@PastMyBestBeforeDate
I forgot work. I'm in a specialist role. The number of men from external companies who start to explain subject 101 to me without ever considering why I'm a senior technical person is amazing.
Oh, yes, I forgot the best work one.
There was some crackling on one channel, the one where the senior manager's old (but very expensive) 16th birthday present guitar was plugged in.
I'd checked the circuit, switched over to another channel to see whether it was the lead connecting the stage box to the board, switched the lead over, checked the stage box, changed out the lead to the DI, changed out the DI, changed out the 6.3mm jack lead from that, everything except touched the senior manager's Very Special Guitar. Which meant, having dealt with all other eventualities, the likely issue was the actual input on his guitar needed tightening.
'You need to check the cable'
I've done it. I've [goes through the list of things I'd done]
'No, you need to check the cable'
I switch out to another channel in front of him and tell him 'OK, I'm using a completely different circuit. I've patched from number 7 onto 22 and in number 24 using a new XLR, different part of the snake and out of the number 7 wall wart. If it still crackles, it's going to be at your guitar, probably the jack port needs tightening'.
...crackle...crackle..crackle...
'You need to replace the lead, I've told you already'
Can't you wiggle the jack as it goes into your guitar, please?
'No, because I'm not validating your confusion when I clearly need a new lead'
'It's. The. Jack. Input. On. Your. Guitar.'
'No, I've played guitar in my bedroom for 22 years. I know when it's a crappy lead' [goes on to tell me how the lead goes from the guitar to the amp, completely forgetting that there's an absolute fuckton of cabling of different types, acronym soup and at least five battlefield repair style patches I've done precisely because I know what I'm doing. And that this isn't plugged directly into an amp, because it's a stage setup, not a practice with your mates using a cheap bass combi, in any case, so nothing he says has any relevance even if he knew what he was talking about]
for fuck's sake. 'Teenage assistant, could you pop up on stage and wiggle the jack as you plug a new lead into his guitar, please?'
[teenage assistant goes and wiggles the jack. Crackling ensues. Turns out the external metal but of the jack port on his guitar is loose and needs tightening. Teenager tightens it in front of guitar wanker him and hands guitar back to the senior manager']
NO crackling.
''You, see, all I had to do was have the lead replaced'.
[teenage boy jumps back by the board and mutters at me]
'Miss, I can see why you look pissed off all the time. He's a fucking idiot, mansplaining your literal job to you, isn't he?'
Yes, dear grasshopper, and you have now completed your training.