others have mentioned, if you have a child with additional needs such as autism, or who is born prematurely, or has developmental needs, then the specialty care they require can really make it hard to keep working at full tilt. You don't know what needs your child will have until they are born. Being married to the father before you conceive will ensure that you and your child have some access to his resources in case you can't work after the baby is born.

The second red flag is that you are hesitant to discuss this with him because he finds planning too stressful. It's one thing to be willing to move house for his career, or to spend your evenings alone except for one evening per week. But you are at the point where you are tiptoeing around a major life decision because he is unable to discuss it. That is worrying. Being a good parent is stressful. There is a lot of emotional work involved in raising children: when they get ill, when they misbehave, when they don't do well in school, the list goes on. A parent needs to be able to address these issues. I am worried about how little emotional support you will have from your partner if you become a mother. You sound very excited about having a baby, which is lovely, but you might not be aware of how vulnerable a woman can become when pregnant. Pregnancy and childbirth can become life-threatening, and even under the best cases, can result in changes to mental health that are really hard if you are not with someone who is willing and able to provide emotional support. You need to be with someone who will drop everything if you have a health emergency (whatever the effect on his job), not someone who expects you to ensure that your pregnancy does not impact him. Likewise, parents need to be there to support their children. Children do not exist to support or accommodate the anxiety of their parents. Again, there's a difference between a father who works long hours but is willing and able to give his children the emotional support they need, vs a father who expects his child to minimize their own needs so they can make room for the father's "needs."

@Orf1abc

Are you willing to give up your career? Few lone parents manage to maintain their careers whilst having a young child, and that's what you'll effectively be.

This is not true. If you are lucky enough to earn a high salary which OP does then you can absolutely maintain your career as you can afford childcare.

I'm guessing he's a politician... OP I know you are totally willing to take on the lion's share of the work but honestly, once you are doing it and in it it is soooooo hard not to feel resentful about the inequality. Looking after a baby is exhausting and relentless and lonely and just not fun 90% of the time.... he will swoop in for the fun 10%! I would only even contemplate doing this if I was certain my partner was going to be massively vocally appreciative of all the extra work I was doing and make big efforts to do nice things for me and give me breaks on the occasions that they did get the chance.

Many relationships nearly break up in the first year of having a baby because of the resentment that builds up, amid all the exhaustion. Figure out together what your plan is for avoiding that before you decide to go ahead.

Finally I am actually not worried about him feeling actually deciding and planning to have a child is too panic-inducing - I know a lot of people (myself included) for whom the decision to actually create new human life and totally alter your life course forever was just too overwhelming to actually make in a serious planned conscious way! "Letting it happen" through a bit of deliberate recklessness is like a middle ground. You could ask him if that's what he wants to do, and if so then stop contraception.

I have only been on this forum for 24 hours and I am shocked at the amount of posts I see where the first action suggested is leave your partner.

This lady obviously loves her partner and wants a baby with him. Sometimes people work harder than others that doesn’t make him a bad choice for a father. In fact I see this as a good thing. She said he will be there to help with their baby etc

Why do people just say leave him !! Why do you want a baby with him !! Your child will be sad if you choose him as a father !!

Honestly it’s shocking.

You're desperate for a baby because your biological clock is ticking, so you've picked an avoidant workaholic with a highly heritable neurological disorder to be your child's father.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

@Cailleach

You're desperate for a baby because your biological clock is ticking, so you've picked an avoidant workaholic with a highly heritable neurological disorder to be your child's father.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Wow !!

I’m sorry but this is so judgemental & just rude

@Missaljenk maybe stick around a bit, esp on the Relationships board, then you'll understand.

This man is the OPs sometime boyfriend, not her husband.

@Missaljenk

I have only been on this forum for 24 hours and I am shocked at the amount of posts I see where the first action suggested is leave your partner.

This lady obviously loves her partner and wants a baby with him. Sometimes people work harder than others that doesn’t make him a bad choice for a father. In fact I see this as a good thing. She said he will be there to help with their baby etc

Why do people just say leave him !! Why do you want a baby with him !! Your child will be sad if you choose him as a father !!

Honestly it’s shocking.

Welcome to Mumsnet. Take a look at the thousands of threads written by women who thought 'it would all be ok'.

I was one of them

IT WASN'T OK. (And not just for me)

[quote BarbarianMum]@Missaljenk maybe stick around a bit, esp on the Relationships board, then you'll understand.

This man is the OPs sometime boyfriend, not her husband.[/quote]
I am 42 years old and also work with children’s services I know a lot about relationships etc

Regardless husband or boyfriend she wants a baby with him and who are any of you to make her feel bad for wanting that ?

@Missaljenk do you mind me asking if you have children yourself? Do you have kids with special needs?

I actually think they sound happy and he sounds fun and nice to be around. At the moment op is happy. BUT I absolutely think it’s helpful for people to point out how hard it is to have a baby, especially one with sn with a father who won’t want to be very involved while also maintaining a high flying career of her own

Just because it wasn’t okay for you doesn’t mean it won’t be okay for someone else.

[quote Foxhasbigsocks]@Missaljenk do you mind me asking if you have children yourself? Do you have kids with special needs?

I actually think they sound happy and he sounds fun and nice to be around. At the moment op is happy. BUT I absolutely think it’s helpful for people to point out how hard it is to have a baby, especially one with sn with a father who won’t want to be very involved while also maintaining a high flying career of her own[/quote]
I have 3 children , my youngest has ADHD & Autism. I have a 9 month old granddaughter and I work for children’s services mainly with mothers & children so I am not sure where you are going with your question at all .

@Missaljenk I was asking if you have personal experience of parenting. On mumsnet that is usually considered ok. As this is a parenting forum where we share opinions and it’s helpful to understand what the basis of people’s experience is.

I wondered why you were so against mothers (especially mothers of children with sn like me) warning op that parenting isn’t always easy when you are largely going it alone, especially with a child with sn in the mix.

@Missaljenk if you work with mothers and children, you'll no doubt be very aware of the difficulties families face with lack of parental input.

It was certainly flagged up as an issue when my now exh was too busy and disengaged to have a meaningful relationship with his dc. It impacts them to this day.

I'm surprised you're not more aware of the problems that can arise in these scenarios.

I am not against anyone ?

All I am saying is that some of the comments are harsh. It’s okay to have an opinion but all I see on threads is people saying leave him etc

I know how hard it is being a single parent myself but I also know I’ve never needed anyone. If they have a baby and it didn’t work so is life. If she doesn’t have a baby because everyone on here is making her feel like crap for her decision or her opinions then she may forever regret that.

You can give an opinion without sounding patronising and judgemental. Not you in particular I just mean people in general.

@CandyLeBonBon I wondered that too. And while adoption is obviously very different and can often involves highly traumatised children, and always children and adopters coming from a place of loss, in adoption assessments my understanding is that a disengaged parent would be a huge concern. So I am really surprised someone working in children’s services would think this is completely ok.

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@Missaljenk if you work with mothers and children, you'll no doubt be very aware of the difficulties families face with lack of parental input.

It was certainly flagged up as an issue when my now exh was too busy and disengaged to have a meaningful relationship with his dc. It impacts them to this day.

I'm surprised you're not more aware of the problems that can arise in these scenarios.[/quote]
I am not aware ? don’t make me laugh.

I am fully aware of all scenarios as I attend child protection meetings regularly.

When people have children they actually have no guarantee of anything. You could be married to me perfect have a child and he goes off with your best friend. Nobody knows how anything will pan out. This man has a job he is passionate about and she has accepted that. Just because other people wouldn’t doesn’t make it wrong

Like I’ve said before there is ways of responding to messages without patronising the OP or being judgy.

She was asking for opinions on stopping her birth control as she said her partner doesn’t like to plan things. She wasn’t asking for everyone to tear apart her choice of partner or her decision to have a baby with him

So if a mum you worked with said, I have a dp with a highly heritable sn and he is not around any evenings in the week (comes home at 10 pm every night) and is quite obsessed with work, I will have to do the lion’s share of all care and he won’t even allow us to actively ‘try’ for a baby as that’s too stressful for him. Plus I’m hoping to hold down my own high flying career too...

You would just say great idea, go for it?