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Original poster

Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

302 replies

Jerseyshore12 · 18/05/2021 12:20

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 18/05/2021 17:19

@BimBimBapp

Another one of these? They aren't doing anything to you and they aren't doing anything wrong. They aren't being cliquey or snobby or rude.

All they are doing is having a chat with their friends at school time. That's it. They aren't excluding you, because there is no good reason to include you. They are complete strangers who don't know you and they have no reason to.

Simply having children in the same school does not mean they owe you their time or instant friendship. The only thing wrong here is the people who for some unknown reason think they are going to make friends with completely random people because they happen to have kids at the same school/

Totally agree with this. Similar to all the threads about how everyone is horrible to SAHMs. Everyone is just getting on with life

Maybe its a confidence thing?
Why would you say hi to every single person you pass on the school run? Confused

jellymaker · 18/05/2021 17:32

One day there will be someone move to the area and they will be the outsider. Bide your time until that person arrives and then make friends with them.

TonTonMacoute · 18/05/2021 17:35

Many of us have been there OP Sad.

It is horrible, really horrible but although I can still vividly remember how horrible it was, having emerged in one piece from this, I can look back and say it just doesn't matter a damn so long as the DCs are happy and thriving. You just accept that this isn't going to be a big part of your life and that is usually when someone likeminded pops up unexpectedly and wants to be mates.

Big girl pants on, next time you go to the school gate, ignore them. It's the first step to genuinely not caring.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General education
MintyMabel · 18/05/2021 17:47

If you’re walking past me with a cheery hello, I’d acknowledge it but not be looking for a chat. It’s morning, I hate mornings and I’m in a hurry.

I’ve never understood why the school gate is seen as a place to make friends. Just get on with what you are there to do.

The parents I am on friendly terms with are the parents of DD’s friends. I’ve no interest in becoming friends with any of the others.

Cam2020 · 18/05/2021 18:08

Don't make an effort to acknowledge or say hello to them, then. Treat them as they treat you.

ForestDad · 18/05/2021 18:15

Try saying hello to the Dads in the playground. They'll probably be less cliquey.

RaspberryCoulis · 18/05/2021 18:23

There's one of these threads every few weeks.

Parents chatting to each other at the school gate aren't a "clique" - they just know each other from elsewhere.

OP seems to think there should be a stampede of people wanting to engage her in conversation and be her new bff, but she won't join conversations and won't try to get to know people one on one during a playdate. Won't join the PTA or similar. Won't acknowledge that for most parents dropping off is a purely functional activity - in and out as quickly as possible as they are busy. It's not a social occasion.

Some people really want the moon on a stick, don't they?

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/05/2021 18:25

@Cam2020

Don't make an effort to acknowledge or say hello to them, then. Treat them as they treat you.
Well, she could try not walking past and expecting them to follow her 🤷🏻‍♀️
HeavyHeidi · 18/05/2021 18:30

Exactly what I was thinking Raspberry. There's a thread in regular intervals where a poster is complaining that nobody makes an effort to befriend her, but when people ask what efforts poster has made, they turn out to be minimal if any. And they have one excuse after another why they can't do anything else, because you know, they don't fancy it.

I find it really hard to believe that literally every other person is all part in this big gang, they have all linked arms and turned their backs and you have no way to penetrate the circle. Nobody else standing alone? People literally ignoring and pretending they didn't hear you when you make conversation and ask them something?

Templetreebreeze · 18/05/2021 19:00

Op I mean this kindly but do you think you might be depressed ?
Its a very inward looking illness and questioning what you wear/ say etc might be a symptom of that.
I have a colleague with long term depression who gets very upset if people chat randomly.
He thinks they are excluding him and being rude but they just bump into each other and start up and conversation in the corridor, as you do but he thinks hes being deliberately snubbed if he walks past and they dont immediately include him.
Hes been to HR Confused
Just a thought.
Calling people unfriendly snobs as a whole group is a bit unfair.

Mugsen · 18/05/2021 19:07

I found it similar. We were new to the area. I think do something for you, so that you're not feeling lonely. Over time you end up speaking to the parents of those your DC befriend. Early years friendships are a bit fluid but at junior age they get more consistent and you end up arranging things. If the school has any clubs for parents maybe go along. But otherwise build a bit of a life for yourself away from school and then you won't care so much. I can relate though. I found it horrible having to stand there for ages twice a day, not knowing anybody, with any attempts to chat snubbed or ignored. I have a few people now mine are at secondary who are lovely and one good friend but it took years. My DC picked friends with lovely parents in the end. They're all still friends aged 16/17 which is nice. Hang in there, it will get better. And to those who say why would you speak to someone just because they have a DC at the same school; think what it's like for people new to the area or without friends and family locally. Do you ignore people you work with? Or those in an exercise class? It's the same. What does it cost to be nice.

Eivor · 18/05/2021 19:34

It’s extremely difficult to keep trying to strike up conversation with people who deliberately ignore you and much easier for a group of people to include someone who’s on their own, than to approach an established friend group.

I don’t particularly want to get involved with parents at school, however my kids school is similar to what the OP describes- I will say hello and they will ignore or turn away. I will try to make conversation and they will clearly show they are disinterested. Some of them will go out their way to say hello when I see them out of the playground, yet the next day, look right through me.

It’s not just you OP, others will feel the same way and sometimes you might think someone is turning their nose up at you or whatever, but they end up being lovely.

ServeTheServants · 18/05/2021 19:46

We moved to a new school at the beginning of the academic year and I am shocked at how unfriendly the other parents are. The children are in classes of less than 20, and because of Covid, parents of children in the same class stand in certain designated areas for collection, so it is very obvious they know who I am...they know we’re new (both to school and area), and yet they don’t even acknowledge me; we’ll be in the park near school and their child will be talking to me / playing on my child’s scooter etc and they’ll be stood so close, and still won’t even say hello. I find it odd, and would normally keep making an effort, but I truly now think fuck ‘em. I have plenty of other friends, and they’re clearly not people I’d get on with as they don’t share the same values, so it’s no loss to me.

cissyandbessy · 18/05/2021 20:13

I feel for you and experienced similar at the school gate. It was a while back but a few snotty comments about me working full time and being one of the only mothers who did left me feeling excluded and lonely at the school gate. Just couldn't seem to gel with other mums but all the kids split off into different secondary schools and it doesn't matter at all in hindsight. I'd just hold your head up high and carry on being friendly and focus on chatting more when you can do play dates and parties etc once Covid is done. Can't imagine that has helped this past year.

HarrisMcCoo · 18/05/2021 20:33

I just get there to drop off then I leave. Too much going on with my personal life to have time to chat. Many others will be the same.

Iamthewombat · 18/05/2021 21:00

If the OP is greeting other parents at the school gate, and they don’t acknowledge or return that greeting, the other parents are socially inept. Come on! Anyone can smile or say hello, even if they aren’t looking for kindred spirits.

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2021 07:16

@Iamthewombat

If the OP is greeting other parents at the school gate, and they don’t acknowledge or return that greeting, the other parents are socially inept. Come on! Anyone can smile or say hello, even if they aren’t looking for kindred spirits.
Agree, but I’d be very dubious that was happening wouldn’t you?
KeflavikAirport · 19/05/2021 07:51

I have to say, ascribing negative motivations to people you know nothing about doesn’t make you sound like great friendship material OP.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 19/05/2021 07:57

I arrive just as they open the doors to let the children in so no hanging around.I speak to a few mums who I know but that's it.Most of the women know each other through living in the same village all their lives so its nothing personal towards me.Honestly I think you're over thinking it.

PegasusReturns · 19/05/2021 08:09

I think your expectations are too high.

These women don’t know you. Unfortunately covid will continue to make getting to know them difficult. So in the morning you’re essentially passing a stranger. One who has a whole different life, with all its stresses and pressures.

As you offer a cheery “good morning”, they’re thinking about the 8:30 conference call, how they’re going to get the dog to the vet and whether the car really needs a service.

Their head is somewhere else so you get a last minute smile which you interpret as a grimace as they rush back to the car.

That’s it. It’s not ill feeling or snobbiness (although it’s interesting you interpret it as that).

PegasusReturns · 19/05/2021 08:11

@Iamthewombat

If the OP is greeting other parents at the school gate, and they don’t acknowledge or return that greeting, the other parents are socially inept. Come on! Anyone can smile or say hello, even if they aren’t looking for kindred spirits

I think there’s likely some subjective interpretation going on here. Ascribing snobbiness to their behaviour is very specific and seems to be entirely without evidence.

Iamthewombat · 19/05/2021 08:15

Hence the use of the word “if”. I’m giving the OP the benefit of the doubt.

blueangel19 · 19/05/2021 08:17

School gates are a nightmare. The mean bully girls of school are now these grown up bitches. I had the worse experience and it really can damage you. There is not much you can do if this the environmental in your kids school. I put up with it because of the kids. They were doing well and love the school. My advise is to ignore and do not trust anybody because they make up big lies about families. Better to be low profile. They tend to side with people who would enhance their social status or for networking purposes only. Be smiley and polite to everyone and good luck.

Nohomemadecandles · 19/05/2021 08:21

Here we are again. People talk to people they know. It's not a social event. It's a daily chore. Most people won't even notice you. It's not like seeing someone on their own at a party and being kind. It's transient, fleeting and most of us want it done quickly!
I've made lots of good friends at school that I didn't know before- met at kids' parties, PTA (in the distant past) and I will talk to them if they're there. If they aren't, I try to avoid eye contact so I don't need to force small talk. Grin I'm usually under caffeinated or have been talking all day at work. It's not personal. In and out. We're Y5. The novelty has worn off.

Nohomemadecandles · 19/05/2021 08:23

@blueangel19

School gates are a nightmare. The mean bully girls of school are now these grown up bitches. I had the worse experience and it really can damage you. There is not much you can do if this the environmental in your kids school. I put up with it because of the kids. They were doing well and love the school. My advise is to ignore and do not trust anybody because they make up big lies about families. Better to be low profile. They tend to side with people who would enhance their social status or for networking purposes only. Be smiley and polite to everyone and good luck.
Yes ALL school mums make up lies about you. Only bitchy girls go on to have children. Everyone (except me) is a bitch on every school playground.

What utter nonsense.