I just want his baby, what can I do?

[MandyMarr]

For as long as I can remember DP has been immersed in work. I won’t say what he does as maybe outing but basically he works very hard, very very long hours and I have made many sacrifices for his job while also trying to hold down my own pretty high flying career (not a boast, just trying to emphasise how much effort I have made to support him when I have had my own stuff going on).

In fairness to DP, when we met it was abundantly clear that his job was absolutely central to him. It’s meant I’ve had many evenings in a quiet house, I have holidays with friends mostly, maybe once a year with him and they are short, we will have dates once a week but basically his job is like at third person in the relationship.

He recently brought up children, said he was ready as he’d ever be, joked about wanting to be a stay at home dad (he definitely wouldn’t be!) and said he’d be happy if we had an accident. He is absolutely not the type to plan something like this, he flies into panic when I mention ANY sort of planning. He’s said before when tipsy that he wouldn’t want to ‘try’ for a child as this would cause him stress and anxiety, he would rather it just happened. He’s made this clear a lot.

I really want to have a family. I’m fully aware he will be a great dad but I will be left to do the leg work. I’ve always known this. I am ok with it.

Do I just become lax with contraception? All I can think about now is a child but I know if I have a formal ‘let’s try’ chat he will fly into panic and obsess over it and it will be very very stressful. But I’m also sick of taking every stage of our relationship so slowly when ultimately he makes it clear that he wants me and a child and a future.

Thoughts? I’m feeling so fed up tonight.

12 days after your period starts (sorry missed an important detail)

Yep! He's got ADHD and OCD as well. He's on drugs for both and another for his violent meltdowns. And that's with us paying a fucking fortune for private care. If we were left with the NHS and CAMHS, I'd be dead and I don't say that lightly. It's HELL a lot and we lost our eldest as a girl

Sorry about your girl

Yep, double whammy of ADHD here too. Always been good on the NHS until the last few months. We've just come out of a six week stint without his medication. I absolutely believe you when you say you'd be dead, I've come close to those thoughts myself

If I were you, given that you want a child knowing how things are likely to be, I would just stop using contraception. You don't need to plan days or anything - just see what happens.

I'm sure these replies are hard to read OP, I'm sorry because I completely understand what it feels like to have a desire to have a child that's so strong you'll overlook almost anything.

My main concern is the fact that you can't seem to have a frank conversation about this and make plans without him getting anxious. If he wants to be a good parent, he is going to HAVE to be able to do this. How are you going to be able to make important decisions about jointly raising your child if you can't even have a conversation about whether to have one?

I'm sure lots of families have a set-up similar to what you describe and it probably works fine for some of them. But personally, I would not be plunging into this without having some very detailed conversations about how parenthood will work for you practically as a family first. If he can't have these conversations with you, he's not ready, because he doesn't know what he's ready for.

Parenthood is really full of joys but it's also full of worry and constant, constant toil. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for what it would be like. If you're not able to talk about it as a couple without stress, I can't see how you're ready to embark on it together.

I'm not saying it's hopeless, but I wouldn't proceed until a) you are able to discuss it properly and you're satisfied that you are able to communicate freely, b) he gives you the proper go-ahead to start trying.

@shreddednips

I'm sure these replies are hard to read OP, I'm sorry because I completely understand what it feels like to have a desire to have a child that's so strong you'll overlook almost anything.

My main concern is the fact that you can't seem to have a frank conversation about this and make plans without him getting anxious. If he wants to be a good parent, he is going to HAVE to be able to do this. How are you going to be able to make important decisions about jointly raising your child if you can't even have a conversation about whether to have one?

I'm sure lots of families have a set-up similar to what you describe and it probably works fine for some of them. But personally, I would not be plunging into this without having some very detailed conversations about how parenthood will work for you practically as a family first. If he can't have these conversations with you, he's not ready, because he doesn't know what he's ready for.

Parenthood is really full of joys but it's also full of worry and constant, constant toil. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for what it would be like. If you're not able to talk about it as a couple without stress, I can't see how you're ready to embark on it together.

I'm not saying it's hopeless, but I wouldn't proceed until a) you are able to discuss it properly and you're satisfied that you are able to communicate freely, b) he gives you the proper go-ahead to start trying.

Very good points

God this all sounds like a nightmare. Think long and hard op.

@MandyMarr

Sorry I am reading these just taking a break as finding it a bit overwhelming. I’m just so sad. I want a family so much and DP said he was ready. I thought it would be simple

I think it can be simple. Have you suggested just stopping contraception & seeing if it happens? Assuming you do conceive (this probably won't go down well), even if things didn't work out between you at least you would have your longed-for children. I split from my partner after having kids and I am so so so glad I was with him when I wanted kids, that I was able to have kids with him, and that he was willing and able to start a family. I was early 30s & if I thought I needed to start over even looking for someone to have a family with, I would have been gutted. You wouldn't be bringing kids into a loveless relationship, you wouldn't be having them to 'fix' your relationship, you both love each other, you both want kids, you can afford to have them and support them, and pay for help IF you needed & chose it. Why not just say 'I'm thinking of stopping contraception & we can see what happens'?

OP, I've only read your posts and not the responses. From what you've said I think it sounds wonderful. I mean, money doesn't grow on trees. When I was a child my dad worked three jobs to make ends meet. It didn't make him any less of a devoted father, he just remarks sometimes that he wishes he'd been able to be there more.

Why don't you just say to your husband, "I'd love a child with you. Are you OK with leaving the timing up to me||?"

You're 35, it's not as though you have another 20 years to play around. And if you're happy with him and he has a good job, what's the problem?

Everyone nowadays seems to expect everything to revolve around being available for the kids 24/7. I'm not sure how realistic that is. I certainly wouldn't be urging you to sacrifice what sounds like a good partnership in search of something "better."

good luck!

I think you’re planning too much already. I’d stop with contraception, have regular sex and see what happens. If after a year nothing happens then start on the ovulation sticks/see a GP.
The stressful parts when the baby comes, it should be enjoyable now

I wouldn't normally say this, but just do it. But first, make sure you have a substantial financial cushion in case something unexpected happens.

@MandyMarr

Sorry I am reading these just taking a break as finding it a bit overwhelming. I’m just so sad. I want a family so much and DP said he was ready. I thought it would be simple

Oh OP are you sad? Your last post says everything you need to hear.

Posting on here has confused you because strangers on the internet will insist you have to have everything perfect aligned first.
There is no such thing.

So what any wouldn’t want your relationship, you wouldn’t want theirs I’m sure.

To answer your question, he’s said he’s ready and so are you. I’m going to assume you’re on the pill and that’s your only contraception so just tell him that when this prescription runs out, you’re going to leave it and not take it anymore and leave it at that.

Don’t yet start on the ovulation testing and all that, just track your periods. Download a fertility app on your phone if you like to have some Knowledge and set it for conception so it can give you some ideas of when you May be most fertile and then see how things go for the following 6 months after that.

It doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than that.

Having a baby was difficult for me the first time round as DH was new in his career and wasn’t there. I struggled with it all, even pregnancy was brutal, more so than I ever expected. Birth wasn’t great either and the recovery was tough.
I would ring him and cry at 6pm when he still wasn’t home and I hated being alone with the baby all day. It caused a lot of resentment and arguments for about the first year or DC1 life until I snapped and said be more involved or I’m leaving as I’m a single parent anyway.
I’ve never been so lonely and miserable in my life. Pre DC we never argued and were happy for eachother to pretty much do whatever we wanted. My freedom was gone but his was still as normal!

Currently expecting DC2 and thankfully he’s always home at 3pm now or there’s no way I would ever have considered going down that road again.

Op you seem to have blinkers on, sorry.

Today you have no need for marriage or financial assistance. Of course you could do this alone, but why should you have to? What if, god forbid, you had a child with health problems? Or you develop health problems? Then what? I've night a week you'd get some help? He'd magically become less distracted with work? What is it you think would happen?

He also gets stressed having to plan. How does that work as a parent and partner?

You deserve more, seriously Please consider this before moving ahead.

Talk it over. You are not too late, so no need to be desperately clutching the thin straws he offers

If you are going to have a child, and aren’t going to marry him, you need to seriously consider:

How you are funding your maternity leave

Nursery/nanny fees - if you need to go back to work before a year because you can’t afford to take more time off, is there a decent nursery near you that will take babies under 1? What is their waiting list like? (The ones near me have waiting lists of more than a year, which means getting on there after your 13 week scan).
Can you afford nursery fees alone, on top of your existing costs?
Could you afford it if you were living on your own?
Can you get back from work in time for nursery pick up? Usually 6pm.
Can you adjust your hours so that you can get back in time?
How are you going to handle school pick ups, school holidays etc?
How will you handle sickness/covid closures etc?
What will you do if your car breaks down/train is cancelled and you are late to pick up?

You need to sit down with a spreadsheet, go through your finances, look at childcare costs, and work out if you can, actually, afford to do this. Your DH doesn’t want a nanny, which means your career is going to suffer as a result.

There is a greater than zero chance that he won’t enjoy having a screaming baby keeping him up all night either, and you need to make sure that if you split up in the first year, you don’t end up on benefits unable to afford childcare and housing costs on your salary alone.

And as for having a frank conversation about how parenthood will affect your lives, I truly think no one can really know just how much it will change your life. It's pretty much impossible to prepare for, having your life as you know it, your identity etc. turned upside down and inside out. But for me, personally, it was the best thing.

The decision to become a parent is really difficult now for anyone who has a satisfying career. I was fortunate, and dancing in the last chance saloon when I grabbed DH one morning and conceived. I was 43 and it was a one hit wonder. For which I have been forever grateful, and so has DH. It changed everything about our lives for 17 years, but DS is now 22 and apart from a couple of years funding living costs at university still to go, which we shall fund happily while complaining of the expense. We only had one child, who we hope will be happy and successful in life, but we are not expecting grandchildren anytime soon, and quite honestly would be disappointed if there was an unplanned grandchild. DS' likely career path won't fund one for at least ten years, by which time we shall be well into our mid70s.

@disconnected101

And as for having a frank conversation about how parenthood will affect your lives, I truly think no one can really know just how much it will change your life. It's pretty much impossible to prepare for, having your life as you know it, your identity etc. turned upside down and inside out. But for me, personally, it was the best thing.

This is true, I agree with you that it's hard to prepare for. But I do think that if you can't discuss it at all without one of you actually becoming anxious, that's a real problem.

My view is this. If you are quite happy with how things are with him, great. If you have fuckload of money between you, even better. Money will buy you babysitters, a nanny, a cleaner, everything. If I had my time again, I would truly chose a partner with a fuckload of money. Seriously. Money truly makes everything easier and anyone who says otherwise is lying.

I think you'll be absolutely fine if you go in with your eyes wide open- it sounds like you do.

Just work out yourself when you'll be ovulating and make sure you have sex then. He doesn't need to be involved with this bit except for the jazz element- he's obviously made it clear he's ready for a baby.

I would just make sure I bought a few mum friends too via NCT. Find a lovely nanny or childminder as soon as you get pregnant. Go to loads of things like Tumble tots, play groups, baby yoga etc and you'll be fine.

Good luck. Go for it!

Presumably he is able to "plan" other aspects of his life without needing to be admitted for mental health issues? It sounds like he's saying he'll be up for it, but you'll be doing everything. Read up on the single parent boards to see how hard it might be and then re-think.

And I totally disagree with the super planners above. Plenty of people have babies every single day, that are totally unplanned and have not at all been prepared for, and it generally works out absolutely fine

Don't overthink it. Life is too short.

@MrsSnitchnose

Yep! He's got ADHD and OCD as well. He's on drugs for both and another for his violent meltdowns. And that's with us paying a fucking fortune for private care. If we were left with the NHS and CAMHS, I'd be dead and I don't say that lightly. It's HELL a lot and we lost our eldest as a girl

Sorry about your girl

Yep, double whammy of ADHD here too. Always been good on the NHS until the last few months. We've just come out of a six week stint without his medication. I absolutely believe you when you say you'd be dead, I've come close to those thoughts myself

We were totally let down by the NHS. Even private, it's worth the money. His new GP authorises the meds via the psychiatric consultant, who works for the NHS, too, so we get them for free as we're in Scotland. I cannot believe a child's meds were cut off like that! . It's really hard.

I suppose the other thing I'd say is that in your shoes, I would want to be absolutely sure that he would de-prioritise work if the chips were down.

For example, I developed terrible back problems during my pregnancy and at points after I had the baby, I literally couldn't walk. I had planned to do most of the childcare myself, but as it happened it was impossible for me to do so until I recovered. It's not unusual for women to have injuries or problems after birth and need looking after. When I say frank planning discussions, THIS is the sort of thing that I would want to be 100% sure I could count on.

You will never come first, OP.

And neither will your child.

If you truly accept this then go for it.

Be ready to effectively give up your career if you do this, and really think about what this means for you and what impact it may have on your own sense of identity. Me and DH both have big, all consuming, demanding jobs (mine more than his) and I have taken a major hit even though he is very involved. Maybe a solution for you will be to buy in all the help your need, and agree with him that he makes time at least a few mornings/nights a week. As for not trying, we did it that way. Stopped contraception and just went with the flow (although work demands often meant that fertile windows were missed). I would try to negotiate some ground rules for when you have the baby that you can hold him to - he must accept that this goes both ways. People with demanding careers have kids all the time, so you won’t be the first, but the successful ones agree on some structure, buy in help etc.

Which is an acknowledgment of truth, rather than a whinge.